bikram bliss.

i've been on holidays at the bfs place the past five days: sleeping, cooking and going to bikram class every day. and i feel so very very good. i've been meaning to write about class every day, but the bf scowls every time i get out the computer, so i didn't.

it's been challenging and fun, these first five days of my cutesy little ten day challenge so far. no soreness, just lots of improvement in my poses. nothing much happening in standing head to knee (even though i've been getting better at that lamppost-no-knee-feeling), but my cobra series, locust and floor bow have gotten much better (i finally "rise up"), in standing seperate knee standing pose i regularly get my forehead on the floor, i no longer freak out in camel (or at least tolerate the freakout well) and in standing bow, i can go higher and hold longer. i still get high afterwards, too. plus i've got bruises on my left hip (from floor bow) and right foot (from hero's pose).

and i feel skinny.

which is weirding me out, big time, because i am NOT skinny, just skinnier. i like my stomach again, and my thights have definitel lost wobble and gained definition. i've doubtlessly lost some weight this past week, even though the boyfriends scale (which is of the unrealiable kind) tells me i weight 76kg. which doesn't freak me out at all. my clothes are so very loose and i love looking at my battered, stretchmarked body. i take up less space now. and i love it.

it, the feeling. and the body, too.

my eating has been a bit warped though: not much during the day (because of yoga) and large dinners with the boy, mostly healthy though. we'll be buying pizza however, tonight. my first pizza in six months or something. how odd.

oh well. i'm happy right now. very very happy. i wish i could do bikram every single day. i will, next year, once i move here. can't wait.



i'm halfway there. no, closer even. this morning, the scale showed 76,1kg. i've lost 54,32% of my intended loss, as my awesome dietgirl spreadsheet tells me). the silly ticker at the bottom of this page is ever so slightly off center to the right.

i'm kinda impressed.

i know this weight. i've been here before, for years, even. i'm back to being me. if i had to, i could stay at this weight and be reasonably happy with it. but i am losing and will be losing further. and i'm a little bit shocked, and all. how can this be so easy? why did nobody effing tell me? 17 weeks of weight watchers, and poof, almost my entire weight gain of two years of slobbiness is gone. wow.

my fear of this loss being caused by the synthroid (a too high dose, obviously) was unfounded, by the way. had a blood check this past week, and my gp actually upped my dose further, to 100mg. i expect my metabolism to love this.

my gp was rather funny, btw. i thanked him for commenting on my weight gain when i saw him in the spring, and told him about joining weight watchers right away back then, and he kept saying "and i started you on synthroid", as if i hadn't been involved in this. but he was quite happy about the change and kept telling me that the change was very obvious. and my blood test results were all good as well. my cholesterol was decent and my other blood fats improved as well. happy days.

and all this comes after a gluttonous weekend at my boyfriends parents' house. i ate lemon cake. lots and lots and lots of lemon cake. not just, because it was good, but because i was all pmsy. and yet, there is this lovely loss of 1,5kg in a week. woah. i shouldn't be surprised that all my clothes fit differently now.

i'll buy some jeans soon. nice, tight jeans. yay.


look at me.

i've climbed over the brickwall: i'm over the weight hump that entertained me these past three weeks or so. back to losing. it feels great. i'm in the middle of 77kg now. close to my halfway goal.

the weirdest thing of all: i feel so frickin' skinny already (even though i am clearly not). which has made me buying clothes. like crazy. and kinda above my means for this month. not that many, truth be told, that hummel dress i bought a few weeks ago, two shirt dresses at h&m (in size 40/10! not sure whether wearing them with leggings makes me look like i forgot my pants...), some tops, some loungewear at tchibo (i'm cheap like that) and some things on etsy, including a shirt that had me at a loss as to what size i should get. next month, i'll need to buy some jeans, because they are all getting ridiculously loose and make me feel crappy. i can't get over all this change: a skirt i bought in early june and that hit right at my waist is now hanging on my hips. it's a great feeling. intoxicating, even.

what's odd though: no one has noticed it yet. or commented on it, rather, which feeds my illusion that maybe this isn't really happening. well, no one besides my mom has commented, who doesn't really count. are they worried about commenting (which would be nice, i guess), or do people who see me every day just not pick up on that hefty change? or maybe people just don't look that closely at other people's bodies to start with. or only notice sudden, dramatic change. but then: isn't this sudden? and dramatic?

