another mirage.

i had another fat-me-mirage, on wednesday night. this time, it was an old grey aa v-neck longsleeve that caused it.

and another one bites the dust.

dear body, [#1]

first off: i love you. i'm so happy with what you and i have been up to over the past year and a half. you rock! now it's because of you're usual rock-ness that i'm a bit puzzled by you this week.

first off, you're once again not too fond of digesting food in a timely manner (thanks for finally deciding an hour ago to let go of the oatmeal that hat turned to bricks in my gut over the past three days though, that was lovely), then you request tons of sleep, you've obviously decided that you need to store water for something (because seriously: you and i, we haven't gained 2kg in the past three days), you crave to be fed with sweets and you've mysteriously given me some of my lost boobage back.

dearest body, could it be that you're trying to get our joint uterus ready to menstruate again? if so, i wholeheartedly congratulate your efforts, considering that it's only cd45, after all (last time, it was cd166!), which would be a stellar achievement for all of us involved. you can rest assured, body, that i wholeheartedly support all of your undertakings in regards to reproductive health. the diva cup and i excitedly await the result of your striving.

you can do it! but please just get over this pms-crap already.

much love,

c.

inspiration. [#10]

"what has the potential to trip me up once in awhile is not so much the physical transformation as the emotional transformation. i’ve said many times since reaching goal that i finally feel like the outside me and the inside me finally match, but the longer i maintain, the more i think that descriptor may be a bit premature. in many ways, my inside is still catching up.

the emotional transformation from obese me to maintaining me is perhaps even more astounding than the physical transformation. it’s just not as apparent. the transformation began the moment weight loss “clicked” five years ago. most people who successfully lose and maintain their weight had an “aha!” moment – that realization that things are different “this time” as opposed to all the other times they tried to lose weight and failed. for me, that moment was followed by an avalanche of changes, not just in the way i ate – that was the easy part – but in the way i related to food and, even more important, how i related to myself. i began to demand from myself respect, forgiveness, and understanding – three things i rarely asked of myself or others. i often hid in my fat or other emotional insecurities and believed i didn’t deserve to be treated fairly.

physical transformation is, for the most part, finite. we can sculpt our bodies through weight training and surgery, but if we remain the same weight, we pretty much look the same. emotional transformation is infinite, an evolutionary journey."

[lynn @ refuse to regain: emotional transformation and the skinny girl]

the fat-me mirage.

something odd happened last night as i was brushing my teeth. i'd fallen asleep on the couch watching a documentary with the bf, who woke me up and made me head to the bathroom (oh, sweet love). and there, in the mirror, fat-me was looking back at me.

earlier that night, after coming home from the gym , i'd put on some jeans and an old, too big sweater that i had decided to keep during my wardrobe cull over the weekend. it's this one, actually. supercheap, h&m, acrylic v-neck. nothing special at all, and too big now. but wearing it last night, in the dimly lit bathroom, there was fat-me in the mirror.

in broad daylight, the sweater is quite obviously too big. my arms used to fill the sleeves out completely (see photo), and they just don't anymore, and the boobs that made the sweater tight are gone. and yet. for a few moment there, i saw fat-me. much more clearly, than i ever saw her, when she was actually there.

[i will chuck the sweater into the bin later today.]

things that i love right now. [#2]

• towel service at my gym, 2 euro a week that make me work out more;
• my nalgene bottles, which help me drink enough water;
• lemon-ginger yogi tea, which really heats me up on these chilly days; and
• fennel-aniseed-caraway tea, which is soothing and lovely and awesome.

goals for the week. [#5]

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

my week was generally lovely – holidays, wee! - but foodwise a total 'so-so'. first off, there were mystery weight fluctuation (64,3kg, anyone?), then i failed to plan lunches, then new years' happened, which sucked, and over the weekend, i totally struggled with having some leftover christmas goodies in the house. they're all gone now. and i feel much more in control again already

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread – failed, big time, over new years'. new years' would be worth a whole post by itself, actually, if writing said post wouldn't be so damn depressing. so many things sucked about it (don't they always?), above all, however, my reaction to them. i was a ball of pure stress most of the night, and actually delusioned enough to believe that having my right hand firmly alternating between the bread basket and my mouth would improve the situation.
• no booze – oh>, i so wanted to drink on new years'. instead, i guzzled down alcohol free radler (beer with lemonade), which tasted like radler, but didn't give me the relaxing effect of radler, which was very irritating; not having a hangover on january 1^st though? priceless. and good grace, are people ever assholes when intoxicated.
• enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling – fail, see above. it wasn't all bad, really, but pretty bad nonetheless. if still a lot better than at previous occasions.
• ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up and make an appointment with the ortho;
• come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them: kinda – got the goals, need to blog 'em.
• get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals: appointment set for january 11.
• maintain - kinda. what are normal weight fluctuations of skinny people?

nsv of the week:
lots of compliments from friends i hadn't seen in ages.

what will i do this week?

the kids are here, so meals might turn out to be different than usual. we already had mashed potatoes and (organic) fish fingers last night, ha. the whole thing has been fun, but stressful. life in our household so far has been reduced to management of sleep, food, poop and bodily cleanliness. which is normal, innit? on wednesday, we'll daytrip to switzerland, so i'll have to fix some good out-of-the-house-food for me. the kiddos leave on sunday. can't wait for normalcy, already.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
• thursday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• ice my knees twice every day;
• blog about my 2010 goals; and
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

these used to be my skinny jeans.

i chucked them in the donation bin on saturday.

[mentioned here & pictured here. | very sorry about the fact that i did that whole 'leaning the other way'-pose to make this more obvious. silly me!]