Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
6/19/2009
67kg.
one more thing that's motivating me: i want to look good for and with the boyfriend. he loves me no matter what (seriously!) but he's so very skinny and i don't want us to be known as "that skinny guy with the chubby girl friend". and i'd really like to weigh less than he does. which is all of 67kg. (have i mentioned yet that he's got 7% body fat? yeah. skinny.)
6/18/2009
lightbulb moments.
i've realised something very weird sometime these past days, and it was a total lightbulb moment: i am not dieting and working out in order to be a specific way on a specific day or to achieve a specific goal (look hot on day xy, make soandso love me) - i am doing this for life. this change is forever. i want to be fit and healthy and active for the rest of my life.
seriously - i hadn't fully realised this, how weird. this is my life now. this is what it will be like forever. chocolate and pizza will always be treats. for the rest of my life. and that's okay. this is not a change for a few weeks or months, this is forever. veges and fruit are my prime source of energy. i will be spending my free time on the treadmill and at the gym or running or cycling or doing a sport that i don't even know about yet. i will be washing triumph sports bras with every load of washing that i do. buy more running shoes. be able to buy clothes because they look awesome, not because they are the only thing i could get that fits.
at work today, i looked at some photos from last year, and i realised something else (another lightbulb moment, yay!): at 90kg? i was fat.
i'm not anymore. i'm not skinny yet, but i am not fat anymore. i look so much better and i feel so much better. the change in how i feel in the past two weeks, since joining the new gym, has been incredible. i love what my body looks like now, i love what it feels like now, that there are muscles in my legs that are firm and that my belly's got structure (at least a tiny little bit). it's so odd that i'm seeing so much change so quickly, it's like my body has been longing for this and is so happy about all the activity that he's complying so willingly. or maybe i am imagining things.
got two more compliments today: colleague c., who hasn't seen me in at least six months, asked me, whether i had lost weight. and t., who's the boss of my friend m., didn't recognize me. that's pretty awesome, i reckon.
i'm so curious about what i can (and will) achieve, fitness and weightwise; so curious as to what i will look like, in this new life of mine. (which is a weird notion, because i am already in the middle of it and all, and looking good, but still.) what will my body look like? can i ever get legs, that are all muscly and strong, without fat knees? can i get defined arms and a strong, firm belly? i guess i can. i'll most certainly give it a try. my best try, too.
it's all good. and so very easy. weeh!
seriously - i hadn't fully realised this, how weird. this is my life now. this is what it will be like forever. chocolate and pizza will always be treats. for the rest of my life. and that's okay. this is not a change for a few weeks or months, this is forever. veges and fruit are my prime source of energy. i will be spending my free time on the treadmill and at the gym or running or cycling or doing a sport that i don't even know about yet. i will be washing triumph sports bras with every load of washing that i do. buy more running shoes. be able to buy clothes because they look awesome, not because they are the only thing i could get that fits.
at work today, i looked at some photos from last year, and i realised something else (another lightbulb moment, yay!): at 90kg? i was fat.
i'm not anymore. i'm not skinny yet, but i am not fat anymore. i look so much better and i feel so much better. the change in how i feel in the past two weeks, since joining the new gym, has been incredible. i love what my body looks like now, i love what it feels like now, that there are muscles in my legs that are firm and that my belly's got structure (at least a tiny little bit). it's so odd that i'm seeing so much change so quickly, it's like my body has been longing for this and is so happy about all the activity that he's complying so willingly. or maybe i am imagining things.
got two more compliments today: colleague c., who hasn't seen me in at least six months, asked me, whether i had lost weight. and t., who's the boss of my friend m., didn't recognize me. that's pretty awesome, i reckon.
i'm so curious about what i can (and will) achieve, fitness and weightwise; so curious as to what i will look like, in this new life of mine. (which is a weird notion, because i am already in the middle of it and all, and looking good, but still.) what will my body look like? can i ever get legs, that are all muscly and strong, without fat knees? can i get defined arms and a strong, firm belly? i guess i can. i'll most certainly give it a try. my best try, too.
it's all good. and so very easy. weeh!
