status update. [#1]

  • iced my knees twice today;
  • took nsaids;
  • used diclofenac cream;
  • substituted all cardio machines with the stationary bike;
  • lowered all my lower body weights;
  • upped all my upper body weights; and
  • started working on project pull-up (3 sets of 15, assisted with 80 pounds or so).
my mood has hence somewhat improved, oh yes.

[in unrelated news: flax in oatmeal = glorious digestive action. hooray!]


the knees have it.

had a much needed appointment with my trainer tonight. i'd casually been whining to thomas for weeks about my knees, and today we sat down and talked about 'em. for real. while my ortho was kinda indifferent and not exactly helpful, thomas reckons i really, really, really need to tone it all down for now.

which apparently translates to a lot of no's:
  • no serious weights on my legs;
  • no more hypoxi;
  • no arc trainer;
  • no crosstrainer; and
  • no rowing.
which leaves only super light weights and the stationary bike, with almost no resistance. i whined that this wasn't a hard enough workout, that i needed to sweat, that i wanted to lose weight, that i wanted to push myself, and yadayadayada. thomas scolded me and told me that right now, my focus should be getting my knees happy and healthy again, and that whatever number was on the scale really wasn't something i needed to focus on anymore.

so it will be me, some light weights, my boredom, and the stationary bike. for three weeks. and then we'll check for improvement.

thomas also reckons that i should not entertain any goals this year that involve running. and that competing in a triathlon this summer (and training for it) is totally out of the question. in his opinion my knees would not be able deal with any kind of serious cycling training involving hills either.

my one kinda fun goal for now: learning to do pull-ups.

can't tell you how sad & defeated i feel right now.


credit, where credit is due. [#1]

i ended up working longer than expected today, and while waiting for the tram to take me to the gym (and then home), a tiny voice turned up in my head 'you'll be home so late tonight if you go to the gym right now, you totally deserve to go home asap. and you deserve a snack. pretzels, maybe.' yet before that crappy self-talk could turn into crappy action, i reminded myself that i had NO CHOICE about going to the gym, and the tram turned up and i read a few pages in the beck book (it really is like the big book for former fatties, innit?) and before i knew it, i was in the gym changing rooms, putting on my gym shoes.

and then i chugged out more metres than ever before on the rowing machine. and then i pushed myself really hard doing weights. and then i pushed myself on the arc trainer. and then i crawled to the stretching area, stretched for a good, long while. and then i crawled into the shower and into my clothes and then home. where the guy was cooking dinner for me. and i felt glorious. much better than if i had given in earlier tonight.

well done, me. well done.


now that i've lost weight. [#8]

i have to mention bones once more: these new bony bits? they are weird.

i mean, they are nice and all, and they look good (at least to my eyes). and yet. they hurt. a bit. a tiny tiny bit. the guy (the superskinny one) keeps assuring me that everything i've been complaining about (bruises from bumping into things, belts sitting uncomfortably on hip bones, the fact that one of my shoulder bags, which has really thin straps, is not very comfy to wear because of annoying bone rubbing, ad nauseam) is perfectly normal. but well: DUH! . no one ever told me that skinny people feel their bones this much, and that some extra padding can actually be useful at times.

but don't get me wrong: i do not miss the padding qualities of the 27kg/60lb i've lost so far, not one bit. but just to quench any sort of fat nostalgia, here are a few random uncomfy things i don't have to deal with anymore:
  • no more chub rub between my thighs!
  • no more chub rub under my arms!
  • jeans are suddenly comfy and don't hurt my sides!
  • the rubber bands of socks don't leave uncomfy dents!

goals for the week. [#8]

my weight on sunday morning:

it's been really interesting to weigh myself every day. i never realised how much my weight fluctuates! it's been as high as 63,3 kg (morning after a carb heavy meal) and as low as 61,9 kg (morning after carb-free night, hypoxi workout). never thought i'd say that, but starting to weigh myself daily might have been the sanest thing, ever, in this whole weightlossjourneything, because it has totally taken all pressure of my weigh-ins. (need to elaborate on that in a seperate blog post.)

how was my week?

pretty damn fine, really: diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned (and really pushed through some negative self-talk when i didn't feel like it at first on wednesday night), weighed myself every day. everything went pretty smoothly, really. the one kinda stupid thing i did this week though was once again overeating on healthy stuff: made myself a proper, yummy dinner, but just didn't stop when i was full. the yellow lentils were just too yummy (and i'd had a majorly stressful day at work). i'm still paying for that with a seriously unhappy digestive track. to prevent this from happening again, i will cook less lentils in the future. and really work on learning how to stop when i'm full. i also haven't followed up on my ortho visit; really need to schedule my physio appointments soon and get myself new shoes and those insoles.

