the summer of my discontent.

in late june, i stopped weighing myself. i just didn't feel like it anymore. i also stopped counting points, which i hadn't really been doing for a while, anyway, and i stopped reading weight loss and fitness blogs and books about food and eating. call it an experiment in normaldom, if you wish, even if it wasn't a conscious decision to attempt intuitive eating, even if it wasn't a conscious thing at all.

i guess i was just tired of it all.

and then i had a hellish four weeks at work, had major intestinal trouble that sent me to my gp first, and then to a gastroenterologist, then i had to get a tooth pulled and despite all that my body somehow managed to do something my body practically never does: i had a cycle and menstruated a few times (horray for the effort, boo for the pms and the bloating and the boobs), and there was a bunch of travel that had me away from r. for way too long and i found myself being totally fed up and bored at the gym even though i still went three times a week and......and did i mention that we had houseguests for eight weeks straight? it wasn't because of them that i started being sneaky around food, but i did, and i somehow forgot that i feel best when i plan my daytime meals, so i was starving at work because i forgot my brekkie, started having cake for lunch or 500g of full fat vanilla yoghurt and half a bag of crunchy granola or a bag of wasabi dusted macadamias.....and somehow i started prefering some clothes over others, and during bikram class, i couldn't slide into garurasana as deeply as i used to because my thighs seemed so plump (must be the water weight!), and then yesterday i realised that i had to put on my largest jeans for the three hour hike with the dog, which made me feel so bad that i couldn't stop reaching for the (homemade, healthy, vegan) biscuits after dinner.....and this morning i finally stepped on my scale again, and i weigh 71.3kg.

the number doesn't matter. i'm actually really surprised that it really doesn't matter. what matters though, is that i don't feel well, haven't really felt well for these past eight weeks, and probably the eight weeks before that, too, back when my weight was creeping up and i was in a total panic about it. it was good to stop being panicky. it was not good to stop being...me.

i've been looking after myself crappily, not feeding myself well, being secretive about food, taking extra servings (always so scared to miss out, to go hungry, to not have enough, unable to stop), and now my clothes don't fit, and and yes, i could buy bigger ones, but i really don't want to. i like my clothes. i liked, no, loved the way i felt in my body in the spring. i miss that feeling.

i love myself. i love my body. i'm not angry with it, for wanting and holding on to some extra weight, so soft on my hips and thighs (extra padding to distance myself from all these people invading my household, my life?). i'm not angry with myself for gaining these five, seven, eight, whatever, kgs. i'm just sad about this summer, which really lacked in the fun and happiness and sunshine and eating strawberries department, sad about the stress and the worries and about being unable to reach out.

i tried, in a variety of ways ways, actually. sitting in my docs office, whining about my intestinal worries and about life, to which he recommended homeopathic anti-anxiety-medication which i tried for two weeks and hated. i had a trainer appointment the week before last, where i complained to c. about being run down, and she told me to relax, to do less, to change my routine, to go to the sauna after class, and who let me weigh in without me knowing the number. that helped, somewhat. and yet last week, i had to crawl into my physio's office after throwing out my back in pump class. how many more messages from my body do i need? message received, body. it's time to look after you better again.

i know that it'll all get better. everything will get better. r. and i we're figuring out how i'll finally, properly move in this fall. we'll go to italy, twice (and i won't think twice about wearing a bikini), and in early october, i'll fly out to chicago for a long weekend with my dad to see my brother run his first ever marathon.

i owe it to myself to make good choices for myself, to really work out (and not just go through the motions), to relax and stretch and quiet my mind in yoga class and to feed myself well and to treat me gently and look after my emotions. i'm trying to keep it simple, right now. all changes that i do right now have to be substainable. no extreme measures, no bootcamp.

for now, i'm starting to weigh myself again daily and to track my food by counting points again.

so there.

we're having a love affair.

....that green drop and i. a hot and sweaty and happy love affair with lots of quality time at the gym and a bunch of great food.

i feel like myself again.

and that is all.

the past three months.

i've got a crush on that tiny little green drop at the very end there.

goals for the week. [#10]

my weight on sunday morning:

still marvelling at how much it fluctuates in a week. i'm trying hard to cultivate a really scientific, non-judgemental mindset in regards to my weight, as in 'i am observing this weird, shifting natural phenomenon that has nothing to do with me'. and it is, in a way: i have no idea what my body does in response to water, food, sodium, work outs. so here i am, trying to learn about it. fun!

also: now that january is over (and i've gotten over my knee shock and everything), i should totally step it up a notch and finally tackle these last few pounds, right? right.

how was my week?

one part nightmare, one part calm. the second half of the week was much better than the first, and on satuday and sunday, i really unwinded. on saturday, i went to farmers market, to the gym, to the supermarket and then home. didn't do anything besides showeing, puttering around at home and cooking dinner. and then i fell asleep on the couch by ten. heaven! didn't get anything done that needed getting done, though. ahem. you do what you have to do. right now that is: resting. sunday was hence the same, apart from three hours i spent at a band contest because of work.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yup!
  
