i am trying very very hard not to be freaked out by it, and i am totally and utterly failing. i'm obviously in total pufferfish-mode. i am on day 147 of my cycle (hahahaha! cycle!). it's suddenly warmed up significantly (finally 30°c yesterday). i drank too little these past few days. i had a carb heavy and kinda salty dinner. and also, this is just weight, a freaking number on the scale.
and yet.
i can see the fluid in my face and my arms and legs and feet and hands and especially my achy boobs (i am wearing a freaking sports bra today, to tame them). AND I HATE IT ALL. and my feet hurt. and i am SO FREAKING SCARED that this weight gain will not stop, and that i will magically balloon back to 90kg, just like i've magically gained these 5 or 6 or whatever kg these past months. and my dear old sugar-craving little brain keeps telling me to reach for the banana bread for comfort. as if that'd make ANYTHING better.
i've been hormonal and horrible for a whole MONTH now, and i've had enough. really. i wish my body worked. i wish i didn't have pcos. i wish i had a cycle. i wish i knew whatever my body is doing (or trying to do) that's causing these weight fluctuations. i wish i wasn't struggling with these freaking girl department infections again (just like last winter). i wish i could eat whatever i wanted. i wish i was normal.
but i'm not. so i got to calm down. change things that i can change. and keep on keeping on.
stuff i am doing to deal:
- work out - i've worked out yesterday and this morning, and i went for two long walks with the dog yesterday as well. more gym on wednesday, friday and saturday;
- tracking - still not totally back in the groove. i can do it!;
- see my crappy old gyno (can't do anything 'bout the cycle without giving me hormones, which i will not do, but can at least treat my infections)
- drinking a shitload of water (almost 2 litres down already!);
- taking my supplements, including the good mineral one that i got to take between meals,
- talking to r. about it; and
- quitting all cake and baked goods until my birthday on june 23rd.
stuff that i am considering doing:
- go swimming (won't really have time before the weekend, though);
- get abhyanga (ayurvedic oil massage);
- get a manual lymphatic drainage massage (will call a therapist offering that today to inquire); and
- get myself to an homeopath (downside: don't really believe in it; also: cost).
any other ideas, friends?
2 comments:
big hug my lovely pal.
sounds like your list is more than enough ideas to keep you going - but don't beat yourself up if you don't manage them all at once! like tracking your food - maybe focus on doing that, without worrying about or judging what you actually eat, just taking it all down for a day to get back into that habit... then once you're back into that rhythm think more about what foods you could tweak. when you're in a rough patch it's good to be kind to yourself as they say xxox
thank you, shauny. you're spot on about the kindness. thank you for the reminder.
't was all a bit much this morning. (and i swear, the yelling? that was the pms.) i'm taking it all one step at a time, so today has been pretty good so far. wrote down what i ate. booked myself for that lymphatic drainage massage. and i am breathing. kinda forgot about that one.
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