2009 in review.

1. what did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
stand on mont ventoux. go on holidays with a partner. drive through peage on a frensh auto-route. be faithful. run a 5k. fit into skinny jeans. buy clothes in sizes 36 and 38 and small. go to a tattoo convention.

2. did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i kept them all. but then, my resolutions were pretty simple: one was related to my relationship (and was kept), another one was reading at least 20 books (read 27), and the third and last was taking part in (and finishing) project 365 on flickr. i'll write my new ones down on january first.

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
my bf's sister gave birth to an adorbale new niece, emma.

4. did anyone close to you die?
my dear old cat.

5. what countries did you visit?
france, switzerland, luxemburg

6. what would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
more staying power when it comes to challenging stuff at work, and more focus during and fun there. i also want to become more reliable and better at staying in touch with people.

7. what dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
none, really. no drama, no nightmares.

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
it's so silly, really, but it was indeed finally losing all that weight.

9. what was your biggest failure?
overtraining out of excitement. same old, same old. so glad though, that i didn't use that as an excuse to stop altogether!

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
yup. hurt my knees by running too much and resting too little, still struggling with tension and nerve pain in my shoulder and having way too much fun with various little recurring infections. but it's all small stuff, really.

11.what was the best thing you bought?
the best money i spent was certainly on the rental car for our holidays in france.

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
the boyfriends', obviously. he's been a continous source of support, fun and excitement all year. and mine. i did pretty damn well this year.

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
someone i worked with. but those days are over, woohoo!

14. where did most of your money go?
the trip to france, various other travel and new clothes, oh yes!

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?

16. what song will always remind you of 2009?

17. compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? thinner
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. what do you wish you’d done more of?
holidays, obviously. and i wish i'd visited my parents earlier and more often.

19. what do you wish you’d done less of?
nothing, really.

20. how did you spend christmas?
with the bf, not celebrating, as we did last year. it was awesome.

21. did you fall in love in 2009?
every day a little more.

22. what was your favorite tv program?
tatort, a german crime show. and a crappy reality tv dating show about single farmers. 't was the only telly i watched.

23. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
nope. i generally don't hate anymore.

24. what was the best book you read?
sibylle berg. der mann schläft.

25. what was your greatest musical discovery?
julian plenti.

26. what did you want and get?
a fit and strong body. a mirror ball for my flat.

27. what did you want and not get?
nothing, really.

28. what was your favorite film of this year?
michael haneke's 'the white ribbon'.

29. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 31. and i had a fun night out at a local bar, dj-ing with my pal m., pretending we were celebrating the luxemburg natioal holiday.

30. what’s the one things that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
my wonderful relationship.

31. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
dresses! skirts! leggings! tights! for the first time in my life, i own fun clothes and really enjoy coming up with awesome ways to wear stuff. i love to dress up now. oh yes. tonight, i'll be wearing shiny black leggings, like so. and a jumper as a dress. i've obviously lost my mind.

32. what kept you sane?
my wonderful relationship.

33. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
julian plenti/paul banks.

34. what political issue stirred you the most?
nuclear energy.

35. who did you miss?
my pal s., in faraway berlin.

36. who was the best new person you met?
s. from munich. i should really make an effort to become friends with her.

37. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
you can do pretty much anything, if you really really want to.

38. quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
it's getting better all the time.


inspiration. [#9]

"i don’t love broccoli, and i don’t love the treadmill, but i love the way i feel when i’m healthy and strong. it empowers me in all facets of my life. so remember, that although something may not be fun in the moment, remind yourself of the ultimate reward, and allow that to motivate you through the tough times."

jillian michael [via move your booty|losing weight in the city]

[and i actually love broccoli.]

goals for the week. [#4]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

my week was good! i really enjoyed christmas and could actually use another christmas asap. and hey: i reached my goal weight. go me!

how did i do on my goals?
  • no bread - had whole-wheat bread once, on wednesday, as an emergency measure, ha, to get my stomach moving again; that tastes alright (nowhere near as awesome as i had imagines), and worked okay; but that was that
  • no booze - totally easy; only downside - i felt like a smug idiot when everyone started being incoherent at our christmas eve get-together
  • ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up
  • enjoy christmas - done; and
  • maintain - failed this one, ha. :) yay for losses, yay for reaching goals!

nsv of the week:
hiking a hill with the dog on yesterdays' walk that left me totally out of breath and winded and unhappy exactly a year ago. and was now easy-peasy.

what will i do this week?

work monday, tuesday and wednesday. i'll be cooking dinner tonight, we'll prolly be going out to dinner tomorrow and i'll be having no carb night by myself on wednesday. we will spend new years' in zurich, which is always total mayhem - not just, because of the hard partying, actually. last year, we ate raclette for 4 hours straight. and again for breakfast. on friday, the guy and i will travel back, hang out at home on saturday (he's got the day off work), and on sunday, the half-sibs of his daughter will come to visit for a week, which will be more of a time-challenge than anything else.

the biggest challenge is definitely new years'. i'll bring some alcohol-free drinks, and some okay snacks, so that i won't freak out and so that some things that i want will be available.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?
  • monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
  • wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
  • saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)
weekly goals:
  • no bread;
  • no booze;
  • ice my knees twice every day;
  • come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them;
  • get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals; and
  • enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling.

possibly the worst photo ever taken of me.

it's been 618 days, 27,5kg and 5 dress sizes since this picture was taken.

what freaks me out the most, however, is that i actually thought that i looked good then. and i really didn't.

i'm having lots of weird moments of residual shame and sadness right now, looking at photos from my fat days - you know the ones, the ones that just barely escaped the delete-button, the ones other people took and emailed, the ones that are not on flickr.

it's so odd to think: that was me. i still own the very same body that looked that way. i'm so sad about having been that way. and so sad about feeling so crappy about my former self.

it's all a wee bit much sometimes, this change.

now that i've lost weight... [#7]

wearing stuff in layers is fun!

i never wore layers in my fat days and never got how people could stand wearing plenty of layers. doing so made me supremely uncomfy. i always felt constricted and bulked up and horrible when wearing more than one layer.

i was also often cold.

those days are over. right now, i'm wearing aa winter leggings (oh, i love you!) and socks and legwarmers and a cami and a dress and a cardigan and a scarf. oh, the options!



arbitrary number? totally. still awesome to reach it?
oh yes, indeed.

[and yay for not-stressing over christmas, eating white chocolate mousse and lasagna and still losing weigh. oh yes. and now i want to find my happy space between 60 and 62kg somewhere.]


to lose or not to lose.

i'm at a supremely weird stage in my weight loss right now, at one pound away from goal (or so). the closer i get, the more i wonder what (if anything at all) that goal actually means. the answer i get to on most days is: nothing. it's just a number. a number that i kinda randomly chose. a number that is not important at all. a number that doesn't mean anything.

because very little will change, once i see that number on the scale. and because, in so many ways, i have already reached whatever goal i had. i am already there. no: here.

i can (and do!) buy clothes everywhere, in smalls and 38s, and sometimes in 36s, and as a result i own a shitload of beautiful clothes and i dress up each and every day. i work out three times a week and it makes me feel strong and badass and awesome, and i love the sweat and the hard work. i don't feel self-conscious about my body anymore. i weigh between 62 and 63kg, my bmi is 22 and my body fat around 20%. and i can run 5k in 26:10 minutes (if i have to).

and all that is very, very, very odd. these past few weeks have had me in shock about what i look like these days. it's like i haven't looked in the mirror since june or so (but believe me, i have), but there's this skinny person looking back at me, and it is me. and when i say skinny, i actually mean it. i'm pretty lean, apart from my thighs. my chest has got bony bits in them, my arms have got definition and (when not constipated) my belly is flat and muscly.

on thursday at a christmas get-together a friend of mine whom i hadn't seen in a while worriedly asked me whether i "still had that weight loss thing under control". that same day, another friend asked me, whether "i still wanted to lose even more weight". the bf reckons i should be done as well. and this morning at the gym, pt thomas (whom i hadn't seen in a while) said "so that plan we got you is working, eh?" and it is. and it has.

now. what do i want? what do i want to look like, what do i want to achieve fitness-wise, what do i want to weigh? i'm still not sure.

my head is full of various non-scale goals for 2010: 5ks, 10ks, being able to do a real pull-up, that mini-tri. but what else do i want? what does all that mean?

i'm still not sure.

fuel vs. happiness.

