it's thursday, and i'm angry.

i'm ANGRY this morning, and i HATE it.

first off, the it department did an automatic update on my work pc, which killed all my browsers (bye bye, bookmarks, you'll be missed). and then i hear that the guys' immediate ex, n., who dumped him, oh, just about 20 months ago , is currently hanging out with the family.

(this is, where it gets complicated, because it is: the family, that's the bf's first wife. not the one we hung out with this past weekend, but l., the mother of his grown daughter and non-bio sons).

and this? just rubs me the wrong way. which is pretty silly, really, and most likely a serious case of patchwork family growing pains.

see: ex-wife l. recently ended up in a freaking nigerian romance scam (yes, that shit really happens to real people), and i've basically spend the past six weeks on the phone to her every single night. it's been a shitload of emotional work and so freaking hard.

when the stuff l. told me about her online relationship started to raise a whole army of red flags, back in september, i really wanted to help her, wanted to save her both the emotional and the financial pain. i was all gentle and instead of telling her i thought it was a scam all along, i pointed out the inconsistencies, until i finally had to be direct. i totally failed, really, and she got all angry with me for being so negative about her relationship. and when it dawned on her, weeks later, that i'd been right all along, i had to work through all her shitty feelings towards me.

i was super gentle and patient and helpful. i was on the phone with a woman who does a self-help group for victims. i read books on the topic. i did ip scans and checked databases for the scammers photo. and above all, i really worked hard at getting through to her and helping her cope, which was really frustrating, because some part of her? is still, even now, in denial, making up possible explanations for this shit.

and after all that, she's now hanging out (for a few days, even) with n.? n., the immediate ex of the bf. n., who rings our freaking doorbell at 3am in the morning, high on some shit, on a night when she thinks i am not at home, wanting to be with the bf again.

i'm not supposed to like that, am i?

i know i'm all ridiculous and whatnot. it's their lives, their relationship, and neither has a direct impact on mine. but really: it still feels shitty. it feels like one more way that n. is trying to sneak back into everyone's lives (specifically the bf's). and it feels like l. does not value what i've done these past months.

argh, argh, argh.

hello, insecurities, haven't seen you in quite a while.


Shauna said...

oh man... i feel for you comrade. hug hug! it is hard when you are trying to help people that don't necessary want to help themselves and/or are in denial. there is only so much you can do for someone. don't forget to think about YOU and that blurry line between helping someone and totally making their shitty problems YOUR shitty problems.

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I think you are 100% justfied in being angry and frustrated. It sounds like something right out of a soap opera.

I've been in similiar experiences where I try to help/support someone that I know will be hurt by the situation they are in, but they just can't see it. It's so hard.

I admire your concern and caring. Have you spoken to bf about the whole situation?

caro said...

thanks for the heads up, ladies

just after i'd typed my little rant, the bf sent me an email telling me he was unhappy about all this as well. good, good.

also found out that his daughter (who's the one person in all this i really really really want to have a good relationship with) is all weirded out by n.'s visit as well. she's coming for a visit to see us the weekend after this one, so all's good on the front that really matters.

i've really calmed down now: all of that is not my business, really. the relationships i need to keep in order (and the ones i can control) are mine. everyone else's? are none of my business.

this just goes to show that i need to continue to be hyper-vigilant when it comes to my relationship with l. - because not having one with her is not an option, too bad that relaxing a bit about it obviously isn't either (as long as she's hanging out with someone who's so shitty to the bf and me).


thanks again, you two. it's all much better today!