• no booze - yup!
  
• take a lunch break on thursday and friday - yes - took a superbrief one with the bf on thursday, and a shopping one on friday;
  
• stay in touch with lizzie - yup!
  
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening - not often enough, but yes;
  
• get more physio appointments - nope, will call first thing monday morning;
  
• get appointment for insoles - nope, need to talk about it with chris before doing so;
  
• blog about my knee issues and 2010 goals - done (kinda); and
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - still in draft stage, but getting there.
  



nsv of the week:



decided to take some measurements today. compared to the last time i did so, two months ago, at more or less weight the same, i have lost:

• 1cm each off of my hips and chest (sob) ; and
• 2cm each off each arm, my stomach, and each thigh.

yay!

what will i do this week?

this week will be busy again, both at work (really need to work on my uni stuff!) and at home. we'll have houseguests all week, which will be the first time of many.

not sure whether i ever mentioned it, but the bf is a piercer and body modifier who runs a studio with his best friend. they did a major move and revamp last year, and part of said revamp is offering tattoo services in their store, done by (travelling) guest artists from across the world. this is a major life change, in a way, because this means we'll more or less regularly have people stay with us for a week or so. we've always had people staying over a lot anyway, but that's either been the kids, or very good friends, and now we'll have people come and stay who are not yet friends. or so.

in any way, the first two arrived last night, c & c (she's called caro, too!), i like these two, they were here for a few days in december, and it'll doubtlessly work. they'll be here for a week, and it'll be interesting to cultivate a groove with them here. i'm usually in a 'must be a fabulous host mode' when people are staying over, but these past few months, i've really worked hard on letting that slide a bit and relaxing more. the people who come and visit us (hopefully) won't care if there's still that untidy cupboard in the kitchen, but they'll (hopefully) enjoy a yummy dinner and good conversation and a more relaxed me, though.

it's still going to be interesting, though, because i very much need to live my regular, everyday life while they are here, which means sleeping enough, working out and getting up early.

i'll be the first one out the door in the morning, so apart from choosing my clothes the previous night and getting them out of the guestroom (where we keep all of our clothes), nothing much will change in the mornings. i'm kinda expecting more eating out in the evenings, which i'm not a fan of right now, but well, small concession. i'll happily cook dinner once or twice but that'll be it, really.


when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (35 minutes cardio coach, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
  
• thursday, pm: (35 minutes cardio coach; 2 rounds fat burning circle, another 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night (if possible)
  
• saturday, am: gym (15 minutes cardio, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• not get too stressed out by our visitors;
• no bread;
  
• no booze;
  
• take at least a brief lunch break every day;
• get out of the office by 6pm every day;
  
• stay in touch with lizzie;
  
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening;
  
• get more physio appointments;
  
• get appointment for insoles; and
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

goals for the week. [#9]

[i'm a bit late with these, but better late than never, right?]

my weight on sunday morning:

63,4kg. still weighing myself every day, and trying to get used to that. some mornings, i've had to remind myself actively that that number has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my self-worth. that it's just a number. nothing else. same old, same old. surprisingly though, on other days, i really don't care. because today, i noticed that i've actually shrunk out of yet another set of skirts, even though i haven't lost any weight. good stuff!


how was my week?

let's not talk about this week, yes? the last ten days have been rough. not because anything terrible happened, really, but i've been working too much, taking too few breaks (as in: none), and slept way too little. and then i was told i should ditch all my goals because of my knees! haha!


nah.

it really wasn't all that catastrophic, though. i still worked out as planned (with only stationary biking as cardio, however) and ate ok. for once i kinda ate all of my points, which had been my plan and all, but felt kinda odd. only troublesome spot was late-night-eating during and after djing on saturday night. banana bread upon coming home at 5am? i've done smarter things.



and did i mention that i've got another bout of viral fun?

