i had an epiphany after class today. (blessed be those bikram endorphins.)
i will become a bikram teacher.
yesterday was a supremely weird day. i was somehow, somewhat, kinda offered a job for next year and a writing gig on the side for now, and someone else (the conference in chile guy) liked my initial ideas a lot and wants me to take part in another conference/teaching thing in summer. and it all got me thinking about what's important in life, namely: how important is my job in the grande scheme of things? would i move to berlin for a job? (which would mean a definite end to my relationship, because i will never ever have a ldr again, and because r. cannot relocate because of his business) it really got me down a bit, all that. talked about it with friends for most of the night and all.
and then i had class today. it was taught my f., and he was as high-energy and awesome as on wednesday, and the class was SPLENDID. very hot and sweaty and fun. i had a fantastic time, really. i put my head and elbows on the floor again and even - get this - could let go of the floor in toe stand and put the palms of my hands together in front of my chest. i was smiling through the rest of class after that, and the entire floor series was fabulous. rabbit was great, and in tortoise, i touched my forehead to the floor before my hands for the very first time ever. crazy.
afterwards i was high and happy and kinda sad, and when i left and said goodbye, f. commented on my smiling: "it's so lovely that you smiled in class today, i had a class yesterday where everyone was grim, and it's so nice when someone lifts the mood." i told him how much i'd enjoyed it and how sad i was to not have a studio to practice and whatnot, and then he said, out of the blue: "do teachers' training." "what about the requirement of a 6 month studio practice?" "i had a guy in my year from scotland, who came out of a home practice as well. you can do it. ask h&k (from our previous studio) for a recommendation. you're such a vibrant, positive person, you'll do well."
and a lightbulb went off in my head: there are so many options. i don't just have the choice between crappily paid superstressful (but awesome) journo jobs in my hometown (the one that i have) or in faraway places. i don't have to choose between interesting work and happiness. i don't have to freak out because of this media crisis thing right now, and be scared about a potential job loss. this is not a definite plan by any means, but i could be self-employed and a bikram teacher while i write on the side. and there are a zillion other things i could do. i know that my life has been so much better with r. in it than ever before. what we have is above everything else. my life has also been so much better since i threw bikram into the mix. i need this yoga. i want this yoga. it has made me happy and healthy and skinny. i want more of it.
i called r. right after i left the studio, crying happy tears (no, seriously, endorphins are killer!), and after i'd stopped telling him that i really really want to become a bikram teacher, he said "i love you. not the journalist c. you are so many things. you can and will do this, if you want to."
so there.
bikram? is freakin' life-changing yoga. and i feel so much better already. so much less scared about my job stuff. i can be a bikram teacher.
i will be a bikram teacher.
Showing posts with label bikram yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bikram yoga. Show all posts
12/11/2009
12/10/2009
bikram. [#02]
i'm such a rockstar.
my friend s. and i stayed out drinking till 2:30am last night. and 7 hours later, i was sweating on my mat at bikram. oh yes. sweating out beer, possibly. he.
the class was good, but not as good as yestersdays': it was taught by b., whose dialogue is too soft; she's not very specific, kinda sloppy, not strict and even her tone of voice is not hard enough, really. in turn, her classes (and i've taken a few of them, both here and in my home studio) are always kinda wobbly and the energy isn't very high. tried to remind myself during class, when i felt resistance to her teaching welling up, that this was one more opportunity to work on non-attachement to everything surrounding the yoga, by doing my best, despite the crappy dialogue. oh well. 't was lovely anyway, and halfway through class, my towel looked like the shroud of turin from the sweat.
was a wee bit sore and tight today, but nowhere near as bad as i feared. managed to put my head on the floor in standing separate leg stretching pose and my elbows during head to knee stretching pose, and my standing head to knee and bows were pretty damn fine. in fact all my backbends were pretty fab. really felt a good lift in full locust, which never ever happens, really.
awesome, all that.
now off for a busy afternoon meeting various business contacts and friends; the grande outing i'd planned with my pal s. for tonight fell through though. bummer. got other plans already, that will quite likely be better for my health and wellbeing though. :)
yay for bigcitylife and bikram!
