i'd been feeling so great lately, smug even, about losing all this weight, just like that. a week and a half after wearing my skinny jeans for the first time in months, i can do every skinny-girl-in-training's fave trick: take them off without undoing the button and zipper.

and then i saw some photos someone took of me yesterday.

in one shot, i looked almost pregnant, my stomach pressing against the fabric of one of my fave asphalt coloured t-shirts, a shirt i'd registered in my head as almost too big. in another, i look stocky, dressed in a boxy black long sleeve and the too loose jeans. they are horrible, these pics. i hate that i look like this. that i still look fat. i'm not unpretty, but fat.

it's a total disconnect: anorexics look in the mirror and think they're fatter than they are. i look into the mirror and think that i am skinnier than i am.

i realised i still have such a long, long way to go with my weight loss, even if i'm almost halfweigh to goal, even if i weigh less than i have in 18 (?) months or so.

it's so odd. i think this disconnect stems from the fact that i ignored my weight for such a long time. for the past three months, i've been tracking my weight, when for ages before that, i never stepped on the scale, ever, for fear of what i'd see. i'm trying to reconstruct what i weighed when, to understand when and how i managed to gain all this weight, and why the hell i let it happen. how the hell did i get here?

it's sketchy, but i have some clues: i know that last august, i weighed about 84kg. from barely filled spreadsheets i created with every diet effort, i gather that the year before, in august 2006, i weighed 74kg. a year before that, after a year of extremely hard workouts and heartache, i was at my skinniest documented weight in recent years, hitting 69kg for a short little while in the fall of 2005. that's where i want to get back to. i liked my body back then.

but yeah, 14kg in three years, plus an extra five. 20kg. that is SO much weight. the possible culprits: my deskbound job, long hours, a complete lack of workouts, an overweight boyfriend, lots of emotional stress and the bakery downstairs from the office.

i still got the job, the long hours, the overweight boyfriend. the bakery is still there, but i've been avoiding it, and it's easy now. once you're out of the cheese roll and muffin-combo ever afternoon-habit, life is better. i have been working on reducing the emotional stress, telling people to get lost, but there have not been any (!) workouts yet. i got a turbojam dvd off ebay a few weeks ago after seeing the scarily awesome results that sundry mourning's linda got from it, but haven't done it once. haven't been to the gym in months, because it's too far from home and work and i am always exhausted after work. the only thing i've been up to is a couple of bikram classes when i'm at the boys', but that's it. but i absolutely need to start working out. otherwise, life will suck royally. because weight watchers now allots me a meagre 20 points, total. which is mean. and likely to drop further. so i need to workout to be able to eat more. and to feel better.

i know i feel so much better (and see results so quickly) when i work out. so why is it so hard to get myself moving?


in other news, i'm starting to get all paranoid. am i really losing weight? maybe it's just the battery in my scale dying slowly! maybe it's just my thyroid medication! maybe i don't need that medication to start with! maybe, maybe, maybe.

they're so very lame, these selfdoubts.

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