square # whatever.

i got to start using this space again. because not using this space is not working anymore. tautology ftw! i've been struggling with being healthy, lately. which is good, i guess, because struggling means that you haven't given up yet, right? isn't that how the saying goes? fact is: life's been hectic in recent months, and with life being hectic came missed gym dates and crappy lunches and cake in the afternoon, because life's been so hectic. and then there were two wonderful holidays without workouts and three weeks looking after the kiddo, and then the time was switched over last weekend, and now it's dark, all of a sudden, and my clothes fit weird and i'm not feeling so great. also, this morning i got on the scale at my gp, and even though i swore that i didn't want to know the number, i saw it. so there. it's still different, life. and better, of course. i've just lost my track a bit, and i'm hungry, so hungry (haha!), to regain it. to be more conscious about everything again, above all myself and what's happening to me and how i'm making the best of everything. haven't been doing that lately, really. i suspect that my being hectic and my not looking after myself so well is an attempt to make myself miserable in the most easy way so that i've got something to spend my time on and don't get a chance to tackle the stuff that's actually important. or something. weird theory, that one, i admit. and yet. i ran a lot, this summer, spending 16 weeks preparing for a 10k. it was hard work, but it was worth it. i reached my goal of running the 10 in less than 60 minutes. running that much really burned me out though. i was barely able to do anything besides running, was always superhungry and while my stamina improved, the rest of my physical skills really declined. after the race, i took some time off running, started lifting weights again and did tons and tons of ashtanga (three or four classes a week), and that was fine and dandy, but then came the holidays and the stress, and now i've been sitting on my bum for weeks, being hormonal and miserable. speaking of hormones: i suspect it's my weight gain that's made my cycles all wonky, out of a sudden. they'd been quite alright and more or less regular from june 2010 till june 2011. maybe the weight i was then was the best weight for my wonky pcos-enhanced endocrine system. who knows. fact is: right now i'm not feeling too good, and i want to feel better. and clothes i want to wear without tugging on them all the time. and there's this half marathon that i want to run on april 1st and that i'll have to start training for in mid december. so i'll get back to basics: good old weight training three times a week & points counting. and i'll take it all from there. been there, done that, right?

cd154.

after six weeks of hormonal horror, i'm having a party for my hardworking uterus today. oh yes. thank you, uterus, for finally getting your act together. i am so very very proud of you! :)

in pufferfish mode.

this morning, i weighed 68,3kg.

i am trying very very hard not to be freaked out by it, and i am totally and utterly failing.  i'm obviously in total pufferfish-mode. i am on day 147 of my cycle (hahahaha! cycle!). it's suddenly warmed up significantly (finally 30°c yesterday). i drank too little these past few days. i had a carb heavy and kinda salty dinner. and also, this is just weight, a freaking number on the scale.

and yet.

i can see the fluid in my face and my arms and legs and feet and hands and especially my achy boobs (i am wearing a freaking sports bra today, to tame them). AND I HATE IT ALL. and my feet hurt. and i am SO FREAKING SCARED that this weight gain will not stop, and that i will magically balloon back to 90kg, just like i've magically gained these 5 or 6 or whatever kg these past months. and my dear old sugar-craving little brain keeps telling me to reach for the banana bread for comfort. as if that'd make ANYTHING better.

i've been hormonal and horrible for a whole MONTH now, and i've had enough. really. i wish my body worked. i wish i didn't have pcos. i wish i had a cycle. i wish i knew whatever my body is doing (or trying to do) that's causing these weight fluctuations. i wish i wasn't struggling with these freaking girl department infections again (just like last winter). i wish i could eat whatever i wanted. i wish i was normal.

but i'm not. so i got to calm down. change things that i can change. and keep on keeping on.

stuff i am doing to deal:

• work out - i've worked out yesterday and this morning, and i went for two long walks with the dog yesterday as well. more gym on wednesday, friday and saturday;
• tracking - still not totally back in the groove. i can do it!;
• see my crappy old gyno (can't do anything 'bout the cycle without giving me hormones, which i will not do, but can at least treat my infections)
• drinking a shitload of water (almost 2 litres down already!);
• taking my supplements, including the good mineral one that i got to take between meals,
• talking to r. about it; and
• quitting all cake and baked goods until my birthday on june 23rd.

stuff that i am considering doing:

• go swimming (won't really have time before the weekend, though);
• get abhyanga (ayurvedic oil massage);
• get a manual lymphatic drainage massage (will call a therapist offering that today to inquire); and
• get myself to an homeopath (downside: don't really believe in it; also: cost).

any other ideas, friends?

cd 50

well done, body!