ben wrote something smart this week:

"food is fuel for the body, not a source of happiness.
this is something i constantly need to remind myself."

and he's right, of course.


for me, good fuel is also a source of happiness. fresh, homecooked, healthy and delicious food that i want to eat and that makes me feel good makes me happy. it's an expression of self-love, that good food. i feed myself well, because i love myself. and that self-love? makes me happy.

this morning, after i got home from the gym (i went to the gym at 9am on boxing day, crazy me), i snacked on an apple, a banana, a slice of honey cake that i'd baked yesterday, a zimtstern that my mom had sent from a bakery at home and two organic marzipan potatoes with 70% almond content (super high quality). and that? made me happy. because it was a snack that was just right for that very moment. indulgent, kinda. but just right. and a much better choice than anything i'd eaten say, a year ago. back in the day, i would eat entire bags of marzipan potatoes as dessert after my work lunch. which didn't bring me any lasting happiness at all, i might add.

the past few days were full of good fuel that made me happy. the bf and i, we've spend a good long time every day in the kitchen, cooking and baking and cleaning up afterwards. and all that made me happy as well. we always cook from scratch anyway, but having the time to cook elaborate stuff is so! much! fun! yesterday, he made monkfish wrapped in pesto-covered eggplant, which was healthy and heavenly and happiness-inducing, at the same time. ignoring and/or denying the happiness aspect of that meal would be plain evil. and well: a lie.

and yet.

i am well aware that the reason i finally lost weight this time around (and why i believe it will stay off for good, too) is because i primarily eat for fuel, and because i have retrained myself, as to what food happiness is. these days, it's not pringles and choco crossies. it's making healthy choices. and it's a much better, much longer lasting feeling, that happiness: it's feeling good before, during and after a snack like this morning's, not for the two minutes (if at all) that wolfing down a bag of cheap marzipan potatoes at my desk used to take.

maybe fuel and happiness can be comrades, not necessarily enemies. or so.


overeating on healthy stuff.

i ate too much healthy food this past week. my hastily cooked oatmeal-servings were a bit large, i had a few nicely un-ripe bananas, and a super-large serving of yellow lentils.

and then, nothing happened.

as in: in my bowels. all day saturday, i felt like i had swallowed a bunch of bricks. had cups and cups and cups of supposedly digestion-enhancing herbal tea, drank a lot of water, took some homeopathic drops and lay around with a hot water bottle on my belly. all to no avail. ouch. not really my kind of problem, that one. it has since improved somewhat, but i'm still feeling bloated and uncomfy and just...not happy. duh. and it's gotten worse tonight, even though i ate super-healthy and totally normal portions of veges and fruit all day.

had that problem prolly three or four times since starting to loose weight, very odd. i seem to notice it more since there's less belly. much harder to ignore what's happening (or not) in there, when there is so much less padding and all.

according to dr.google, i shouldn't have been surprised by the sudden stoppage, really. all that stuff i've been eating, all that fibre, was kinda like eating concrete. the oatmeal should cook longer, the bananas should be riper, i should be drinking even more and eating more fats. same old, same old.

but what can i do right now? since i got home from the gym tonight, i haven't really felt like eating at all, so i just sipped some miso. but this is supposed to be my carb free protein rich dinner-night. boo.

and: ouch.

christmas shopping.

there are so many eggs on our christmas food shopping list one might think we actually want to celebrate easter this week.

on our menu are lasagna (without meat, though, obviously), monkfish with chestnut-sweet potato-mash and veges, romanlily's mustard-maple salmon (without hollandaise, though) and pumpkin soup.

and tiramisu, white chocolate mousse, an apple pie and a honey cake. oh yes.

desserts - if not now, when?


goals for the week. [#3]

my weight on monday morning:

how was my week?

work was as nightmarish as expected and my cat died. it sucked. but give that, i did relatively well, really. am so very tired right now, though. can't wait for three days off and nothing to do.

i've had a bit of stomach trouble in the second half of the week: was kinda stopped up, super uncomfy and bloated. guess i'll have to cook my oatmeal longer and eat less bananas (or let them ripen more) and switch back to my old fave meal of carrots and quark every once in a while

how did i do on my goals?
  • no bread - only had bread once, at that dinner-thing on saturday, that was totally aimed at meat-eaters and where i'd been hungry, otherwise, so totally okay;
  • no booze - absolutely easy-peasy;
  • no sweets apart from the daily piece of chocolate - failed this one. there was that mindless christmas cookie incident when i was super hungry, have already forgiven myself though;
  • diligent point-counting and hunger tracking - tracked everything, go me!
  • write a blog-post on body image and goal weight - still owe this one;
  • decide the christmas menu with the guy and come up with a plan for the holidays - done!
  • ice my knees twice a day, every day - done!
nsv of the week:
sauna-ing with the bf without a moment of feeling self-conscious about my body (germany, land of full on nudity saunas).

what will i do this week?

enjoy christmas! i've decided that i don't want to be super-restrictive over christmas. i won't let my guard down completely (pretty sure i wouldn't be able to, anyway), and i'll still be counting points, but it's going to be, well, christmas. and there will be dessert.

the bf and i, we've figured out, what we'll cook, and it's a nice combination of kinda indulgent (as in: not everyday) stuff and regular meals. we'll have lasagna on christmas eve, monkfish with mashed chestnut sweet potatoes and veggies on the 25, or fave baked salmon on the 26 and our fave pumpkin soup on the 27.

i'm so very good at making dessert, and i just never ever do that, these days, so i'll be making white chocolate mousse, tiramisu, apple pie and a christmas honey cake. we'll have friends coming over sometime to help us finish those off, so that's all good. i'll also buy a tiny bit of high quality christmas sweets from our fave bakery, and that'll be it.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

tuesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
thursday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
saturday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)

also: long walks with the dog, who'll be with us from the 25th on.

weekly goals:
  • no bread, still the best rule of all,
  • no booze;
  • ice my knees twice every day
  • enjoy christmas; and
  • hence: maintain. 'tis the time of the year and all.

now that i've lost weight. [#6]

it's uncomfy to sleep on my side with my knees aligned.

r., who has been skinny all his life, assures me that that's normal. apparently, some skinny people actually put blankets or pillows between their knees to remedy that bone-on-bone-feeling. i never knew!



i'm tired, folks. it's been a weird, sad week, this one.

see: my dear old cat that i've had for half my life died on wednesday. i've been exceptionally sad about it. not just because she was a good cat (she hated me, really, but she was just the kind of cat our family needed and deserved, just as weird as all of us), but also because of what she meant for the family. when we had nothing to talk about, we could always talk about the cat. when we weren't talking to each other, we could always talk to the cat. i keep thinking about all the tiny little things i loved about her (her awesome ears, her hatred of certain types of music, the way she'd welcome my mom every moring), and get all soppy about 'em. and then i think about my friend s's girlfried, whose dad died of lung cancer within seven days of being diagnosed, and feel all ridiculous being sad about a cat. so there.

everything else has been pretty ok though, really. have been to the gym three times already this week (and will go again on sunday; change of plans and all), haven't had a drop of booze, have been eating well, yadayadayada. am still on a roll, kinda. hopped on the gym's fancy fat scale on wednesday, and while i only lost a tiny bit of weight in the past month, i dropped two kg of fat (!), so it proclaimed a giant 10% body fat loss since june. good stuff. i also bought some skinny jeans this week. which is extremely weird. and awesome. love 'em.

but the dominating feeling right now is exhaustion. i'm so very very tired. and it shows.

this arvo, i didn't get a lunch break till 3pm. walked to the bf's shop during said break, superhungry, and immediately gorged down some christmas cookies just because they were there (the bf and his colleague are -get this- currently giving a mighty discount to every customer who brings homemade christmas cookies). they were not worth it, i briefly felt shitty about it (and really, my behaviour was rather worrisome) but then forgave myself immediately. i need to look after myself better, not let myself get that hungry and exhausted and let myself enjoy some high quality christmas stuff in a situation that's actually enjoyable. oh well.

speaking of exhaustion: time to head to bed right this very minute. more tomorrow.


now that i've lost weight...[#5]

i wear skinny jeans. can't quite get my head around that fact.


goals for the week. [#2]

my weight on monday morning:

how was my week?

