"normal".

so i went bra shopping yesterday. and despite all my blabber the other day, that i was totally alright with my newly smaller boobs, i stood in the department store changing room in a super awesomely fitting 75c(34c) bra, and was a bit freaked out. and - well - sad.

i'm normal now, boobwise. there is no more boob spillage, no more boob abundance. my upper body is lean and kinda muscly, and the boobs that are attached to it are totally and utterly normal size. maybe even a bit on the small side, actually. all that's a wee bit odd. because i was never normal, and my boobs were always larger than normal; often significantly larger than normal. just like the rest of me.

and now, i'm normal. whatever that is, anyway.

the results of monday's superawesome weigh-in at the gym felt really good. both my bmi and my body fat are within normal range now. and i really can't get over it: normal. i was never normal, ever. and now i am. how very very odd.

can't wait to spend a few hours trying on clothes at h&m. i have no idea where i am, clotheswise, especially pants wise, as pretty much all my regular clothes are too big now, even the size m's. oh yeah.

bye bye boobies.

my boobs have gone missing. for good, i assume.

at the end of april, on the day that the bf closed his shop, i bought a new bra. it was a strapless triumph one, and i got a proper consultation and measurement for it. it also scared me shitless. because the size of that contraption? 75e (34dd).

it's way to big now. way way way too big. the cups have folds on their undersides and all, and i have to close the band at it's tightest level. still wore it today. because it's the only (60 euro worth) strapless bra that i have. all my other, mostly 75d (34d) bras, are to big as well, including my two recently aquired, super awesome triaction sports bras. the latter are okay to wear, still, but all those regular bras are not.

i never got why women hated underwire bras. turns out i was quite simply always well padded enough to not be bothered by them. but that padding is gone now, and those underwires poke everywhere. it's especially evil between my boobs, where they rub and move on my sternum and hurt surprisingly bad. it's also freaking annoying and i was that bra tugging woman all day today. it's something that i hate, btw, that bra tugging. makes me feel very self-conscious and bra-challenged.

the loss of the boobs themselves, however, isn't impacting me that much. sure, it's a bummer that they're even less perky now, and kinda deflated, but those smaller boobs surely have surely improved my general silhouette and make me look a lot smaller than i used to be. i guess it helps that i got my nipples pierced, last winter - i've loved my boobs more than ever before, since then (nicer, more visible nipples, yay!). can't really pinpoint why, maybe because they've got so much more personality now. or something.

in any way, i'll be buying some new bras this week. one strapless one and one regular one, for now. who knows if those boob will continue to shrink? no idea, what size i'll need. maybe 70c?

[also: have no idea, what the rest of my body is like, either. i totally need to head out to the shops to try some things on. ordered a dress from frontline - where i still had some store credit after a dress i had ordered a few weeks ago turned out to be giant - and wasn't sure what size to get. chose an m. wondering whether it'll fit.]

woah!

reality check.

well. i just realised today that the munchies were not without effect on my eating after all: i went above points three times this week. once on tuesday (by effing NINE POINT FIVE) through pizza and sorbet with a friend (should have had pasta and no sorbet), on thursday with RICE CAKES (by two points) because the boyfriend got home so very late for dinner and i was starving and then yesterday with our killer 'as fast food as we get'-dinner of fish fingers and potatoes. by seven points. crazy.

so yeah. considering how much i've worked out (38 points worth), and the fact i've saved points on other days (total save this week, depending on what i eat for the rest of the day somwhere between 24 or 28) this isn't a real drama or anything. but i certainly let things slide a tiny little bit this week, foodwise and that HAS TO STOP, because the next weeks will quite likely not be as awesome, gym-wise, with all the upcoming travels and whatnot.

immediate goals for this coming week:

* no more whole wheat bread lunches
* eat at least one piece of fruit/vege as a snack
* wait at least an hour after brekkie before eating again (have been chucking down protein bars right after my carrots lately)

should be easy enough, shouldn't it?

the munchies.

