motivation?

i saw my ob/gyn this morning. and he started talking about weight. my weight. he wants me to lose these 12kg that are my ww goal, too. he wants me at 65kg. at least. to even out my hormones.

afterwards, i sat at my desk in the office and cried. over my weight and my health (for the past six months, i've pretty much had constant yeast infections) and the fact he wrote 'ttc' on my chart, even though i am not. i've told my doc four or five times, that the bf and i are not ttc, and won't ever be, because he had a vasectomy a decade ago or so. it still made me cry. i'm not even sure why, i don't even wish i was, i can't imagine being a parent. maybe i wish it was an option at least.

i feel all weak and vulnerable today. and i want my bf back. he's coming home tomorrow night. can't wait.

i'm scared about talking to him about my weight. not scared, really, we'll be fine. just tired of it even before i've started. when i told him about what the doc wants from me, he was shocked, worried about still having some love handles to hold on to, some belly to smooch, ass to pat. i told my friend e. about my docs comment today, and she was all 'but you'll be superskinny then!'. maybe i will. i have no idea what my body could be like at that weight.

i also need to urgently start working out. come june 1st (and my new, higher pay, yay!), i'll get a gym membership. not sure what gym yet, there are two to choose from. guess i'll check them out the week after next.

in any way: tired, emotional, a wee bit sad. about so many things.