now that i've lost weight...[#3]

i can not only cross my legs much more easily, but i can also wrap my foot around my ankle while doing so, eagle pose style. very weird, that.

[i discovered my new skill on thursday night, while supernervously drinking jägermeister with that aforementioned ex-boy after his gig. he didn't comment on my weight loss but told me a couple of times how "fantastic" i looked, and that he was majorly attracted to me, still and...yeah. that conversation was very good for my ego.

he's a smart guy, that one (even though his taste in shirts is questionable). told me (in that order, i think) that he wished that we lived closer (because we'd be together, obviously, haha), was absolutely ready to have kids and marry and had finally quit pot. and then we took turns apologising for stuff we'd done in the past, told us way too personal shit and at the end of it all, it was decided that we weren't 'done with each other' yet. we promised each other to call sometime soon, not to get killed in random car crashes in the next few years and hugged each other for too long. and then i went home.

back in my old life, he and i wouldn't have had that conversation, btw, because we would have already been in my flat, naked.

it was supremely weird. but, like i said, good for the ego. was tired, (emotionally) shaken and hungover all day yesterday, though. am heading to the gym now, for two hours of sweating and the sauna. i really need both.]


exhaling some more.

i really missed the gym. seven days without proper sweating were way too many. i feel so much better already!

that first appointment with trainer frank, jana's replacement, went really well. until today, i'd only known him from around the gym and attending two or three pump classes led my him. in our one on one session he really impressed me with his knowledge and skills. first thing he did was take out an anatomy books to show me where and why i was hurting, how the stuff i've been doing at the gym impacted those spots and how i could modify my workout plan to ease the pain and build up additional strength.

turns out that i don't have to change that much, really: i just have to significantly lower two upper body weight machines, stay away from the power plate, stay away from running and instead hop on the crosstrainer, modify one leg stretch i've been doing and add another. and that's that.

he was super encouraging, applauded me for my flexibility and endurance, asked about the weight loss and assured me that wiht proper exercising and proper rest, i'd soon be up and running again. he's got no doubt that i can run that 5,5k at the end of november. phew.

for now i'm back to doing the same stuff at each gym visit, but i don't care for now. it's all good. rowed for 15 minutes, did my three rounds on the weight circle, a few machines, half an hour on the crosstrainer and took a good long time to stretch. and i feel like a new me. awesome. on saturday, i'll also throw in 30 minutes on the hypoxi, a massage and the sauna. oh yes.

life: much better. oh yes.


the appointment at the fertility clinic this morning was pretty good, superlong wait aside. the first thing they did was write "NOT TTC" with a red sharpie on the first page of my brandnew file (phew). well done.

prof.pcos was inquistite but pretty neutral (if that makes sense). he did an ultrasound (that kinda looked like all of this) and ordered a bunch of tests, then took four vials of blood for a full hormone workup. i'll find out about the results in a week. and then we'll take it from there. good stuff. am significantly less stressed already. stuff is finally happening, yay!

in addition, that interview with ex-boy is done and published and he deemed it ok as well, and i'm happy that i don't have to listen to his voice via headphones anymore. and almost kinda somewhat looking forward to the show tomorrow. because a) i'll look so very awesome (25kg lighter and SO VERY UNATTAINABLE) and b) they'll play my two fave songs (got to request them, yes, really), and c) it'll feel oh so very good to ride home by myself after the show and climb into bed with my bf who's got his birthday on friday, too. got him a superawesome present, too.

so yeah. less stressed out. i was a ball of pure nervous energy this morning, pretty horrible. short workday today, too: got an appointment at my gym at 6pm. all good.


things that are stressing me out right now.

  • my knees are wonky and i can't run.
  • my physio is worried about whatever i am doing to my back. if that pain is still there tomorrow, he wants me to get myself checked out by my ortho asap. he also mentioned the words 'herniated' and 'disc' in the same breath.
  • a boy i was head over heels in love with in my previous life (and who dumped me three times or so) is coming to town with his band on thursday, and i still have to transcribe an interview i did with him, and i still love their music, too, but it's all making me effing miserable and nostalgic and sad, even the fact that i'm pretty sure he's most definitely expecting to spend the night with me (which i'm not going to, obviously, which kinda makes it worse).
  • i'm going to visit my parents in three weeks for the first time in 18 months, and i'm full of fear and stress about it already, because things have been oh-so-very weird with them lately. they specifically did not invite the bf to tag along, and i'm majorly creeped out by not being able to escape.
  • the darkness is getting to me. and the cold. and winter. why do i crave all that warm, sweet, hot crappy food?
  • i have an appointment at a freaking infertility clinic tomorrow, even though i am not trying to conceive. i really hope that super-special-pcos-doc (who's published papers on it and all) has some fabulous idea as to how to tune my body. i never thought i'd say this, really, but i miss having a cycle (cd 140 today, wee!), and i am creeped out by the changes i am already noticing on my body after nine months off the pill. (and geez, does all of this ever stir up issues.)
  • i'm stressed out by the in-betweenness of our living situation. i kinda miss my stuff and being fully at home somewhere. but that home is neither in my tiny appartment, nor here (yet). i wish we'd just move in together for real. after cleaning up this place, that is.
  • i'm so scared that i will wake up one morning and weigh 90kg again.
  • the fivehundred things i have to do at work, none of which i am really excited about.

oh groove, where art thou?

i'm not happy right now, people. well, generally, and compared to what i felt like for much of my twenties, i'm superduperawesomely happy, yes. but something's not quite right, rightthisverymoment: i guess i've lost my groove a little bit.

this past week, since the knee pain kicked in, i've eaten a wee bit too much (hello, cold weather and daylight savings, i hate you) and worked out too little.

it's no drama, that, i was a wee bit sick and all, and my knees are injured and life (well: work) happened. but i'm feeling the effects of it all, and i don't like it. on top of everything, while i was working at home this morning (got up at 6am to do so, haha!), my back suddenly cramped up quite terribly. the boyfriend made me call our physio when i couldn't stop whimpering (can't turn my head, can't lift my arm to lift my cup), and he'll see me after work tonight. so that great plan of going swimming tonight? kinda sorted itself out, duh, even though i've got all my stuff with me.

i want my routine back. i want to stick to my plans. and considering that i can't have my routine back, because i can't run, i need a new routine, obviously.