haven't felt that great this weekend: fell asleep on my way into town saturday night and felt so crappily, that the guy and i cancelled our going out plans and went back home. i fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm and was totally out of it. today's been better, but i've been struggling with a major headache all day. let's see what that is - there are lots of crappy bugs going around right now (aren't they always?). i hope it's nothing.

in general, i've been terribly busy: work was really stressful this past week, and at the end of the day, i was really out of it. neither had the time nor energy to do stuff, blog or read the beck book, as planned. just wasn't my week in that regard, and i actually don't see that changing for at least three more weeks. which is when we'll have houseguests for two weeks straight. oh well.

how did i do on my goals?
  • no bread - yup! getting easier and easier, that one;
  • no booze - yup! still easy;
  • ice my knees twice every day - did kinda ok on that one, managed one ice session every evening; have been getting up so early, that the morning one was too much of a struggle, really; i'll keep aiming for two though;
  • start actually working through the beck diet - didn't manage that one, and i'm starting to wonder whether i'll have to postpone that for a little while. this coming week. i will start reading the book on my way to work, complete the flash cards and take it from there;
  • get an appointment with thomas - done, seeing him tuesday night;
  • get appointments for physio - still have to do that;
  • blog about my 2010 goals - dito;
  • blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.

nsv of the week:

for our sunday walk with the dog today, we chose a route that we hadn't taken since december '08. back then, it was a horrible experience for me. i felt like shit, trying to get up a certain ascend. huffing and puffing my way up there back then i said "it's my goal of '09 to get fit again." and i did it. and today master that same ascend barely being out of breath. which very much rocks. because that's what it's all about, in the end, this weight loss, this fitness stuff: being better at doing stuff in the real world.

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on, really. and try to eat more of my weekly allowance points, i've been having trouble digging into these, and i shouldn't. they are there to be eaten.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?
  • monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching, sauna)
  • wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
  • saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)
weekly goals:
  • no bread;
  • no booze;
  • ice my knees twice every day;
  • read the beck book on my way to work;
  • finish getting my flash cards ready:
  • get appointments for physio;
  • research new running shoes;
  • get appointment for insoles;
  • blog about my 2010 goals; and
  • blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.



i'm HUNGRY. right now. right this very moment.

because i most certainly haven't eaten enough protein and fat during the day today. and because eating chopped veggies with quark in the middle of winter for lunch just isn't satisfying enough. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? (well, i would have, if i had thought about it, that is.)

thankfully, the guy will be home soon. and then we will have dinner, asap, and all will be good. and i will feel awesome for not snacking before dinner, and for having dinner when hungry.

all this? is beck diet-thinking at work. even though i still haven't properly started the programme, with reading my flash cards, and whatnot. what i have changed, so far, however is this, just after reading the first part:

  • i've started weighing myself once (and just once) every day, without judging, and writing down that weight;
  • i've been planning my meals in the evening for the following day, written that plan down and then followed that plan;
  • i've made an effort to eat more slowly;
  • i've dealt with hunger, and let myself feel hunger, it's something i've been terribly afraid of while dieting, but it turns out i can deal with hunger, in lots of different ways (like by writing this blog post);
  • i've defined times when i wanted to eat, and stuck to these times (using e.ggtimer, actually, to prevent myself from snacking right after meals before i'd had time to start feeling satisfied); and
  • in challenging moments, i've reminded myself why i was abstaining, why i want to be skinny, why i like myself, told myself that i could do it, and gave myself credit.

i actually gave myself a shitload of credit this past week. for going to the gym. for working out. for choosing healthy meals. for sticking to my plans.

it sounds a bit stupid, really, but i rock, for doing all this. i am proud of myself for turning my life around, proud of the changes i have made and will continue to make. i'm proud i'm not crouching in front of the kitchen cupboard right now, chucking down wasabi peanuts by the handful. i can't wait to start cooking (as soon as the guy calls that he's leaving the shop).

one week kinda-in with beck, with barely one foot in the door, and so much is different already.

good stuff, me thinks.

but good grace, am i HUNGRY.


goals for the week. [#7]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

so. much. better. diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned, started reading the complete beck diet for life, some friends i hadn't seen in a year visited, i had the most perfect workout morning on saturday and then pretty much spend all day sunday in bed with the bf. it was all kinda awesome, really.

and the new week started interestingly, too: had an 8:30am appointment with my ortho: he reckons i have dysplasia in my knees, prescribed physio and insoles. very much need new running shoes and decent shoes to wear every day. hmph.