6/16/2009
9/07/2008
limboland.
it's been a bit weird this past week. i miss bikram and the bikram bruises and the bliss and i miss the bf and i miss time to move. i feel good and skinny, but for the first half of the week, quite likely due to constipation and some serious water retention (from the heat? the lack of sweating? the sitting at work?), on my wednesday weigh-in day, i weighed a kilo more than before i headed off to the bf. right now, the scale is showing a 75 before the comma, so no need to panic as of yet. i have been eating lots though, kinda continueing the eating i did at the bfs where i was sweating my ass off once for 90 minutes every day, and i am hungry, tired and bored. didn't go proper grocery shopping until saturday, really. not too awesome.
after an enjoyable drinking binge (3 radlers, 2 g&ts) on friday night with some friends, i've basically slept all weekend, made myself good meals and got my hair cut. am feeling better already, apart from the feeling i get looking at my wrecked appartment, which i totally need to clean up at little tonight. or a lot, actually. i didn't really feel particularly in control of my life this week.
one of my major motivations fell through this week, too. i'd been kinda goaling towards weighing 70kg in early november, when a friend was supposed to visit (to wow him and all), and this week, his trip overseas was postponed till next spring. i guess it's nice to have more time to look hot, but still. bit of a bummer.
oh well. my goals for this coming week:
go me!
after an enjoyable drinking binge (3 radlers, 2 g&ts) on friday night with some friends, i've basically slept all weekend, made myself good meals and got my hair cut. am feeling better already, apart from the feeling i get looking at my wrecked appartment, which i totally need to clean up at little tonight. or a lot, actually. i didn't really feel particularly in control of my life this week.
one of my major motivations fell through this week, too. i'd been kinda goaling towards weighing 70kg in early november, when a friend was supposed to visit (to wow him and all), and this week, his trip overseas was postponed till next spring. i guess it's nice to have more time to look hot, but still. bit of a bummer.
oh well. my goals for this coming week:
- eating 16 points every day (saving 4 every day);
- eating breakfast at work every day, preferrably veges or fruit;
- drinking enough water;
- taking my vitamin every morning at my desk; and
- finally doing turbo jam.
go me!
7/24/2008
disconnect.
i'd been feeling so great lately, smug even, about losing all this weight, just like that. a week and a half after wearing my skinny jeans for the first time in months, i can do every skinny-girl-in-training's fave trick: take them off without undoing the button and zipper.
and then i saw some photos someone took of me yesterday.
in one shot, i looked almost pregnant, my stomach pressing against the fabric of one of my fave asphalt coloured t-shirts, a shirt i'd registered in my head as almost too big. in another, i look stocky, dressed in a boxy black long sleeve and the too loose jeans. they are horrible, these pics. i hate that i look like this. that i still look fat. i'm not unpretty, but fat.
it's a total disconnect: anorexics look in the mirror and think they're fatter than they are. i look into the mirror and think that i am skinnier than i am.
i realised i still have such a long, long way to go with my weight loss, even if i'm almost halfweigh to goal, even if i weigh less than i have in 18 (?) months or so.
it's so odd. i think this disconnect stems from the fact that i ignored my weight for such a long time. for the past three months, i've been tracking my weight, when for ages before that, i never stepped on the scale, ever, for fear of what i'd see. i'm trying to reconstruct what i weighed when, to understand when and how i managed to gain all this weight, and why the hell i let it happen. how the hell did i get here?
it's sketchy, but i have some clues: i know that last august, i weighed about 84kg. from barely filled spreadsheets i created with every diet effort, i gather that the year before, in august 2006, i weighed 74kg. a year before that, after a year of extremely hard workouts and heartache, i was at my skinniest documented weight in recent years, hitting 69kg for a short little while in the fall of 2005. that's where i want to get back to. i liked my body back then.
but yeah, 14kg in three years, plus an extra five. 20kg. that is SO much weight. the possible culprits: my deskbound job, long hours, a complete lack of workouts, an overweight boyfriend, lots of emotional stress and the bakery downstairs from the office.
