so.

"so." i say, every morning, after lingering longer than i should when kissing the guy goodbye in the morning, when i finally get up to go. sometimes, it takes more than one "so." i noticed these past few days that i say this tiny word with a really annoying tone in my voice, full of dread and boredom and forced activity and fake cheeriness. i hope you can imagine it, as i pick up my poor old weight loss blog.

so.

everything's been a bit rough round here. i'm generally happy, yes, but i was swamped at work, we had the kids staying over, i was travelling a lot, there were houseguests, hormones (hello, cd 141!) and emotional eating.

so.

and i've finally admitted defeat and taken charge again. the way i'd been eating lately just hasn't been working. today, the scale showed 66.8kg, and while i am sure a bit of that is hormonal/water weight/what have you, it is still a whopping 5kg more than my lowest weight, back in january, and 3kg more than what i feel comfy with.

i can see these 3kg, in my thighs, and my bum and my belly. and i don't need them and don't want them, and so i'm back to properly counting points again.

i should have done that right after my holidays in march, actually. instead, i fell into a comfy hole padded with fluffy oatmeal and nuts and cake. i've not only been performing the search for the perfect lärabar replacement, and really: while they're yummy, i should eat fruits and nuts, not fruit and nuts bars, and planning badly, and eating too large portions and too much chocolate and too much cake. and on top of that, i've been stressed out at work and worrying about stuff (mainly related to my & our living situation), and that had me eating as well, which is above silly and pointless and just doesn't get me anywhere.

i kept saying that i wanted to start, to kick those final kgs, to fight to the finish, what have you, but i just didn't have it in me. i was just too tired of the challenge. and also, a good part of it was "damn, i deserve some new york cheesecake." which was the stupidest thought of them all, because ny cheesecake is no birthright, and yes, it's yummy (especially made this way), but it's not a food group, it's not even real food. it's a treat. i should treat it that way.

so. i'm back to eating really well, back to my old fave foods that helped me lose weight in the first place. no more cheesecake, for now, no more bars. no more chocolate, besides my lovingly portioned 10g of premium choc with my nightly espresso. i ate this way today, lots of fruits, and greek yoghurt, and a fab 101 cookbooks dinner tonight, and i felt satisfied and well fed and happy all day. eating well, watching what i eat is no punishment. it is an expression of self-love. i got to remind myself of that.

above all, i am trying not to freak out because of this setback. it is, quite simply, proof that a) by losing weight i've not magically transformed into a skinny person, i.e. someone who can eat whatever she wants and b) i medicate with food instead of dealing with my issues. i need to be change that. it is supremely unhealthy.

to finish this off, however, i really don't want to overanalyze these past few weeks though. that'd just be a manifestation of a "i'm struggling"-mindset. instead, i want
to focus on all the good stuff i'm doing to feel better again. which is a wee bit hard right now, because on top of everything, i've been struggling with a major head cold since friday.

but today was a good start. tomorrow will be just as good. or even better.