inspiration. [#6]

• linda @ all & sundry
  it sounds kinda stupid, but linda made me lose all this weight. no kidding. i'd been casually reading her blog for years, when she suddenly posted three months. i read it, looked at the photos, and just couldn't believe it. wow! three months? i saved her post in the 'fave blog posts ever' folder in my bookmarks, and re-read it again and again and again. it took 9 months of re-reading that entry to make me want to try to turn my life around as well. it took me three months, twice, though. once in the summer of 2008, to fix my eating habits, and now this summer, to get my ass moving again. i guess i am a a bit of a slower learner than she is. linda is never content: her ability and desire to challenge herself are mindblowing. currently, she's training for a triathlon, andi have the feeling that unless the seaweed zombies get to her, one fine day we'll see her run across the finish line at ironman. and that three months-post? i am still re-reading it, regularly.
  
  
• shauna @ the amazing adventures of diet girl
  shauna got me started on blogging. almost ten years ago, by the way. we were both keeping online diaries at an online diary site, when she started one of those weird sites where the newest posts were on top. a blog, or something. odd! if shauny did it, it had to be cool, and so i followed her lead. i loved her for her love of radiohead, gomez and harry, the dog and for her writing and silliness and her brownie recipe. i never knew that she was overweight. a few years later, after she'd moved to scotland, i stumbled across dietgirl. i knew right away: either, shauny had a secret twin, or that dietgirl-person who'd dropped all that 'lard' was her. it was her, obviously, and i am still amazed that she did that, that she lost half her body weight, changed her life, got married to dr.g, what have you. in 2002 we had plans to meet up in melbourne, that fell through. and i really hope to hang out with her one fine day.
  
  
• one twenty five
  one twenty five made me pick up this blog again. i found her when randomly searching for weight loss tumblrs (it's what the cool kids do these days, isn't it?), and i immediately fell in love with her drive and lust for life. i can so relate to her desire to lose weight for reasons that other people doubtlessly deem superficial, like wearing certain clothes and feeling less self-conscious around others. but let's be real: yes, weight loss is about getting healthy, but it's also about fitting into whatever you want to wear. she's training for a half marathon now (and getting up at the crack of dawn to train!), and for this woman who's in the middle of week 8 of c25k, that's a great inspiration.
  
  
• roni @ roni's weight
  roni is the grande dame of weight watchers bloggers, isn't she? reading her blog reminds me that this journey (oh, i hate that word, but can't stop using it in this context) won't end once i get to goal (whatever that is, anyway), it starts anew: maintaining is an ongoing challenge in a world that eats hfcs-loaden, ready-made meals, in a life were you get stressed, move house, get a new job. and roni also reminds me that eating well and moving your body are essentially expressions of self-love.

inspiration. [#5]

good advice from the nutritionista on dealing with different eaters.

had that kind of situation on tuesday, when the dinner plans the bf and i turned into classic german style abendbrot (literally "evening bread" - think cheese, cold cuts, bread) with the crew.

i was really taken aback at first - i'd saved points for dinner, and was just not prepared to waste them on stuff i didn't like anyway. and well - i eat neither cold cuts nor cheese and hardly any bread, after all.

i was pretty annoyed there for a minute, because all the shops were closed at that time already, and i couldn't buy healthier choices for me, and our friend t. kept pestering me that 'one time didn't matter'. the bf felt rather guilty about that sudden change of plans and his inability to do something about it; he's awesome in trying to accommodate my eating style, doesn't dress salads like he used to and the like, and really wants to support me.

he couldn't then, so i decided to not get too worked up about it, headed back to the office where i grabbed what was supposed to be next days' brekkie and my jar of vegemite. so while everyone else indulged, i had an ok (if not particularly exciting) 7.5 points dinner, that left me feeling nicely full. and later at home, i indulged with some choc.

i could never ever be with someone, who was not supportive of my eating habits. i don't expect the bf (who is super-skinny, by default and can eat anything, really) to follow my 'rules', but i do expect him to support me in following them and to work on compromises that work for both of us, such as not using butter when he cooks or undressed salad that we then each fix however we like it. he's awesome, in that regard, and it helps that he's into cooking, big-time, and and adventurous eater in general. and he doesn't even laugh when i break one piece of lindt choc into 12 little parts.

it sounds harsh, but dating a fat person is something that i will never ever do again, should i ever re-enter the dating pool (which i don't plan on doing, anyway). my ex was seriously overweight, and i tried to tell myself, that it didn't matter, that his personality was so awesome and whatnot, but it mattered. a lot. we had no sex life to speak of because of his weight and bad body image, which totally killed my libido as well. and i adapted his unhealthy lifestyle and gained about 10kg in the first year that we were dating, before i started ww. anyway. those days are over, and i'm very happy about that.

progress.

