letting go of the greed.

a large part (no pun intended, ha) of my weight problem was caused by greed.

looking back on it, that greed - in all it's glory - is extremely ridiculous and embarrassing. i ate in secret, where no one could take my food away (much like diane - her posts on this really hit close to home). i always made sure i had a portion that was as big as (or bigger than) my partners' and had more of the stuff that i liked the best, like cheese crust on a lasagna. at my parents' house i made sure to re-buy the stuff that i had finished (like a 12 pack of ice cream sticks in a weekend) so that they wouldn't notice. i also got ridiculously upset when someone ate food that i had bought for myself. and at the office, after everyone had left, i would polish off whatever leftover sweets could be found in the kitchen. at the supermarket, i'd buy two cans of wasabi nuts and finish off one while cooking before the bf came home and hide it in the trash.

it was all rather ugly.

it's surprisingly hard let go of all that. these old habits die hard. or maybe not at all.

right now, for example, i'm at the office by myself. everyone has left for the day. and there's a full plate of cookies in the office kitchen. "no one would notice if i had some." was the first thought in my head when i saw them a little while ago, when i went into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. "it's been such a long day, you deserve a treat."

hello old habits.

you know: i know that these cookies aren't even yummy. i bought them for an interviewee who was here yesterday. they are factory cookies, made from cheap ingredients. they were cheap andthey've been on that plate since yesterday and are most likely kinda soggy. there are a zillion things that are better treats than these cookies. and anyway: instead of lunch, i had apple cake today.

that voice in my head? my voice in my head? needs to shut up. i might need a treat, i might deserve it, even, but those cookies aren't what i need, and they will not make me feel better.

i'm not safe yet. i might not be almost 90kg anymore, but my brain still works the same way it did back then. the closeted eating is over, but my brain still gives me the impulses it gave me back in the day. i'm still learning to let go of my greed. when "i deserve this." is the first thought in my head upon seeing free food, i need to consciously tell myself "yup, you do, but you deserve to be healthy and skinny as well."

i need to, no, i am letting go of fat-me and all the habits that got me fat, including eating in secret and always fixing myself the bigger portions and having the leftovers standing at the kitchen counter.

i deserve a life without that ugly greed.

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