credit, where credit is due. [#1]

i ended up working longer than expected today, and while waiting for the tram to take me to the gym (and then home), a tiny voice turned up in my head 'you'll be home so late tonight if you go to the gym right now, you totally deserve to go home asap. and you deserve a snack. pretzels, maybe.' yet before that crappy self-talk could turn into crappy action, i reminded myself that i had NO CHOICE about going to the gym, and the tram turned up and i read a few pages in the beck book (it really is like the big book for former fatties, innit?) and before i knew it, i was in the gym changing rooms, putting on my gym shoes.

and then i chugged out more metres than ever before on the rowing machine. and then i pushed myself really hard doing weights. and then i pushed myself on the arc trainer. and then i crawled to the stretching area, stretched for a good, long while. and then i crawled into the shower and into my clothes and then home. where the guy was cooking dinner for me. and i felt glorious. much better than if i had given in earlier tonight.

well done, me. well done.

now that i've lost weight. [#8]

i have to mention bones once more: these new bony bits? they are weird.

i mean, they are nice and all, and they look good (at least to my eyes). and yet. they hurt. a bit. a tiny tiny bit. the guy (the superskinny one) keeps assuring me that everything i've been complaining about (bruises from bumping into things, belts sitting uncomfortably on hip bones, the fact that one of my shoulder bags, which has really thin straps, is not very comfy to wear because of annoying bone rubbing, ad nauseam) is perfectly normal. but well: DUH! . no one ever told me that skinny people feel their bones this much, and that some extra padding can actually be useful at times.

but don't get me wrong: i do not miss the padding qualities of the 27kg/60lb i've lost so far, not one bit. but just to quench any sort of fat nostalgia, here are a few random uncomfy things i don't have to deal with anymore:

• no more chub rub between my thighs!
• no more chub rub under my arms!
• jeans are suddenly comfy and don't hurt my sides!
• the rubber bands of socks don't leave uncomfy dents!

goals for the week. [#8]

my weight on sunday morning:

it's been really interesting to weigh myself every day. i never realised how much my weight fluctuates! it's been as high as 63,3 kg (morning after a carb heavy meal) and as low as 61,9 kg (morning after carb-free night, hypoxi workout). never thought i'd say that, but starting to weigh myself daily might have been the sanest thing, ever, in this whole weightlossjourneything, because it has totally taken all pressure of my weigh-ins. (need to elaborate on that in a seperate blog post.)

how was my week?

pretty damn fine, really: diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned (and really pushed through some negative self-talk when i didn't feel like it at first on wednesday night), weighed myself every day. everything went pretty smoothly, really. the one kinda stupid thing i did this week though was once again overeating on healthy stuff: made myself a proper, yummy dinner, but just didn't stop when i was full. the yellow lentils were just too yummy (and i'd had a majorly stressful day at work). i'm still paying for that with a seriously unhappy digestive track. to prevent this from happening again, i will cook less lentils in the future. and really work on learning how to stop when i'm full. i also haven't followed up on my ortho visit; really need to schedule my physio appointments soon and get myself new shoes and those insoles.

haven't felt that great this weekend: fell asleep on my way into town saturday night and felt so crappily, that the guy and i cancelled our going out plans and went back home. i fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm and was totally out of it. today's been better, but i've been struggling with a major headache all day. let's see what that is - there are lots of crappy bugs going around right now (aren't they always?). i hope it's nothing.

in general, i've been terribly busy: work was really stressful this past week, and at the end of the day, i was really out of it. neither had the time nor energy to do stuff, blog or read the beck book, as planned. just wasn't my week in that regard, and i actually don't see that changing for at least three more weeks. which is when we'll have houseguests for two weeks straight. oh well.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yup! getting easier and easier, that one;
  
• no booze - yup! still easy;
  
• ice my knees twice every day - did kinda ok on that one, managed one ice session every evening; have been getting up so early, that the morning one was too much of a struggle, really; i'll keep aiming for two though;
  
• start actually working through the beck diet - didn't manage that one, and i'm starting to wonder whether i'll have to postpone that for a little while. this coming week. i will start reading the book on my way to work, complete the flash cards and take it from there;
  
• get an appointment with thomas - done, seeing him tuesday night;
  
• get appointments for physio - still have to do that;
  
• blog about my 2010 goals - dito;
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.
  

nsv of the week:

for our sunday walk with the dog today, we chose a route that we hadn't taken since december '08. back then, it was a horrible experience for me. i felt like shit, trying to get up a certain ascend. huffing and puffing my way up there back then i said "it's my goal of '09 to get fit again." and i did it. and today master that same ascend barely being out of breath. which very much rocks. because that's what it's all about, in the end, this weight loss, this fitness stuff: being better at doing stuff in the real world.