my friend s. and i stayed out drinking till 2:30am last night. and 7 hours later, i was sweating on my mat at bikram. oh yes. sweating out beer, possibly. he.
the class was good, but not as good as yestersdays': it was taught by b., whose dialogue is too soft; she's not very specific, kinda sloppy, not strict and even her tone of voice is not hard enough, really. in turn, her classes (and i've taken a few of them, both here and in my home studio) are always kinda wobbly and the energy isn't very high. tried to remind myself during class, when i felt resistance to her teaching welling up, that this was one more opportunity to work on non-attachement to everything surrounding the yoga, by doing my best, despite the crappy dialogue. oh well. 't was lovely anyway, and halfway through class, my towel looked like the shroud of turin from the sweat.
was a wee bit sore and tight today, but nowhere near as bad as i feared. managed to put my head on the floor in standing separate leg stretching pose and my elbows during head to knee stretching pose, and my standing head to knee and bows were pretty damn fine. in fact all my backbends were pretty fab. really felt a good lift in full locust, which never ever happens, really.
awesome, all that.
now off for a busy afternoon meeting various business contacts and friends; the grande outing i'd planned with my pal s. for tonight fell through though. bummer. got other plans already, that will quite likely be better for my health and wellbeing though. :)
yay for bigcitylife and bikram!
12/09/2009
bikram. [#01]
my first bikram class in eight months was awesome. oh, so very awesome.
one of my teachers from my previous studio taught todays' class, and it was intense, and hot and oh-so-familiar. like coming home. f. has got a superstrong dialogue, and i kept hearing out joint teachers in his voice: h. from our home studio, craig and bikram himself, obviously. it was lovely.
the whole class was lovely and amazing and weird and great at the same time. i felt fantastic. i loved the sweating and i was close to happy tears during my old foe, camel pose. it feels so good to move this way, so natural, so familar. so good. even though everything was different. i can do the poses so much better these days. i can wrap my toes around my calf in eagle. i can actually see my bellybutton during rabbit. there is so much less of me, that there is so much more space to move my body. it's very very odd.
the weirdest thing was looking at myself for 90 minutes though. i've never done that, obviously (my gym, which is of the health variety, only has mirrors in the free weights area, and in the class rooms; and when i'm there, i wear significantly more clothes than during bikram); especially not in shorts and a bra and while moving and using my muscles. and by god, i have so many of 'em, and so many bony bits, too!
it's weird. i really am a bit disconnected, still, from my new, kinda skinny body. i haven't quite realised that it's mine. but it is, and it's mine to keep.
and yeah: next class, tomorrow morning 9:30am.
one of my teachers from my previous studio taught todays' class, and it was intense, and hot and oh-so-familiar. like coming home. f. has got a superstrong dialogue, and i kept hearing out joint teachers in his voice: h. from our home studio, craig and bikram himself, obviously. it was lovely.
the whole class was lovely and amazing and weird and great at the same time. i felt fantastic. i loved the sweating and i was close to happy tears during my old foe, camel pose. it feels so good to move this way, so natural, so familar. so good. even though everything was different. i can do the poses so much better these days. i can wrap my toes around my calf in eagle. i can actually see my bellybutton during rabbit. there is so much less of me, that there is so much more space to move my body. it's very very odd.
the weirdest thing was looking at myself for 90 minutes though. i've never done that, obviously (my gym, which is of the health variety, only has mirrors in the free weights area, and in the class rooms; and when i'm there, i wear significantly more clothes than during bikram); especially not in shorts and a bra and while moving and using my muscles. and by god, i have so many of 'em, and so many bony bits, too!
it's weird. i really am a bit disconnected, still, from my new, kinda skinny body. i haven't quite realised that it's mine. but it is, and it's mine to keep.
and yeah: next class, tomorrow morning 9:30am.
10/05/2009
missing bikram.
i actually skipped a goal on saturdays' post.
