2009 in review.

1. what did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
stand on mont ventoux. go on holidays with a partner. drive through peage on a frensh auto-route. be faithful. run a 5k. fit into skinny jeans. buy clothes in sizes 36 and 38 and small. go to a tattoo convention.

2. did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i kept them all. but then, my resolutions were pretty simple: one was related to my relationship (and was kept), another one was reading at least 20 books (read 27), and the third and last was taking part in (and finishing) project 365 on flickr. i'll write my new ones down on january first.

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
my bf's sister gave birth to an adorbale new niece, emma.

4. did anyone close to you die?
my dear old cat.

5. what countries did you visit?
france, switzerland, luxemburg

6. what would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
more staying power when it comes to challenging stuff at work, and more focus during and fun there. i also want to become more reliable and better at staying in touch with people.

7. what dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
none, really. no drama, no nightmares.

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
it's so silly, really, but it was indeed finally losing all that weight.

9. what was your biggest failure?
overtraining out of excitement. same old, same old. so glad though, that i didn't use that as an excuse to stop altogether!

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
yup. hurt my knees by running too much and resting too little, still struggling with tension and nerve pain in my shoulder and having way too much fun with various little recurring infections. but it's all small stuff, really.

11.what was the best thing you bought?
the best money i spent was certainly on the rental car for our holidays in france.

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
the boyfriends', obviously. he's been a continous source of support, fun and excitement all year. and mine. i did pretty damn well this year.

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
someone i worked with. but those days are over, woohoo!

14. where did most of your money go?
the trip to france, various other travel and new clothes, oh yes!

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
running!

16. what song will always remind you of 2009?




17. compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? thinner
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. what do you wish you’d done more of?
holidays, obviously. and i wish i'd visited my parents earlier and more often.

19. what do you wish you’d done less of?
nothing, really.

20. how did you spend christmas?
with the bf, not celebrating, as we did last year. it was awesome.

21. did you fall in love in 2009?
every day a little more.

22. what was your favorite tv program?
tatort, a german crime show. and a crappy reality tv dating show about single farmers. 't was the only telly i watched.

23. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
nope. i generally don't hate anymore.

24. what was the best book you read?
sibylle berg. der mann schläft.

25. what was your greatest musical discovery?
julian plenti.

26. what did you want and get?
a fit and strong body. a mirror ball for my flat.

27. what did you want and not get?
nothing, really.

28. what was your favorite film of this year?
michael haneke's 'the white ribbon'.

29. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 31. and i had a fun night out at a local bar, dj-ing with my pal m., pretending we were celebrating the luxemburg natioal holiday.

30. what’s the one things that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
my wonderful relationship.

31. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
dresses! skirts! leggings! tights! for the first time in my life, i own fun clothes and really enjoy coming up with awesome ways to wear stuff. i love to dress up now. oh yes. tonight, i'll be wearing shiny black leggings, like so. and a jumper as a dress. i've obviously lost my mind.

32. what kept you sane?
my wonderful relationship.

33. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
julian plenti/paul banks.

34. what political issue stirred you the most?
nuclear energy.

35. who did you miss?
my pal s., in faraway berlin.

36. who was the best new person you met?
s. from munich. i should really make an effort to become friends with her.

37. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
you can do pretty much anything, if you really really want to.

38. quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
it's getting better all the time.

inspiration. [#9]

"i don’t love broccoli, and i don’t love the treadmill, but i love the way i feel when i’m healthy and strong. it empowers me in all facets of my life. so remember, that although something may not be fun in the moment, remind yourself of the ultimate reward, and allow that to motivate you through the tough times."

jillian michael [via move your booty|losing weight in the city]

[and i actually love broccoli.]

goals for the week. [#4]

my weight on sunday morning:



how was my week?

my week was good! i really enjoyed christmas and could actually use another christmas asap. and hey: i reached my goal weight. go me!

