to lose or not to lose.

i'm at a supremely weird stage in my weight loss right now, at one pound away from goal (or so). the closer i get, the more i wonder what (if anything at all) that goal actually means. the answer i get to on most days is: nothing. it's just a number. a number that i kinda randomly chose. a number that is not important at all. a number that doesn't mean anything.

because very little will change, once i see that number on the scale. and because, in so many ways, i have already reached whatever goal i had. i am already there. no: here.

i can (and do!) buy clothes everywhere, in smalls and 38s, and sometimes in 36s, and as a result i own a shitload of beautiful clothes and i dress up each and every day. i work out three times a week and it makes me feel strong and badass and awesome, and i love the sweat and the hard work. i don't feel self-conscious about my body anymore. i weigh between 62 and 63kg, my bmi is 22 and my body fat around 20%. and i can run 5k in 26:10 minutes (if i have to).

and all that is very, very, very odd. these past few weeks have had me in shock about what i look like these days. it's like i haven't looked in the mirror since june or so (but believe me, i have), but there's this skinny person looking back at me, and it is me. and when i say skinny, i actually mean it. i'm pretty lean, apart from my thighs. my chest has got bony bits in them, my arms have got definition and (when not constipated) my belly is flat and muscly.

on thursday at a christmas get-together a friend of mine whom i hadn't seen in a while worriedly asked me whether i "still had that weight loss thing under control". that same day, another friend asked me, whether "i still wanted to lose even more weight". the bf reckons i should be done as well. and this morning at the gym, pt thomas (whom i hadn't seen in a while) said "so that plan we got you is working, eh?" and it is. and it has.

now. what do i want? what do i want to look like, what do i want to achieve fitness-wise, what do i want to weigh? i'm still not sure.

my head is full of various non-scale goals for 2010: 5ks, 10ks, being able to do a real pull-up, that mini-tri. but what else do i want? what does all that mean?

i'm still not sure.