i'll figure out the fitness part of that with a new trainer at my gym tomorrow night. i want some definite, do-able plans for my usual gym-days. i'm really curious as to what he'll come up with. the food part, however, i got to figure out myself, obviously. it's not that i've eaten superterribly, just a bit much, really. also, i've taken leftovers to work for lunch the next day, and that had me running out of points a bit too quickly. just got to get a bit more diligent about my points again. do-able.

but still. all this: effing hard. especially when all you want is some ice for your knees, a cuppa tea with milk and sugar and some biccies, while firmly planted on your sofa with a blanket.

well. not going to happen. will spend the evening at my office, anyway.


oh, yes! oh, no!

it's indeed patellar tendinitis (thanks, dr. runnersworld, for the advance diagnosis). so i definitely won't be running that 10k in two weeks. quote from my doc this morning "if you stop running now, take it easy over the winter months, and slowly build your training up again, you'll be able to really enjoy your running again come spring."

for now: ice, massage, stretching, cross-training. maybe a patella strap in a few weeks, when i slowly start running again. and maybe, just maybe, that 5k in five.

still: fuck.

[just got myself an appointment with a new trainer at my gym for wednesday after work. need to figure out new stuff to do. i need a plan.]


that strange new me.

so. i haven't worked out this week. as in: the way i usually do. there was that big, awesome, lovely run last sunday (that wrecked my knees), a gym session on tuesday and a swim on thursday, but that was that. had a tiny little cold thing on friday and saturday, so i did nothing but drinking fresh oj (that i didn't write down points for, it was medicine!) and ginger tea.

and i feel a bit more crappy than i expected to, actually. and it's not because of that tiny little cold thing. i miss working out. quite terribly, actually. this morning, when the flat was cleaned up and today's cake prepared (baking frenzy, i tell you), and there was nothing left to do but head back to bed to read (superlong day because of daylight savings and all, plus the bf was away for the night for a wedding) i was thiiiiis close to putting on my running gear and trying a run. i didn't though. because my poor knees? they hurt when walking up stairs yesterday. and even if today's run would have been do-able, pain-wise, i am dead scared of hurting them more right now. had to mark three scheduled runs on the plan that is stuck to my fridge as not-run today, too. super-sad.

i have, however, already packed my gym bag to take to work tomorrow. because no matter what the ortho doc tells me tomorrow morning, there will be a gym work out tomorrow night. the intensity and kind of which is yet to be determined, obviously.

i am so happy that i love working out these days, that i positively long for it. it makes me feel so very good, inside and out. i just hope my knees start cooperating again. i'm willing to give them everything they want, really: new shoes, orthotics, quality time with physio chris. they can have it all, really. it's two weeks till that 10k that i've signed up (and paid for). and right now, i'm not expecting to be able to run it. boo.

but one step at a time: first: ortho visit. sadness or fear (if i should be allowed to run, that is) about that 10k: tomorrow. and working out. oh yes. :)

hey you. [#04]

and while we're at it: it's lovely that you've been baking again, lately. 'tis the season and all. and it's great that you've been baking half-portion cakes, but after the bf's birthday on friday, you'll give it a break again, ok? if delicious homemade apple cake or cheesecake or russian chocolate cheese cake is around, you will want to eat it. and cake's a special occassion treat. not an everyday food. or a weekend food.

hey you. [#03]

those too large jeans you've been wearing all weekend? put them away. as in: into the goodwill donation bin down the road. they're too large. way too large. you can't wear them out in public anymore. they might make you feel super skinny, yes, but in turn, they seem to make you eat more food than you need.


what i used to eat.

back in august, diane from fit to the finish wrote a post on how she managed to fit 3000 kcal into her day. that post - like so many of her posts - hit very close to home: i ate that much as well. sure, my thyroid went bust and slowed down my metabolism, but i got fat because i ate too much and moved too little.

so here's what would have been on my menu on a typical work-day in early 2008.

2 pretzels (7 pts.)
1 chocolate roll (4pts)
0,7l apple mango juice (6,5pts)

1 pretzel (3,5pts)
1 large cheese roll (9pts)
piece of cake (5,5pts)

afternoon snack
150g gummy smurfs (8,5pts)

coming home snack
1/2 pack of pringles (11,5pts)

rice (4pts)
creamy spinach (7pts)
fried veggie fingers (8pts)

1/2 pack of choco crossies (10,5pts)
soy pudding (2pts)

late night snack
package of roasted cashew nuts (14 pts)

total: 101 pts
at 90kg, i probably wouldn't have needed more than 26 points or so to maintain my weight. sure, it's an extreme day. but day like this, was, by no means, unusal. the weekends, especially with the ex, were just as crazy. tins of wasabi peanuts, outrageous mac'n'cheese with three types of cheese, endless breakfasts with omelettes and three bread rolls.

oh, and add at least 2 litres of diet coke to that. i firmly believe that (work stress, loneliness and general unhappiness aside) diet soda (coke zero, diet coke, pepsi max - i loved them all) had a lot to do with my overeating. it's one thing where i really disagree with the ww belief system, btw: their love for artifical sweetners. i hate that they use so much of it in their recipes, and that so many people in their crazy forums share insane sweetner loaden and basically nutrient-free recipes (fluffed up sweetener semolina pudding, anyone?) as if they were weight loss magic. these days? i avoid artifical sweetners like the plague.

these days, a typical workday menu looks like this:

carrots (until i am full) (0 pts)
low fat herb quark (3,5pts)

1 amaranth bar, covered with dark chocolate (2pts)

1 tub total yoghurt (1,5pts)
all bran (2,5pts)
1 teaspoon honey (0pts)
1 apple (0pts)

afternoon snack
1 apple (opts)
1 kiwi (0pts)

piece of baked, marinated salmon (4pts)
lentils (until i am full) (3pts)
broccoli (opts)
glass of wine (1pts)

2 pieces high quality choc (1,5pts)
espresso (0pts)

total: 19pts
i get 19 pts a day right now, while still being on the losing track.

other typical snacks are whole wheat rolls with vegemite (2 pts) or 4 rice crackers with 1 teaspoon almond butter (3pts). for dinner, the bf and i often have soups or stews from 101cookbooks, veggie pasta with tomato based sauces or risottos. when i eat by myself (happens at least once a week), i usually cook up some whole wheat pasta, a giant amount of broccoli and only add fresh ground pepper and parmesan.

comparing these two diets, it's pretty obvious: these days, i get much more protein, much more fibre, much more vitamins. not really surprising that i am a much happier me.