my week was pretty spectacular! had a fab time in berlin (and off work), ate a lot of superyummy food while staying within points, hung out with lots of friends, did bikram yoga three times (oh, yay!) and had a bikram related epiphany. and i also lost a tiny bit of weight - 0,4kg, one pound. a bit more would have been nice, but is maybe a bit much to ask after a few days of late-night eating and partying, even if the latter has been booze-free.

see: we got to talk about booze. i will not drink any alcohol until april 1st.

i would have abstained from january 2nd until april 1st anyway (the bf and i did that this year, and it did us both extremely well), and this early start is a gift to my friend s. to cut a long story about a not so spectacular part of the week short: our partying on wednesday night got out of hand, and the same happened to her when she was out by herself on thursday, and i held her hair as she puked and collapsed on her bathroom floor when she got home just after i did. then she hyperventilated, and her eyes got all weird and i seriously considered calling an ambulance, but then managed to get the whole situation under control.

now drinking too much every once in a while is kinda okay (if kinda stupid, still)
when you're 19, but a whole lot less okay when you're 39, and most definitely not okay at all when you drink to deal with problems and if your hangovers are so bad that you can't get up for a whole day. this wasn't the first time stuff like this has happened. last year, she ended up in hospital after a festival, and every time she and i have been at festivals, she collapsed because of booze. her boyfriend (who had a definite booze and drug problem) just left her, and the last time that happened, she got into the habit of drinking two bottles of red by herself at home at night. which was most definitely not okay, either.

the one way i could convince her to quit booze was telling her that i'd do it as well. even though i do not have a problem, and barely drink, really, ever since the bf and i went cold turkey this past january; which totally turned all my booze drinking around. and so i am. doing so will be hard, and has been hard, already. had nothing but mineral water at saturdays' office party, and got to dodge two "are you pregnant?"-questions. there will be christmas. and new year's (among a whole bunch of people who love to booze and else). everything.

now, s. and i, we're so far apart (800km), that neither of us would know, if the other one did booze up. but i really want to be honest and make this work. because i really want her to stop drinking. and not just for the next three months, but for good.

so yeah. all that kinda made my week a bit less spectacular. but i'll make it work.

still lovin' the new ww programme: i get to eat so very much! all the time! it's very easy and very enjoyable, and i feel much less deprived than i did on the previous programme.

how did i do on my goals?
  • no bread: did ok! (apart from those evil christmas cookies at the office christmas party and the burger i had friday night)
  • relaxing no booze-rule for two nights: done! had drinks on one night only: wednesday, and diligently jotted down their points.
  • diligent points counting: done! (even though i did eat my weekly allowance; amassed a glorious 53 activity points though, that i didn't dig into at all)

what will i do this week?

this will be a regular, if kinda crazy pre-christmas work-week. will have a lot of work on monday and tuesday, and there's a friend of the guy visiting, so we'll go out for dinner tonight. will cook tuesday night, and do my usual no carb-night on wednesday. saturday might get a bit difficult, food- and boozewise: the bf and his best friend and workmate are throwing a dinner party for everyone who helped with their shop reopening this year. it'll be hard, but i'll manage.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
wednesday: gym (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching, sauna)
saturday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:
  • no bread;
  • no booze;
  • no sweets apart from the daily piece of chocolate (got another yeast infection, hooray!);
  • diligent point-counting and hunger tracking;
  • write a blog-post on body image and goal weight;
  • decide the christmas menu with the guy and come up with a plan for the holidays (and write about it); and
  • ice my knees twice a day, every day.


burger & fries.

i had (veggie) burger & fries last night. and they were totally worth it.

had a discussion with the guy sometime last week, about when and why i'd eat some fast food. turns out last night was one of those nights. met a friend at a legedary local burger place (at his insistence), where they actually home-make the veggie, bean and tofu patties that they put on their veggie burgers. which of course makes them superyummy. so i had a burger & fries, and they totally hit the fast food spot last night. even though i could have chosen not do eat anything, because of the weight thing. and weirdly enough, after i allowed myself to enjoy this splendid crappy meal, i only ate about 1/3 of the (small) serving of fries. because they were yummy, yes, but i really didn't need em that much.

is this how normal eating people eat fast food? i wonder.

now back to hometown. i'm kinda sad.


bikram. [#03]

i had an epiphany after class today. (blessed be those bikram endorphins.)

i will become a bikram teacher.

yesterday was a supremely weird day. i was somehow, somewhat, kinda offered a job for next year and a writing gig on the side for now, and someone else (the conference in chile guy) liked my initial ideas a lot and wants me to take part in another conference/teaching thing in summer. and it all got me thinking about what's important in life, namely: how important is my job in the grande scheme of things? would i move to berlin for a job? (which would mean a definite end to my relationship, because i will never ever have a ldr again, and because r. cannot relocate because of his business) it really got me down a bit, all that. talked about it with friends for most of the night and all.

and then i had class today. it was taught my f., and he was as high-energy and awesome as on wednesday, and the class was SPLENDID. very hot and sweaty and fun. i had a fantastic time, really. i put my head and elbows on the floor again and even - get this - could let go of the floor in toe stand and put the palms of my hands together in front of my chest. i was smiling through the rest of class after that, and the entire floor series was fabulous. rabbit was great, and in tortoise, i touched my forehead to the floor before my hands for the very first time ever. crazy.

afterwards i was high and happy and kinda sad, and when i left and said goodbye, f. commented on my smiling: "it's so lovely that you smiled in class today, i had a class yesterday where everyone was grim, and it's so nice when someone lifts the mood." i told him how much i'd enjoyed it and how sad i was to not have a studio to practice and whatnot, and then he said, out of the blue: "do teachers' training." "what about the requirement of a 6 month studio practice?" "i had a guy in my year from scotland, who came out of a home practice as well. you can do it. ask h&k (from our previous studio) for a recommendation. you're such a vibrant, positive person, you'll do well."

and a lightbulb went off in my head: there are so many options. i don't just have the choice between crappily paid superstressful (but awesome) journo jobs in my hometown (the one that i have) or in faraway places. i don't have to choose between interesting work and happiness. i don't have to freak out because of this media crisis thing right now, and be scared about a potential job loss. this is not a definite plan by any means, but i could be self-employed and a bikram teacher while i write on the side. and there are a zillion other things i could do. i know that my life has been so much better with r. in it than ever before. what we have is above everything else. my life has also been so much better since i threw bikram into the mix. i need this yoga. i want this yoga. it has made me happy and healthy and skinny. i want more of it.

i called r. right after i left the studio, crying happy tears (no, seriously, endorphins are killer!), and after i'd stopped telling him that i really really want to become a bikram teacher, he said "i love you. not the journalist c. you are so many things. you can and will do this, if you want to."

so there.

bikram? is freakin' life-changing yoga. and i feel so much better already. so much less scared about my job stuff. i can be a bikram teacher.

i will be a bikram teacher.


bikram. [#02]

i'm such a rockstar.

my friend s. and i stayed out drinking till 2:30am last night. and 7 hours later, i was sweating on my mat at bikram. oh yes. sweating out beer, possibly. he.

the class was good, but not as good as yestersdays': it was taught by b., whose dialogue is too soft; she's not very specific, kinda sloppy, not strict and even her tone of voice is not hard enough, really. in turn, her classes (and i've taken a few of them, both here and in my home studio) are always kinda wobbly and the energy isn't very high. tried to remind myself during class, when i felt resistance to her teaching welling up, that this was one more opportunity to work on non-attachement to everything surrounding the yoga, by doing my best, despite the crappy dialogue. oh well. 't was lovely anyway, and halfway through class, my towel looked like the shroud of turin from the sweat.

was a wee bit sore and tight today, but nowhere near as bad as i feared. managed to put my head on the floor in standing separate leg stretching pose and my elbows during head to knee stretching pose, and my standing head to knee and bows were pretty damn fine. in fact all my backbends were pretty fab. really felt a good lift in full locust, which never ever happens, really.

awesome, all that.

now off for a busy afternoon meeting various business contacts and friends; the grande outing i'd planned with my pal s. for tonight fell through though. bummer. got other plans already, that will quite likely be better for my health and wellbeing though. :)

yay for bigcitylife and bikram!


bikram. [#01]

my first bikram class in eight months was awesome. oh, so very awesome.

one of my teachers from my previous studio taught todays' class, and it was intense, and hot and oh-so-familiar. like coming home. f. has got a superstrong dialogue, and i kept hearing out joint teachers in his voice: h. from our home studio, craig and bikram himself, obviously. it was lovely.

the whole class was lovely and amazing and weird and great at the same time. i felt fantastic. i loved the sweating and i was close to happy tears during my old foe, camel pose. it feels so good to move this way, so natural, so familar. so good. even though everything was different. i can do the poses so much better these days. i can wrap my toes around my calf in eagle. i can actually see my bellybutton during rabbit. there is so much less of me, that there is so much more space to move my body. it's very very odd.

the weirdest thing was looking at myself for 90 minutes though. i've never done that, obviously (my gym, which is of the health variety, only has mirrors in the free weights area, and in the class rooms; and when i'm there, i wear significantly more clothes than during bikram); especially not in shorts and a bra and while moving and using my muscles. and by god, i have so many of 'em, and so many bony bits, too!

it's weird. i really am a bit disconnected, still, from my new, kinda skinny body. i haven't quite realised that it's mine. but it is, and it's mine to keep.

and yeah: next class, tomorrow morning 9:30am.


melting away.