through all that i struggled mightily at staying in touch with my awesome motivational match-up lizzie. and that sucked. which made me feel sucky. and stopped me from opening up twitter. which made me feel even suckier. and.... gah!


enough.


how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yup! (apart from some homemade baked goods that don't count, though.)
• no booze - yup!
• ice my knees twice every day - yup! quitting that now, though. my physio (who i reckon knows my knees best) thinks i don't actually have any inflammation. and hence recommends warmth. and so i'll give my knees a hot water bottle every night from now on. and just ice straight after workouts, in case of pain.
• read the beck book on my way to work - somewhat. did that three of four times, then chose another book.
• finish getting my flash cards ready - nope. simply didn't have time. am postponing all beck related goals till march; it's just not happening right now.
• get appointments for physio - yup! had my first appointment on tuesday, need to get more! research new running shoes - yup! bought awesome asics nimbus 11!
• get appointment for insoles - not yet, but got everything ready to do so, i.e. got recommentations on a place to get them done, etc.
• blog about my 2010 goals - just not time
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - just not time.



nsv of the week:



got lots of compliments by lots of different people, including my physio (who hadn't seen me in two months or so), a colleague, and others. i also realised that i now need a size small in regular american apparel girl t-shirts. it used to be large a year ago! woohoo!




what will i do this week?

i want to try to calm down a bit these next few days. it's been so hectic round here, so adrenaline-driven, with early mornings and late nights and lots of deadlines and crap. and way too little sleep. all deadlines have been met (for now), and i'll try to set my stuff up in a way that i won't end up in deadline hell again any time soon. there'll still be a lot of work though.

apart from regular office stuff i'll have to prep for my uni course on saturday (the class is in two and in three weeks) and attend an event on sunday. other stuff that'll impact my plans: tomorrow will be kinda difficult because the public transport folks will be on strike, so i'll have to bike (which i don't ever do in winter). on friday, one of the bf's kinda-kids will arrive for a weekend visit as well, and then on sunday, our houseguests for the next two weeks will arrive as well.




when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (3 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes cardio, stretching) - done!
• thursday, pm: (30 minutes cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, another 30 minutes cardio, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (3 rounds strength circle, weights, 45 minutes cardio, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• take a lunch break on thursday and friday;
• stay in touch with lizzie;
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening;
• get more physio appointments;
• get appointment for insoles;
• blog about my knee issues and 2010 goals;
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

goals for the week. [#8]

my weight on sunday morning:

it's been really interesting to weigh myself every day. i never realised how much my weight fluctuates! it's been as high as 63,3 kg (morning after a carb heavy meal) and as low as 61,9 kg (morning after carb-free night, hypoxi workout). never thought i'd say that, but starting to weigh myself daily might have been the sanest thing, ever, in this whole weightlossjourneything, because it has totally taken all pressure of my weigh-ins. (need to elaborate on that in a seperate blog post.)

how was my week?

pretty damn fine, really: diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned (and really pushed through some negative self-talk when i didn't feel like it at first on wednesday night), weighed myself every day. everything went pretty smoothly, really. the one kinda stupid thing i did this week though was once again overeating on healthy stuff: made myself a proper, yummy dinner, but just didn't stop when i was full. the yellow lentils were just too yummy (and i'd had a majorly stressful day at work). i'm still paying for that with a seriously unhappy digestive track. to prevent this from happening again, i will cook less lentils in the future. and really work on learning how to stop when i'm full. i also haven't followed up on my ortho visit; really need to schedule my physio appointments soon and get myself new shoes and those insoles.

haven't felt that great this weekend: fell asleep on my way into town saturday night and felt so crappily, that the guy and i cancelled our going out plans and went back home. i fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm and was totally out of it. today's been better, but i've been struggling with a major headache all day. let's see what that is - there are lots of crappy bugs going around right now (aren't they always?). i hope it's nothing.

in general, i've been terribly busy: work was really stressful this past week, and at the end of the day, i was really out of it. neither had the time nor energy to do stuff, blog or read the beck book, as planned. just wasn't my week in that regard, and i actually don't see that changing for at least three more weeks. which is when we'll have houseguests for two weeks straight. oh well.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yup! getting easier and easier, that one;
  
• no booze - yup! still easy;
  
• ice my knees twice every day - did kinda ok on that one, managed one ice session every evening; have been getting up so early, that the morning one was too much of a struggle, really; i'll keep aiming for two though;
  
• start actually working through the beck diet - didn't manage that one, and i'm starting to wonder whether i'll have to postpone that for a little while. this coming week. i will start reading the book on my way to work, complete the flash cards and take it from there;
  
• get an appointment with thomas - done, seeing him tuesday night;
  
• get appointments for physio - still have to do that;
  
• blog about my 2010 goals - dito;
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.
  

nsv of the week:

for our sunday walk with the dog today, we chose a route that we hadn't taken since december '08. back then, it was a horrible experience for me. i felt like shit, trying to get up a certain ascend. huffing and puffing my way up there back then i said "it's my goal of '09 to get fit again." and i did it. and today master that same ascend barely being out of breath. which very much rocks. because that's what it's all about, in the end, this weight loss, this fitness stuff: being better at doing stuff in the real world.