[disclaimer: ww programs & points calculation differ from country to county. round here, you get lots of fruits and veges at 0pts, and you can eat a variety of carbs (like pasta and potatoes) and proteins (certain fish, low fat quark, legumes, etc.) until you're full for a set number of points (carbs=4, protein=3). i try to include these so called 'fill-up-foods' into at least one meal a day; also very useful when eating out!]



so i went swimming last night. for the first time in forever, really. i prefer lakes and rivers and the ocean to clorinated pools, and when i head to the pool, it's mostly to the thermal spa & sauna, where there's more stewing in hot water (and dipping into ice-cold) than actual swimming.

but yeah: swimming.

first of: logistics. 't was all much less hassle than i had anticipated. packed my bag before work, everything fit nicely into my work bag. the pool is a two minute walk from the bf's shop, six minutes from work or so, which is kinda perfect, and i'd been planning on adding it to my routine this winter anyway, for after-work swims between the time i'm done with work and the bf's done with his. the cover there is 3,70 euro these days, pretty steep if you go there for a fast actual swimming. if you pay ten visits in advance it's 3,10 each. will do that from now on. triathlon-prep and all. and afterwards, it took me 15 minutes to get out of the pool, showered, dressed and out the door. all very doable.

secondly: i can still swim, yay! did 1,5k in about 45 minutes, couting down the laps (60, btw it's a tiny 25m pool). it was fun, but kinda stressful: the pool was packed. the super swimmers (who swam proper crawl, oh the envy!) were in two roped off lanes, and the slow rest swam all over the place in somewhat less order. had to dodge superslow swimmers several times, had faster swimmers swim into me and yaddayaddayadda. one more reason to learn crawl: swim with less hassle. there were lots of gals there who seemed to chat more than they swam and got into my (and everyon else's way). tried to remind myself not to get all judgemental about that: who knows, maybe they swam some fast lanes right before i came. and hey, there was a time when i headed to the pool with my friend tina and claimed that swimming a few lanes and then hanging out in the water for an hour, chatting, was a work out. i was fat back then, too. when i hopped out of the pool after my swim, gravity hit me like a ton of bricks, btw, and i only realised than that what i'd just done was actually a workout. had wobbly legs and a spinning head for a few minutes. duh!

thirdly: weight watchers only gave me two activity points for my 45 minuts of swimming, which equals about 20 minutes of running. boo.

and lastly: i did not lose my top. hooray. am waiting for my supercheap nike sports swimsuit (i love you, brands4friends). even though i am not really expecting it to fit. mailordering swimsuits=generally a very bad idea, even in size 36/b-cup. have to make an excursion to the sports-stuff shop anyway: definitely need goggles and a swimming cap and new running shoes. if i ever run again, that is. harhar.

the knees, btw, are not so good. even walking stairs hurts. the ortho appointment on monday can't come soon enough. no workout today (instead: couply time with the bf), pilates and some cardio tomorrow, and on sunday quite possibly nothing. sanity: preserved. for now, at least.


six weeks.

during my lunch break today (my first lunch break this week, crazy shit!), i had some soup at the bf's shop and then strolled through some cheapo trash stores, looking for nothing in particular (well actually, i'm kinda somewhat looking for a decent checked flannel shirt/dress, but well...), i was trying on sweaters, realising that i'm a size small now, pretty much everywhere. and standing in the dressing room at orsay, i looked at my ass in the mirror and realised that it's taken me all of six weeks to shrink out of my latest pair of jeans.

in other news: it's taken me eleven weeks to shrink out of my latest bras. i'm a b, tops. and for the first time in my life, i feel like i might actually need a push-up bra.

[all joking aside: the boob loss is pretty extreme, really. and i think it's partly to blame on my pcos/rising testosterone levels. will ask the fancy endocrinologist at the -omfgwhatamidoingthere- infertility clinic on wednesday. i miss my boobs.]


now what?

so yeah. shauny reminded me that i should take this seriously. so i've got an appointment with my ortho on monday morning. which is good and all. but: now what? i'm ITCHING to keep moving, to hit the gym. it's driven by both love and fear. love of working out. fear of losing my momentum, whatever that is, anyway.

in a perfect, knee-pain free world i would he doing this:

wed: rowing machine, weights, powerplate, 30 min (intense) treadmill run, stretching
fri: 60 minute run
sat: rowing machine, weights, stretching
sun: 30 minute run

now what? should i just ditch the running for now or ditch everything until in can ask my doc on monday? should i check with my physio?

i know i should listen to my body, and yaddayaddayadda, but that is pretty damn hard to do when your body told you for the better part of thirty years to eat entire boxes of choco crossies and tubes of pringles.

runnersworld, by the way (hello, dr. runnersworld! are you a colleague of dr.google?) tells me that my pain might point to patellar tendinitis, an "inflammation of one of the knee-joint tendons. tendinitis occurs when tissue breakdown outpaces regrowth, and is caused by increased mileage, hills (especially downhills), and pace."

can someone laugh now? with me? please? otherwise, i might just start to cry.

[increased mileage? check! hills? check! downhills? check! pace? check!]

"running through tendinitis will make it worse and prolong your recovery, says davis. but treated early, it can heal in a few weeks. here's how: cross-train, ice, wear a patella strap, take anti-inflammatories, stretch, and do exercises to strengthen the joint and quadriceps, such as leg extensions."

well. i KNOW i will not balloon to 90kg by sunday if i don't work out for the rest of the week. i KNOW i will not loose my fitness and health and all the other good things i've worked so hard for. but still! my RACE! and my SANITY!