[also: ouch!]

dear body, [#1]

first off: i love you. i'm so happy with what you and i have been up to over the past year and a half. you rock! now it's because of you're usual rock-ness that i'm a bit puzzled by you this week.

first off, you're once again not too fond of digesting food in a timely manner (thanks for finally deciding an hour ago to let go of the oatmeal that hat turned to bricks in my gut over the past three days though, that was lovely), then you request tons of sleep, you've obviously decided that you need to store water for something (because seriously: you and i, we haven't gained 2kg in the past three days), you crave to be fed with sweets and you've mysteriously given me some of my lost boobage back.

dearest body, could it be that you're trying to get our joint uterus ready to menstruate again? if so, i wholeheartedly congratulate your efforts, considering that it's only cd45, after all (last time, it was cd166!), which would be a stellar achievement for all of us involved. you can rest assured, body, that i wholeheartedly support all of your undertakings in regards to reproductive health. the diva cup and i excitedly await the result of your striving.

you can do it! but please just get over this pms-crap already.

much love,

c.

cd166

and on cycle day 166, my body decided it was time to menstruate again. hooray!

[also: ouch! and: now my whole freaking out-eating crap-thing over the weekend makes even more sense! weeh!]

exhaling.

the appointment at the fertility clinic this morning was pretty good, superlong wait aside. the first thing they did was write "NOT TTC" with a red sharpie on the first page of my brandnew file (phew). well done.

prof.pcos was inquistite but pretty neutral (if that makes sense). he did an ultrasound (that kinda looked like all of this) and ordered a bunch of tests, then took four vials of blood for a full hormone workup. i'll find out about the results in a week. and then we'll take it from there. good stuff. am significantly less stressed already. stuff is finally happening, yay!

in addition, that interview with ex-boy is done and published and he deemed it ok as well, and i'm happy that i don't have to listen to his voice via headphones anymore. and almost kinda somewhat looking forward to the show tomorrow. because a) i'll look so very awesome (25kg lighter and SO VERY UNATTAINABLE) and b) they'll play my two fave songs (got to request them, yes, really), and c) it'll feel oh so very good to ride home by myself after the show and climb into bed with my bf who's got his birthday on friday, too. got him a superawesome present, too.

so yeah. less stressed out. i was a ball of pure nervous energy this morning, pretty horrible. short workday today, too: got an appointment at my gym at 6pm. all good.

weigh-in woes.

last sunday, the scale showed 67,1kg. yesterday it was 67,5kg. this morning, it was 68kg. i decided not to cheat and typed 68kg into the weight watchers site this morning, and got that condescending little "it looks like you gained a little"-note.

my first 'gain' since may.

boo.

i should not be surprised, though. crappy eating this weekend, just two workout sessions last week (and i had to skip yesterday's scheduled session, because of working late), and crappy eating all day yesterday, despite my best intentions. i had sorbet twice, because it's superhot right now, and i feel all puffed up and yuck. pcos is giving me perpetual pms, i swear. cd 69 today. (conversation in our household last night, as i was looking at my cycle calendar: "i'm on cd 68, btw." "do you think you'll ever have a period ever again?" "no.")

but yeah. wake-up call. yadda, yadda, yadda. can't let my guard down. gotta step it up at notch. blablabla.

you know what? i hate this. i really, really, really do. i hate what the last few weeks have been like, weight-wise, and stress-wise, and sleep-wise. i am happy, yes, life is awesome, yes, but i am tired. and i need a holiday. not freaking sorbet. not bread.

i know that this fluctuation is nothing, normal, water, quite likely, not fat. i have not magically grown a kilo of fat on my hips overnight, or even over the past week. no way. but this weigh-in comes after being stuck at 67,something kg for three weeks. and i'm just tired of it all right now.

i want to lose these last few kilos, and it sucks that it's getting harder and that i'm so stressed out right now with work, that i've been planning so badly and getting hungry, and that i am tired, tired, tired. i've been letting down my guard, eating freaking bread (seriously, my downfall), and i just can't do that. not now. maybe never.

i need to try harder.

the bf reminded me, that even at goal (faraway, so close), i'd obviously have some weight fluctuations, because skinny people have those, and don't care, and i won't lose any sleep over this, but i'm PISSED OFF. at myself, obviously.

immediate measures:

• no more bread this week. none. i have to go cold turkey. they're my crack, those carbs. over the past few weeks, i'd let those tomato-mozzarella-whole wheat-rolls from the bakery down the road slide into my meals, like, three times a week. no more. they are not good for me. at all.
• slow down the snacking, unless it's fruit & veges. before i give in to those powerbars i keep in the fridge, i'll make myself wait 15 minutes to figure out whether i really want one.
• two full-programme gym trips - wednesday and saturday, i'll do my whole programme, including those 30minute-hypoxy-sessions. when in dropped those, a few weeks ago, my weight loss slowed down.
• in order to accomplish that, i need to get out of the office by 6pm. focus more during the workday, leave earlier.
• go do bed before midnight. and set the alarm no earlier than 7:30am.

i love myself. too much not to lose these past few kilos.