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on, really. and try to eat more of my weekly allowance points, i've been having trouble digging into these, and i shouldn't. they are there to be eaten.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching, sauna)
• wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• read the beck book on my way to work;
• finish getting my flash cards ready:
  
• get appointments for physio;
• research new running shoes;
• get appointment for insoles;
  
• blog about my 2010 goals; and
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.
  

goals for the week. [#7]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

so. much. better. diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned, started reading the complete beck diet for life, some friends i hadn't seen in a year visited, i had the most perfect workout morning on saturday and then pretty much spend all day sunday in bed with the bf. it was all kinda awesome, really.

and the new week started interestingly, too: had an 8:30am appointment with my ortho: he reckons i have dysplasia in my knees, prescribed physio and insoles. very much need new running shoes and decent shoes to wear every day. hmph.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yes! i deserve so much credit for not eating bread during two dinners out, and when the bf got fresh flat bread from the downstairs kebap place to have with soup. i smelled it, i touched it, i didn't eat any. ha!
  
• no booze - yes! very much wanted some, when eating out this past weekend, but i resisted; loving the clearheadedness of everything right now, so easy!
  
• ice my knees twice every day - failed, yet again. i need to get myself new ice packs, i somehow managed to lose the cloth covers of the ones i got a few months ago, and since then, my compliance has deteriorated, so there;
  
• blog about my 2010 goals - failed, yet again, too busy to blog, in a way. definitely (and finally) this week!
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.
  

nsv of the week:

resisting the bread basket during too dinners out, and resisting the salt pretzels while hanging out at a cocktail bar. and a comment by my pt on saturday morning: "have you lost weight this week? your face looks super skinny this morning, it's really obvious."

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on. and start working throught the beck book. i also want to up my veggie intake, these past few weeks have been a bit grain-heavy.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, possibly hypoxi, stretching, sauna)
• wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• start actually working through the beck diet;
  
• get an appointment with thomas;
• get appointments for physio;
• blog about my 2010 goals; and
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.
  

goals for the week. [#6]

my weight on sunday morning:

up 2kg. there's NO WAY i've gained that much weight in the past week. it has to be hormonal, really. not stressing about it for now (or: trying to), kinda waiting for it to pass, really. and drinking more. and watching my portions. and counting points.

how was my week?

i'd totally underestimated the impact that the kids' visit would have on the life the bf and i share. it was just off, and he and i were transformed into a management team, trying to keep a stressful situation under control.

it sounds so silly, really, but i'd kinda thought that a six year old was much less work. but he needs to be fed! (and hates most food!) and put to bed! and dressed! and washed! and entertained! good grace. and that on top of work. i have a much deeper admiration for parents now. after just one week. i practically didn't get a single break all week and cooked every night, and then i had to get myself to the office on saturday and sunday as well (to work on a non-work assignment for that conference thing i mentioned a while back) as well.

since i wrapped that up on sunday, i'm much happier, actually. that'd been bothering me all week as well. in any way, i was hungry all the time, didn't take any breaks during work, only got to the gym twice (had to ditch my third trip because of absolutely having to make that deadline), and i had to ditch my pt appointment as well. shouldn't be surprised that i'm tired now, eh? i was super weirded out by *feeling fat* this week as well, and want to nip that kind of disconnect in the butt. ordered the book that jen of prior fat girl is reading on the blog, "the beck complete diet solution", and will start working through that now.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread – failed, big time, again, when i mindlessly got myselfpretzels as snacks TWICE. enough!
• no booze – done & easy.
• ice my knees twice every day - managed once most days, got to step that up
• blog about my 2010 goals - just didn't have time (plus the older kid blocked the computer most nights)
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance (dito)

nsv of the week:

eating well on our day trip to the zoo and not tiring during said trip.

what will i do this week?