....we have knee pain in the house! yay! totally not happy to see you!

now. that was quite the surprise. treadmilled my scheduled run at the gym tonight, and at minute 7 or 8, it was suddenly there. right knee, below the kneep cap. i kept on running, and it got somewhat better, but, woah, does that ever suck. wanted to ice it afterwards, but had neither ice nor my ice pack, haha! very smart. it's better now. but still kinda there.

two possible reasons:
a) this is just some payback-soreness for my way too fast, way too long, way too downhilly sunday run with the dog. which i did a day after my long run. stupid me. if so, it should be alright again soonish.
b) this is a sign of general overtraining. the past two weeks have been pretty intense: the 10k prep, even though it's not *that* crazy, really, has cut into my recovery days. is this payback now? could be.


life, happening. [#1]

this week? has been killing me so far. i am quite literally drowning in work, so much work, that i couldn't go to the gym last night because of working late, and had to work through my lunch breaks. i'm tired. the contents of my wardrobe at the boyfriends' place have somehow exploded all over the guestroom and there is a shitload of washing to fold as well. while sorting all that, i need to get rid off all of my fat clothes. i'm also starting to feel a bit out of sorts because of our in-between living situation (we're practically living together, but i still have my flat with all of my stuff, we're just never there, ever). i need to clean up that flat that i'm never at, so that i might want to be there every once in a while. and i need to clean up my desk at work. the muscles in my feet are still sore from sundays' mighty hill run. i've been hungry for the past three days, really, really hungry, and have been eating what seem to be giant portions, and that has to stop. and the icing on the cake? is me freaking out about an appointment tomorrow in a week with a new endocrinologist at a freaking infertility clinic (of all places! just the right spot for a gal who is not trying to conceive).



proof how ridiculously happy i am while running with the dog.

was s'posed to run 30 minutes: did 45. bad me!
but it was so! much! fun! to run with the dog, who also seemed to have a blast. we did a hilly loop of 6 or 7k that we usually walk, and it was all oh so very good.


138lb. 58lb lost. 2 to go.
good stuff, methinks.


runner's high.

i went for my weekly long run this morning. in the cold november october rain. it was 6°c. two weeks ago, it was 28°c; summer has directly turned into winter this year. oh autumn, where art thou?

dreaded heading out there this morning, but absolutely had to: i was actually due to run yesterday, but life happened, and instead of running in the morning, i sat at my docs' office, and instead of running after work, the boyfriend and i went out for a dance performance and sushi.

so i crawled out of bed at 7:30am (thankfully at the same time as my boyfried, who had to get up early as well to pick up the dog for the weekend, yay), put on my winter running clothes for rainy weather and went for a run in the rain. couldn't quite believe it myself.

the first ten minutes were a bit cold and odd, because i was still noticing the rain and thinking lots of 'i should be inside!!!!'-thoughts, but as soon as i hit the first incline that i run everytime, i didn't care anymore, and it was all good. ran a route i hadn't run before, through the posh hily neighbourhood next to ours, and got some nice views of the city and got to ogle some nice houses and think about properly moving in with the guy (which we've been talking about a lot, lately), and sang along to a few of my fave songs and felt free and awesome and happy. good stuff. i ran about 10k in an hour and did some speed work at the very end of it and then slowly jogged home, beaming.

i still don't quite get that running is so very easy, and awesome and fun. i love running now, absolutely love it. it makes me feel so strong and independent and happy. i don't know how this happened, because i hated running all my life, dreaded running in school, avoided it at all costs, failed at several walk-to-run-programs time and again. and six months ago? i wouldn't have dreamed of being able to run for an hour without stopping. but now i do. and i'm hungry for more. how crazy.

in any way: it's all good.

i'm absolutely rocking my runner's hight right now and i'll have a bit of breakfast now and then head to the gym. oh yes.


now that i've lost weight...[#2]

i wear knit mini-dresses. and heels.

[knit! mini! dresses!]



and in other news, i am totally spent.

had my last session with my trainer jana today. she's quit her job at the gym to follow her heart to - of course - australia. her guy's an aussie and she's heading out to wa now. am sad about losing my fab trainer (and not sure yet, who i'll pick as a replacement), happy for her for doing this. so odd to see someone fulfil a dream that i had myself for a bunch of years.

i hopped on the scale (another kg down, yay) and then we worked on some new, even more evil moves on the power plate, and then i did my regular day three workout: three rounds on the strength circuit, a couple of machines and my new power plate routine. also on today's schedule: 30 minutes on the treadmill as 10k prep. i don't know what exactly made me do it, but i chose a 30 minute nikeplus 10k-prep treadmill-workout that i had dumped on my ipod sometime last week. and that thing? killed me. in a rather delicous way, actually. because it made me - among other things - turn the incline of the treadmill to 4 and run at 12kmh for a minute. five times in a row, actually.

which i reckon is rather insane.

i got through the workout really well, though. it was hard, yes, but totally not-boring, a great, enjoyable challenge. i actually felt like i was doing something, a feeling that's been missing a wee bit from my real-world-runs, that have been all fun, and not that much work. afterwards, i literally crawled to the stretching area, where some guy was looking at me funny while i was groaningly stretching my tired muscles.

oh well. there are worse things in life. tomorrow: rest day, oh, sweet rest day.

how to make tofu yummy.

impossible is nothing: here's how to make tofu yummy. this is seriously the best tofu you've never eaten yet. and it's also super simple.

you'll need:

  • some good, plain, firm organic tofu
  • soy sauce
  • a ziplock bag
  • an oven
  • baking sheet & baking parchement
  • a few drops of olive oil

  • drain tofu and cut into slices that are about 1cm thick.
  • put tofu slices into ziplock bag and cover with soy sauce. marinate for however long you've got time.
  • pre-heat oven to 200°c.
  • put parchement on the baking sheet and drizzle with a little bit of olive oil
  • when the oven's ready, put tofu on the sheet.
  • bake every bit of life out of that tofu. it depends on how thick you've cut it, but about 25-30 minutes should do it; turn at least once.
  • and then: eat! however you want to: cut into cubes to throw into stir-frys, or currys or roll up in sushi or use anywhere, where you'd normally use fried tofu or chicken. just make sure to add the tofu last in order to keep it crispy. if a recipe at 101cookbooks calls for tofu-frying, i always subsititute with marinated and baked instead.

now that i've lost weight...[#1]

...i can buy clothes almost everywhere. and i really, really want to, as well.

[places that i've bought clothes in the last year and a half: at a flea market in montpellier. at h&m. at c&a (of all places, last got stuff from there more than twenty years ago, when my dad was still responsible for my outfits). at pretty much every super cheap high street trash-clothes shop: tally weijl, new yorker and yes, even pimkie. at american apparel. at a hippie shop with clothes from nepal. at frontlineshop. at esprit.]