i did not buy the first (ever?) size 36 (8) dress that i fit into. it was supercute, and cheap and at esprit (of all places - i hated them so much because their 42's were way too small for me, back in the day). but way too tame for me.

no more buying things just because they fit! progress, people, progress!

the fine line.

i've been wondering about 'normal'. not in relation to my body, though (the fact that it is, keeps sinking in), but in relation to my eating. when does a healthy diet turn into disordered eating?

i know for a fact that my nutrient-free bakery binge sessions and compulsory chocolate desserts that got me to the weight i used to be were disordered eating. i often had two pretzels and two pastries for brekkie, ate a whole package of chocolate chips right after two portions of pasta at dinner, or a super sized burger king menu, followed by a donut and a muffin. i'm still wondering, though: is what i am doing now - the endless carrots & quark combo, broccoli pasta whenever i get the chance -'normal'?

i have no idea.

i'm worried that my worrying about sliding into unhealthy behaviour is my subconsious trying to undermine my path to success. and at the same time, i know that the way the majority of people eat, what they consider "normal", is disordered, anyway.

very odd, this.

inspiration. [#4]

"the omg-i-hate-doing-this curve? it goes away, this i promise. the feeling of taking control of your body, of doing this yourself, is worth every tear of sweat, every missed chocolate bar, every undignified jillian-michaels induced grunt.

i’m here to tell you: you can do this. go, girl."

[kristin @ bodies in motivation: boyfriend in motivation]

kristin is spot on with this post. that feeling of control? is sweeter than chocolate. it is a choice to be fit, to keep your body machine well-oiled and in top condition, in the best that you can achieve. it is my choice to work out as much as i do and to eat what i eat. does it hurt? at times yes. but not as much as you'd think. and i'm rewarded for it every single minute of my day. when i walk up the stairs and can feel my glutes working, when in finish my 25 minute c25k-runs, when the boyfriend strokes my hips, in search for the lovehandles that used to be there.

contrast and compare.

on the left: me, carrying 22kg of vegetable shortening, the weight that i have lost so far.
on the right: me, carrying 3kg of vegetable shortening, the weight that i still have to lose to reach my official ww goal.

't was a humbling experience that one. surprisingly emotional, too. literally ran into the boyfriend in front of the supermarket on my way home from the gym last night, and so we finally took that photo i've been meaning to take for a while.

these past days, i've been really struggling with the realisation of what i look like now, what kind of sizes and what kind of clothes fit. it's a bit eerie, but my mind doesn't seem to have caught up with the reality of my body yet. it's the exact reverse of what i was suffering from back in the day, when i looked in the mirror and didn't realise that i was fat.

i've been looking at snapshots someone took of me at a wedding yesterday, and can't quite grasp that i don't hate a single one of them. i look athletic and fit and happy in all of them. my arms and my back have definition. how weird.

this is me now, and if i dare say so myself: i look pretty damn fine. i'm partly this stunned, because i never expected this at 67kg. 67kg is not that little. my bmi is 23 or so, and it's definitely significantly more than i expected to weigh when being able to fit into a size 38 (10) dress. but i'm not complaining, at all. ever again. i'll lose those 2 point something kg, and then i'll continue a little more and then i'll focus on fitness, and nothing but fitness, and all will be well.

it's so weird that there was so much more of me, not so long ago. that i was lucky when i found clothes that fit and wore worn-out pants, and bought mainly underwear and shoes, because most of the time nothing did. i can buy a 10 euro dress at forever 18 in a size medium now, and make it look good. i can wear one of those almost see-through halterneck hippie dresses from nepal. i can buy clothes whenever, wherever. i don't have to buy something, just because it fits. that flowery dress i ordered from frontline the other week arrived yesterday, and it fits perfectly, but it just doesn't look like *me* at all. so i'll send it back, and possibly order something else, or get a custom-made dress from etsy or go out and buy another. clothes are so much more fun now. my body is so much more fun now. everything is.

the weirdest thing, though, is: i not only lost this weight that i carry in that above picture, i *gained* it, before, obviously. how did i let that happen? how did i not *care*? life must have gotten harder, as i gained. i must have bought bigger pants and whatnot. i must have noticed. but i can't remember noticing it until trying to buy a dress for those weddings in spring last year.

in any way, i'm trying hard to not put too much importance to the number on the scale (or the number of packages of shortening): i am so much healthier now. i eat yummy, healthy stuff that gives me energy, instead of stuff that makes me feel bad. i bike everywhere, i run, i lift weights, i go for 15+k walks with the dog, just because i feel like it, i sleep better. it's a different life. and right now, i can't quite believe that it's mine.

i'm starting to feel all guilty about chucking successphotos into the accountability pool, lately. i can't quite believe that i've done it, finally. i really have. wow.

crazy.

i bought a dress yesterday.

and it's a size 38 (10). i can't remember doing that ever before.
crazy.

and that is all.