get back to normal! i just want to get my groove back, really, and since sunday morning, i've almost fully recovered. i'll properly count points again (failed to do so on friday and saturday), do my usual workouts, get back to basics. we got friends visiting from thursday on (not sure yet, how long they'll stay, strange nomads that they are), and that'll be lovely.


when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
• wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• blog about my 2010 goals; and
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

goals for the week. [#5]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

my week was generally lovely – holidays, wee! - but foodwise a total 'so-so'. first off, there were mystery weight fluctuation (64,3kg, anyone?), then i failed to plan lunches, then new years' happened, which sucked, and over the weekend, i totally struggled with having some leftover christmas goodies in the house. they're all gone now. and i feel much more in control again already

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread – failed, big time, over new years'. new years' would be worth a whole post by itself, actually, if writing said post wouldn't be so damn depressing. so many things sucked about it (don't they always?), above all, however, my reaction to them. i was a ball of pure stress most of the night, and actually delusioned enough to believe that having my right hand firmly alternating between the bread basket and my mouth would improve the situation.
• no booze – oh>, i so wanted to drink on new years'. instead, i guzzled down alcohol free radler (beer with lemonade), which tasted like radler, but didn't give me the relaxing effect of radler, which was very irritating; not having a hangover on january 1^st though? priceless. and good grace, are people ever assholes when intoxicated.
• enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling – fail, see above. it wasn't all bad, really, but pretty bad nonetheless. if still a lot better than at previous occasions.
• ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up and make an appointment with the ortho;
• come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them: kinda – got the goals, need to blog 'em.
• get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals: appointment set for january 11.
• maintain - kinda. what are normal weight fluctuations of skinny people?

nsv of the week:
lots of compliments from friends i hadn't seen in ages.

what will i do this week?

the kids are here, so meals might turn out to be different than usual. we already had mashed potatoes and (organic) fish fingers last night, ha. the whole thing has been fun, but stressful. life in our household so far has been reduced to management of sleep, food, poop and bodily cleanliness. which is normal, innit? on wednesday, we'll daytrip to switzerland, so i'll have to fix some good out-of-the-house-food for me. the kiddos leave on sunday. can't wait for normalcy, already.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
• thursday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• blog about my 2010 goals; and
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

goals for the week. [#4]

my weight on sunday morning:



how was my week?

my week was good! i really enjoyed christmas and could actually use another christmas asap. and hey: i reached my goal weight. go me!

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - had whole-wheat bread once, on wednesday, as an emergency measure, ha, to get my stomach moving again; that tastes alright (nowhere near as awesome as i had imagines), and worked okay; but that was that
• no booze - totally easy; only downside - i felt like a smug idiot when everyone started being incoherent at our christmas eve get-together
• ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up
• enjoy christmas - done; and
• maintain - failed this one, ha. :) yay for losses, yay for reaching goals!

nsv of the week:
hiking a hill with the dog on yesterdays' walk that left me totally out of breath and winded and unhappy exactly a year ago. and was now easy-peasy.

what will i do this week?

work monday, tuesday and wednesday. i'll be cooking dinner tonight, we'll prolly be going out to dinner tomorrow and i'll be having no carb night by myself on wednesday. we will spend new years' in zurich, which is always total mayhem - not just, because of the hard partying, actually. last year, we ate raclette for 4 hours straight. and again for breakfast. on friday, the guy and i will travel back, hang out at home on saturday (he's got the day off work), and on sunday, the half-sibs of his daughter will come to visit for a week, which will be more of a time-challenge than anything else.

the biggest challenge is definitely new years'. i'll bring some alcohol-free drinks, and some okay snacks, so that i won't freak out and so that some things that i want will be available.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
• wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them;
• get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals; and
• enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling.

61,8kg

arbitrary number? totally. still awesome to reach it?
oh yes, indeed.

[and yay for not-stressing over christmas, eating white chocolate mousse and lasagna and still losing weigh. oh yes. and now i want to find my happy space between 60 and 62kg somewhere.]

to lose or not to lose.

i'm at a supremely weird stage in my weight loss right now, at one pound away from goal (or so). the closer i get, the more i wonder what (if anything at all) that goal actually means. the answer i get to on most days is: nothing. it's just a number. a number that i kinda randomly chose. a number that is not important at all. a number that doesn't mean anything.

because very little will change, once i see that number on the scale. and because, in so many ways, i have already reached whatever goal i had. i am already there. no: here.