[my first honest clothes buying trip to c&a as an adult today rewarded me with two pretty awesome knit dresses (my first ever!), a grey shirt, a yellow turtleneck jumper and gloves with stars on 'em. for 72 euros. total steal, methinks.]

denial & perfection.

there's one little thing has been bugging me in the weightloss/health/fitness/foodie-blogsphere, and it's something that pretty much all meal-pic-bloggers do, especially in relation to yummy and/or slightly indulgent food:
  • "i shared half of that..."
  • "i had a sip of wine..."
  • "i just had a taste of each..."
  • "i had half of a slice...and it was super-filling"
  • "i had a third of a waffle with..."
sure, it's just giving amounts of food consumed, but to me (and i am probably super-sensitive here) these supercommon sentences read like justifications. for stuff that - at least in my opinion - doesn't need to be justified.

i thought about this during yesterdays' run, and i guess i have a pretty good idea why exactly this is bothering me:
  • because i wonder whether these gals are really full after the little food they photograph (i would not be satisfied by about 75% of meals i see pics of - my portions are so much larger);
  • because some meal-pic-blogs seem oh-so-very perfect nutritionwise (hardly any meals on the run, no late-night-snacks, no cravings, no full-servings of anything, hardly ever any seconds), and my life? is far from perfect; and lastly
  • because i really don't want to believe that maintaining my weight loss will contain as much denial as these meals.
i enjoy reading all of the blogs on my blogroll, including the meal-pic-bloggers. otherwise, i would not read them, obviously. i get tons of great food and meal ideas, discover new ingredients, whatnot, but i'm wondering whether reading them is good for me in the long run.

right now, i am (for whatever reason) pretty sensitive when it comes to that perfection-stuff. i firmly believe that perfection is not possible. i actually make an effort to not strive for perfection. because wanting to attain perfection just doesn't work for me. if i set out to be perfect, i will inevitably fail. because life happens. pizzas happens. sometimes i will not make it to the gym for whatever reason. and i don't want to risk throwing my whole healthier lifestyle overboard just because i didn't do it perfectly. because that's what i did in the past. back when it didn't work, that weight-loss thing.

i want to do my best, yes, and eat healthily and work out. but i also want to have fun doing so. and have full servings. at least every once in a while.

[edited to add: not writing this to hate. not writing this to critise any one person in particular. just writing this to help me figure out where i am with my head, right now, trying to establish whatever will be my new normal. and i firmly believe this: whatever works you is awesome. and whatever works for me is awesome. it just doesn't have to be the same thing.]


the return of the hunger.

remember the hunger? he's back.

i'm hungryhungryhungry these days, once again. it's not as bad as it was in july, but a wee bit annoying nonetheless.

i suspect that both my spanking new 10k-prep-running schedule and recent stress at work are to blame. these past few work days, i haven't had a lunch break and hence ate most of my daytime meals at my desk, which (as we all know) makes for non-conscious (and less satisfying) meals, even if they are healthy. bad me.

i hit a total low-point yesterday afternoon, when a quick trip to pick up a much needed prescription at my gp on a very late lunch break turned into a one-hour-wait and a frustrating chat that had me close to tears. when i left his office, i was supersad, exhausted, hungry and just generally frustrated. it got even worse when two pharmacies i went to didn't stock the meds i needed. when i got back to the office, i visited my old foe, the downstairs bakery, and bought a huge honey-sesame-granola slice.

that was a fail, yes. at least a kinda yummy one.

apart from that, i've been eating pretty well though, and pretty close to points, only occasionally digging into my activity points (there are so many of them these days, too, ha). have been eating plenty of apples (so many to choose from right now!), which is a good thing, i reckon, and still mainly staying away from bread in all its variations. and the few times that i've chosen bread and it's evil pals, i've noticed again and again how non-filling it is.

already noticed what a difference my new breakfast (all bran, fage, apple) makes: it really fills me up and leaves me satisfied for a while. good stuff.

strategies to combat the hunger in the next few days (same old, same old):
  • keep eating apples;
  • make an effort to eat protein at every meal;
  • have workday meals away from the desk; and
  • have fewer bars (they're not that filling, after all).
totally do-able: been there, done that.

fitness fantasies.

shauna writes: "you know how people say, "well it's all very well for oprah with her personal chef and trainers and all!" blah blah blah. well let's just pretend we're in an alternate universe in which money and time are no object. in terms of fitness and healthy livin', anything is possible. anything at all. nothing is too ridiculous.

what would you do? who would you like to meet? where would you go? what would you purchase? what would you like to try?"

in my perfect fitness fantasy...
  • ...there'd be a bikram studio right down the road from the office, with a really good heating system and cheerfully strict teachers with really strong dialogue, and they'd offer a 7am class, so that i could go and do yoga before work;
  • ...it would be supereasy to check out of regular life for three months to complete bikram's teacher training, which would also not cost 11.000$;
  • ...i'd own a trek bike, and lance armstrong would train me twice a week and ride up mt. ventoux with me;
  • ...there'd be no reason to be scared during runs in the dark, hell, it would quite simply not get dark as early as it does right now;
  • ...the bakery right downstairs from my office would be replaced with a high-quality but super-cheap sushi-place;
  • ...physiotherapy would come free with health insurance by default, so i could enjoy an hour of chris' massage three times a week without having to head to the doc first and begging for a presciption;
  • ...my boobs would have survived my weight loss;
  • ...i could swim all kinds of strokes perfectly;
  • ...i'd have an endless supply of all bran (not available in germany! can you believe it?) alnavit apple cinnamon bars, alnatura amaranth bars, byodo rice crackers, organic apples and carrots, greek yoghurt and curd cheese;
  • ...the power plates and hypoxi treadmills at the gym would always be available;
  • ...i'd have a whole closet full of fitness clothes by lululemon and nike and a different pair of shoes for all my different activities, and my gear would pack up really small so that taking my gym bag to work would be less of a drag;
  • ...i'd also own a tiny little garmin-like device that could do everything and also had an integrated ipod;
  • ...(this will sound super-stalkery) i'd take about half of the ladies on my fitness blog roll on a one week fitness & fun-get away with all of our fave coaches;
  • ...there'd be a swimming cap that actually kept your hair dry and happy and beautiful during swimming and eliminated the need for washing and blowdrying afterwards;
  • ...i'd have my very own sauna, outdoor swimming pond and a lovely post-sauna lounge room with an open fire so that the guy and i could spend winter sundays hanging out naked at our very own sauna without being stared at;
  • ...i'd get weekly abhyanga (ayurvedic oil massage); and
  • ...i'd have a complete wardrobe makeover with scott schuman, galadarling and jane of sea of shoes. oh yes.

brekkie with bob.

fage + all bran + an apple = yum!