"you look fabulous." she has complimented me months before and we've said hi every time we've seen each other at the gym since then. "you look really fabulous, it's like that weight has been melting off you." "thank you", i reply. "it's been a lot of hard work and it's lovely that you're telling me you've noticed." "really, how could one not notice! keep it up!"


goals for the week. [#1]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

superbusy and good. had a lot of stuff at work that turned out alright, and some patchwork family stress that had me upset for a while, but that i see much more clearly now. the weekend was lovely and relaxing and good. my eating was ok this week, apart from wednesday night, when i was at a business meeting and fell into the pretzel trap. love the new ww plan, and am really motivated right now. only real bummer: still some knee pain.

what will i do this week?

monday and tuesday: work
wednesday till saturday: berlin trip
saturday: office christmas party
sunday: relaxation & kid-visit

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
wednesday: 8:30am bikram class
thursday: 9:30am bikram class
friday: 9:30am bikram class

won't manage to go to the gym on saturday (will get back at 5:30pm or so, and have to be at the party by 7:30 or so), and realistically won't be able to (and won't want to) work out on sunday (kid's here, there might be a hangover and there will definitely be some exhaustion and post-bikram pain, so i'll veg out and enjoy it). will get back in the swing of things next monday, with my usual monday-wednesday-saturday-routine

weekly goals:
  • no bread (that's doing me so very good!), not even during the train trips (got to plan my train trip meals!)
  • general no booze-rule will be relaxed for thursday (hanging out with friends) and saturday (office party)
  • diligent points counting (no digging into weekly extra, if possible)

how did i do on my goals?

hadn't set them well enough this past week.


pardon me?

the woman, mid-fifties, probably, comes over to me while i am doing my second round on the weight circle, just as i am adjusting everything for the last but one exercise.

"you really shouldn't grimace like that while you're working out", she says, smiling conspiratively. "you'll get wrinkles."

[i really wish i'd had a good reply. instead i stared at her in disbelief before mumbling something along the lines of "i won't mind wrinkles once i get them, that's life." thing is: i know i grimace. i'm really pushing it during my workouts these days. i sweat and grimace and breathe hard (and try not to moan). i'm at the gym to work out, not to look good. if at all, i want to look good outside of the gym. tsk.]



hooray. the worst, it is over. not just for the week, but probably for the rest of the year, really. it's all downhill from here. i took it really easy at work today, so there's quite a bit of stuff i need to get done before i head off on tuesday (might have to sneak in an hour or two of uni-course stuff this weekend, actually), but it's all manageable. no terrible deadlines, no presentations, nothing.


made sure the new year wasn't going to get too boring though: i was asked today to give a presentation for a conference in early january on using the net to create change in the real world (or something, still not fully discussed that with the organisers). the conference is in - get this - santiago de chile. and they'd fly me out, which would be superawesome, but is totally not doable, with the amount of holidays i can take this coming year. so it's going to happen via video. which is kinda funky, but very sad. the more i think about it, the sadder i get. chile! south america! i've never been! and then i think about air travel, by myself, and doing it via video suddenly seems super attractive again. meeting the guy in charge in berlin next week, to discuss the whole thing. kinda weird, but fun. good stuff.

other good stuff about berlin: will definitely hang out with my guy pal s. on thursday; last time we did, at an award-night in june, it ended in a gloriously drunken night out dancing: we were the overdressed people drinking real champagne on the dancefloor of the indie club. ha.

not so good stuff about berlin: my friend s. is sick, possibly with bacon fever (h1n1), and has serious asthma issues. saw her doc today, who wants to have her admitted to hospital this weekend, if things get worse. no matter what: things are not looking up for my visit, really. duh.

will see.

food wise, all's good. loving the new and obviously improved ww plan here in germany (they call it propoints). have been diligently keeping diary, and so far it's been good (apart from my pretzel pig out at a work meeting last night). am much more motivated, right now, and love the new hunger-tracker; great tool to check out why you're eating, which is such a problem for me sometimes.

so happy it's friday night, so happy i don't have to get up at 7am tomorrow, so happy i get to work out and go shopping and cook and bake cookies and take a long walk with the dog and sleep in with the guy and just exhale.

oh yes.

some more befores.

while searching for some pics on my computer at work, i once again stumbled across some photos i'd forgotten about. and that i can't stop looking at.

july 2007
oh, boobs: i miss you.

april 2008
this is a crappy hotel elevator mirror shot that i took a few days before i finally started weight watchers. i remember that day pretty well: a band that my then-bf managed played their final show that weekend, and i remember making sure to dress up: in jeans and a jersey shirt (clothes i wouldn't even wear to work these days), and i remember how tight the jeans were, how the shirt felt too short and how uncomfy i was all weekend.
i'm in shock really, how puffy my face was. so very different now.

july 2008
this is a 'during' shot, taken in late july 2008. i'd lost about 10kg by then. and when i saw this pic (and others), i couldn't quite get my head around the fact that i was still chubby.


it's thursday, and i'm angry.

i'm ANGRY this morning, and i HATE it.

first off, the it department did an automatic update on my work pc, which killed all my browsers (bye bye, bookmarks, you'll be missed). and then i hear that the guys' immediate ex, n., who dumped him, oh, just about 20 months ago , is currently hanging out with the family.

(this is, where it gets complicated, because it is: the family, that's the bf's first wife. not the one we hung out with this past weekend, but l., the mother of his grown daughter and non-bio sons).

and this? just rubs me the wrong way. which is pretty silly, really, and most likely a serious case of patchwork family growing pains.

see: ex-wife l. recently ended up in a freaking nigerian romance scam (yes, that shit really happens to real people), and i've basically spend the past six weeks on the phone to her every single night. it's been a shitload of emotional work and so freaking hard.

when the stuff l. told me about her online relationship started to raise a whole army of red flags, back in september, i really wanted to help her, wanted to save her both the emotional and the financial pain. i was all gentle and instead of telling her i thought it was a scam all along, i pointed out the inconsistencies, until i finally had to be direct. i totally failed, really, and she got all angry with me for being so negative about her relationship. and when it dawned on her, weeks later, that i'd been right all along, i had to work through all her shitty feelings towards me.

i was super gentle and patient and helpful. i was on the phone with a woman who does a self-help group for victims. i read books on the topic. i did ip scans and checked databases for the scammers photo. and above all, i really worked hard at getting through to her and helping her cope, which was really frustrating, because some part of her? is still, even now, in denial, making up possible explanations for this shit.

and after all that, she's now hanging out (for a few days, even) with n.? n., the immediate ex of the bf. n., who rings our freaking doorbell at 3am in the morning, high on some shit, on a night when she thinks i am not at home, wanting to be with the bf again.

i'm not supposed to like that, am i?

i know i'm all ridiculous and whatnot. it's their lives, their relationship, and neither has a direct impact on mine. but really: it still feels shitty. it feels like one more way that n. is trying to sneak back into everyone's lives (specifically the bf's). and it feels like l. does not value what i've done these past months.

argh, argh, argh.

hello, insecurities, haven't seen you in quite a while.



that sound? that was me, exhaling. these past few days and weeks have been evil. the weekend trip to r's not-yet-ex-wife and her new boyfriend was lovely, if carb-loaden. the best part was shopping at aa with the bf on monday, where i finally bought the school girl skirt i've been ogling for months. it's super-hot, and i have no clue (yet) as to how to wear it without coming off all 'hit me baby one more time'-like, but i'll figure it out. i'm seriously lusting for all those new crazy aa tights, btw, but resisted. good me! so while monday was all relaxing, tuesday and today were super-crazy again with a doc's appointment (hello, viral infection that shall not be named!), a shitload of work and the first part of this semesters' teaching gig at uni tonight. it was all super stressful, really, but it's all downhill from here on, oh yes.

