on the wagon.

i have not fallen off the earth or the wagon: i've just been swamped with work and social stuff (friends visiting! djing!) and more work. and then more work. and i've been kinda down, really, as well. a result of the former, i guess.

i've been holding up ok, though. haven't fallen headfirst into chocolate, or anything, even if i've been eating more in a 'maintain' than in a loss-mode, which was my plan, but which hasn't been working so great: my physicsdiet-chart dipped into red territory for the first time, ever, which is freaking me out a bit. as is my to-do-list. so many things on there.

need to get a grip on things. and i will. tomorrow. ha.

tired.

i'm tired, folks. it's been a weird, sad week, this one.

see: my dear old cat that i've had for half my life died on wednesday. i've been exceptionally sad about it. not just because she was a good cat (she hated me, really, but she was just the kind of cat our family needed and deserved, just as weird as all of us), but also because of what she meant for the family. when we had nothing to talk about, we could always talk about the cat. when we weren't talking to each other, we could always talk to the cat. i keep thinking about all the tiny little things i loved about her (her awesome ears, her hatred of certain types of music, the way she'd welcome my mom every moring), and get all soppy about 'em. and then i think about my friend s's girlfried, whose dad died of lung cancer within seven days of being diagnosed, and feel all ridiculous being sad about a cat. so there.

everything else has been pretty ok though, really. have been to the gym three times already this week (and will go again on sunday; change of plans and all), haven't had a drop of booze, have been eating well, yadayadayada. am still on a roll, kinda. hopped on the gym's fancy fat scale on wednesday, and while i only lost a tiny bit of weight in the past month, i dropped two kg of fat (!), so it proclaimed a giant 10% body fat loss since june. good stuff. i also bought some skinny jeans this week. which is extremely weird. and awesome. love 'em.

but the dominating feeling right now is exhaustion. i'm so very very tired. and it shows.

this arvo, i didn't get a lunch break till 3pm. walked to the bf's shop during said break, superhungry, and immediately gorged down some christmas cookies just because they were there (the bf and his colleague are -get this- currently giving a mighty discount to every customer who brings homemade christmas cookies). they were not worth it, i briefly felt shitty about it (and really, my behaviour was rather worrisome) but then forgave myself immediately. i need to look after myself better, not let myself get that hungry and exhausted and let myself enjoy some high quality christmas stuff in a situation that's actually enjoyable. oh well.

speaking of exhaustion: time to head to bed right this very minute. more tomorrow.

stuff i've eaten since arriving at my parents place 30 hours ago.

• three tiny mozzarella/tomato amuse geule (four course dinner friday night)
  
• a medium sized mixed salad (dinner)
  
• a crazy amount of bread (dinner)
• a glass of wine (dinner)
• some fried potatoes and cabbage (dear restaurant: that was a total vegetarian menu fail, especially after the potato soup with bacon, dinner)
• dessert - tiny portions of creme caramel, panna cotta and tiramisu (dinner)
• about four espresso (dinner)
• two cups of coffee (breakfast)
  
• two bread rolls with vegemite (breakfast)
• an apple (breakfast)
• an amaranth bar (snack on a stressful drive)
  
• an apple/almond bar (snack on a stressful drive)
• a few rice cakes (snack on a stressful drive)
• about two bites of apple strudel (coffee & cake)
  
• a few mints (coffee & cake)
• one spekuloos and some choc covered kruidnoten (coffee & cake)
• a few slices of dark whole wheat bread (pre-dinner snack)
  
• pasta with veggie sauce (dinner, so not-filling)
  
• several slices of kandijkoek (before and after dinner, because of stress, really)
  
• a domino ice cream (dessert, in a superstressful situation)
  
• two espresso; and
  
• two cups of tea.

me, stressed? why're you asking?

i am visiting my parents this week, for the first time in about 16 months, and i am just about to collapse into my old routines here. this is all so very fucking hard. there's so much crappy food around, food is so meaningful round here, and i feel so bad about everything, that i want to stuff my face with icecream and chocolate to make me feel better. as if that would help. crazy. instead, it makes it all worse, obviously.

i've also scratched my scalp bloody and scratched around so many pimples and blackheads that i look like i've been in a cat fight. doesn't help either.

i'm amazed how crappy my parents eat. their stuff (like the bread rolls for brekkie) leaves me hungry. and i'm also lonely. and tired. and everything. the weekend was much better than expected, but still so very hard. it's still hard. it's freaking 2am, and i'm still up, just to have some time to myself.

i have to be on at all times. and it's tiring. i need to remind myself that eating will not solve the problem, if the problem isn't hunger.

even if i still have trouble with that realisation, really, today's carb extravaganza will not be repeated tomorrow. i found some fage in a dutch supermarket and stocked up on all bran, so i'll have a regular breakfast tomorrow. and head home in the early afternoon. it's about time. all will be good. and i'll leave all the great and yummy dutch sweets that my mom bought here. i will not take them home.

right now? i'm sad. and i feel terribly lonely. and tired.

oh, and have i mentioned that right after i had arrived, my mom talked about my weight loss ("c. has lost 25 pounds", ha, 25 POUNDS?) to people i'd never met before, which i found terribly humiliating.

in any way:

i should go to bed instead of rummaging throught the kitchen, right? right.

now that i've lost weight...[#3]

i can not only cross my legs much more easily, but i can also wrap my foot around my ankle while doing so, eagle pose style. very weird, that.

[i discovered my new skill on thursday night, while supernervously drinking jägermeister with that aforementioned ex-boy after his gig. he didn't comment on my weight loss but told me a couple of times how "fantastic" i looked, and that he was majorly attracted to me, still and...yeah. that conversation was very good for my ego.

he's a smart guy, that one (even though his taste in shirts is questionable). told me (in that order, i think) that he wished that we lived closer (because we'd be together, obviously, haha), was absolutely ready to have kids and marry and had finally quit pot. and then we took turns apologising for stuff we'd done in the past, told us way too personal shit and at the end of it all, it was decided that we weren't 'done with each other' yet. we promised each other to call sometime soon, not to get killed in random car crashes in the next few years and hugged each other for too long. and then i went home.

back in my old life, he and i wouldn't have had that conversation, btw, because we would have already been in my flat, naked.

it was supremely weird. but, like i said, good for the ego. was tired, (emotionally) shaken and hungover all day yesterday, though. am heading to the gym now, for two hours of sweating and the sauna. i really need both.]