(and yeah, i bought a spongebob bowl for my office breakfasts today. 't was an impulse purchase while waiting at the checkout of the cheapo supermarket down the street. better a spongebob bowl than a bunch of chocolate bars, no?)


winter? i'm not sure yet that we'll get along.

it's here. winter, i mean. there'll be frost tonight. and me? i'm not ready.

it's not just that i was lying naked on a mediterranean beach just about two weeks ago. what's troubling me most right now is this: all my warm clothes? don't fit anymore. i'm on the verge of a major clothes crisis. which i know is ridiculous, and a great problem to have, and yaddayaddayadda. but oh! so! annoying nonetheless.

last years' warm coat? died this spring anyway, but would be way too giant to wear (esprit size xxl). all my other jackets (that i've been wearing these past few weeks) are way too big as well. so are all my warm jumpers.

this is the first colder day, i'm wearing boots, and jeans and a sweater from mango that i inherited from my friend s., and i'm hating it all. not the jeans, not the boots, not the sweater, but the look. the jeans plus sweater-look. this is what i wore when i was fat, what i wore all through uni. that i've had enough of. i don't want to wear variations of this for the next months to come.

summer was so much fun: i love all of my dresses and skirts and leggings and skimpy tops. but now? now what? all the stuff i did last winter - the skirts and thick jumpers and boots look - is not working for me sizewise anymore, either. i very obviously need to spend some quality time at h&m and figure this out, somehow. the goal: to buy lots of non-jeans, non-sweater-but-still-kinda-wintery clothes. and a coat or parka. and some boots.

it should be fun, i know. but right now? i'm kinda freezing.


stuff. [#1]

good stuff
  • my superenjoyable 40 minute (sixpointsomethingk) run today, which featured hills that had me walking for a bit there, geez (good prep for the 10k, i'm not sure i actually read that profile properly, but something about it kinda scares me)
  • that new fitness(blogging)podcast that lovely shauna and mizfit are doing: two fit chicks and a microphone: listend to both episodes and loved it; learned that i need to do less treadmilling and more weekend running, go listen to it!;
  • the ok dinner-choice i made on saturday night, when the guy and i went out with some friends;
  • discovering 0,2%-fage at my fave supermarket (that plonking sound you just heard? that was me jumping on the greek-yoghurt-bandwagon);
  • the first proper homey fall weekend with the guy: sleeping in, prepping our balcony for winter and hopping into the tub together; and
  • the super-delicious half-size apple pie i made today (and that the guy and i finished up together, oh yes we did).

not so good stuff
  • on my run on friday, running up the first mighty hill, i did something odd to that weak spot on my upper back/ribs, was in so much pain yesterday, that i took some painkillers, and slept with a hot water bottle this morn, absolutely have to call my pt first thing tomorrow morning; and
  • dear viral-infection that keeps returning? i hate you.


my first long run.

i did my first 10k-prep long run today. at 7am. and it was awesome. supersuperawesome, actually. 7am is about as dark as 8pm, but then -omfg!- it gets lighter. which is kinda amazing to run in, even on a drizzly, grey day like today. i loved it. listened to my new nike running tracks (drive and cassiusplay), and just spaced out for an hour. very lovely. all my fretting about it (i was so nervous beforehand, that i actually woke up at 5am, kinda ready to go) was totally not necessary, and even dressing for it was surprisingly easy, despite the kinda shitty weather. i wore my fave running tights and a cheapo running jacket i bought years ago but never wore - it's superlight but has got a kinda water resistant front, very nice.

my 60 minute superslow run translated into about 9k, which is pretty alright, i guess. totally underestimated though, yet again, how far one can actually run in an hour (even if that one is me), and had to run a few laps around the block near home to make up for the last ten minutes. i really don't want to plan my runs out to the last k (don't want to get stressed out if i choose a different road or whatnot), but at the same time i need to figure out some basic routes that are long enough, so that i'm not scrambling for distance halfway through my runs. well, well, i'll get there.

and lastly: i've actually signed up for the 10k. e. (the amazing running machine!) made me do it! :)


running in the dark.

so. that 10k on november 8? still haven't signed up for it.

but i've researched, typed and printed out a 5 week 10k-prep running plan and stuck it on our fridge. and i've actually completed the first run of said plan tonight. (a nice and slow 30 minute run, btw, just mapped it on mapmyrun, and it was 5.5k). so yeah. i'm trying to do that 10k. and kinda pretending that i'm not.

loved the run tonight, but was seriously irked by the fact that by 7:30, when i left the house, it was practically dark. i even put on reflective leg bands and attached a red taillight to one of 'em (watch out! road hazard!). the recent holidays totally deepened my denial of the seasonal change that is very obviously happening right now. but there's no denying: it's dark out a lot earlier than, say last week. which means that since i have a job that keeps me occupied five days a week at a time of the day when it's not yet dark, i will have to run in the dark. which is not my kind of fun, to be honest.

it's not that i'm exactly scared. just a tad bit uncomfy, maybe. but even that is a bit stupid: what exactly should happen to me, really? the neighbourhood i run in is nowhere near dangerous. it's a close-to-our-cutesy-european-downtown residential area. and busy. just kinda dark.

it was actually much better once i was actually out running (with the music in my headphones admittingly not as superloud as usual), and not just standing in our flat, staring out at the darkening sky. but still. for a minute there, i was thinking about riding my bike the three minutes to the gym and running on the treadmill. but that? is so freaking boring.

in any way, my 10k-prep weeks have got four runs. i'll do two of these at the gym, as part of my work outs (on the treadmill) and two in the real world. so i gotta get used to the dark, right? right.


missing bikram.

i actually skipped a goal on saturdays' post.