there's still a lot of work and whatnot (isn't that always the case?), but i'll leave work at 4pm tomorrow (come hell or high water) and get my hair cut (so very necessary!), before a work gig/media roundtable thing in the evening. i'll sail through friday, and then it'll be the weekend, which i'll spend with the guy and the dog and at the gym and baking cookies for the office christmas party. and then i'll sail through monday as well, have more fun at the gym, and on tuesday after work, i'll hop on a train to berlin, where i'll spend the rest of the week with my best friend s who i haven't seen since april. i'll also get to do bikram yoga, every single day.

but that's next week.

this week has been going ok in the fitness and food department (at least since returning from that weekend away), had a good workout today, even though thomas had me ditch the rowing machine because of knee pain. used a stationary bike and nearly died of boredom instead. whine, whine. (seriously wondering though: was i really on pain, or just too tired for the rowing machine? i wonder, really.).

on no carb night tonight as well. almost ruined it, when i realised i didn't have any of my fave chocolate for dessert and grabbed a chocolate covered rice cake. before i could open its wrapper though, i realised the mistake. found some other choc in the fridge, took a piece, and threw it away, when the first bite tasted stale. changes, people, changes! got to buy choc tomorrow, though.

final note to self: those granola bars with maltitol? are totally not worth the gastro-trouble they cause. oh no. (had one this arvo, and felt bloated and crappy for the rest of the day. crazy. am i getting more sensitive to that crap? no more!)


now that i've lost weight. [#4]

now this will sound rather pro-ana, but one of the fave parts on my newly skinny body? is that bony dent on my sternum. oh yes, indeed.

after you killed me.

this week, people? it has killed, no, slayed me. (don't i say this every week, btw?) there's just been a mount everest of work, way too little sleep, the gym trips have been hard and i'm just...spent.

so glad it's friday night now. so glad i got my bum to the gym tonight already, so glad that all i have to do tonight is put one more story online, tidy up a wee bit and pack my bag for the weekend trip r. and i are going to embark on tomorrow to see his - please laugh now, or wonder what kind of weird life i lead - erm, wife and her new boyfriend.

see, r. and her split up six years or so ago, and just haven't gotten divorced yet, for visa reasons, among other things (they're going to, soon though, because she wants kids with her new bf). their relationship is all amicable and i like her a lot (totally would have married her, if i was him) and i am super curious about her new boyfriend. good stuff, actually, all that. we just don't see each other nearly enough. last time was in late april. which should spark some comments, seeing i was about 15kg heavier then. ahem.

so yeah: long weekend ahead, because i've got monday off work as well. there'll be sleeping in tomorrow, then a relaxed train trip, and then fun with friends and on monday, there'll be shopping, just the guy and me, before we head home.

it's going to be splendid.

everything has been pretty alright, really, despite the stress. eating-wise, i'm in the groove, really. switched my breakfast to oatmeal, and that keeps me super-satisfied and happy for a good long while and is very yummy. also had a hot lunch (just some organic soup) some days, and that's been awesome, too. even my no carb-evening on wednesday was easy. same's true for the gym: that new workout schedule i'm on is super-intense, but super-quick, and i'm loving both.

only thing that's not been so great are my knees: haven't been icing them diligently (for lack of time, haha), and they were hurting during regular walking today. and during rowing. duh. which (as sick as that is) makes me feel better for not running that long planned and paid for 5,5k in basel tomorrow. sob!

anyway. 'tis all good. really.




and on cycle day 166, my body decided it was time to menstruate again. hooray!

[also: ouch! and: now my whole freaking out-eating crap-thing over the weekend makes even more sense! weeh!]


post-freak out.

i'm home again, and the weekend seems a lot less terrible than, say, 20 hours ago. this trip to my parents, while stressful, was a lot better than expected, actually. i'm just glad it's over for now, and that contact has been re-established. we can all move forward now, and it's going to get better from now on. or something.

my eating hasn't been much better today though than yesterday, i'm afraid. brekkie and lunch were really good, but there's been tons of mediocre snacking again, and then a four hour train trip, and right now, i'm hungry and waiting for a friend to finish work so that we can finally, finally head out to our planned late-night dinner. i've already forgiven myself for the snacking yesterday and today. i was stressed out and lonely and medicated in a crappy way, but it's ok. it happened, i can't change it, and feeling bad about it won't make a positive difference. i'll move forward. i can and will make better choices the rest of today and tomorrow and the rest of the week, month, year, my life.

stuff i've eaten since arriving at my parents place 30 hours ago.

  • three tiny mozzarella/tomato amuse geule (four course dinner friday night)
  • a medium sized mixed salad (dinner)
  • a crazy amount of bread (dinner)
  • a glass of wine (dinner)
  • some fried potatoes and cabbage (dear restaurant: that was a total vegetarian menu fail, especially after the potato soup with bacon, dinner)
  • dessert - tiny portions of creme caramel, panna cotta and tiramisu (dinner)
  • about four espresso (dinner)
  • two cups of coffee (breakfast)
  • two bread rolls with vegemite (breakfast)
  • an apple (breakfast)
  • an amaranth bar (snack on a stressful drive)
  • an apple/almond bar (snack on a stressful drive)
  • a few rice cakes (snack on a stressful drive)
  • about two bites of apple strudel (coffee & cake)
  • a few mints (coffee & cake)
  • one spekuloos and some choc covered kruidnoten (coffee & cake)
  • a few slices of dark whole wheat bread (pre-dinner snack)
  • pasta with veggie sauce (dinner, so not-filling)
  • several slices of kandijkoek (before and after dinner, because of stress, really)
  • a domino ice cream (dessert, in a superstressful situation)
  • two espresso; and
  • two cups of tea.

me, stressed? why're you asking?

i am visiting my parents this week, for the first time in about 16 months, and i am just about to collapse into my old routines here. this is all so very fucking hard. there's so much crappy food around, food is so meaningful round here, and i feel so bad about everything, that i want to stuff my face with icecream and chocolate to make me feel better. as if that would help. crazy. instead, it makes it all worse, obviously.

i've also scratched my scalp bloody and scratched around so many pimples and blackheads that i look like i've been in a cat fight. doesn't help either.

i'm amazed how crappy my parents eat. their stuff (like the bread rolls for brekkie) leaves me hungry. and i'm also lonely. and tired. and everything. the weekend was much better than expected, but still so very hard. it's still hard. it's freaking 2am, and i'm still up, just to have some time to myself.

i have to be on at all times. and it's tiring. i need to remind myself that eating will not solve the problem, if the problem isn't hunger.

even if i still have trouble with that realisation, really, today's carb extravaganza will not be repeated tomorrow. i found some fage in a dutch supermarket and stocked up on all bran, so i'll have a regular breakfast tomorrow. and head home in the early afternoon. it's about time. all will be good. and i'll leave all the great and yummy dutch sweets that my mom bought here. i will not take them home.

right now? i'm sad. and i feel terribly lonely. and tired.

oh, and have i mentioned that right after i had arrived, my mom talked about my weight loss ("c. has lost 25 pounds", ha, 25 POUNDS?) to people i'd never met before, which i found terribly humiliating.

in any way:

i should go to bed instead of rummaging throught the kitchen, right? right.


oink oink?

two of our superclose friends have h1n1. namely the bfs two co-workers (i.e. the people with whom he co-owns and runs the shop with). and have i mentioned yet, that in our circle of friends, we kiss each other on the mouth to say hello? we total IDIOTS?

just last week, r. and i were talking about dropping that habit for the pandemic. guess that was a bit late.

m. has been super sick for two days and her doc has diagnosed h1n1 (not sure whether by test) and has given her a sickness certificate for (get this) TEN DAYS (you usually get three round here). r. is with his gf in zurich right now, and has been supersick for two days as well. heading to the doc tomorrow. he calle our local doc (we all share a gp, seriously), and he reckons it's h1n1.

the bf and i? we're next. like: totally.

i'm either the worlds' biggest hypochondriac (and i very well could be), or some virus or other is giving me the chills right now and those weirdly flushy cheeks i've had all arvo and...


i feel sick.

and i'm supposed to trip up north to my rents tomorrow (for the first time in 18 months). which i totally don't want to do, but if i cancelled on them because of the effing swine flu, they'd never believe it, ever, and it'd be a major catastrophe. but the way i feel this very moment? i will NOT sit on a train tomorrow.


