missing bikram.

i actually skipped a goal on saturdays' post.

#4 - bikram yoga
i want to have a dedicated bikram yoga practice. and train to become a bikram yoga teacher, as soon as i've had a solid practice for at least 18 months.

why did i skip that one? because right now, i just don't see how that might be attainable. there is, quite simply, no bikram studio round here, and none in sight, either, even though this town with it's large population of aging 68'ers and students would be perfect for one.

until i get a regular studio practice (you can do it by yourself, but it's just not the same without the heat and the group energy), i can't do teachers' training (which i couldn't afford time nor money wise anyway). while doing yoga during our trip this past week, in the bright sunshine on the porch of e. & l.'s house, with red earth on my mat and bikram's dialogue in my ear, i realised just how much i miss moving that way.

it sounds so corny, but bikram yoga turned my life around. i went to my first class (in the town where my ex lived) at almost 90kg in march 2008, and that class? made me want to eat better, be skinnier, healthier.

i thought that i was dying during my first class. the second class had me longing for apples. and after my third class i wrote: "today, during my third class, i understood that bikram, the intensity, the heat, the sweat, is just what i need right now. 'you can't run away from your body', the instructor said, and she's right, obviously. i looked at and worked with my body today and it was incredibly hard and incredibly satisfying. and sweaty. i'll go again tomorrow." that, people? that makes me weep. i had no clue back then, just where i was headed on this journey. and how long and hard (and eventually satisfying) looking at and working with my body would be.

"never too late, never too old, never too bad, never too sick...to start from scratch and begin once again." that quote by bikram was on my very first 'ten days for ten euros'-membership card to my former studio. and that quote? is spot on. i was this close to giving up on myself, my body, my health. but i didn't. because the yoga showed me, that i could work my way to a clean slate again.

truth be told, i have no idea just how i got through class back then. i was so unfit. so heavy. but i did. i was also unhappy in so many ways back then, a tight ball of sadness that struggled mightily in camel pose. but bikram yoga? made me feel better. and showed me that i could feel better, if at first only for that hour or two directly after class, the post-bikram high.

i long for the hot floor, the studio, the teachers, the other people in class. i miss my fave spot in front row, right corner, under the heater. i was so sad when i went to what i knew was going to be my last class, just before i left the ex. i still get incredibly sad when i get the email newsletter from my former studio. i miss it so much.

bikram yoga feels so natural to me, as if my body was made to move and be challenged that way. during my solo practice last week, it was nice to realise that some poses are much easier now that i've lost some weight; like eagle - i can slide my legs much better these days.

i will not give up on this goal, though. i will try to incorporate bikram yoga into my life by doing one class a fortnight by myself at home (better than nothing, and a do-able time commitment) and going to real classes whenever i get the chance, mainly when travelling to berlin or hamburg. i'll try to fit in one longer berlin trip sometime this winter, and will go to class every day then (even though the berlin studio is nowhere near as good as my old one).

i'm sure one day the rest will fall into place somehow.