#4 - bikram yoga
i want to have a dedicated bikram yoga practice. and train to become a bikram yoga teacher, as soon as i've had a solid practice for at least 18 months.

why did i skip that one? because right now, i just don't see how that might be attainable. there is, quite simply, no bikram studio round here, and none in sight, either, even though this town with it's large population of aging 68'ers and students would be perfect for one.

until i get a regular studio practice (you can do it by yourself, but it's just not the same without the heat and the group energy), i can't do teachers' training (which i couldn't afford time nor money wise anyway). while doing yoga during our trip this past week, in the bright sunshine on the porch of e. & l.'s house, with red earth on my mat and bikram's dialogue in my ear, i realised just how much i miss moving that way.

it sounds so corny, but bikram yoga turned my life around. i went to my first class (in the town where my ex lived) at almost 90kg in march 2008, and that class? made me want to eat better, be skinnier, healthier.

i thought that i was dying during my first class. the second class had me longing for apples. and after my third class i wrote: "today, during my third class, i understood that bikram, the intensity, the heat, the sweat, is just what i need right now. 'you can't run away from your body', the instructor said, and she's right, obviously. i looked at and worked with my body today and it was incredibly hard and incredibly satisfying. and sweaty. i'll go again tomorrow." that, people? that makes me weep. i had no clue back then, just where i was headed on this journey. and how long and hard (and eventually satisfying) looking at and working with my body would be.

"never too late, never too old, never too bad, never too sick...to start from scratch and begin once again." that quote by bikram was on my very first 'ten days for ten euros'-membership card to my former studio. and that quote? is spot on. i was this close to giving up on myself, my body, my health. but i didn't. because the yoga showed me, that i could work my way to a clean slate again.

truth be told, i have no idea just how i got through class back then. i was so unfit. so heavy. but i did. i was also unhappy in so many ways back then, a tight ball of sadness that struggled mightily in camel pose. but bikram yoga? made me feel better. and showed me that i could feel better, if at first only for that hour or two directly after class, the post-bikram high.

i long for the hot floor, the studio, the teachers, the other people in class. i miss my fave spot in front row, right corner, under the heater. i was so sad when i went to what i knew was going to be my last class, just before i left the ex. i still get incredibly sad when i get the email newsletter from my former studio. i miss it so much.

bikram yoga feels so natural to me, as if my body was made to move and be challenged that way. during my solo practice last week, it was nice to realise that some poses are much easier now that i've lost some weight; like eagle - i can slide my legs much better these days.

i will not give up on this goal, though. i will try to incorporate bikram yoga into my life by doing one class a fortnight by myself at home (better than nothing, and a do-able time commitment) and going to real classes whenever i get the chance, mainly when travelling to berlin or hamburg. i'll try to fit in one longer berlin trip sometime this winter, and will go to class every day then (even though the berlin studio is nowhere near as good as my old one).

i'm sure one day the rest will fall into place somehow.


things that i love right now. [#1]


start: 89,3kg | 196lb | bmi 32
original ww goal: 65kg | 143lb | bmi 23
current: 64,5kg | 142lb | bmi 23
loss this week: -1,2kg | 2lb
loss: 24,8kg | 54lb

i never thought i could achieve this, ever, when i first typed that goal weight into the weight watchers website 523 days ago, in late april 2008. it was just an arbitrary weight, so much lower than anything i had ever weighed as an adult. a number so low it didn't seem do-able. my dream-number, really.

and now i've lost all this weight, 54lb (one large guinean barracuda, apparently). i am in a better physical and mental shape than ever before in my life. i can run 5k in 26:10 minutes. and i can wear size 38 dresses and need a size small at h&m. it boggles the mind.

i patted myself on the back for a few minutes after entering my current weight into the ww website and enjoying the goal weight-stars flashing.

and then changed my goal weight to 62kg. but that? is just fine-tuning.


and talking of goals: there's a 10k in a nearby town on november 8. actually, there's both a 5k and a 10k that day. and that 10k? is tempting me. evil little thing.

  • further than i've ever run
  • the prep will keep me motivated through october
  • nice location

  • further than i've ever run
  • are four weeks enough prep time?

i'll definitely run that day, unless there's a giant appointment clash that weekend. got to talk to the bf about it.

i'd actually wanted to save my first 10k-thing for spring, to keep myself motivated through fall and winter. but maybe i should just do it now and get it over with?


new frontiers.

i got on the scale this morning, and it showed 65,3kg. so i might hit my official weight watchers goal of 65kg at my official weigh-in tomorrow. and if not tomorrow, then probably next week. it's about time, no doubt. i've been at this weight for four weeks. over work stress, travels, my first 5k, holidays, i kinda slipped into maintain-mode this past month. even though i'm not there yet (wherever there is, anyway).

but yeah. that weight watchers goal. i am almost there. i will be there, soon. so it's time for some new goals.

goal #3 - weight:
i want my weight to eventually settle somwhere between 60 and 62kg.

i will keep counting points after hitting my official weight watchers goal and will regularly re-assess how i feel at whatever lower weight in that range. right now, at a little more than 65kg, i fit into size 38 and 36 and wear a size 30 jeans. a smaller jeans size and consistent 36s would be awesome, but anything drastically smaller could potentially suck, simply because of clothes availability.

goal #2 - triathlon:
on 27 june 2010, i want to participate in a local triathlon event.

that event consists of a 400m swim (in a natural lake), a 25k ride and a 4k run. while i always loved working out (when i got my ass up and going, that is), i've never been a particularly athletic person. so far. and a triathlon? is totally out of my league. but i have no doubt that i can do this. even though, right now, i don't even own a bike i could use. or a swimsuit that fits. or can actually swim proper crawl. all that will change. (and yes, i am majorly inspired to do this because of linda. obviously.)

goal #2, subgoal a: over the winter, i will find myself a swimming coach and learn to properly swim breaststroke and crawl. and i will swim once a week, after work.

goal #2, subgoal b: i will save money for and research suitable bikes over the winter and purchase one in spring of 2010. and i will then train with it. in some way that i don't yet know about. ha.

and well, then there is this one, the biggest one, that kinda depends on goal#2, subgoal b:

goal #1 - mont ventoux
in late september 2011, i will cycle up mont ventoux.

