stuff i've eaten since arriving at my parents place 30 hours ago.

• three tiny mozzarella/tomato amuse geule (four course dinner friday night)
  
• a medium sized mixed salad (dinner)
  
• a crazy amount of bread (dinner)
• a glass of wine (dinner)
• some fried potatoes and cabbage (dear restaurant: that was a total vegetarian menu fail, especially after the potato soup with bacon, dinner)
• dessert - tiny portions of creme caramel, panna cotta and tiramisu (dinner)
• about four espresso (dinner)
• two cups of coffee (breakfast)
  
• two bread rolls with vegemite (breakfast)
• an apple (breakfast)
• an amaranth bar (snack on a stressful drive)
  
• an apple/almond bar (snack on a stressful drive)
• a few rice cakes (snack on a stressful drive)
• about two bites of apple strudel (coffee & cake)
  
• a few mints (coffee & cake)
• one spekuloos and some choc covered kruidnoten (coffee & cake)
• a few slices of dark whole wheat bread (pre-dinner snack)
  
• pasta with veggie sauce (dinner, so not-filling)
  
• several slices of kandijkoek (before and after dinner, because of stress, really)
  
• a domino ice cream (dessert, in a superstressful situation)
  
• two espresso; and
  
• two cups of tea.

me, stressed? why're you asking?

i am visiting my parents this week, for the first time in about 16 months, and i am just about to collapse into my old routines here. this is all so very fucking hard. there's so much crappy food around, food is so meaningful round here, and i feel so bad about everything, that i want to stuff my face with icecream and chocolate to make me feel better. as if that would help. crazy. instead, it makes it all worse, obviously.

i've also scratched my scalp bloody and scratched around so many pimples and blackheads that i look like i've been in a cat fight. doesn't help either.

i'm amazed how crappy my parents eat. their stuff (like the bread rolls for brekkie) leaves me hungry. and i'm also lonely. and tired. and everything. the weekend was much better than expected, but still so very hard. it's still hard. it's freaking 2am, and i'm still up, just to have some time to myself.

i have to be on at all times. and it's tiring. i need to remind myself that eating will not solve the problem, if the problem isn't hunger.

even if i still have trouble with that realisation, really, today's carb extravaganza will not be repeated tomorrow. i found some fage in a dutch supermarket and stocked up on all bran, so i'll have a regular breakfast tomorrow. and head home in the early afternoon. it's about time. all will be good. and i'll leave all the great and yummy dutch sweets that my mom bought here. i will not take them home.

right now? i'm sad. and i feel terribly lonely. and tired.

oh, and have i mentioned that right after i had arrived, my mom talked about my weight loss ("c. has lost 25 pounds", ha, 25 POUNDS?) to people i'd never met before, which i found terribly humiliating.

in any way:

i should go to bed instead of rummaging throught the kitchen, right? right.