harder, better, faster, stronger.

i just barely maintained, this past (birthday and party-filled) week, and am trying really hard to a) find this normal and totally okay and b) make sure it doesn't happen again this week by stepping it up a notch. while not going insane. it's quite the challenge.

it's all pretty splendid, right now, but i am at a rather dangerous point in this journey: i love myself now. already. i think i am so dead hot, so sexy, getting firmer and stronger and skinnier every day. at 72kg. bmiwise still in overweight-land.

but clothes fit, and they fit well. i bought two dresses at the flea market on saturday, kinda thinking they could be goal dresses, and instead they both fit perfectly. one is a (vanity) size six. and yesterday, i bought a dress i'd been ogling since april. i'd tried it on, once, and it was too small in an l (or xl, maybe?). and now i got it in an m. and at 50% off. and it looks awesome.

i could totally be this weight for the rest of my life, and be happy and content. albeit, i don't want to. i want to be harder, better, faster, stronger. fitter. i want to take up less space, be lighter, a runner. me. just new and improved, by my very own hard work.

this (small, awesome success) really is should not be enough: if it's so great to buy clothes now, how awesome and easy will it be at minus 7 kg? if it feels so light and easy to run week three of couch to 5k, how awesome will it be to feel lighter and stronger when i run my real 5k on september 13? (i've totally signed up, oh yes.).

i love myself, and life, and everything.

last night, i struggled to go to the gym for the second time ever. the muscles beneath my shoulder blade had majorly cramped up (again), i was tired and hungry and whiny. but i went. and did the weights circle, and the power plate, and then i ran my podcast and all but two of my machines. and then i did a back strenghtening class, just because. and felt better. so much better.

my back, unfortunately, isn't much better yet. could hardly sleep last night. date with the physio is booked for this arvo. can't wait.

17kg.

i'm finally below where i ended, last fall, when i stopped following ww. i weighed in at 72,3kg this morning. 17kg lost. how very very awesome.

last night, however, wasn't so awesome. a colleague and i covered an event for work, and on our table was a large bowl with fish cracker, 2 baguette breads and licorice. and i totally could. not. stop. i shouldn't have started. seriously. didn't drink the beer though that i had opened to go along with all the bread crap. i hated it, as it happened, but totally could not stop.

it was a stressful event and all, so that mishap shouldn't be too shocking and all, but it sucked nonetheless. i didn't even enjoy the crap i was eating, i just ate it, because it was there. it was't that much, eventually, two handful of crackers, two pieces of bread, some licorice. i went above points by one, which was totally alright (i had 27 activity points saved this week anyway), so it didn't matter. but it sucked anyway. it was an activity fueled by selfhate, which is so ridiculous, because i love myself, and want to feel good and want to eat great tasting and healthy things and be happy and healthy.

oh well. no point in beating myself up over this anymore. it's done, and past, and didn't cause any harm, as far as i can tell. and this was bread, and some crackers, not several chocolate bars or pizzas or anything. i was stressed, and i've known for years that i tend to eat crappily when stressed (that got me to almost 90kg), so i need to work on two things: less stress, and better food around when i am stressed. and that's a challenge for every single day.

i hereby forgive myself for that carb crap last night and pat myself on the back for that 17kg loss, for finally being back on track with losing.

well done, woman. you can totally do this.

p.s. did go to the gym yesterday arvo, did a medium programme. loved it. very happy that i made myself go.

four years ago.

july 2005
i was just looking through my old weight logs to check out when i last weighed exactly what i weighed this morning, 72,2kg, and what i looked like back then. it was on july 21 2005, and believe it or not, that day i also took the above photo in a crappy hotel room in lyon. wow. what arms! those were mine! crazy.

so odd, that the same weight can look so different on the very same person. and it just goes to show that 'weight' is a pretty useless measurement, when taken by itself. you can be fatskinny and all, and while i'm at the very same weight, i am sure my body fat percentage is much higher that it was back then. and i am, quite simply, nowhere near as fit. yet.

