in pufferfish mode.

this morning, i weighed 68,3kg.

i am trying very very hard not to be freaked out by it, and i am totally and utterly failing.  i'm obviously in total pufferfish-mode. i am on day 147 of my cycle (hahahaha! cycle!). it's suddenly warmed up significantly (finally 30°c yesterday). i drank too little these past few days. i had a carb heavy and kinda salty dinner. and also, this is just weight, a freaking number on the scale.

and yet.

i can see the fluid in my face and my arms and legs and feet and hands and especially my achy boobs (i am wearing a freaking sports bra today, to tame them). AND I HATE IT ALL. and my feet hurt. and i am SO FREAKING SCARED that this weight gain will not stop, and that i will magically balloon back to 90kg, just like i've magically gained these 5 or 6 or whatever kg these past months. and my dear old sugar-craving little brain keeps telling me to reach for the banana bread for comfort. as if that'd make ANYTHING better.

i've been hormonal and horrible for a whole MONTH now, and i've had enough. really. i wish my body worked. i wish i didn't have pcos. i wish i had a cycle. i wish i knew whatever my body is doing (or trying to do) that's causing these weight fluctuations. i wish i wasn't struggling with these freaking girl department infections again (just like last winter). i wish i could eat whatever i wanted. i wish i was normal.

but i'm not. so i got to calm down. change things that i can change. and keep on keeping on.

stuff i am doing to deal:
  • work out - i've worked out yesterday and this morning, and i went for two long walks with the dog yesterday as well. more gym on wednesday, friday and saturday;
  • tracking - still not totally back in the groove. i can do it!;
  • see my crappy old gyno (can't do anything 'bout the cycle without giving me hormones, which i will not do, but can at least treat my infections)
  • drinking a shitload of water (almost 2 litres down already!);
  • taking my supplements, including the good mineral one that i got to take between meals,
  • talking to r. about it; and
  • quitting all cake and baked goods until my birthday on june 23rd.
stuff that i am considering doing:
  • go swimming (won't really have time before the weekend, though);
  • get abhyanga (ayurvedic oil massage);
  • get a manual lymphatic drainage massage (will call a therapist offering that today to inquire); and
  • get myself to an homeopath (downside: don't really believe in it; also: cost).
any other ideas, friends?


Shauna said...

big hug my lovely pal.
sounds like your list is more than enough ideas to keep you going - but don't beat yourself up if you don't manage them all at once! like tracking your food - maybe focus on doing that, without worrying about or judging what you actually eat, just taking it all down for a day to get back into that habit... then once you're back into that rhythm think more about what foods you could tweak. when you're in a rough patch it's good to be kind to yourself as they say xxox

caro said...

thank you, shauny. you're spot on about the kindness. thank you for the reminder.

't was all a bit much this morning. (and i swear, the yelling? that was the pms.) i'm taking it all one step at a time, so today has been pretty good so far. wrote down what i ate. booked myself for that lymphatic drainage massage. and i am breathing. kinda forgot about that one.