mont ventoux is one giant ass-kicking hill in provence, 1910m high, a legendary col of the tour de france. i've been wanting to ride up ever since i got into following the tour de france (thank you, lance armstrong!); i'm still not sure, why exactly i fell in love with that mountain, without ever having been there, but i did. the three times it was featured in the tour in the past decade, i watched the stages and marvelled at the eeriness of the landscape, the craziness of the ascent. i love ventoux. i just do.

during one of my failed getting-fit-attempts in 2001, i briefly entertained the thought of cycling up that mountain. "apart from needing a new bike, i need to loose a good amount of weight (15kgs or whatnot)", i wrote in a different blog back then. "there is no way i'll carry all what's on my hips at the moment up on that mountain (or all the mountain's that i'll do in preparation of it). no way at all. i guess it'll all sort itself out over the months as i get into work-out and training mode (and spend all of my free-time on a bike), but right now, it all looks like a mountain even higher than ventoux itself." well, i've crossed that mountain. there are no more excuses.

on wednesday, the boyfriend and i drove up mont ventoux. in a car. it was one of the things i really wanted to do during this holiday, and the boyfriend happily obliged, even though he had no idea what that mountain was all about. when we first saw it, driving out of carpentras, i couldn't believe my eyes, really. coming out of the plains, it looks completely surreal, looming above everything.

driving up from bedoin, i had tears in my eyes passing every single cyclist (wanting to cheer "allez! allez! allez!" for each and every one of 'em) and every time the bf reached for my hand. i smiled at every riders' name written on the road and told the bf a couple of glorious tour de france stories of ventoux. we also stopped at the memorial for tom simpson, the rider who died on the ascent during the 1967 tour. the drive up was unbelievably beautiful. and those last few k, above the treeline, were just about breathtaking.

how good that i've already seen it all. i won't be able to enjoy it that much during my ride up.

i will cycle up mont ventoux. and that will be hard. very very hard. training for this will be very very hard, too. i will have to ride a bike that i do not yet own (the cruiser i ride to and from work right now? it doesn't even have gears) up a shitload of hills round here. and geez, i hate hills. and the thought of riding up even one of 'em scares me shitless.

there are two paths to choose from on the south side of mont ventoux: from sault, it's 1210 m over 26 km (average gradient of 4,4%), from bedoin it's 1617 m over 21,8 km (average gradient of 7.43%). so the sault trip is longer, but easier, and hence the more popular. i talked to two dutch guys who had just taken that trip, and it took them just about two hours from sault. and two hours of full-on maximum exertion? are do-able. they might be horrible and nasty and painful, but they're just two hours (for me: more likely three), really.

i could have picked a harder goal, really. the 100k of millau take more than 8 hours. ironman more than 12. first time marathoners easily need four hours. compared to that, two hours on a bike are pretty survivable. and well, i don't have to ride 200k before that ascent, like the tdf pros. that's a plus.

oh, and up on that mountain, after riding up, i will eat a piece of castel cake made by patisserie martichon in carpentras. oh yes, i will.

the new plan.

i did day one of my brandnew work out schedule for the first time this morning. it consists of 15 minutes of warm up on the rowing machine (gasp!), three rounds in the new (grown up! crazy hard!) weight circle, a few extra weight machines and the usual stretching. and afterwards, just because, i spend half an hour on the vacuum treadmill and then cycled half an hour each to and from my friend e's house. and you know what? i'm kinda tired now. and my legs are a wee bit achy. which is all good and splendid.

i need (and will give myself) a full rest day tomorrow, even though i was all set on going for a run. thing is: i'm still not completely over my cold. i've been working out for the past three days in a row. it's enough for now. no point stressing about late novembers' race (yet), bur i need to make a proper workout and running schedule for the coming weeks. not sure yet, how i will ease into whatever kind of winter schedule i will keep. i'll find a way, for sure.

a different me.

i sometimes take photos with film. you know, like back in the old days. got some back from the shop just before i headed off on my holidays. hadn't changed the film in that camera in a while.

this is from a bike ride on april 10.

and this is me (please excuse the pre-holiday paleness) in those very same pants these days:

well, well.


post-holiday high.

these holidays of mine? rocked. seriously. i finally get why people love to go on holidays with their partners: because it's fun. i never knew! why did nobody TELL ME? it was so, so good to just spend some quality roadtripping time with the guy. i never doubted that we'd have a good time, but i never envisioned it could be this great, this lovely, this awesome. i actually cried about three times a day because i was so very very happy.

i mean, check this out:


everything turned out just the way we'd planned. just with an extra icing of awesomeness. we roadtripped, we hung out and read books, did a tiny amount of touristy things, swam in the local lake, drank a lot of wine and had dinner with our hosts (dinner that they had mainly grown themselves) every night. and then we roadtripped some more, spend a day on the beach and drove home via mount ventoux.

i did not count points during those eight days. "i ate so crappily", i told the guy on our drive home. "no, you didn't", he said. and he was right. sure, this could have been the 2009 southern france baked goods festival (pain au chocolat! croissants! baguette! my fave orange-soy cookies! every single day!), but apart from that, we had mainly locally grown veges and peaches that we picked from the tree ourselves. and almonds. and fish, once. and that was that. i was also sick during our trip, mightily sick, actually. very suddenly fell rather ill, one night, i ran a superhigh fever (no clue how high, we didn't have a thermometer); so high that i was actually talking funny and whatnot. felt a wee bit better during the days, but had two more feverish nights. still not completely well yet, and all, but much improved. was that the swine flu? who knows. before i got sick, i actually went for a whopper of an 8km run and did one bikram class. and then there was the swimming, too.

in any way, i didn't want to weigh myself upon my return, but then i just went for it, yesterday, and lo and behold, i have not gained any weight at all. i still weigh exactly 65,7kg. exactly, even. quite a shocker, that one. i never expected that, ever. so no harm was done by this holiday, and i am supermotivated now to kick those final kilos' respective asses.

had a session with my trainer jana today, and we made myself a new workout schedule that includes not only (gasp!) the rowing machine, but also some weird cross trainer, and a (new to me - and apparently super hard) weight circuit. i'll get to do three different kinds of workouts during my three weekly gym visits, before we change my routine around in six weeks. exciting! also had a cardio scan at the gym today, and rated 7 out of 10, which is well above average. go me!

in any way: the holidas are over, and i got to (and can't wait to!) get back to work. oh yes.