#4 - bikram yoga
i want to have a dedicated bikram yoga practice. and train to become a bikram yoga teacher, as soon as i've had a solid practice for at least 18 months.
why did i skip that one? because right now, i just don't see how that might be attainable. there is, quite simply, no bikram studio round here, and none in sight, either, even though this town with it's large population of aging 68'ers and students would be perfect for one.
until i get a regular studio practice (you can do it by yourself, but it's just not the same without the heat and the group energy), i can't do teachers' training (which i couldn't afford time nor money wise anyway). while doing yoga during our trip this past week, in the bright sunshine on the porch of e. & l.'s house, with red earth on my mat and bikram's dialogue in my ear, i realised just how much i miss moving that way.
it sounds so corny, but bikram yoga turned my life around. i went to my first class (in the town where my ex lived) at almost 90kg in march 2008, and that class? made me want to eat better, be skinnier, healthier.
i thought that i was dying during my first class. the second class had me longing for apples. and after my third class i wrote: "today, during my third class, i understood that bikram, the intensity, the heat, the sweat, is just what i need right now. 'you can't run away from your body', the instructor said, and she's right, obviously. i looked at and worked with my body today and it was incredibly hard and incredibly satisfying. and sweaty. i'll go again tomorrow." that, people? that makes me weep. i had no clue back then, just where i was headed on this journey. and how long and hard (and eventually satisfying) looking at and working with my body would be.
#4 - bikram yoga
i want to have a dedicated bikram yoga practice. and train to become a bikram yoga teacher, as soon as i've had a solid practice for at least 18 months.
why did i skip that one? because right now, i just don't see how that might be attainable. there is, quite simply, no bikram studio round here, and none in sight, either, even though this town with it's large population of aging 68'ers and students would be perfect for one.
until i get a regular studio practice (you can do it by yourself, but it's just not the same without the heat and the group energy), i can't do teachers' training (which i couldn't afford time nor money wise anyway). while doing yoga during our trip this past week, in the bright sunshine on the porch of e. & l.'s house, with red earth on my mat and bikram's dialogue in my ear, i realised just how much i miss moving that way.
it sounds so corny, but bikram yoga turned my life around. i went to my first class (in the town where my ex lived) at almost 90kg in march 2008, and that class? made me want to eat better, be skinnier, healthier.
i thought that i was dying during my first class. the second class had me longing for apples. and after my third class i wrote: "today, during my third class, i understood that bikram, the intensity, the heat, the sweat, is just what i need right now. 'you can't run away from your body', the instructor said, and she's right, obviously. i looked at and worked with my body today and it was incredibly hard and incredibly satisfying. and sweaty. i'll go again tomorrow." that, people? that makes me weep. i had no clue back then, just where i was headed on this journey. and how long and hard (and eventually satisfying) looking at and working with my body would be.
"never too late, never too old, never too bad, never too sick...to start from scratch and begin once again." that quote by bikram was on my very first 'ten days for ten euros'-membership card to my former studio. and that quote? is spot on. i was this close to giving up on myself, my body, my health. but i didn't. because the yoga showed me, that i could work my way to a clean slate again.
truth be told, i have no idea just how i got through class back then. i was so unfit. so heavy. but i did. i was also unhappy in so many ways back then, a tight ball of sadness that struggled mightily in camel pose. but bikram yoga? made me feel better. and showed me that i could feel better, if at first only for that hour or two directly after class, the post-bikram high.
i long for the hot floor, the studio, the teachers, the other people in class. i miss my fave spot in front row, right corner, under the heater. i was so sad when i went to what i knew was going to be my last class, just before i left the ex. i still get incredibly sad when i get the email newsletter from my former studio. i miss it so much.
bikram yoga feels so natural to me, as if my body was made to move and be challenged that way. during my solo practice last week, it was nice to realise that some poses are much easier now that i've lost some weight; like eagle - i can slide my legs much better these days.
i will not give up on this goal, though. i will try to incorporate bikram yoga into my life by doing one class a fortnight by myself at home (better than nothing, and a do-able time commitment) and going to real classes whenever i get the chance, mainly when travelling to berlin or hamburg. i'll try to fit in one longer berlin trip sometime this winter, and will go to class every day then (even though the berlin studio is nowhere near as good as my old one).
bikram yoga feels so natural to me, as if my body was made to move and be challenged that way. during my solo practice last week, it was nice to realise that some poses are much easier now that i've lost some weight; like eagle - i can slide my legs much better these days.
i will not give up on this goal, though. i will try to incorporate bikram yoga into my life by doing one class a fortnight by myself at home (better than nothing, and a do-able time commitment) and going to real classes whenever i get the chance, mainly when travelling to berlin or hamburg. i'll try to fit in one longer berlin trip sometime this winter, and will go to class every day then (even though the berlin studio is nowhere near as good as my old one).
i'm sure one day the rest will fall into place somehow.