i can (and do!) buy clothes everywhere, in smalls and 38s, and sometimes in 36s, and as a result i own a shitload of beautiful clothes and i dress up each and every day. i work out three times a week and it makes me feel strong and badass and awesome, and i love the sweat and the hard work. i don't feel self-conscious about my body anymore. i weigh between 62 and 63kg, my bmi is 22 and my body fat around 20%. and i can run 5k in 26:10 minutes (if i have to).

and all that is very, very, very odd. these past few weeks have had me in shock about what i look like these days. it's like i haven't looked in the mirror since june or so (but believe me, i have), but there's this skinny person looking back at me, and it is me. and when i say skinny, i actually mean it. i'm pretty lean, apart from my thighs. my chest has got bony bits in them, my arms have got definition and (when not constipated) my belly is flat and muscly.

on thursday at a christmas get-together a friend of mine whom i hadn't seen in a while worriedly asked me whether i "still had that weight loss thing under control". that same day, another friend asked me, whether "i still wanted to lose even more weight". the bf reckons i should be done as well. and this morning at the gym, pt thomas (whom i hadn't seen in a while) said "so that plan we got you is working, eh?" and it is. and it has.

now. what do i want? what do i want to look like, what do i want to achieve fitness-wise, what do i want to weigh? i'm still not sure.

my head is full of various non-scale goals for 2010: 5ks, 10ks, being able to do a real pull-up, that mini-tri. but what else do i want? what does all that mean?

i'm still not sure.

goals for the week. [#3]

my weight on monday morning:

how was my week?

work was as nightmarish as expected and my cat died. it sucked. but give that, i did relatively well, really. am so very tired right now, though. can't wait for three days off and nothing to do.

i've had a bit of stomach trouble in the second half of the week: was kinda stopped up, super uncomfy and bloated. guess i'll have to cook my oatmeal longer and eat less bananas (or let them ripen more) and switch back to my old fave meal of carrots and quark every once in a while

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - only had bread once, at that dinner-thing on saturday, that was totally aimed at meat-eaters and where i'd been hungry, otherwise, so totally okay;
  
• no booze - absolutely easy-peasy;
  
• no sweets apart from the daily piece of chocolate - failed this one. there was that mindless christmas cookie incident when i was super hungry, have already forgiven myself though;
  
• diligent point-counting and hunger tracking - tracked everything, go me!
  
• write a blog-post on body image and goal weight - still owe this one;
  
• decide the christmas menu with the guy and come up with a plan for the holidays - done!
  
• ice my knees twice a day, every day - done!

nsv of the week:
sauna-ing with the bf without a moment of feeling self-conscious about my body (germany, land of full on nudity saunas).

what will i do this week?

enjoy christmas! i've decided that i don't want to be super-restrictive over christmas. i won't let my guard down completely (pretty sure i wouldn't be able to, anyway), and i'll still be counting points, but it's going to be, well, christmas. and there will be dessert.

the bf and i, we've figured out, what we'll cook, and it's a nice combination of kinda indulgent (as in: not everyday) stuff and regular meals. we'll have lasagna on christmas eve, monkfish with mashed chestnut sweet potatoes and veggies on the 25, or fave baked salmon on the 26 and our fave pumpkin soup on the 27.

i'm so very good at making dessert, and i just never ever do that, these days, so i'll be making white chocolate mousse, tiramisu, apple pie and a christmas honey cake. we'll have friends coming over sometime to help us finish those off, so that's all good. i'll also buy a tiny bit of high quality christmas sweets from our fave bakery, and that'll be it.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

tuesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
thursday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
saturday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)

also: long walks with the dog, who'll be with us from the 25th on.


weekly goals:

• no bread, still the best rule of all,
  
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day
  
• enjoy christmas; and
• hence: maintain. 'tis the time of the year and all.

goals for the week. [#2]

my weight on monday morning:

how was my week?

my week was pretty spectacular! had a fab time in berlin (and off work), ate a lot of superyummy food while staying within points, hung out with lots of friends, did bikram yoga three times (oh, yay!) and had a bikram related epiphany. and i also lost a tiny bit of weight - 0,4kg, one pound. a bit more would have been nice, but is maybe a bit much to ask after a few days of late-night eating and partying, even if the latter has been booze-free.

see: we got to talk about booze. i will not drink any alcohol until april 1st.

i would have abstained from january 2nd until april 1st anyway (the bf and i did that this year, and it did us both extremely well), and this early start is a gift to my friend s. to cut a long story about a not so spectacular part of the week short: our partying on wednesday night got out of hand, and the same happened to her when she was out by herself on thursday, and i held her hair as she puked and collapsed on her bathroom floor when she got home just after i did. then she hyperventilated, and her eyes got all weird and i seriously considered calling an ambulance, but then managed to get the whole situation under control.

