it's been going alright, yes. 75.5 on last weigh-in, a day early. then came a crazy party night with crazy party eating and some booze and two days of ever so slight going above points. but now all's well and i am firmly back on track and - according to a careless morning weigh-in today still at 75,5. or ,6 or whatever. totally okay. wearing that washed out grey denim skirt i bought back in 2003. it fits again pretty alright after being too tight at the beginning of the year. the light blue skirt i bought in march is too big, btw. wanted to wear it this morning, but it just looks awfully boxy right now.

it's all been a wee bit hectic these days. a water leak at the boyfriends soon-to-be-opened shop right after we got home from the party on sunday, a lot of work stress, a toothache for which i'm on antibiotics right now (yet again, how many days until the usual yeast infection joins in?). yawn. was super hungry last night, fell asleep right dinner and couldn't get up at 8 this morning. oh wel
i need to spend some time with the weightwatchers website again: i've been running out of points (aiming for -4 every day) superearly every day, just by eating carrots and curt, rice cakes and....some sorbet. no points left for dessert in the evening, which is so very sad. gotta check out some low point-no stress snack options.

anyway. all on track round here. well, well.


bites and pieces.

well, well. these past few days really can't be summed up nicely.

i've been losing weight and feeling pretty good. that's the easy part. the not so easy part? my weighing is a bit out of control. sunday morning, on my weigh-in-day, i kept going back on the scales in hopes of getting a lower reading. like: a dozen times. which kinda worked, too. i even saw a 75 in front of the comma at some point, but later recorded a higher weight. felt stupid when waiting for the scale to get ready, each and every time, but couldn't stop myself. duh.

the boyfriend is back, which is lovely. we've been talking about my weight and ww, too, which worked out alright. i s'pose it's going to be difficult for him (and me) to find the ideal balance between support and control. i don't want to get all psycho about what i eat, after all, no matter whether it's me preparing the meals or him. we'll see. so far, we've been eating out lots, which has been working out okay, even though i'd prefer us eating in. oh well.

in other news, i got pretty sick after eating candy floss at the fun fair: guess i had a major blood sugar drop afterwards. no fun. and (who knows, whether that might be related) also have yet another yeast infection. i don't know how many times this has happened in the past 8 months. i've seriously lost count. going to the doc tomorrow. ouch. i wish he gave me a glucose tolerance test to check out whether my metabolism is all weird.

duh. all.


back on the scale gang.

i've been weighing myself every morning. not sure whether that's sick or brilliant. thing is: i don't want to be upset about a lousy number on weigh-in day, when it's just because of some retained water or so. so yeah. this morning: 76,3. so this is going well, really well, actually.

still upset though. and feeling stupid, too. i'm starting to get my control high, and all. high because i look at numbers, both in weight watchers and on my scale. silly, silly, silly. i just checked what i weighed when i bought the dress that i'm wearing today. it was 83kg or so, early june last year.

anyway. the grande plan of spending the rest of the weekend in the buff, once the bf comes come tonight, collapsed into nothing. there's social crap with friends we apparently have to attend and people staying at his place. don't feel like it at all. we've had zero time together in weeks, and i'm just tired of sitting around talking while people get drunk or high. i need some lonetime with him, and urgently.

anyway. no whining. gotta clean up the flat now. and smile. and stay in control. ha. hell, i can already see myself walking down this path way too fast.



i saw my ob/gyn this morning. and he started talking about weight. my weight. he wants me to lose these 12kg that are my ww goal, too. he wants me at 65kg. at least. to even out my hormones.

afterwards, i sat at my desk in the office and cried. over my weight and my health (for the past six months, i've pretty much had constant yeast infections) and the fact he wrote 'ttc' on my chart, even though i am not. i've told my doc four or five times, that the bf and i are not ttc, and won't ever be, because he had a vasectomy a decade ago or so. it still made me cry. i'm not even sure why, i don't even wish i was, i can't imagine being a parent. maybe i wish it was an option at least.

i feel all weak and vulnerable today. and i want my bf back. he's coming home tomorrow night. can't wait.

i'm scared about talking to him about my weight. not scared, really, we'll be fine. just tired of it even before i've started. when i told him about what the doc wants from me, he was shocked, worried about still having some love handles to hold on to, some belly to smooch, ass to pat. i told my friend e. about my docs comment today, and she was all 'but you'll be superskinny then!'. maybe i will. i have no idea what my body could be like at that weight.

i also need to urgently start working out. come june 1st (and my new, higher pay, yay!), i'll get a gym membership. not sure what gym yet, there are two to choose from. guess i'll check them out the week after next.

in any way: tired, emotional, a wee bit sad. about so many things.


the mantra.

i lose weight when i track points.

weighing in two days late (no access to my scale), i just now got my first reward: -2,1kg in the first week. it's that easy. how did i ever forget or rather: not care? i weighed this much in mid-august and had lost another three (or maybe four) by mid-september. this is all not as dire as it felt last week.



so yeah. it's challenging, to be back on ww. right now, i'm aiming for -4points every day (i want and i need this to work quickly, after all), and i need to remember to plan a wee bit more. i'm mainly living off carrots, curd and rice crackers right now, with some broccoli pasta thrown in for dinner. i did this for weeks, no, months, the first time around, and that was alright, but i just need to eat more. because i'm hungry. fruit, specifically. and to be able to eat it, i need it to be around. so i need to buy it. ha. logic! it sure helps.

in any way, last night, after travelling and not too well planned eating during the day, i dug into regular crackers while having a beer with friends. at 1am. disaster, that thankfully could be accomodated in my points.

in other news (hey, let's talk poop!), i'm not very regular. despite eating 2 pounds (or whatever) of carrots a day, and of seriously cutting down my bread intake, my digestive system is all confused and not on time. hasn't been for a while, for some reason. another reason for more fruit and veges, i s'pose.

anyway. first weigh-in not on sunday, but monday, because i' travelling. have been on the scale twice this week, and that was encouraging. i'll see, yes.



so. yeah. i fell off the weigh loss bandwaggon, back when i threw my whole life around last fall. i started a new relationship, left my then-boyfriend, and settled into this new life of mine. with a superskinny instead of a fat lover. a skinny lover who has chocolate for breakfast. in bed.

so i gained weight. not just because of the chocolate. but also because i relaxed and exhaled. it wasn't that much, really, until i got off the pill in march. not to get pregnant, mind you (my new partner had a vasectomy years ago), but for health reasons. it feels good, the not taking the pill thing. apart from almost constant ovary pain. and weight gain. i stopped weighing myself in the fall, so i don't know what happened when but it feels like i gained three kilos or something within a month. in any way, after much whineing and shitty feeling, i stepped on the scale last sunday, observed the damage and logged into the ww website for the first time in months. so i've been logging points for three days, and i already feel better. much much better. in control.

still need to have a big weight talk with the boy, to get his support. a shitload of stuff is changing for him right now, too, so there hasn't been time yet. but i'll do it soon.

in any way, here i am again, my old goal of 65kg back in sight. i'll succeed. no doubt about it.

first bribe: a ghd straigthening iron as soon as i get to 70kg two weeks in a row.