"normal".

so i went bra shopping yesterday. and despite all my blabber the other day, that i was totally alright with my newly smaller boobs, i stood in the department store changing room in a super awesomely fitting 75c(34c) bra, and was a bit freaked out. and - well - sad.

i'm normal now, boobwise. there is no more boob spillage, no more boob abundance. my upper body is lean and kinda muscly, and the boobs that are attached to it are totally and utterly normal size. maybe even a bit on the small side, actually. all that's a wee bit odd. because i was never normal, and my boobs were always larger than normal; often significantly larger than normal. just like the rest of me.

and now, i'm normal. whatever that is, anyway.

the results of monday's superawesome weigh-in at the gym felt really good. both my bmi and my body fat are within normal range now. and i really can't get over it: normal. i was never normal, ever. and now i am. how very very odd.

can't wait to spend a few hours trying on clothes at h&m. i have no idea where i am, clotheswise, especially pants wise, as pretty much all my regular clothes are too big now, even the size m's. oh yeah.

bye bye boobies.

my boobs have gone missing. for good, i assume.

at the end of april, on the day that the bf closed his shop, i bought a new bra. it was a strapless triumph one, and i got a proper consultation and measurement for it. it also scared me shitless. because the size of that contraption? 75e (34dd).

it's way to big now. way way way too big. the cups have folds on their undersides and all, and i have to close the band at it's tightest level. still wore it today. because it's the only (60 euro worth) strapless bra that i have. all my other, mostly 75d (34d) bras, are to big as well, including my two recently aquired, super awesome triaction sports bras. the latter are okay to wear, still, but all those regular bras are not.

i never got why women hated underwire bras. turns out i was quite simply always well padded enough to not be bothered by them. but that padding is gone now, and those underwires poke everywhere. it's especially evil between my boobs, where they rub and move on my sternum and hurt surprisingly bad. it's also freaking annoying and i was that bra tugging woman all day today. it's something that i hate, btw, that bra tugging. makes me feel very self-conscious and bra-challenged.

the loss of the boobs themselves, however, isn't impacting me that much. sure, it's a bummer that they're even less perky now, and kinda deflated, but those smaller boobs surely have surely improved my general silhouette and make me look a lot smaller than i used to be. i guess it helps that i got my nipples pierced, last winter - i've loved my boobs more than ever before, since then (nicer, more visible nipples, yay!). can't really pinpoint why, maybe because they've got so much more personality now. or something.

in any way, i'll be buying some new bras this week. one strapless one and one regular one, for now. who knows if those boob will continue to shrink? no idea, what size i'll need. maybe 70c?

[also: have no idea, what the rest of my body is like, either. i totally need to head out to the shops to try some things on. ordered a dress from frontline - where i still had some store credit after a dress i had ordered a few weeks ago turned out to be giant - and wasn't sure what size to get. chose an m. wondering whether it'll fit.]

woah!

reality check.

well. i just realised today that the munchies were not without effect on my eating after all: i went above points three times this week. once on tuesday (by effing NINE POINT FIVE) through pizza and sorbet with a friend (should have had pasta and no sorbet), on thursday with RICE CAKES (by two points) because the boyfriend got home so very late for dinner and i was starving and then yesterday with our killer 'as fast food as we get'-dinner of fish fingers and potatoes. by seven points. crazy.

so yeah. considering how much i've worked out (38 points worth), and the fact i've saved points on other days (total save this week, depending on what i eat for the rest of the day somwhere between 24 or 28) this isn't a real drama or anything. but i certainly let things slide a tiny little bit this week, foodwise and that HAS TO STOP, because the next weeks will quite likely not be as awesome, gym-wise, with all the upcoming travels and whatnot.

immediate goals for this coming week:

* no more whole wheat bread lunches
* eat at least one piece of fruit/vege as a snack
* wait at least an hour after brekkie before eating again (have been chucking down protein bars right after my carrots lately)

should be easy enough, shouldn't it?

the munchies.

two weeks ago, it was the hunger. now i'm struggling with the munchies. i have this bizarre urge to shove stuff into my mouth constantly right now. i am resisting quite well, actually, but running out of points by eating, well, not much. not sure, what's to blame - lack of protein? is that whole wheat bread i've been eating making me this ravenous? (maybe being pretty much breadless is better for me after all?) or maybe it's that perpetual state of pms that i am in, being on cd 40+ (or whatever)? (thanks for nothing pcos!)

whatever is to blame: i hate it. hate it. hate it. hate it.

things are alright, still, though. i'm holding up, following ww while being pretty much not-stressed about it and had two pretty much perfect work outs this week. i just need to add some more variety in my diet. and some more stuff that actually fills me up. i've been eating pretty high fiber this week, and that's messing with my weigh-ins - and despite the fiber, i'm pretty stopped up, yet again (but when i'm not, it's pretty impressive) and whatnot.

kinda expecting that there won't be a loss this coming sunday (not surprising, really, as last weeks number was a wee bit too dehydrated-low or whatnot, anyway).

oh well. i'll keep doing what i'm doing right. and improve on the things i've been doing not so right. because all in all? it's all pretty damn fine. munchies or not.

20 minutes.

i completed that week 5, day 3 run last night. and as i was doing it, i ran my fastest mile yet, as lance armstrong kindly informed me afterwards. it was awesome. hard, yes, but fun, even. and when robert ullrey told me i was done, i almost started to cry. seriously. what a great feeling.

and now i want more, more, more.

inspiration. [#3]

"at 29 i finally had enough. how did i "start"? i went out of my comfort zone. i stopped hiding in big baggy clothes. i embraced who i was at that moment. no more excuses. no more perfection needed. i am who i am and that’s good enough.

that mindset prepared me to learn how to eat. i approached weight watchers like a class, not a diet. i made a commitment to my blog. i decided the only way i would fail is by giving up and i wasn’t about to give up. i couldn’t give up, i can’t give up. this is my life and i need to make the best of it. for me that means staying conscious and honest with myself. no more sneaking food or finding excuses. no more going off plan. again, this is my life, everything is on plan. face it, count it, move on. no apologies necessary."

[roni's weigh: dieting my whole life]

i was 29 as well, when i'd had enough. and i totally agreewith her that the decision to be fit and healthy has nothing to do with dieting, and everything to do with life. this is my life, and i need to make the best of it. and it's more likely that i'll find my best self at the end of a long run or out exploring the world on my bike. and not at the bottom of an ice cream bucket.