how did i do on my goals?
  • no bread - yes! i deserve so much credit for not eating bread during two dinners out, and when the bf got fresh flat bread from the downstairs kebap place to have with soup. i smelled it, i touched it, i didn't eat any. ha!
  • no booze - yes! very much wanted some, when eating out this past weekend, but i resisted; loving the clearheadedness of everything right now, so easy!
  • ice my knees twice every day - failed, yet again. i need to get myself new ice packs, i somehow managed to lose the cloth covers of the ones i got a few months ago, and since then, my compliance has deteriorated, so there;
  • blog about my 2010 goals - failed, yet again, too busy to blog, in a way. definitely (and finally) this week!
  • blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.

nsv of the week:

resisting the bread basket during too dinners out, and resisting the salt pretzels while hanging out at a cocktail bar. and a comment by my pt on saturday morning: "have you lost weight this week? your face looks super skinny this morning, it's really obvious."

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on. and start working throught the beck book. i also want to up my veggie intake, these past few weeks have been a bit grain-heavy.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?
  • monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, possibly hypoxi, stretching, sauna)
  • wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
  • saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)
weekly goals:
  • no bread;
  • no booze;
  • ice my knees twice every day;
  • start actually working through the beck diet;
  • get an appointment with thomas;
  • get appointments for physio;
  • blog about my 2010 goals; and
  • blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.


some random things that i believe about food.

  • all fast food ist evil.
    the only chain fast food i've had in the past years is subway, and that hasn't happened in at least six months or so.
  • all processed food is evil.
    i avoid processed, pre-packaged pretend food, including 'organic' processed, pre-packaged stuff.
  • all 'diet' food is evil.
    i believe that artificial sweeteners are bad for your metabolism, and i avoid them as well as i can.

  • diet soda is especially evil.
    and hence i haven't had any in 700 days. one of the best things i've ever done.
  • eating meat is bad for the world in a multitude of ways.
    earth, water, climate, people.
  • eat food. not too much. mostly plants.
  • the stranger the grain, the better.
    and the more strange grains i try, the more i realise that i can love them all.
  • legumes are superawesome and surprisingly yummy.
    i didn't grow up eating legumes, and i'm kinda sad that i lived without yellow lentils for the first thirty years of my life.
  • the more protein something non-animal has, the better.
    nut butters! amaranth!



5 pounds down in the last 72 hours. down the loo, obviously.

my rings are way too lose again, my clothes fit better, and the definition in my arms, legs and upper body is almost back to normal. this recent experience of swelling like a pufferfish has been a first, which isn't that surprising, really, given that the number of pill-free cycles my body has ever had is less than a dozen or so. or maybe this is just the first time that i ever truly noticed. because that's different, these days: i'm so much closer to my body right now, than i ever was.

the extend of disconnect that i obviously had at a higher weight baffles me. i now notice what happens in my belly after dinner. i know the landscape of my body, the bones and muscles. i know where i begin and end. and i like it that way. and yet: there's so much stuff i still don't know, or don't get. like that i retain water like crazy before my period. or that my patella tendons are still so very unhappy, despite no running in three months and pretty regular icing.

i'll learn all that eventually, i guess. for now, i need patience, right? right.



i used to hate people who said "i'm still recovering from that...." days after something had happened to them. i was young, i had no clue. at some point yesterday i realised that i was still recovering from the week with the kids, and the just barely made deadlines, the pms, the everything else. last night, i hung out at home, cooked myself a decent meal and did nothing. nothing at all. and it felt great. and then i slept for a good seven hours or so. and felt even better. and yet even today, i am still recovering from that stress.

guess i'm getting old, harhar.

in any way, i'm in much better spirits right this very moment than i've been in a good long week or so. had an alright day at work, my first lunch break of the year with my friend e. and her adorable kid, went to the gym after work and cooked myself a great, carb-free dinner. and right now, i'm sipping my second cup of gourmet espresso and waiting for the guy to come home. it's all good.

i'm trying to be okay with the fact that i've been so upset with everything this past week because of frickin PMS, but doing so is surprisingly hard. it feels so ridiculous, really. and i feel like a total newbie dealing with it and all it's glory. which i guess i am, because i was on the pill for all my adult life. the pms i struggled with then was of a different kind, really, it had zero physical components, it just made me suicidal (and i'm totally not kidding, it was my then therapist who realised i was on the brink once every four weeks, like clockwork). right now, my body is apparently trying to get herself a proper cycle for the first time in, well, her whole life, and i'm kinda amazed by it, and freaked out. and a wee bit sad for me being so amazed and freaked out. i am 31, not 13. shouldn't i know this stuff already? (like: weight fluctuations? NORMAL! also: thank you, sandrelle, for your fabulous posts on weight and it's fluctuations, pt.1,2,3.)