[nablopomo 19/31]



my first post-gym-no-carb-night has been pretty damn easy. dinner was a nicely baked chunck of salmon accompanied by a mountain of broccoli. not missing them carbs right now, even though a piece of fancy choc (or two, or three) would definitely be awesome now.

am pretty exhausted right now. the gym was fine tonight (even though i forgot my socks and in turn gave myself a bloody blister, yay), and i'm so happy that it was such a speedy endeavour again. did 30 minutes on the rowing machine (6,3k), two rounds milon fat burning circuit (good lord, i'd forgotten how long one minute can be!), 30 minutes inside the hypoxi, stretched and headed home. awesome. i reckon i'll start sauna-ing on wednesday nights from now on, just a quick little round. those 30 extra minutes will doubtlessly be worth it.

right now, i feel as if someone had pulled the plug on me though. definitely time to head to bed. asap.

[things i still need to write about: that weight pleateau i've been hanging out on and what pt thomas thinks about it, not being allowed to run that race i signed up for back in september, the upcoming weekend trip to see my 'rents]

[nablopomo 18/30]


my new obsession.

hello, my name is c., and i've recently developed an obsession with super high quality weirdo tights. i love them. love, love, love, love, love them. give me paisley, and stripes and colour and texture. i want them all.

i keep thinking 'now, how did that happen?' (usually when standing at the cash register at the tights-shop, forking over good money for leg coverings that have been imported from italy) but really, i shouldn't be surprised. after all, the past two summers featured a lot of leggings. including some in colours other than black. maybe this is a natural progression of sorts.

it's still really weird, though. because i hated tights, back in the day. they were a must-wear-thing, not a wanna-wear-thing. they always tore. they never fit.

i remember one incident, oh, nine years back, when i was wearing some way-too-expensive-control-top-tights to my then law firm job in melbourne. i'd bought the largest size available at myer (ignoring the size chart), and that thing just didn't fit. everything was wrong about these tights. they were digestion-stoppingly tight all around, and the crotch kept sliding down. which caused two rolls of thigh flesh to get caught above the gusset and rubbing against each other. all day. i remember being close to tears in the bathroom stall at the office in the afternoon, sweaty from the effort of trying to get myself into these tights again. and close to tears. in the end, the tights won. at the end of the day, when i finally got home and could take them off, the insides of my thighs were rubbed raw. ouch.

it's so different now. tights are not a torture contraption anymore. they fit. they last. they're like underwear, in a way, and much more comfy than a bra. but above all, they're an accessory. and i've realised i like my accessories kinda eccentric.


pleasantly spent.

had my first appointment with pt thomas tonight, and i think i'll stay with him for good (or until he also leaves for australia, haha). he's super exact, gives very clear instructions and totally gets that i need very clear instructions. and a lot of no's.

here are a few of 'em:
  • no running
  • no 5,5k race on november 28
  • no arc trainer
  • no crosstrainer
  • no weight-bearing cardio of any kind

there were a few 'yes', however, as well:

  • yes, he totally thinks that i will eventually lose the 3kg i want to lose (to get me to 60kg)
  • yes, he reckons what i've been doing has been good
  • yes, he reckons i can get back to running, eventually

hopped on the fat-measuring scale, and while there was a slight improvement of a pound or so, it really doesn't count (considering it was the end of the day and whatnot). thomas reckons that the fact i've been exclusively doing the milon strength circuit for the past six weeks is to blame for that plateau that i've been hanging around on, lately, and that it'll improve as soon as i'm changing the routine up again.

so here's what he's changing my programme to:

mondays and saturdays:
15 minutes rowing (warm up)
2 rounds milon strength circuit
a bunch of machines (at 2 sets of 12 reps max)
10-15 minutes of rowing at high intensity (heartrate consistently above 150 and up to 190 bpm)
(on saturdays, i might add 30 min on the hypoxi treadmill and the sauna)

30 minutes rowing (warm up)
2 rounds milon fat burning circuit
a bunch of machines
30 minutes hypoxi treadmill
(afterwards: no carbs for the rest of the day)

sounds very do-able, and really works well with my general week-planning and all. got home at just past 8pm today. fabulous. and in addition, starting next week, that is (this week: too hectic), i'll go swimming on either tuesdays or thursdays.

todays' workout left me really frickin' exhausted. which hadn't happened in a while, really. practically crawled off the rowing machine (feeling like p.bateman). and the stretching? hurt. in that really good way. still think that my weights are a bit low in places. got to tinker with them over the next few workouts. yay.

now: sleep.

[nablopomo 16/30]



of note: the rowing machine has been making me rather insane, lately. i get all crazy focused and dedicated. patrick bateman-like, kinda.

[not sure, really, what kind of machine he used, though. a climbing machine? or am i confusing him with the evil husband in 'sleeping with the enemy'?]


after a week of pretty crappy points counting, i'm finally back to losing again. not s'posed to understand this, am i? tomorrow, ww will reveal their new programme round here. and i'm actually (finally) kinda excited about it. how odd.

in any way, we're having 101cookbooks' autumn potato salad (it's actually wild rice with baked veggies and i'm doing it with a lot less fat). and everything is good, really.

[nablopomo 15/30]


eff off, friday.

today just hasn't been fun. i was flooded with work, stuck in a meeting for two hours and behind on most of my assignments until 5pm or so, when i finally got on top of everything. crappy feeling. snuck out at 2pm for a brief lunch break, however, ate some pumpkin soup, shopped for a few things and then returned to the hell that was my office today.

it's all fine now, obviously, and i wonder whether part of my feeling of being overwhelmed was simply because i got in about 20minutes late this morning (yesterday? knocked me out), felt out of the loop after two days away and just wasn't on top of things, really. oh well. done. over.

last night sucked a wee bit, too: i stayed up too late and suddenly (out of nowhere, really) started digging into the special k 100 kcal-packs we'd brought from our france holiday, and then i started rummaging through the pantry and had a few of those french soy orange biccies. insane, really, and totally pointless. just because i was tired, and alone at home, and hungry. emotionally hungry, really.

i stopped immediately though, and as soon as the bf got home, i told him of what i'd done. it wasn't a binge, by any means, but it was something that really didn't feel good, and just wasn't necessary or healthy. also told him to get rid of the biscuits. they're gone now. good stuff.

in other news, i want to get rid of simple carbs (bread, baked stuff, cakes, cookies, sweets, white stuff) for the next few days (or maybe weeks) again. they're just not doing me any good, especially in light of that damn yeast again. so yeah. of course today has sucked muchly because of that, too. my brain's been crying and shouting and pleading for bread, cookies, sweets, anything, really. during that two hour meeting this morning, it kept making up reasons why it'd be okay to dig into the gummybear smurfs in our office kitchen. insanity.

but all's good now. had a lovely dinner with the guy (who kindly patted down my grilled salmon steak with a tissue to get rid off excess decorative olive oil) and am finally home and relaxed and happy. still got to clean up the guest room now, as my friend a. is coming down for a visit tomorrow. major going out plans tomorrow night, yay. and i will totally not count points then, oh no.

also: it's the weekend. yay.

[nablopomo 13/30]


700km and back

in the past 48 hours:

  • the bf and i roadtripped about 1500km in the old passat car of a friend.
  • said passat tied on us about 350km from our destination and 4 hours before the bf was scheduled to be there because he had a speaking engagement.
  • we had to be rescued by adac; their tech got the car running again though, much quieter and reliable than before, too.
  • i was so stressed out about arriving on time that i really dug into the (mostly healthy) snacks i had prepared and ate way too much and way too much stuff i shouldn't have eaten (three pretzels in a row!) and scratched some spots on my neck bloody... geez. i was a total ball of nerves. but the guy and i? we never bickered. we were such a great team.
  • we eventually arrived 15 minutes before the bf was due to sit on that podium. pheew. we're awesome like that.
  • and the rest of the trip was great.
  • apart from waking up with yet another raging yeast infection.
  • and apart from the drive down. which went by without a hitch, but with killer traffic.
  • but all in all? the trip was still fun. the kind of fun, though, that we'll never want to have again. oh no.