now drinking too much every once in a while is kinda okay (if kinda stupid, still)
when you're 19, but a whole lot less okay when you're 39, and most definitely not okay at all when you drink to deal with problems and if your hangovers are so bad that you can't get up for a whole day. this wasn't the first time stuff like this has happened. last year, she ended up in hospital after a festival, and every time she and i have been at festivals, she collapsed because of booze. her boyfriend (who had a definite booze and drug problem) just left her, and the last time that happened, she got into the habit of drinking two bottles of red by herself at home at night. which was most definitely not okay, either.

the one way i could convince her to quit booze was telling her that i'd do it as well. even though i do not have a problem, and barely drink, really, ever since the bf and i went cold turkey this past january; which totally turned all my booze drinking around. and so i am. doing so will be hard, and has been hard, already. had nothing but mineral water at saturdays' office party, and got to dodge two "are you pregnant?"-questions. there will be christmas. and new year's (among a whole bunch of people who love to booze and else). everything.

now, s. and i, we're so far apart (800km), that neither of us would know, if the other one did booze up. but i really want to be honest and make this work. because i really want her to stop drinking. and not just for the next three months, but for good.

so yeah. all that kinda made my week a bit less spectacular. but i'll make it work.

still lovin' the new ww programme: i get to eat so very much! all the time! it's very easy and very enjoyable, and i feel much less deprived than i did on the previous programme.


how did i do on my goals?

• no bread: did ok! (apart from those evil christmas cookies at the office christmas party and the burger i had friday night)
  
• relaxing no booze-rule for two nights: done! had drinks on one night only: wednesday, and diligently jotted down their points.
  
• diligent points counting: done! (even though i did eat my weekly allowance; amassed a glorious 53 activity points though, that i didn't dig into at all)

what will i do this week?

this will be a regular, if kinda crazy pre-christmas work-week. will have a lot of work on monday and tuesday, and there's a friend of the guy visiting, so we'll go out for dinner tonight. will cook tuesday night, and do my usual no carb-night on wednesday. saturday might get a bit difficult, food- and boozewise: the bf and his best friend and workmate are throwing a dinner party for everyone who helped with their shop reopening this year. it'll be hard, but i'll manage.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)

wednesday: gym (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching, sauna)

saturday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• no sweets apart from the daily piece of chocolate (got another yeast infection, hooray!);
  
• diligent point-counting and hunger tracking;
  
• write a blog-post on body image and goal weight;
• decide the christmas menu with the guy and come up with a plan for the holidays (and write about it); and
  
• ice my knees twice a day, every day.
  

goals for the week. [#1]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

superbusy and good. had a lot of stuff at work that turned out alright, and some patchwork family stress that had me upset for a while, but that i see much more clearly now. the weekend was lovely and relaxing and good. my eating was ok this week, apart from wednesday night, when i was at a business meeting and fell into the pretzel trap. love the new ww plan, and am really motivated right now. only real bummer: still some knee pain.

what will i do this week?

monday and tuesday: work

wednesday till saturday: berlin trip

saturday: office christmas party

sunday: relaxation & kid-visit

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)

wednesday: 8:30am bikram class

thursday: 9:30am bikram class

friday: 9:30am bikram class

won't manage to go to the gym on saturday (will get back at 5:30pm or so, and have to be at the party by 7:30 or so), and realistically won't be able to (and won't want to) work out on sunday (kid's here, there might be a hangover and there will definitely be some exhaustion and post-bikram pain, so i'll veg out and enjoy it). will get back in the swing of things next monday, with my usual monday-wednesday-saturday-routine

weekly goals:

• no bread (that's doing me so very good!), not even during the train trips (got to plan my train trip meals!)
• general no booze-rule will be relaxed for thursday (hanging out with friends) and saturday (office party)
• diligent points counting (no digging into weekly extra, if possible)

how did i do on my goals?

hadn't set them well enough this past week.

63kg.

after a week of pretty crappy points counting, i'm finally back to losing again. not s'posed to understand this, am i? tomorrow, ww will reveal their new programme round here. and i'm actually (finally) kinda excited about it. how odd.

in any way, we're having 101cookbooks' autumn potato salad (it's actually wild rice with baked veggies and i'm doing it with a lot less fat). and everything is good, really.