yesterday, i started reading the beck diet for life, following in jen's footsteps. and i'm blown away by it already. it feels like just the thing i need, really: a training programme for my head. it's been so interesting to just read the first step, without actually doing the exercises yet (i like to know what i get myself into, after all): i've felt so much resistance against the book already, it's very telling. reading it has been a bit like reading diane's fabulous blog: it brings up so many of my own issues that it's a bit too close to comfort at times. which is, obviously, what makes it so very fabulous. in any way, so i'll start working through it, one skill at a time, once i'm done reading the first step. have started gathering my supplies. it will be grand.


goals for the week. [#6]

my weight on sunday morning:

up 2kg. there's NO WAY i've gained that much weight in the past week. it has to be hormonal, really. not stressing about it for now (or: trying to), kinda waiting for it to pass, really. and drinking more. and watching my portions. and counting points.

how was my week?

i'd totally underestimated the impact that the kids' visit would have on the life the bf and i share. it was just off, and he and i were transformed into a management team, trying to keep a stressful situation under control.

it sounds so silly, really, but i'd kinda thought that a six year old was much less work. but he needs to be fed! (and hates most food!) and put to bed! and dressed! and washed! and entertained! good grace. and that on top of work. i have a much deeper admiration for parents now. after just one week. i practically didn't get a single break all week and cooked every night, and then i had to get myself to the office on saturday and sunday as well (to work on a non-work assignment for that conference thing i mentioned a while back) as well.

since i wrapped that up on sunday, i'm much happier, actually. that'd been bothering me all week as well. in any way, i was hungry all the time, didn't take any breaks during work, only got to the gym twice (had to ditch my third trip because of absolutely having to make that deadline), and i had to ditch my pt appointment as well. shouldn't be surprised that i'm tired now, eh? i was super weirded out by *feeling fat* this week as well, and want to nip that kind of disconnect in the butt. ordered the book that jen of prior fat girl is reading on the blog, "the beck complete diet solution", and will start working through that now.

how did i do on my goals?

  • no bread – failed, big time, again, when i mindlessly got myselfpretzels as snacks TWICE. enough!
  • no booze – done & easy.
  • ice my knees twice every day - managed once most days, got to step that up
  • blog about my 2010 goals - just didn't have time (plus the older kid blocked the computer most nights)
  • blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance (dito)
nsv of the week:

eating well on our day trip to the zoo and not tiring during said trip.

what will i do this week?

get back to normal! i just want to get my groove back, really, and since sunday morning, i've almost fully recovered. i'll properly count points again (failed to do so on friday and saturday), do my usual workouts, get back to basics. we got friends visiting from thursday on (not sure yet, how long they'll stay, strange nomads that they are), and that'll be lovely.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?
  • monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
  • wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
  • saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)
weekly goals:
  • no bread;
  • no booze;
  • ice my knees twice every day;
  • blog about my 2010 goals; and
  • blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.


oh, sweet fame!

you can hear me and the remnants of my aussie accent in the latest episode of the fabulous two fit chicks and a microphone: getting started in 2010! thanks for having me, carla & shauny!

i'm in the fabulous (albeit kinda humbling) company of:

haven't listened to the episode myself yet, will do so tonight, while sweating at the gym, how perfect.

cd 50

well done, body!

[also: ouch!]


another mirage.

i had another fat-me-mirage, on wednesday night. this time, it was an old grey aa v-neck longsleeve that caused it.

and another one bites the dust.

dear body, [#1]

first off: i love you. i'm so happy with what you and i have been up to over the past year and a half. you rock! now it's because of you're usual rock-ness that i'm a bit puzzled by you this week.

first off, you're once again not too fond of digesting food in a timely manner (thanks for finally deciding an hour ago to let go of the oatmeal that hat turned to bricks in my gut over the past three days though, that was lovely), then you request tons of sleep, you've obviously decided that you need to store water for something (because seriously: you and i, we haven't gained 2kg in the past three days), you crave to be fed with sweets and you've mysteriously given me some of my lost boobage back.

dearest body, could it be that you're trying to get our joint uterus ready to menstruate again? if so, i wholeheartedly congratulate your efforts, considering that it's only cd45, after all (last time, it was cd166!), which would be a stellar achievement for all of us involved. you can rest assured, body, that i wholeheartedly support all of your undertakings in regards to reproductive health. the diva cup and i excitedly await the result of your striving.

you can do it! but please just get over this pms-crap already.