back then, i worked out like crazy - two or three hours every day - but only barely controlled my eating. i ate low fat, yes, but lots of sweets and struggled with portion control. i was awesomely fit though (as evidenced by that shot - i also have a photo of my david kirsch trained rock hard abs, weeh!) by that fall, i'd lose another two or three kilos, to briefly flirt with 69kg for a while. that looked like this:

september 2005
good stuff. these pants should totally fit again, btw. i wore them for a few times last fall, when i briefly had 73kg. anyway. so yeah.
kinda struggling right now on whether i should go to the gym again this arvo, even though i was super busy there just last night. maybe just a short round? i know for a fact that i'll only get to work out on monday, friday and saturday next week, and was only at the gym twice this week so far, so... i should go, right? yes, i should.

in motion.

so i've been working out a lot, and haven't even written about it.

my routine right now:

• 5 minutes warm up on the crosstrainer
• 2 rounds milon circle
• 15 minutes power plate
• a variety of weight machines
• 30 minute episode of couch to 5k podcast
• 30 minutes hypoxi treadmill
• stretching
• 15 minute water bed massage

that takes about 2 hours and 45 minutes. my personal trainer jana also made me plans for 1 hour and 90 minute workouts, but so far, i've always done the big ones. the boyfriend was out of town this week, and the week before that, he's been superbusy with his new shop and all, so i've had lots of free time to work out. that will - doubtlessly - change, and i need to accept that and realise that any workout is good and worthwhile, and that i don't need to do everything everytime i get to the gym (even though the hefty price tag makes me want to do just that). i'll give it a try tomorrow. maybe.

the couch to 5k is pretty cool, just finished the week 2 episode for the second time. it made me realise that i never got to week 2 before. ha. (i did a different starting-to-run programme, where i got to week five or so back in late 2005, can't remember). today, i started looking for 5ks to actually run this fall, and there's a local one on september 13 (my anniversary with the boy!), that i might actually sign up for. no: i will sign up for it. next week. no kidding.

me, in a road race? what a weird, intoxicating, awesome thought.

where i am at.

june 11 2009

last weekend, one week into working out again. hello, treetrunk legs!

before.

i lost 16kg at my first go-round with ww and all was splendid. and then i fell in love with mr.superskinny, who has chocolate in bed for breakfast.

these are my 'before restart-shots'. and damn, they are motivating, too.

april 19 2009

at around 79kg. the skirt is a size 40/10 from h&m, that i bought in september, at 74kg or so. which was - of course - too tight and uncomfy. check out those folds and creases on the skirt.

april 25 2009

this photo horrified me, when i saw it for the first time. what the eff is wrong with my arms? creepy. coupled with the fact that the girl on whose lap i'm sitting had just lost 20kg or so (and has since lost a lot more), this was one of the reasons i restarted weight watchers. the top is from american apparel size s. underneath, i'm wearing a size 75e bra.

and in other news...

today, i'm wearing an american apparel henley dress, that i bought as a long shirt to wear over jeans back in mach 2007 (and practically never wore) . and i am wearing it as a dress. with leggings.

(and it's a bit too roomy, actually.)

before - before.

so here are some of the befores i've been looking at these days. from back before i started last year.

april 2008almost at my heaviest, at the upper end of the 80's, about four weeks before i started weight watchers at 89,3kg. that dress is from mexx and a size 44/14. the above photo is way too flattering, actually. it was rather tight.

i had also grown an extra chin. the photo below? one of my worst, ever.

november 2007

believe it or not, that night i had sex with a rockstar. even though my belly was hanging out of my jeans! (can't figure out from these pics, what jeans these are, btw, weird.) blessed be booze! and my bursting-out-of-my-bra-boobs!

so glad my friend l. took these photos. i hate them so much, and would have deleted them immediately, if they had been on my camera.

august 2007

this was at a bbq-party from work. the hoodie is a size m from the gap. and actually long. couldn't wear it over my hips, though. and again, i just don't remember those jeans. not a loss, really.

67kg.

one more thing that's motivating me: i want to look good for and with the boyfriend. he loves me no matter what (seriously!) but he's so very skinny and i don't want us to be known as "that skinny guy with the chubby girl friend". and i'd really like to weigh less than he does. which is all of 67kg. (have i mentioned yet that he's got 7% body fat? yeah. skinny.)

lightbulb moments.

i've realised something very weird sometime these past days, and it was a total lightbulb moment: i am not dieting and working out in order to be a specific way on a specific day or to achieve a specific goal (look hot on day xy, make soandso love me) - i am doing this for life. this change is forever. i want to be fit and healthy and active for the rest of my life.