9/07/2008
limboland.
it's been a bit weird this past week. i miss bikram and the bikram bruises and the bliss and i miss the bf and i miss time to move. i feel good and skinny, but for the first half of the week, quite likely due to constipation and some serious water retention (from the heat? the lack of sweating? the sitting at work?), on my wednesday weigh-in day, i weighed a kilo more than before i headed off to the bf. right now, the scale is showing a 75 before the comma, so no need to panic as of yet. i have been eating lots though, kinda continueing the eating i did at the bfs where i was sweating my ass off once for 90 minutes every day, and i am hungry, tired and bored. didn't go proper grocery shopping until saturday, really. not too awesome.
after an enjoyable drinking binge (3 radlers, 2 g&ts) on friday night with some friends, i've basically slept all weekend, made myself good meals and got my hair cut. am feeling better already, apart from the feeling i get looking at my wrecked appartment, which i totally need to clean up at little tonight. or a lot, actually. i didn't really feel particularly in control of my life this week.
one of my major motivations fell through this week, too. i'd been kinda goaling towards weighing 70kg in early november, when a friend was supposed to visit (to wow him and all), and this week, his trip overseas was postponed till next spring. i guess it's nice to have more time to look hot, but still. bit of a bummer.
oh well. my goals for this coming week:
go me!
after an enjoyable drinking binge (3 radlers, 2 g&ts) on friday night with some friends, i've basically slept all weekend, made myself good meals and got my hair cut. am feeling better already, apart from the feeling i get looking at my wrecked appartment, which i totally need to clean up at little tonight. or a lot, actually. i didn't really feel particularly in control of my life this week.
one of my major motivations fell through this week, too. i'd been kinda goaling towards weighing 70kg in early november, when a friend was supposed to visit (to wow him and all), and this week, his trip overseas was postponed till next spring. i guess it's nice to have more time to look hot, but still. bit of a bummer.
oh well. my goals for this coming week:
- eating 16 points every day (saving 4 every day);
- eating breakfast at work every day, preferrably veges or fruit;
- drinking enough water;
- taking my vitamin every morning at my desk; and
- finally doing turbo jam.
go me!
8/27/2008
bikram bliss.
i've been on holidays at the bfs place the past five days: sleeping, cooking and going to bikram class every day. and i feel so very very good. i've been meaning to write about class every day, but the bf scowls every time i get out the computer, so i didn't.
it's been challenging and fun, these first five days of my cutesy little ten day challenge so far. no soreness, just lots of improvement in my poses. nothing much happening in standing head to knee (even though i've been getting better at that lamppost-no-knee-feeling), but my cobra series, locust and floor bow have gotten much better (i finally "rise up"), in standing seperate knee standing pose i regularly get my forehead on the floor, i no longer freak out in camel (or at least tolerate the freakout well) and in standing bow, i can go higher and hold longer. i still get high afterwards, too. plus i've got bruises on my left hip (from floor bow) and right foot (from hero's pose).
and i feel skinny.
which is weirding me out, big time, because i am NOT skinny, just skinnier. i like my stomach again, and my thights have definitel lost wobble and gained definition. i've doubtlessly lost some weight this past week, even though the boyfriends scale (which is of the unrealiable kind) tells me i weight 76kg. which doesn't freak me out at all. my clothes are so very loose and i love looking at my battered, stretchmarked body. i take up less space now. and i love it.
it, the feeling. and the body, too.
my eating has been a bit warped though: not much during the day (because of yoga) and large dinners with the boy, mostly healthy though. we'll be buying pizza however, tonight. my first pizza in six months or something. how odd.
oh well. i'm happy right now. very very happy. i wish i could do bikram every single day. i will, next year, once i move here. can't wait.