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on, really. and try to eat more of my weekly allowance points, i've been having trouble digging into these, and i shouldn't. they are there to be eaten.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching, sauna)
• wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• read the beck book on my way to work;
• finish getting my flash cards ready:
  
• get appointments for physio;
• research new running shoes;
• get appointment for insoles;
  
• blog about my 2010 goals; and
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.
  

hungryhungryhungryhungry.

i'm HUNGRY. right now. right this very moment.

because i most certainly haven't eaten enough protein and fat during the day today. and because eating chopped veggies with quark in the middle of winter for lunch just isn't satisfying enough. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? (well, i would have, if i had thought about it, that is.)

thankfully, the guy will be home soon. and then we will have dinner, asap, and all will be good. and i will feel awesome for not snacking before dinner, and for having dinner when hungry.

all this? is beck diet-thinking at work. even though i still haven't properly started the programme, with reading my flash cards, and whatnot. what i have changed, so far, however is this, just after reading the first part:

• i've started weighing myself once (and just once) every day, without judging, and writing down that weight;
• i've been planning my meals in the evening for the following day, written that plan down and then followed that plan;
• i've made an effort to eat more slowly;
• i've dealt with hunger, and let myself feel hunger, it's something i've been terribly afraid of while dieting, but it turns out i can deal with hunger, in lots of different ways (like by writing this blog post);
  
• i've defined times when i wanted to eat, and stuck to these times (using e.ggtimer, actually, to prevent myself from snacking right after meals before i'd had time to start feeling satisfied); and
  
• in challenging moments, i've reminded myself why i was abstaining, why i want to be skinny, why i like myself, told myself that i could do it, and gave myself credit.

i actually gave myself a shitload of credit this past week. for going to the gym. for working out. for choosing healthy meals. for sticking to my plans.

it sounds a bit stupid, really, but i rock, for doing all this. i am proud of myself for turning my life around, proud of the changes i have made and will continue to make. i'm proud i'm not crouching in front of the kitchen cupboard right now, chucking down wasabi peanuts by the handful. i can't wait to start cooking (as soon as the guy calls that he's leaving the shop).

one week kinda-in with beck, with barely one foot in the door, and so much is different already.

good stuff, me thinks.

but good grace, am i HUNGRY.

goals for the week. [#7]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

so. much. better. diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned, started reading the complete beck diet for life, some friends i hadn't seen in a year visited, i had the most perfect workout morning on saturday and then pretty much spend all day sunday in bed with the bf. it was all kinda awesome, really.

and the new week started interestingly, too: had an 8:30am appointment with my ortho: he reckons i have dysplasia in my knees, prescribed physio and insoles. very much need new running shoes and decent shoes to wear every day. hmph.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yes! i deserve so much credit for not eating bread during two dinners out, and when the bf got fresh flat bread from the downstairs kebap place to have with soup. i smelled it, i touched it, i didn't eat any. ha!
  
• no booze - yes! very much wanted some, when eating out this past weekend, but i resisted; loving the clearheadedness of everything right now, so easy!
  
• ice my knees twice every day - failed, yet again. i need to get myself new ice packs, i somehow managed to lose the cloth covers of the ones i got a few months ago, and since then, my compliance has deteriorated, so there;
  
• blog about my 2010 goals - failed, yet again, too busy to blog, in a way. definitely (and finally) this week!
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.
  

nsv of the week:

resisting the bread basket during too dinners out, and resisting the salt pretzels while hanging out at a cocktail bar. and a comment by my pt on saturday morning: "have you lost weight this week? your face looks super skinny this morning, it's really obvious."

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on. and start working throught the beck book. i also want to up my veggie intake, these past few weeks have been a bit grain-heavy.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, possibly hypoxi, stretching, sauna)
• wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• start actually working through the beck diet;
  
• get an appointment with thomas;
• get appointments for physio;
• blog about my 2010 goals; and
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.
  

some random things that i believe about food.

• all fast food ist evil.
  the only chain fast food i've had in the past years is subway, and that hasn't happened in at least six months or so.
  
• all processed food is evil.
  i avoid processed, pre-packaged pretend food, including 'organic' processed, pre-packaged stuff.
  
• all 'diet' food is evil.
  i believe that artificial sweeteners are bad for your metabolism, and i avoid them as well as i can.
  
• diet soda is especially evil.
  and hence i haven't had any in 700 days. one of the best things i've ever done.
  
• eating meat is bad for the world in a multitude of ways.
  earth, water, climate, people.
  
• eat food. not too much. mostly plants.
  
• the stranger the grain, the better.
  and the more strange grains i try, the more i realise that i can love them all.
  
• legumes are superawesome and surprisingly yummy.
  i didn't grow up eating legumes, and i'm kinda sad that i lived without yellow lentils for the first thirty years of my life.
  
• the more protein something non-animal has, the better.
  nut butters! amaranth!

waterworld.

5 pounds down in the last 72 hours. down the loo, obviously.

my rings are way too lose again, my clothes fit better, and the definition in my arms, legs and upper body is almost back to normal. this recent experience of swelling like a pufferfish has been a first, which isn't that surprising, really, given that the number of pill-free cycles my body has ever had is less than a dozen or so. or maybe this is just the first time that i ever truly noticed. because that's different, these days: i'm so much closer to my body right now, than i ever was.

the extend of disconnect that i obviously had at a higher weight baffles me. i now notice what happens in my belly after dinner. i know the landscape of my body, the bones and muscles. i know where i begin and end. and i like it that way. and yet: there's so much stuff i still don't know, or don't get. like that i retain water like crazy before my period. or that my patella tendons are still so very unhappy, despite no running in three months and pretty regular icing.

i'll learn all that eventually, i guess. for now, i need patience, right? right.