[nablopomo 12/30]


in the zone.

i got up at 6am this morning because i had an unwritten, and still way too unplanned article with a deadline today. everything quite magically worked out, even though it had me working in overdrive till 7:30pm to get everything done. but everything got done, and the story turned out alright and i also resisted the siren call of the gummybear smurfs in the office kitchen who were calling me once i hit 4pm. now, however, i'm freakin' exhausted. day off tomorrow and thursday, though. heading up north for a speaking assignment for the guy. good stuff.

[nablopomo 010/30]


goals, and the reaching thereof.

hello internet, that's me in my underwear.

between these two photos are five months, 10kg (22lb), probably two dress sizes, three cup sizes, roughly 130 gym workouts and quite likely about 100kg of carrots and half a truck of milram frühlingsquark aktiv.

i'm a bit sad, that i never made the effort of taking proper progress pics at regular intervals. totally should have. looking at these two shots, it all doesn't seem that drastic anyway, which is weirding me out quite a bit. was my original shot in june too flattering? or does this loss look a lot more impressive in clothes, anyway? not sure.

so much has changed in these past five months though, and it's not just that jiggle in my thighs that's seriously lessened: i eat better, i love working out again, i have a fab, enjoyable routine. and i'm a runner, even when i'm under a no-running-order.

still not sure what exactly is causing my weird lack of motivation, my general underwhelmment so close to goal. maybe it's my general scepticism of that goal? do i really want to make it happen? can i really make it happen? is stepping it up a notch worth it? or maybe, just maybe, could it be that i am just a wee bit scared of finally arriving at the end of this weight loss journey?

something to think about on the arc trainer tonight, me thinks.

[nablopomo 09/30]


the times they are a-changin.

next week, ww will introduce a new programme in germany. rumours in their crappy forums (that i avoid like the plague, really) are ablaze, and most women there think they're going to put out an adaption of the momentum plan. i'm not that sure, really, because the momentum plan is not that different from what they're promoting round here right now, anyway.

whatever they'll do though: i'm surprisingly concerned about the changes. and at the same time feel totally ridiculous about doing so.

the current ww programme has worked so very well for me, even if my weight loss is oh-so-very slow right now (i'm back to normal again, btw, bye bye mystery 3lb of the past few days). i'm trying really hard to remind myself that the programme is only a tool. it's not the cause of my weight loss. i lost all that weight because i ate less and worked out a shitload. sure, it was by their rules, but in turn, i got a whole new effing lifestyle. and i'm well aware that won't change now, no matter what ww changes. this is not a diet anymore. this is life. my life. and i love it so much that i won't let this feeling go. ever again.

anyway: i'm whining. because if that new programme doesn't work for me? i simply won't follow it. it's that easy, isn't it?


[nablopomo 08/30]



"i guess i've grown up, or something."

that's what i thought when walking home this afternoon, after a gym visit that consisted of a hefty lifting session (just two rounds, and i was spent) an hour and 15 minutes of cardio, stretching, a massage and two rounds in the sauna. and a trip to the grocery store to buy lots of healthy stuff to cook dinner for the bf and me tonight. and all that? is a routine now.

how crazy.

i never thought i'd ever be a person with that kind of routine. my life these days is pretty well planned out with work, firmly set gym days (that are only ever changed under dire circumstances), routines with the guy about who cooks dinner when. my life? is regulated. and i really like it that way. which is a bit odd, really. it's still flexible, still jam-packed with good, new experiences. but it's running pretty smoothly because of said routine.

it was all so very different a year and a half ago, five years ago, ten years ago. in my early twenties, i was so very lost at times, clinically depressed, unable to get out of bed for days. it's so odd that it's all so very different.

and i like my routine. oh yes, i do.

daily goal check:
  • breakfast at work by 11am - no work today, but a snacky kinda brekkie before heading to the gym
  • drink at least 2l of water at work - no work today, but i think i had more than 2l
  • no baking at home - YES!
  • a lunch break, every day - N.A.
  • no more bread rolls during the workday - YES! no work today, and no bread
  • workouts on monday, wednesday and saturday - YES!

[nablopomo 06/30]


i'd like some pms to blame, please.

the mysterious weight gain? it continues. another pound up today. if i had a cycle (haha!) i'd at least be able blame this on pms. have no clue what the hell is happening right now. very weird, all that, am trying really hard not to freak out to much. my clothes fit really well, and i look freakin' skinny, so... no idea what's happening here. will try to drink more (helps with water retention, after all) lower my sodium intake, and sweat properly in the sauna tomorrow. tsk.

in other news, i'm feeling much better than yesteday, even though today was just as stressful. the mystery illness has disappeared and the bf's ex has finally succumbed to the reality of what's been happening to her, and i've been on the phone with her for about two hours today. so happy that it's friday, that i can sleep in tomorrow, and work out for a good long while and spend tomorrow night and sunday with the guy. and no one else. good stuff.

am kinda tempted to attempt a run tomorrow. should i, or shouldn't i?

daily goal check:
  • breakfast at work by 11am - YES!
  • drink at least 2l of water at work - NOPE! (prolly about 1l)
  • no baking at home - YES!
  • a lunch break, every day - NO!
  • no more bread rolls during the workday - YES! ('t was hard, though)
  • workouts on monday, wednesday and saturday - N.A.
[nablopomo 06/30]


worse, worse, worse.

i'm getting sick, the scale showed yet another slightly higher number today (65kg, wtf?) even though i've been so very diligent with everything, the bf is having a guys' night out and staying the night and i am kinda lonely (and did i mention getting sick?), i had no lunch break and worked till 7pm and i spend way too much time researching romance scams and talking to a woman who runs a german support forum for scam victims.

those first few things all suck and explain why i am so tired and out of it right now, but the latter breaks my heart, really. the bf's ex-wife (the mother of his grown daughter) is the victim of a romance scam. you know, the nigerian kind. yup, it happens to real people. real people, who are lonely and needy and don't know how to keep their guards up. the scammer approached her a few months ago, just weeks after she first joined myspace. it's all been pretty horrible, really, drama after drama (including deaths, accidents, comas) and even though the crap her 'fiancé' has told her is exactly like every nigerian scam warning list out there, she still believes he's real. well. managed to track his ips to a known spammer ip. and now i have to break those news to her. duh.

anyway. instead of whining, i should head to bed. today wasn't that great, really. tomorrow will be better. but i won't head to bed before having another piece of superdelicious sea salt choc. won't solve any problems, but will taste awesome.

daily goal check
  • breakfast at work by 11am - YES! (however, it was a giant pretzel. t'was an emergency.)
  • drink at least 2l of water at work - NOPE! (prolly about 1l)
  • no baking at home - YES!
  • a lunch break, every day - NO!
  • no more bread rolls during the workday - NO!
  • workouts on monday, wednesday and saturday - N.A.
[nablopomo 05/30]


better, better, better.

during my lunch break today, i had appointment #2 with prof pcos.

turns out, prof pcos is not a good name for him. because he? does not believe in the term pcos. ha. turns out he reckons it's used to a whole bunch of different syndromes, just because they share some symptoms. he prefers the term 'androgen dysfunction syndrome' (not sure whether i translated that alright), and has developed (and just recently published) a classification system for it. according to him, i've androgen dysfunction syndrome level I, which means that it's of ovarian origin (it can apparently also stem from the adrenal cortex or the pancreas) which i guess translates to what others would call 'pcos without insuline resistance'.

prof pcos reckons that two years ago, at 90kg, he would have most likely had to classify me differently, as he reckons my hormones must have been a lot worse back then, so losing all this weight has been really beneficial. he thinks i should definitely stay at this weight or loose just a little bit more. more motivation, that.

in any way, there is nothing i can and nothing i need to do right now. those superlong cycles without ovulation? (147 days today!) they are my normal.

that sucks, yes, but there's not point in stressing about creating cycles for me just for show. should my other symptoms - the shrinking boobs, the hair loss, the hirsutism - ever get too annoying, he'd totally prescribe meds. unless that happens or unless i need birth control or do want to get pregnant, after all, there's nothing to do, really. apart from living healthily and well and checking out the lining of my uterus via ultrasound every once in a while and maybe artifically kickstarting a bleed every few months to keep that all healthy. do-able, i thinkg.