it's been challenging and fun, these first five days of my cutesy little ten day challenge so far. no soreness, just lots of improvement in my poses. nothing much happening in standing head to knee (even though i've been getting better at that lamppost-no-knee-feeling), but my cobra series, locust and floor bow have gotten much better (i finally "rise up"), in standing seperate knee standing pose i regularly get my forehead on the floor, i no longer freak out in camel (or at least tolerate the freakout well) and in standing bow, i can go higher and hold longer. i still get high afterwards, too. plus i've got bruises on my left hip (from floor bow) and right foot (from hero's pose).
and i feel skinny.
which is weirding me out, big time, because i am NOT skinny, just skinnier. i like my stomach again, and my thights have definitel lost wobble and gained definition. i've doubtlessly lost some weight this past week, even though the boyfriends scale (which is of the unrealiable kind) tells me i weight 76kg. which doesn't freak me out at all. my clothes are so very loose and i love looking at my battered, stretchmarked body. i take up less space now. and i love it.
it, the feeling. and the body, too.
my eating has been a bit warped though: not much during the day (because of yoga) and large dinners with the boy, mostly healthy though. we'll be buying pizza however, tonight. my first pizza in six months or something. how odd.
oh well. i'm happy right now. very very happy. i wish i could do bikram every single day. i will, next year, once i move here. can't wait.
8/06/2008
getting enraged about things not worth getting enraged about.
weight watchers lost my weight data. yeah, i'm to blame, in part at least. they cancelled my account after unsuccessfully trying to take money off my bank account and failing. i contacted customer service as soon as i noticed it had happened to avoid cancellation, yet they still cancelled it, four days after me being in touch. customer service told me to join with the similar name again, so i did, and all my other data, my whole freaking points diary, is still there, but my weight loss graph plus all the stupid stars? gone. and i can't add weights for a time frame "before i was a member". the site tells me my new 10% goal is 70,5kg. at which point i'll have lost close to 20kg. or 20% of my starting weight. assholes.
if they can't fix this, i will never get to see that "25kg" star i'm striving for. and bizzarely enough, i want that stupid star, even though i know that it doesn't really matter. i'm kinda angry right now. more angry than i should be.
i'm also still angry about my stupid scale. i've been stepping on and off for the hour that i've been awake, hoping for a lower number, yet i'm still stuck with most of that extra kilo the new batteries gave me. haha.
gah.
in non-enraged news, i had an awesome long weekend at the boyfriends place. with some going out, some sleeping in and a lot of bikram. i went to bikram class on saturday, completely collapsed, spend all day sunday at the bikram seminar getting my ass seriously kicked for eight hours of seminar and two hours of the hardest bikram class i've ever been to (and loving it) and had a fantastic class on monday, during which i even managed to stretch my leg in "stading head to knee" and didn't take any breaks. i don't think i've felt this at home in my body in ages.
i'll be at the boyfriends' place for nine days at the end of the month, a time when we wanted to holiday together, but when he now needs to work, so i'm planning on going to class every single day. my very own one third of a thirty day challenge or so.
in non rage, non bikram news, i bought an adorable weird sportsweary type dress at hummel. in size m. which is a little too tight ass wise, but size l was way too large chest wise. i'll shrink into it and wear it with leggings, which i would have done any way. no matter what the scale says when i step on it right now (after going to the loo one last time) for todays official weight-in.
[edited to add: after another bathroom trip (finally not constipated anymore, haha!) 78,3kg. same as at last weeks' weigh-in with the old batteries. so i lost that scale weight, even if nothing tells me i did. at least something. and what all that freaking obsession about the scale is all about is something i need to address some other time.]
if they can't fix this, i will never get to see that "25kg" star i'm striving for. and bizzarely enough, i want that stupid star, even though i know that it doesn't really matter. i'm kinda angry right now. more angry than i should be.
i'm also still angry about my stupid scale. i've been stepping on and off for the hour that i've been awake, hoping for a lower number, yet i'm still stuck with most of that extra kilo the new batteries gave me. haha.
gah.
in non-enraged news, i had an awesome long weekend at the boyfriends place. with some going out, some sleeping in and a lot of bikram. i went to bikram class on saturday, completely collapsed, spend all day sunday at the bikram seminar getting my ass seriously kicked for eight hours of seminar and two hours of the hardest bikram class i've ever been to (and loving it) and had a fantastic class on monday, during which i even managed to stretch my leg in "stading head to knee" and didn't take any breaks. i don't think i've felt this at home in my body in ages.