i still got the job, the long hours, the overweight boyfriend. the bakery is still there, but i've been avoiding it, and it's easy now. once you're out of the cheese roll and muffin-combo ever afternoon-habit, life is better. i have been working on reducing the emotional stress, telling people to get lost, but there have not been any (!) workouts yet. i got a turbojam dvd off ebay a few weeks ago after seeing the scarily awesome results that sundry mourning's linda got from it, but haven't done it once. haven't been to the gym in months, because it's too far from home and work and i am always exhausted after work. the only thing i've been up to is a couple of bikram classes when i'm at the boys', but that's it. but i absolutely need to start working out. otherwise, life will suck royally. because weight watchers now allots me a meagre 20 points, total. which is mean. and likely to drop further. so i need to workout to be able to eat more. and to feel better.
i know i feel so much better (and see results so quickly) when i work out. so why is it so hard to get myself moving?
gah.
in other news, i'm starting to get all paranoid. am i really losing weight? maybe it's just the battery in my scale dying slowly! maybe it's just my thyroid medication! maybe i don't need that medication to start with! maybe, maybe, maybe.
they're so very lame, these selfdoubts.
and then i saw some photos someone took of me yesterday.
in one shot, i looked almost pregnant, my stomach pressing against the fabric of one of my fave asphalt coloured t-shirts, a shirt i'd registered in my head as almost too big. in another, i look stocky, dressed in a boxy black long sleeve and the too loose jeans. they are horrible, these pics. i hate that i look like this. that i still look fat. i'm not unpretty, but fat.
it's a total disconnect: anorexics look in the mirror and think they're fatter than they are. i look into the mirror and think that i am skinnier than i am.
i realised i still have such a long, long way to go with my weight loss, even if i'm almost halfweigh to goal, even if i weigh less than i have in 18 (?) months or so.
it's so odd. i think this disconnect stems from the fact that i ignored my weight for such a long time. for the past three months, i've been tracking my weight, when for ages before that, i never stepped on the scale, ever, for fear of what i'd see. i'm trying to reconstruct what i weighed when, to understand when and how i managed to gain all this weight, and why the hell i let it happen. how the hell did i get here?
it's sketchy, but i have some clues: i know that last august, i weighed about 84kg. from barely filled spreadsheets i created with every diet effort, i gather that the year before, in august 2006, i weighed 74kg. a year before that, after a year of extremely hard workouts and heartache, i was at my skinniest documented weight in recent years, hitting 69kg for a short little while in the fall of 2005. that's where i want to get back to. i liked my body back then.
but yeah, 14kg in three years, plus an extra five. 20kg. that is SO much weight. the possible culprits: my deskbound job, long hours, a complete lack of workouts, an overweight boyfriend, lots of emotional stress and the bakery downstairs from the office.
i still got the job, the long hours, the overweight boyfriend. the bakery is still there, but i've been avoiding it, and it's easy now. once you're out of the cheese roll and muffin-combo ever afternoon-habit, life is better. i have been working on reducing the emotional stress, telling people to get lost, but there have not been any (!) workouts yet. i got a turbojam dvd off ebay a few weeks ago after seeing the scarily awesome results that sundry mourning's linda got from it, but haven't done it once. haven't been to the gym in months, because it's too far from home and work and i am always exhausted after work. the only thing i've been up to is a couple of bikram classes when i'm at the boys', but that's it. but i absolutely need to start working out. otherwise, life will suck royally. because weight watchers now allots me a meagre 20 points, total. which is mean. and likely to drop further. so i need to workout to be able to eat more. and to feel better.
i know i feel so much better (and see results so quickly) when i work out. so why is it so hard to get myself moving?
gah.
in other news, i'm starting to get all paranoid. am i really losing weight? maybe it's just the battery in my scale dying slowly! maybe it's just my thyroid medication! maybe i don't need that medication to start with! maybe, maybe, maybe.
they're so very lame, these selfdoubts.
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