oh well. it's all good the way it is. i'm noticing, that's the most important thing.


getting enraged about things not worth getting enraged about.

weight watchers lost my weight data. yeah, i'm to blame, in part at least. they cancelled my account after unsuccessfully trying to take money off my bank account and failing. i contacted customer service as soon as i noticed it had happened to avoid cancellation, yet they still cancelled it, four days after me being in touch. customer service told me to join with the similar name again, so i did, and all my other data, my whole freaking points diary, is still there, but my weight loss graph plus all the stupid stars? gone. and i can't add weights for a time frame "before i was a member". the site tells me my new 10% goal is 70,5kg. at which point i'll have lost close to 20kg. or 20% of my starting weight. assholes.

if they can't fix this, i will never get to see that "25kg" star i'm striving for. and bizzarely enough, i want that stupid star, even though i know that it doesn't really matter. i'm kinda angry right now. more angry than i should be.

i'm also still angry about my stupid scale. i've been stepping on and off for the hour that i've been awake, hoping for a lower number, yet i'm still stuck with most of that extra kilo the new batteries gave me. haha.


in non-enraged news, i had an awesome long weekend at the boyfriends place. with some going out, some sleeping in and a lot of bikram. i went to bikram class on saturday, completely collapsed, spend all day sunday at the bikram seminar getting my ass seriously kicked for eight hours of seminar and two hours of the hardest bikram class i've ever been to (and loving it) and had a fantastic class on monday, during which i even managed to stretch my leg in "stading head to knee" and didn't take any breaks. i don't think i've felt this at home in my body in ages.

i'll be at the boyfriends' place for nine days at the end of the month, a time when we wanted to holiday together, but when he now needs to work, so i'm planning on going to class every single day. my very own one third of a thirty day challenge or so.

in non rage, non bikram news, i bought an adorable weird sportsweary type dress at hummel. in size m. which is a little too tight ass wise, but size l was way too large chest wise. i'll shrink into it and wear it with leggings, which i would have done any way. no matter what the scale says when i step on it right now (after going to the loo one last time) for todays official weight-in.

[edited to add: after another bathroom trip (finally not constipated anymore, haha!) 78,3kg. same as at last weeks' weigh-in with the old batteries. so i lost that scale weight, even if nothing tells me i did. at least something. and what all that freaking obsession about the scale is all about is something i need to address some other time.]


dear ass, meet brickwall. brickwall, meet ass.

did you know that if you do not lose weight, weight watchers gives you a condescending little message. "it looks like you haven't lost weight this week, did you track your points?". it does this, even if all you've "gained" is 300 grams. weeh. great motivation, that.

it feels like i've hit a brick wall in this effort, nonetheless. with my ass. my ample ass.

first off, i bought new batteries for my scale. and guess what: i'm supposedly heaver today than i was yesterday. great. my paranoia about it was spot on. yesterday, i was 78,3. today i am 79kg. thank you, scale.

secondly, i have a feeling that now i've lost my hypothryrodism weight (who knows when my thyroid gave up, but i'd gladly blame the ten kilos in one year thing on it - my thyroid made me eat all these pringles!). in any way, i have a feeling that this will be harder, much harder from now on. now, that i am on to the real weight. the one i was before.

the past week was shit. first, i was on a team building trip for work that revolved around food, then i visited the parents with the boyfriend. grilling ensued at both occasions. it's a tough thing for vegetarians, pointswise; soy sausages are basically just fat and water (ten poins! like: half a pizza). i made a ww salad for dinner at my rents, and ate lass than i would have before, but way more than i should have. lots of bread. and ice cream. normal ice cream, not sorbet, and i almost fell back into my overeating habits.

since being back, i did okay. stayed within my allotted points and my food rut. maybe i need to mix this up, too, to encourage weight loss. who knows. still haven't started working out. my place is a mess, i am a mess and tired and exhausted in the evenings (because i don't work out, haha). i need to do this.

in any way, this weekend, i'm travelling to see the boy and will go to three bikram classes while i am there, including a full day workshop with a bikram master. that'll make me feel better.

can't wait for the work. and the post-bikram high. i need it.