credit, where credit is due. [#1]

i ended up working longer than expected today, and while waiting for the tram to take me to the gym (and then home), a tiny voice turned up in my head 'you'll be home so late tonight if you go to the gym right now, you totally deserve to go home asap. and you deserve a snack. pretzels, maybe.' yet before that crappy self-talk could turn into crappy action, i reminded myself that i had NO CHOICE about going to the gym, and the tram turned up and i read a few pages in the beck book (it really is like the big book for former fatties, innit?) and before i knew it, i was in the gym changing rooms, putting on my gym shoes.

and then i chugged out more metres than ever before on the rowing machine. and then i pushed myself really hard doing weights. and then i pushed myself on the arc trainer. and then i crawled to the stretching area, stretched for a good, long while. and then i crawled into the shower and into my clothes and then home. where the guy was cooking dinner for me. and i felt glorious. much better than if i had given in earlier tonight.

well done, me. well done.

hungryhungryhungryhungry.

i'm HUNGRY. right now. right this very moment.

because i most certainly haven't eaten enough protein and fat during the day today. and because eating chopped veggies with quark in the middle of winter for lunch just isn't satisfying enough. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? (well, i would have, if i had thought about it, that is.)

thankfully, the guy will be home soon. and then we will have dinner, asap, and all will be good. and i will feel awesome for not snacking before dinner, and for having dinner when hungry.

all this? is beck diet-thinking at work. even though i still haven't properly started the programme, with reading my flash cards, and whatnot. what i have changed, so far, however is this, just after reading the first part:

• i've started weighing myself once (and just once) every day, without judging, and writing down that weight;
• i've been planning my meals in the evening for the following day, written that plan down and then followed that plan;
• i've made an effort to eat more slowly;
• i've dealt with hunger, and let myself feel hunger, it's something i've been terribly afraid of while dieting, but it turns out i can deal with hunger, in lots of different ways (like by writing this blog post);
  
• i've defined times when i wanted to eat, and stuck to these times (using e.ggtimer, actually, to prevent myself from snacking right after meals before i'd had time to start feeling satisfied); and
  
• in challenging moments, i've reminded myself why i was abstaining, why i want to be skinny, why i like myself, told myself that i could do it, and gave myself credit.

i actually gave myself a shitload of credit this past week. for going to the gym. for working out. for choosing healthy meals. for sticking to my plans.

it sounds a bit stupid, really, but i rock, for doing all this. i am proud of myself for turning my life around, proud of the changes i have made and will continue to make. i'm proud i'm not crouching in front of the kitchen cupboard right now, chucking down wasabi peanuts by the handful. i can't wait to start cooking (as soon as the guy calls that he's leaving the shop).

one week kinda-in with beck, with barely one foot in the door, and so much is different already.

good stuff, me thinks.

but good grace, am i HUNGRY.

recovery.

i used to hate people who said "i'm still recovering from that...." days after something had happened to them. i was young, i had no clue. at some point yesterday i realised that i was still recovering from the week with the kids, and the just barely made deadlines, the pms, the everything else. last night, i hung out at home, cooked myself a decent meal and did nothing. nothing at all. and it felt great. and then i slept for a good seven hours or so. and felt even better. and yet even today, i am still recovering from that stress.

guess i'm getting old, harhar.

in any way, i'm in much better spirits right this very moment than i've been in a good long week or so. had an alright day at work, my first lunch break of the year with my friend e. and her adorable kid, went to the gym after work and cooked myself a great, carb-free dinner. and right now, i'm sipping my second cup of gourmet espresso and waiting for the guy to come home. it's all good.

i'm trying to be okay with the fact that i've been so upset with everything this past week because of frickin PMS, but doing so is surprisingly hard. it feels so ridiculous, really. and i feel like a total newbie dealing with it and all it's glory. which i guess i am, because i was on the pill for all my adult life. the pms i struggled with then was of a different kind, really, it had zero physical components, it just made me suicidal (and i'm totally not kidding, it was my then therapist who realised i was on the brink once every four weeks, like clockwork). right now, my body is apparently trying to get herself a proper cycle for the first time in, well, her whole life, and i'm kinda amazed by it, and freaked out. and a wee bit sad for me being so amazed and freaked out. i am 31, not 13. shouldn't i know this stuff already? (like: weight fluctuations? NORMAL! also: thank you, sandrelle, for your fabulous posts on weight and it's fluctuations, pt.1,2,3.)

yesterday, i started reading the beck diet for life, following in jen's footsteps. and i'm blown away by it already. it feels like just the thing i need, really: a training programme for my head. it's been so interesting to just read the first step, without actually doing the exercises yet (i like to know what i get myself into, after all): i've felt so much resistance against the book already, it's very telling. reading it has been a bit like reading diane's fabulous blog: it brings up so many of my own issues that it's a bit too close to comfort at times. which is, obviously, what makes it so very fabulous. in any way, so i'll start working through it, one skill at a time, once i'm done reading the first step. have started gathering my supplies. it will be grand.