two weeks ago, it was the hunger. now i'm struggling with the munchies. i have this bizarre urge to shove stuff into my mouth constantly right now. i am resisting quite well, actually, but running out of points by eating, well, not much. not sure, what's to blame - lack of protein? is that whole wheat bread i've been eating making me this ravenous? (maybe being pretty much breadless is better for me after all?) or maybe it's that perpetual state of pms that i am in, being on cd 40+ (or whatever)? (thanks for nothing pcos!)

whatever is to blame: i hate it. hate it. hate it. hate it.

things are alright, still, though. i'm holding up, following ww while being pretty much not-stressed about it and had two pretty much perfect work outs this week. i just need to add some more variety in my diet. and some more stuff that actually fills me up. i've been eating pretty high fiber this week, and that's messing with my weigh-ins - and despite the fiber, i'm pretty stopped up, yet again (but when i'm not, it's pretty impressive) and whatnot.

kinda expecting that there won't be a loss this coming sunday (not surprising, really, as last weeks number was a wee bit too dehydrated-low or whatnot, anyway).

oh well. i'll keep doing what i'm doing right. and improve on the things i've been doing not so right. because all in all? it's all pretty damn fine. munchies or not.

20 minutes.

i completed that week 5, day 3 run last night. and as i was doing it, i ran my fastest mile yet, as lance armstrong kindly informed me afterwards. it was awesome. hard, yes, but fun, even. and when robert ullrey told me i was done, i almost started to cry. seriously. what a great feeling.

and now i want more, more, more.

inspiration. [#3]

"at 29 i finally had enough. how did i "start"? i went out of my comfort zone. i stopped hiding in big baggy clothes. i embraced who i was at that moment. no more excuses. no more perfection needed. i am who i am and that’s good enough.

that mindset prepared me to learn how to eat. i approached weight watchers like a class, not a diet. i made a commitment to my blog. i decided the only way i would fail is by giving up and i wasn’t about to give up. i couldn’t give up, i can’t give up. this is my life and i need to make the best of it. for me that means staying conscious and honest with myself. no more sneaking food or finding excuses. no more going off plan. again, this is my life, everything is on plan. face it, count it, move on. no apologies necessary."

[roni's weigh: dieting my whole life]

i was 29 as well, when i'd had enough. and i totally agreewith her that the decision to be fit and healthy has nothing to do with dieting, and everything to do with life. this is my life, and i need to make the best of it. and it's more likely that i'll find my best self at the end of a long run or out exploring the world on my bike. and not at the bottom of an ice cream bucket.

i am a runner.

i am a runner now. and it boggles my mind. or maybe i am just pretending to be one? i don't know.

what i do know, though, is that i finished my second run of c25k week five today, and I LOVED IT. i ran faster than i thought that i could, and it was hard, at times, but i really, really loved it. compared to other types of exercise, this is easy and enjoyable and great. i still had energy to smile, believe it or not.

so yeah. i am a runner. crazy.

sick days.

i'm sick. stayed at home from work with a slight fever, a sore throat and a killer headache. after work yesterday, i was in a total daze, and even though i had my gym bag backed, headed home and went straight to bed. duh. shouldn't be surprised, really, these past weeks were so stressful that it was a question of when, not if i would collapse.

the day off has been nice. slept, read, did a few loads of washing. and now i'm getting ready to cook dinner.

thanks to whatever virus is plagueing me, the scale showed an unbelievable 68,6kg (body fat: 30,2%). not expecting this number for my weigh-in on sunday, i'm probably really dehydrated and all. oh well.

anyway. it's all going well, illness (and quite likely only 2 gym visits instead of 3) or not. for the first time in months, i put on the jeans that i bought at my skinniest, back in october: and they're a bit big. good stuff. and right now, i am wearing the see-through loveless-shirt i bought at roskilde last year, and never wore until now.

thing is: i am finally seeing these changes. even my stubby legs are starting to look better. there's definition in my back now, and my stomach is firm.

wow.

inspiration. [#2]

this is why you're fat always makes me long for fruit and veges. i fear it's a rhethorical question, but: do people really it that garbage?

suddenly skinny.

or so it seems.