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - had whole-wheat bread once, on wednesday, as an emergency measure, ha, to get my stomach moving again; that tastes alright (nowhere near as awesome as i had imagines), and worked okay; but that was that
• no booze - totally easy; only downside - i felt like a smug idiot when everyone started being incoherent at our christmas eve get-together
• ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up
• enjoy christmas - done; and
• maintain - failed this one, ha. :) yay for losses, yay for reaching goals!

nsv of the week:
hiking a hill with the dog on yesterdays' walk that left me totally out of breath and winded and unhappy exactly a year ago. and was now easy-peasy.

what will i do this week?

work monday, tuesday and wednesday. i'll be cooking dinner tonight, we'll prolly be going out to dinner tomorrow and i'll be having no carb night by myself on wednesday. we will spend new years' in zurich, which is always total mayhem - not just, because of the hard partying, actually. last year, we ate raclette for 4 hours straight. and again for breakfast. on friday, the guy and i will travel back, hang out at home on saturday (he's got the day off work), and on sunday, the half-sibs of his daughter will come to visit for a week, which will be more of a time-challenge than anything else.

the biggest challenge is definitely new years'. i'll bring some alcohol-free drinks, and some okay snacks, so that i won't freak out and so that some things that i want will be available.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
• wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them;
• get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals; and
• enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling.

possibly the worst photo ever taken of me.

it's been 618 days, 27,5kg and 5 dress sizes since this picture was taken.

what freaks me out the most, however, is that i actually thought that i looked good then. and i really didn't.

i'm having lots of weird moments of residual shame and sadness right now, looking at photos from my fat days - you know the ones, the ones that just barely escaped the delete-button, the ones other people took and emailed, the ones that are not on flickr.

it's so odd to think: that was me. i still own the very same body that looked that way. i'm so sad about having been that way. and so sad about feeling so crappy about my former self.

it's all a wee bit much sometimes, this change.

now that i've lost weight... [#7]

wearing stuff in layers is fun!

i never wore layers in my fat days and never got how people could stand wearing plenty of layers. doing so made me supremely uncomfy. i always felt constricted and bulked up and horrible when wearing more than one layer.

i was also often cold.

those days are over. right now, i'm wearing aa winter leggings (oh, i love you!) and socks and legwarmers and a cami and a dress and a cardigan and a scarf. oh, the options!

61,8kg

arbitrary number? totally. still awesome to reach it?
oh yes, indeed.

[and yay for not-stressing over christmas, eating white chocolate mousse and lasagna and still losing weigh. oh yes. and now i want to find my happy space between 60 and 62kg somewhere.]

to lose or not to lose.

i'm at a supremely weird stage in my weight loss right now, at one pound away from goal (or so). the closer i get, the more i wonder what (if anything at all) that goal actually means. the answer i get to on most days is: nothing. it's just a number. a number that i kinda randomly chose. a number that is not important at all. a number that doesn't mean anything.

because very little will change, once i see that number on the scale. and because, in so many ways, i have already reached whatever goal i had. i am already there. no: here.

i can (and do!) buy clothes everywhere, in smalls and 38s, and sometimes in 36s, and as a result i own a shitload of beautiful clothes and i dress up each and every day. i work out three times a week and it makes me feel strong and badass and awesome, and i love the sweat and the hard work. i don't feel self-conscious about my body anymore. i weigh between 62 and 63kg, my bmi is 22 and my body fat around 20%. and i can run 5k in 26:10 minutes (if i have to).

and all that is very, very, very odd. these past few weeks have had me in shock about what i look like these days. it's like i haven't looked in the mirror since june or so (but believe me, i have), but there's this skinny person looking back at me, and it is me. and when i say skinny, i actually mean it. i'm pretty lean, apart from my thighs. my chest has got bony bits in them, my arms have got definition and (when not constipated) my belly is flat and muscly.

on thursday at a christmas get-together a friend of mine whom i hadn't seen in a while worriedly asked me whether i "still had that weight loss thing under control". that same day, another friend asked me, whether "i still wanted to lose even more weight". the bf reckons i should be done as well. and this morning at the gym, pt thomas (whom i hadn't seen in a while) said "so that plan we got you is working, eh?" and it is. and it has.

now. what do i want? what do i want to look like, what do i want to achieve fitness-wise, what do i want to weigh? i'm still not sure.

my head is full of various non-scale goals for 2010: 5ks, 10ks, being able to do a real pull-up, that mini-tri. but what else do i want? what does all that mean?

i'm still not sure.