i did ask how this diagnosis would impact my chances of being able to conceive, and he was really optimistic and positive about it. i'd need help, yes, but my ovaries (despite their obvious confusion) seemed relatively happy and healthy. trying to get me to ovulate would be tricky (because of the risk of overstimulation) but definitely possible. he also doesn't expect me to enter menopause early, and said that even though my egg quality would obviously decline, i'd probably have another ten or fifteen years of being able to conceive. phew. even though that's just an opinion, and far from a guarantee and whatnot, it kinda felt as if my biological clock was turned backwards a bit. good stuff. as much as i don't want a kid right now, and can't have a kid with the bf, i think about it so very very much. i can't imagine my life with a kid right now (but isn't it like that for everyone?), but at the same time, i have to admit that i can't really imagine my life without everything that having a kid, a family, entails. i see the bf and his grown-up daughter and it breaks my heart to envision my life missing out on that kind of relationship.
it's such a big topic, that one. but right now, i just can't envision leaving the first relationship that has ever really made me happy because of this. maybe i'd never find someone who'd be willing to mix his genes with mine, anyway, and then what?

hard. all of it. it's doubtlessly going to be a hot topic for a good long while.

but anyway. that appointment? was really good. even if not being able to do anything, not being prescribed anything apart from living healthily (hell yes!) is a bit weird. oh well. me=kinda stoked about finally having a diagnosis from a capable source. good stuff.

the rest of the day was so-so. work was kinda busy but actually fun as i got to do a radio interview for (get this) a hungarian radio show (in english) on how the german web scene is reacting to the swine flu. very funny, that. can't wait to hear my voice with added hungarian dubbing. ha!

got out of work by six, spend half an hour buying tights (that's how i roll) and chatting with the saleslady about weight loss (because i was all confused, still, about sizing). i am not officially one of those annoying ladies who tells others to join weight watchers. bad me! then headed to the gym, where i had a nicely exhausting work out. and then dinner, by myself at home. and chocolate.

it's all so much better. oh yes.

daily goal check
  • breakfast at work by 11am - YES! (leftover homemade pumpkin pie)
  • drink at least 2l of water at work - NOPE! (prolly about 1l)
  • no baking at home - YES!
  • a lunch break, every day - KINDA! (got out of the office, but had aforementioned doc appointment)
  • no more bread rolls during the workday - NOPE! (bad planning meant that i was huuuungry again and lots of work meant that i couldn't prep my carrots, so i had a tiny roll with vegemite. boo!)
  • workouts on monday, wednesday and saturday - YES! (15 min rowing, 2 rounds weight circuit as prescribed, weights, 30 min arc trainer, 30 min hypoxy, stretching)

[nablopomo 04/30]


realisation. [#1]

if i bring breakfast and lunch, keep healthy snacks around and drink water, work is a lot more fun, i am a lot less cranky and i can't even hear the freakin' siren song of the downstairs bakery.

i am a GENIUS, i tell you!

daily goal check:
  • breakfast at work by 11am - YES!
  • drink at least 2l of water at work - YES!
  • no baking at home - YES!
  • a lunch break, every day - NO! (no lunch break, but i got out just after 5:30pm instead and went shopping)
  • no more bread rolls during the workday - YES! (had some bread with dinner, though)
  • workouts on monday, wednesday and saturday - N.A.

[nablopomo 03/30]


stepping it up. [#2]

i did pretty well today: had a stressful day at work, but had very good meals (even though i had a tiny bread roll as a pre-gym snack, because i was oh so very hungry and in a rush, same as always) and a good workout at the gym.

i whined to both trainer frank and trainer thomas about my knees (which HURT again today). frank reckons i should stay away from the arc trainer and use the crosstrainer, thomas reckons i should stay away from both and instead use the stationary bike. the stationary bike bores me to death, though, so i used the crosstrainer today. which was terribly boring as well. listened to one of my fave running tracks while doing so, though, and that kinda helped. not sure yet, as to how to proceed; maybe i'll use a different machine at each visit to equally distribute the boredom?

thomas also made me up all of my weights in the strength circle. he reckons that two sets of much higher weights would be far more efficient than the three i'm doing right now, and he thinks i should up my weights until i practically crawl out of the gym afterwards. i'm not even close, to be honest. since jana first had me do that circle, i haven't really upped anything there, and that's apparently not good enough. quite a sucky feeling, that one - not having done enough, i mean. i added a good 10kg to most machines straight away, and i still think i could put on a lot more. so that's what i'll do on wednesday.

i feel much stronger btw, then last week, and my rowing has been really strong lately.3k in 15 minutes? sure thing! :)

daily goal check:
  • breakfast at work by 11am - YES!
  • drink at least 2l of water at work - ALMOST! (1l at work, another at the gym)
  • no baking at home - YES!
  • a lunch break, every day - NO! (no lunch break, but i got out by 6pm instead)
  • no more bread rolls during the workday - NO! (one tiny little roll after work, because i was starving, that was ok)
  • workouts on monday, wednesday and saturday - YES!

[nablopomo 02/30]


stepping it up.

the weekend is over and i could really do with another two days of doing nothing. that last week? was really exhausting. my best galpal was dumped by her bf on friday night (with no prior indication that anything was wrong), and that has hit me quite a bit and had me think about my own relationship a lot, especially on the heels of thursdays' emotional shake-up.

last night, the bf and i went out with a couple of friends, some of which i hadn't seen in a while: they all commented on my weight loss. my friend s. was all "erm, you've lost some weight there, c., was that intentional?" that was a bit weird, but nice nonetheless.

in other news, my injured knees (they're worse today, after using the arc trainer yesterday, boo!), lack of workouts, partying and the 2009 early fall cake fest seem to have had the wee little impact of a kg more on the scales this morning. i've also worked too much, sucked at planning food at work and did not take lunch breaks. all of which sucks, obviously.

so my (not so hard) goals for this week:
  • breakfast at work by 11am
  • drink at least 2l of water at work
  • no baking at home
  • a lunch break, every day
  • no more bread rolls during the workday (they've been slipping back into my meals this past week, damn bread-crack!)
  • workouts on monday, wednesday and saturday
also: nablopomo!

[nablopomo 1/30]


now that i've lost weight...[#3]

i can not only cross my legs much more easily, but i can also wrap my foot around my ankle while doing so, eagle pose style. very weird, that.

[i discovered my new skill on thursday night, while supernervously drinking jägermeister with that aforementioned ex-boy after his gig. he didn't comment on my weight loss but told me a couple of times how "fantastic" i looked, and that he was majorly attracted to me, still and...yeah. that conversation was very good for my ego.

he's a smart guy, that one (even though his taste in shirts is questionable). told me (in that order, i think) that he wished that we lived closer (because we'd be together, obviously, haha), was absolutely ready to have kids and marry and had finally quit pot. and then we took turns apologising for stuff we'd done in the past, told us way too personal shit and at the end of it all, it was decided that we weren't 'done with each other' yet. we promised each other to call sometime soon, not to get killed in random car crashes in the next few years and hugged each other for too long. and then i went home.

back in my old life, he and i wouldn't have had that conversation, btw, because we would have already been in my flat, naked.

it was supremely weird. but, like i said, good for the ego. was tired, (emotionally) shaken and hungover all day yesterday, though. am heading to the gym now, for two hours of sweating and the sauna. i really need both.]


exhaling some more.

i really missed the gym. seven days without proper sweating were way too many. i feel so much better already!

that first appointment with trainer frank, jana's replacement, went really well. until today, i'd only known him from around the gym and attending two or three pump classes led my him. in our one on one session he really impressed me with his knowledge and skills. first thing he did was take out an anatomy books to show me where and why i was hurting, how the stuff i've been doing at the gym impacted those spots and how i could modify my workout plan to ease the pain and build up additional strength.

turns out that i don't have to change that much, really: i just have to significantly lower two upper body weight machines, stay away from the power plate, stay away from running and instead hop on the crosstrainer, modify one leg stretch i've been doing and add another. and that's that.

he was super encouraging, applauded me for my flexibility and endurance, asked about the weight loss and assured me that wiht proper exercising and proper rest, i'd soon be up and running again. he's got no doubt that i can run that 5,5k at the end of november. phew.

for now i'm back to doing the same stuff at each gym visit, but i don't care for now. it's all good. rowed for 15 minutes, did my three rounds on the weight circle, a few machines, half an hour on the crosstrainer and took a good long time to stretch. and i feel like a new me. awesome. on saturday, i'll also throw in 30 minutes on the hypoxi, a massage and the sauna. oh yes.

life: much better. oh yes.