still overweight.

but just barely.

these have been fab weeks. i'm down to 72,9kg, some mornings. thank you, stress. 72,9kg. weeh.

i only realised this week that my bmi was 31 when i started. now it's 25. i'll soon be below that for the first time in my adult life. yes, the whole bmi thing is faulty and fucked up, but still, i can't wait for someone to put the "normal" label on me. i hadn't realised that at 31, i was considered obese. obese. looking back at it? yes, a bmi of 31 on me? is obese.

i've been feeling pretty fabulous lately. maybe it's the higher synthroid dose kicking in or something; i feel alive and fit but sleep too little. and i am wearing clothes i bought years and years ago. and almost everything is too large. yesterday, i wore a grey corduroy skirt that i bought in the fall of 2005 and it was too roomy. crazy. i very urgently need some new jeans. my skinny pair that i first re-wore on july 14? almost unwearable now. they are baggy and slide off me.

i am starting to like my body again. i look at it in the mirror again. i take care of it, i shave and exfoliate and moisturize and i love it when someone touches me. it's good, all good.

last night though, i ate out of stress, for the first time in months. it's been an emotionally stressful few days (and rightfully so, i'm turning my whole life around), so last night, in a foul mood and when buying toilet paper, i bought some semolina pudding baby food and wasabi peanuts. and i ate them in bed, like back in the fat days. and i felt somewhat better afterwards.

i need to watch this: medicating with food is a bad, bad idea, and a habit i don't want to get back into. now, this was once, and the situation was (and is) pretty damn horrible and another reason for the tiny binge is that i just got back from a business trip this week and just haven't been grocery shopping properly yet. i'm forgiving myself on that one.

anyway. project for this weekend: quite possibly buying some cheapo jeans at h&m to get me through the next few weeks. i'll buy them a wee bit too small to make them last somewhat longer. can't wait, really.

yawn.

i've been working lots and sleeping little. staying below my points today? impossible. maxed out o them. the day was so long and i was so very hungry. nothing too terrible happened, but still.

anyway, goals.

goal check for today

• eating 16 points every day (saving 4 every day) - FAIL! saved none. long day. superhungry. had two pretzels. but didn't finish my dinner.
  
• eating breakfast at work every day, preferrably veges or fruit - SUCCEED - had organic carrots and curt. yum.
  
• drinking enough water - SUCCEED - had more than 2l at work
  
• taking my vitamin every morning at my desk - SUCCEED
  
• finally doing turbo jam - not yet

deliriously happy.

i can't get over how much fun it is these day to put on clothes. a few months ago, i would grab whatever was kinda clean and would hide my lovehandles. mostly jeans and shirts. black shirts. and i felt yuck. my bras hurt me, and i couldn't wait to get out of them in the evening. i jumped out of my jeans at the first chance i got, too.

now i wear leggings, and pants i haven't worn in years and dresses and skirts and colourful shirts and fitted tops. and i love getting dressed.

just saying.

today: those get me laid pants, ballerinas, a grey flowy top, a bright blue scarf, a grey hoodie that had always been too tight. yesterday i wore a skirt that i bought in 2002. ha.

yay. anyway. as to yesterdays goals:


goal check for today

• eating 16 points every day (saving 4 every day) - FAIL! saved none. we had m&ms a work. and i didn't get any dinner till 11, when all i could manage were some fried noodles from the thai take away. oh well.
  
• eating breakfast at work every day, preferrably veges or fruit - SUCCEED - had organic carrots and curt. yum.
  
• drinking enough water - SUCCEED - had more than 2l at work
  
• taking my vitamin every morning at my desk - SUCCEED
  
• finally doing turbo jam - not yet

74,8kg.

i even got a stern little text from ww online about "losing to quickly". which was funny, considering last week (when i was all watered and stopped up and 1 kg up) i got the guilt inducing weight gain text. sometime i want to yell at ww: "chill the eff out, by now i know what i am doing."

what's good: i've already lost the weight i still need to lose. i've got an idea how much (or rather: how little) 9kg is. back in the middle of june i weighed about 9kg more than i do now (and already felt splendid). that's not that long ago and getting from there to here was actually kinda easy. it's just what i do now, that points counting and carrot and broccoli eating-thing.

who would have thought.

reward.

got my reward today.



had kinda forgotten (in the eight years since i got my last piercing), that getting one is like getting a new pet: there's a lot of the tender loving care you need to give it to get it settled in alright. ahem.

only hurt for a tiny moment when it was put it (the needle felt good, the jewellry didn't) and even the pressure these first 12 hours has been alright. good stuff.

goal check for today

• eating 16 points every day (saving 4 every day) -SUCCEED - saved six today!
  
• eating breakfast at work every day, preferrably veges or fruit - SUCCEED - had an organic smoothie, didn't eat enough during the day because of super stressful workday, but at least something!
  
• drinking enough water - SUCCEED - had more than 2l at work
  
• taking my vitamin every morning at my desk - SUCCEED
  
• finally doing turbo jam - not yet

ch-ch-ch-changes.

i just tried on a pair of black pants i bought in march 2005, and which i pretty much wore constantly for the next few months. it's a pair of size 10 black pants. and they fit. now. rather perfectly, too. holy. shit.

i wore these pants all through 2005, and in 2006, to lots of nights out with my best friend, and these pants got me laid, more than once as well.

and now i get to wear them again.

wow.

i don't know why this freaks me out so much. i think subconsciously, i haven't really grasped that i am indeed losing weight, and have already lost a lot and currently weigh about what i've weighed most of my adult life, a perfectly okay weight. maybe it is because i hardly get feedback from anyone. it's just me, my scale, my mirror, my clothes. i think part of me - physical disconnect and all - still fears that i am just imagining this. but i am not. wow. i got my black pants back. hooray.

i noticed a definite change on friday, being out and about with some casual friends: i kept getting hit on, and i felt beautiful. and looked good in photos one of them kept snapping. happiness. yes.