[nablopomo 15/30]

63,1kg.

138lb. 58lb lost. 2 to go.

good stuff, methinks.

64,5kg.

start: 89,3kg | 196lb | bmi 32
original ww goal: 65kg | 143lb | bmi 23
current: 64,5kg | 142lb | bmi 23
loss this week: -1,2kg | 2lb
loss: 24,8kg | 54lb




i never thought i could achieve this, ever, when i first typed that goal weight into the weight watchers website 523 days ago, in late april 2008. it was just an arbitrary weight, so much lower than anything i had ever weighed as an adult. a number so low it didn't seem do-able. my dream-number, really.

and now i've lost all this weight, 54lb (one large guinean barracuda, apparently). i am in a better physical and mental shape than ever before in my life. i can run 5k in 26:10 minutes. and i can wear size 38 dresses and need a size small at h&m. it boggles the mind.

i patted myself on the back for a few minutes after entering my current weight into the ww website and enjoying the goal weight-stars flashing.

and then changed my goal weight to 62kg. but that? is just fine-tuning.

post-holiday high.

these holidays of mine? rocked. seriously. i finally get why people love to go on holidays with their partners: because it's fun. i never knew! why did nobody TELL ME? it was so, so good to just spend some quality roadtripping time with the guy. i never doubted that we'd have a good time, but i never envisioned it could be this great, this lovely, this awesome. i actually cried about three times a day because i was so very very happy.

i mean, check this out:

ha.

everything turned out just the way we'd planned. just with an extra icing of awesomeness. we roadtripped, we hung out and read books, did a tiny amount of touristy things, swam in the local lake, drank a lot of wine and had dinner with our hosts (dinner that they had mainly grown themselves) every night. and then we roadtripped some more, spend a day on the beach and drove home via mount ventoux.

i did not count points during those eight days. "i ate so crappily", i told the guy on our drive home. "no, you didn't", he said. and he was right. sure, this could have been the 2009 southern france baked goods festival (pain au chocolat! croissants! baguette! my fave orange-soy cookies! every single day!), but apart from that, we had mainly locally grown veges and peaches that we picked from the tree ourselves. and almonds. and fish, once. and that was that. i was also sick during our trip, mightily sick, actually. very suddenly fell rather ill, one night, i ran a superhigh fever (no clue how high, we didn't have a thermometer); so high that i was actually talking funny and whatnot. felt a wee bit better during the days, but had two more feverish nights. still not completely well yet, and all, but much improved. was that the swine flu? who knows. before i got sick, i actually went for a whopper of an 8km run and did one bikram class. and then there was the swimming, too.

in any way, i didn't want to weigh myself upon my return, but then i just went for it, yesterday, and lo and behold, i have not gained any weight at all. i still weigh exactly 65,7kg. exactly, even. quite a shocker, that one. i never expected that, ever. so no harm was done by this holiday, and i am supermotivated now to kick those final kilos' respective asses.

had a session with my trainer jana today, and we made myself a new workout schedule that includes not only (gasp!) the rowing machine, but also some weird cross trainer, and a (new to me - and apparently super hard) weight circuit. i'll get to do three different kinds of workouts during my three weekly gym visits, before we change my routine around in six weeks. exciting! also had a cardio scan at the gym today, and rated 7 out of 10, which is well above average. go me!

in any way: the holidas are over, and i got to (and can't wait to!) get back to work. oh yes.

65,7kg.

i now weigh 65,7kg. it's been half my life since i was this weight. crazy.

this weekend, i also had half my hair cut off and took the dog for a 5,5k run. which is also kinda crazy.

totally underestimated how far you can actually run in 40 minutes, even with a dog, and when the route i had thought up turned out to be too short, the dog and i got a little lost and suddenly found ourselves on a cemetery, where running was definitely not called for on a sunday morning. with lots of properly dressed folks who had just been in church. took an unnecessary walking break, because i still have some manners left. :) also: hills are mean. but kinda awesome.

all's pretty good, if stressful. this coming week will be a killer. there's a shitload of work and travelling coming up. am going to munich tomorrow after work for a wedding, heading back to freiburg early thursday to work for half a day, and then up to hamburg late thursday where i'll give a two day professional seminar before heading home late saturday (on the last train, no less).

and then on sunday afternoon, i'll run my first ever 5k race.

realistic fitness goal for the week: two more runs (one in muc, one in hh). no gym this week, and i'm literally heartbroken about having to ditch my gym plans for tonight because of work and packing and everything.

boo.