i'll be at the boyfriends' place for nine days at the end of the month, a time when we wanted to holiday together, but when he now needs to work, so i'm planning on going to class every single day. my very own one third of a thirty day challenge or so.
in non rage, non bikram news, i bought an adorable weird sportsweary type dress at hummel. in size m. which is a little too tight ass wise, but size l was way too large chest wise. i'll shrink into it and wear it with leggings, which i would have done any way. no matter what the scale says when i step on it right now (after going to the loo one last time) for todays official weight-in.
[edited to add: after another bathroom trip (finally not constipated anymore, haha!) 78,3kg. same as at last weeks' weigh-in with the old batteries. so i lost that scale weight, even if nothing tells me i did. at least something. and what all that freaking obsession about the scale is all about is something i need to address some other time.]
8/01/2008
dear ass, meet brickwall. brickwall, meet ass.
did you know that if you do not lose weight, weight watchers gives you a condescending little message. "it looks like you haven't lost weight this week, did you track your points?". it does this, even if all you've "gained" is 300 grams. weeh. great motivation, that.
it feels like i've hit a brick wall in this effort, nonetheless. with my ass. my ample ass.
first off, i bought new batteries for my scale. and guess what: i'm supposedly heaver today than i was yesterday. great. my paranoia about it was spot on. yesterday, i was 78,3. today i am 79kg. thank you, scale.
secondly, i have a feeling that now i've lost my hypothryrodism weight (who knows when my thyroid gave up, but i'd gladly blame the ten kilos in one year thing on it - my thyroid made me eat all these pringles!). in any way, i have a feeling that this will be harder, much harder from now on. now, that i am on to the real weight. the one i was before.
the past week was shit. first, i was on a team building trip for work that revolved around food, then i visited the parents with the boyfriend. grilling ensued at both occasions. it's a tough thing for vegetarians, pointswise; soy sausages are basically just fat and water (ten poins! like: half a pizza). i made a ww salad for dinner at my rents, and ate lass than i would have before, but way more than i should have. lots of bread. and ice cream. normal ice cream, not sorbet, and i almost fell back into my overeating habits.
since being back, i did okay. stayed within my allotted points and my food rut. maybe i need to mix this up, too, to encourage weight loss. who knows. still haven't started working out. my place is a mess, i am a mess and tired and exhausted in the evenings (because i don't work out, haha). i need to do this.
in any way, this weekend, i'm travelling to see the boy and will go to three bikram classes while i am there, including a full day workshop with a bikram master. that'll make me feel better.
can't wait for the work. and the post-bikram high. i need it.
it feels like i've hit a brick wall in this effort, nonetheless. with my ass. my ample ass.
first off, i bought new batteries for my scale. and guess what: i'm supposedly heaver today than i was yesterday. great. my paranoia about it was spot on. yesterday, i was 78,3. today i am 79kg. thank you, scale.
secondly, i have a feeling that now i've lost my hypothryrodism weight (who knows when my thyroid gave up, but i'd gladly blame the ten kilos in one year thing on it - my thyroid made me eat all these pringles!). in any way, i have a feeling that this will be harder, much harder from now on. now, that i am on to the real weight. the one i was before.
the past week was shit. first, i was on a team building trip for work that revolved around food, then i visited the parents with the boyfriend. grilling ensued at both occasions. it's a tough thing for vegetarians, pointswise; soy sausages are basically just fat and water (ten poins! like: half a pizza). i made a ww salad for dinner at my rents, and ate lass than i would have before, but way more than i should have. lots of bread. and ice cream. normal ice cream, not sorbet, and i almost fell back into my overeating habits.
since being back, i did okay. stayed within my allotted points and my food rut. maybe i need to mix this up, too, to encourage weight loss. who knows. still haven't started working out. my place is a mess, i am a mess and tired and exhausted in the evenings (because i don't work out, haha). i need to do this.
in any way, this weekend, i'm travelling to see the boy and will go to three bikram classes while i am there, including a full day workshop with a bikram master. that'll make me feel better.
can't wait for the work. and the post-bikram high. i need it.
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