[i just tried on my skinniest piece of clothing, a thrifted high waisted woolen pleated skirt that i wore in january 2006 as part of a costume for a party. it is still way too tight, but i can zip it up all the way. and close the button. weeh.]

rewarding myself with a rook.

i'm feeling all smug now: this morning, the scale showerd 74,8kg. holy shit. 14,5kg lost. 9,8 kg to go. one digit in front of the comma. awesomeness. let's hope it's the same (or less) on wednesdays's weigh-in. i weighed this much (or little, rather), in the spring of 2005, when i started dating a particular jerk. i should try on some clothes from back then.

i'd been planning on buying a pair of jeans once i hit 75kg, but i've changed my mind, because it's not really worth yet, with my continually shrinking body. i decided to reward myself in a non-food, non-clothes way with a piercing this week: i'll be getting a rook in my right ear, where i already have a helix one, on wednesday. or maybe tomorrow. only got the idea today, really, talking to a piercer i know, who looked at my ear and suggested it was very well formed for a rook. i'm kinda thrilled. i haven't gotten a piercing in eight years, thinking i'd run out of spots (hate facial piercings, hate tongue piercings, not into genital piercings, sad about not having tiny nipples for that proper nipple piercing look). so awesome, that i haven't, really. i should not be allowed on bmezine.com; i've been ogling rook, trag and nipple piercings all day. especially the latter is kinda stupid, as nipple piercings make me all nostalgic about sex with an exaffair. shouldn't go there.

in any way, today was a good day. and i'm excited about that piercing. yay.

goal check for today

• eating 16 points every day (saving 4 every day) - FAIL - only saved 2,5 - had a 3 point choc bar this arvo, gah.
  
• eating breakfast at work every day, preferrably veges or fruit - SUCCEED - had a pretzel for brekkie and lots of yummy organic carrots with curd for an early lunch
  
• drinking enough water - SUCCEED - had 1,5l at work, will have at least one more litre tonight
  
• taking my vitamin every morning at my desk - FAIL - forgot about it, plain and simple
  
• finally doing turbo jam - not yet

missing sex.

so. sex.

there hasn't been much in my life lately. the bf and i are kinda having a sexless relationship at the moment. and part of the reason is weight. not mine really (even though my libido has been creeping up again since losing weight and doing bikram), but his. and i worries me. tremendously.

you know, the bf is overweight. i don't know what he weighs, but if you look at photos of him from three, four years ago (back before i met him, before he got married and divorced and stressed out at work), you hardly recognize him. he's gained lots of weight. i'd guess 30, 40kg. his stature is big anyway (broad shoulders and all), but he's got a big belly and lots of back rolls these days. he started ww shortly after me, and has lost about 6kg since then, which you can see. so he's working on it, and that's fab. plus i love him, i fell in love knowing him this way. however, as we're moving closer to moving in together and committing even more, and i wonder, whether i can ever be fully happy and content with the physical side of our relationship.

i've read somewhere that being overweight lowers the libido for men, from a purely physical side. fat stores estrogen, estrogen lowers libido. pretty simple, really.

now, the problem is two-fold. for starters, we have totally different libidos anyway. if i could, i'd have sex twice every day. at least. i love sex. it's one of the nicest things you can do with the person you love. he's fine with sex once every two weeks. or less. he thinks cuddling is much more important for a relationship anyway. i love that cuddling, it's great, but i wish he wanted me. longed for me.

eff. this hurts.

limboland.

it's been a bit weird this past week. i miss bikram and the bikram bruises and the bliss and i miss the bf and i miss time to move. i feel good and skinny, but for the first half of the week, quite likely due to constipation and some serious water retention (from the heat? the lack of sweating? the sitting at work?), on my wednesday weigh-in day, i weighed a kilo more than before i headed off to the bf. right now, the scale is showing a 75 before the comma, so no need to panic as of yet. i have been eating lots though, kinda continueing the eating i did at the bfs where i was sweating my ass off once for 90 minutes every day, and i am hungry, tired and bored. didn't go proper grocery shopping until saturday, really. not too awesome.

after an enjoyable drinking binge (3 radlers, 2 g&ts) on friday night with some friends, i've basically slept all weekend, made myself good meals and got my hair cut. am feeling better already, apart from the feeling i get looking at my wrecked appartment, which i totally need to clean up at little tonight. or a lot, actually. i didn't really feel particularly in control of my life this week.

one of my major motivations fell through this week, too. i'd been kinda goaling towards weighing 70kg in early november, when a friend was supposed to visit (to wow him and all), and this week, his trip overseas was postponed till next spring. i guess it's nice to have more time to look hot, but still. bit of a bummer.

oh well. my goals for this coming week:

• eating 16 points every day (saving 4 every day);
  
• eating breakfast at work every day, preferrably veges or fruit;
  
• drinking enough water;
  
• taking my vitamin every morning at my desk; and
  
• finally doing turbo jam.

go me!