much love,


inspiration. [#10]

"what has the potential to trip me up once in awhile is not so much the physical transformation as the emotional transformation. i’ve said many times since reaching goal that i finally feel like the outside me and the inside me finally match, but the longer i maintain, the more i think that descriptor may be a bit premature. in many ways, my inside is still catching up.

the emotional transformation from obese me to maintaining me is perhaps even more astounding than the physical transformation. it’s just not as apparent. the transformation began the moment weight loss “clicked” five years ago. most people who successfully lose and maintain their weight had an “aha!” moment – that realization that things are different “this time” as opposed to all the other times they tried to lose weight and failed. for me, that moment was followed by an avalanche of changes, not just in the way i ate – that was the easy part – but in the way i related to food and, even more important, how i related to myself. i began to demand from myself respect, forgiveness, and understanding – three things i rarely asked of myself or others. i often hid in my fat or other emotional insecurities and believed i didn’t deserve to be treated fairly.

physical transformation is, for the most part, finite. we can sculpt our bodies through weight training and surgery, but if we remain the same weight, we pretty much look the same. emotional transformation is infinite, an evolutionary journey."

the fat-me mirage.

something odd happened last night as i was brushing my teeth. i'd fallen asleep on the couch watching a documentary with the bf, who woke me up and made me head to the bathroom (oh, sweet love). and there, in the mirror, fat-me was looking back at me.

earlier that night, after coming home from the gym , i'd put on some jeans and an old, too big sweater that i had decided to keep during my wardrobe cull over the weekend. it's this one, actually. supercheap, h&m, acrylic v-neck. nothing special at all, and too big now. but wearing it last night, in the dimly lit bathroom, there was fat-me in the mirror.

in broad daylight, the sweater is quite obviously too big. my arms used to fill the sleeves out completely (see photo), and they just don't anymore, and the boobs that made the sweater tight are gone. and yet. for a few moment there, i saw fat-me. much more clearly, than i ever saw her, when she was actually there.

[i will chuck the sweater into the bin later today.]

things that i love right now. [#2]

  • towel service at my gym, 2 euro a week that make me work out more;
  • my nalgene bottles, which help me drink enough water;
  • lemon-ginger yogi tea, which really heats me up on these chilly days; and
  • fennel-aniseed-caraway tea, which is soothing and lovely and awesome.

goals for the week. [#5]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

my week was generally lovely – holidays, wee! - but foodwise a total 'so-so'. first off, there were mystery weight fluctuation (64,3kg, anyone?), then i failed to plan lunches, then new years' happened, which sucked, and over the weekend, i totally struggled with having some leftover christmas goodies in the house. they're all gone now. and i feel much more in control again already

how did i do on my goals?

  • no bread – failed, big time, over new years'. new years' would be worth a whole post by itself, actually, if writing said post wouldn't be so damn depressing. so many things sucked about it (don't they always?), above all, however, my reaction to them. i was a ball of pure stress most of the night, and actually delusioned enough to believe that having my right hand firmly alternating between the bread basket and my mouth would improve the situation.
  • no booze – oh>, i so wanted to drink on new years'. instead, i guzzled down alcohol free radler (beer with lemonade), which tasted like radler, but didn't give me the relaxing effect of radler, which was very irritating; not having a hangover on january 1st though? priceless. and good grace, are people ever assholes when intoxicated.
  • enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling – fail, see above. it wasn't all bad, really, but pretty bad nonetheless. if still a lot better than at previous occasions.
  • ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up and make an appointment with the ortho;
  • come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them: kinda – got the goals, need to blog 'em.
  • get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals: appointment set for january 11.
  • maintain - kinda. what are normal weight fluctuations of skinny people?
nsv of the week:
lots of compliments from friends i hadn't seen in ages.

what will i do this week?

the kids are here, so meals might turn out to be different than usual. we already had mashed potatoes and (organic) fish fingers last night, ha. the whole thing has been fun, but stressful. life in our household so far has been reduced to management of sleep, food, poop and bodily cleanliness. which is normal, innit? on wednesday, we'll daytrip to switzerland, so i'll have to fix some good out-of-the-house-food for me. the kiddos leave on sunday. can't wait for normalcy, already.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

  • tuesday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
  • thursday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
  • saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)
weekly goals:

  • no bread;
  • no booze;
  • ice my knees twice every day;
  • blog about my 2010 goals; and
  • blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.


these used to be my skinny jeans.

i chucked them in the donation bin on saturday.

[mentioned here & pictured here. | very sorry about the fact that i did that whole 'leaning the other way'-pose to make this more obvious. silly me!]