seriously - i hadn't fully realised this, how weird. this is my life now. this is what it will be like forever. chocolate and pizza will always be treats. for the rest of my life. and that's okay. this is not a change for a few weeks or months, this is forever. veges and fruit are my prime source of energy. i will be spending my free time on the treadmill and at the gym or running or cycling or doing a sport that i don't even know about yet. i will be washing triumph sports bras with every load of washing that i do. buy more running shoes. be able to buy clothes because they look awesome, not because they are the only thing i could get that fits.

at work today, i looked at some photos from last year, and i realised something else (another lightbulb moment, yay!): at 90kg? i was fat.

i'm not anymore. i'm not skinny yet, but i am not fat anymore. i look so much better and i feel so much better. the change in how i feel in the past two weeks, since joining the new gym, has been incredible. i love what my body looks like now, i love what it feels like now, that there are muscles in my legs that are firm and that my belly's got structure (at least a tiny little bit). it's so odd that i'm seeing so much change so quickly, it's like my body has been longing for this and is so happy about all the activity that he's complying so willingly. or maybe i am imagining things.

got two more compliments today: colleague c., who hasn't seen me in at least six months, asked me, whether i had lost weight. and t., who's the boss of my friend m., didn't recognize me. that's pretty awesome, i reckon.

i'm so curious about what i can (and will) achieve, fitness and weightwise; so curious as to what i will look like, in this new life of mine. (which is a weird notion, because i am already in the middle of it and all, and looking good, but still.) what will my body look like? can i ever get legs, that are all muscly and strong, without fat knees? can i get defined arms and a strong, firm belly? i guess i can. i'll most certainly give it a try. my best try, too.

it's all good. and so very easy. weeh!

ogtt.

i finally had my glucose tolerance test today. after months of hoping my doc would order it. the test itself was alright - two hours of sitting around at the docs office, but the aftermath was evil. i was on a blood sugar rollercoaster for much of the arvo, no matter what i ate. i had totally underestimated how hard this was on my body. i honestly can barely remember how i made my way from the docs office to my office, it was all foggy.

anyway. went to the gym after work (where i finished kinda early, too) nonetheless, and that made me feel better (couldn't go to the gym yesterday because of the test). all's good again.

35lb.

i've lost one large fish.

have you.....?

yesterday, my colleague b. (who's got some weight troubles of his own) looked at me and then gestured at the side of his face to indicate less hamster-like cheeks and asked me whether i had lost weight. i said yes.

first remark, on this weight-loss round.

i had my power plate and low-pressure-cardio instruction yesterday; the power plate ist a killer (that i will love), the low-pressure-thing feels so odd, but so good. can't wait to finally do my full workout. my personal trainer jana made me three kinds of schedules so that i can get a full workout now matter how much (or little) time i have. awesome. but today: rest. shouldn't forget about rest! :)

[stepped on the scale this morning, just because, and it showed 73,8. weeh.]

progress.

i'm at 74,2kg now (or was on sunday, at least). and i'm back in the gym. joined a new gym exactly a week ago, a just opened, pretty expensive one, that i'll love to go to though. super awesome service, lots of classes, nice equipement, lots of tech (vacuum training, power plate). it's so odd, my body is already remembering what it was like to be fit and active. have taken two pump classes so far, and ye olde body loved it.

so that's all good. eating has been kinda okay as well, lots of fruit (strawberries, yay) and veges with the odd proteinbar thrown in. i just get so very hungry and cranky at times that it's hard to focus and then make smart choices. had pizza on sunday night, too, when the bf and i got home after a nightout (where we had expected food, but got none), too tired to cook ourselves. made up for those points by working out yesterday. also got a majorly unhappy tummy these days, i'm either constipated or bloated or have bms in a row (three, no four this morning). my tummy is achy almost every night after dinner, too (am i overeating on the pasta?). no matter how many post-dinner teas i drink or no-bloat prebiotic yoghurts/curds i have. duh.

the worst thing about my bod though is the continuing girly trouble. i suspect that i have yet another yeast infection, and then there are the still kinda inonclusive results of this months hormone check (more results later today, i'm supersupernervous). i am dead sure it's pcos. and so hope he'll finally give me a glucose tolerance test. anyway.

i am starting to see that i've lost weight again. my face looks slimmer, my clothes fit better. last night, in bed, the bf told me that he "could see my ribs". better get used to the view, boy. :)