i really don't know where those last few kilos went. they probably died a nice fiery death within my cells while i was running on the treadmill at the gym or riding my bike to work in the morning. or something.

it's pretty weird how well this is going, i keep expecting to hit a brickwall, but there doesn't seem to be one. i keep doing what i've been doing, counting points and working my ass off at the gym, and it keeps working. i am shrinking. notably. every day, almost. my clothes get looser every day, my stretchy workout pants are getting saggy asses and my boobs are no longer 75e (32dd) but closer to c's or so. which i don't mind at all.

a six is the first number on my scale these days, and this doesn't seem to be a fluke, it's been there for ten days or so, how very very odd. i've been trying to figure out when i last weighed this much, and apart from that brief flirt with below 70kgs in the fall of '05, i have no clue. probably sometime in high school or so.

on saturday, at the opening party, pretty much everyone commented on my weight, which is weird and awesome at the same time. weird, because it's such a weird, intimate issue, and awesome because i still can't really believe that this is real and really long for acknowledgement and support. some people, notably friend z. and r's kids, couldn't quite get their heads around the change. i told r's daughter, that this was thanks to weight watchers, which sparked a pretty nice conversation about the programme. turns out that she's done it before as well. good stuff.

i have so much fun doing this, it's almost frightening. i really really really love working out, every single time. i love the sweating and the crawling home and the running, oh, the running. i think the fact that this time around i actually don't work out at the gym for several hours every single day (and ate crappily and gave up after a few months), but go on three days instead and move a little (or a lot) in other ways every day, has something to do with it. i get rest, and on rest days, my body can actually recover and profit from my workouts and whatnot. i really believe that that's the key this time. another plus: i'm not so damn tired and bored by being at the gym as much.

and the running, yes! i bought a nikeplus, and dudes (and dudettes), i love it! lance armstrong congratulated me after my run yesterday, how awesome and odd. first week five run of c25k tomorrow, and week five is a killer. at it's end, i will be running 20 minutes at a time. TWENTY MINUTES! that is SO EFFING LONG! and i will do it, how awesome.

these days? i feel like i can do pretty much anything.

inspiration. [#1]

outside mag: fittest real athletes. [via]

the hunger.

i've been struggling a wee bit to stay within points these past days, for the first time in ages, really. shouldn't be surprised though: this week has been überstressful with the upcoming opening of the shop and all, i have been sleeping too little and not planning my meals well.

and then there's the hunger. oh, the hunger. i eat a giant serving of carrots and quark and a protein bar and 30 minutes later am hungry again. like: ravenously hungry. so yesterday, out of that terribly hunger, i had falafel for lunch, and today a breadroll with mozzarella and tomatoes. both helped for a wee while, but didn't feel too great, really; like reverting back to old habits.

i suspect that i need to eat significantly more protein, just to stay satisfied longer. and add more zero-point stuff, more fruit, more veges. and maybe more diverse flavours, just to make it more exciting.

next week, though.

this week, i just need to keep hanging on. and pat myself on the back. next week will be less stressful, oh yes.

[kinda exciting, nonetheless: 70,5 on the scale this morning. 69, here i come!]

40 lb.

i've lost one punching bag.

72 packs of butter.

i got an interesting picture from a german blog, where someone lost 4kg and then wonderend where the hell he'd hid those 16 packages of butter on his body.

i've got rid of 72 packages of butter, so far. and in all, i want to get rid of 100 (what a nice, even number that is). where in all the world did i hide all that butter on my body?

what a crazy thought.

i'll take a photo of that much butter (or maybe lard) at the supermarket sometime this week. i wonder whether i can carry it all. that's an additionally creepy realisation: i had to carry that extra weight at all times. how could i put my body through this? how could i let it suffer under all that fat?

i get a kick out of how my body is starting to feel: all firm and full of energy. i am dead sure, simply because i've been seeing results so quickly, that this is what my body wants and needs. this being looked after, fed carefully, moved regularly and intensely.

oh, it's all so very very good.

70,8kg

i saw this number on the scale this morning. don't quite believe it (yet), but it was nice nonetheless.

that is all.