on the wagon, part two.

so it's happened again. this week? has been killing me. and even though it's friday evening already, it's still not done, this one: i'll spend all day tomorrow teaching a bunch of undergrads. and i've yet to do final prep on my presentation. well.

this week i've had a mardi gras donuts feast with the guy (which i'd been looking forward to for WEEKS), went to the gym before work on monday and friday (which is awesome - despite the 6:30am alarm clock) and once in the evening (wednesday), had a physio appointment before work on tuesday morning, spend all day thursday travelling (got up at 4am, came home at 10pm), saw one set of houseguests departing, and another one arriving and had a shitload of work. oh, and i had my hair cut off, quite dramatically, too. and i finished michael pollan's 'in defense of food', which was reassuring and inspiring and has already lead to a lot of additional changes and has inspired me to keep tweaking and improving my diet.

in short: it's been a lot. A LOT. with no time for sleeping, emailing, blogging, whathaveyou. but i'm proud of myself, really. these past two weeks have been extreme, and yet here i am, holding up quite nicely, still very much on the wagon, really. there's still not been any weight loss to speak of (just lots of little fluctuations, which are NORMAL!), which isn't that surprising, really, considering the mardi gras donuts and other assorted goodies, but my eating's still been really really really good, all things considered. and i'm holding up really well. and powering through. and asking for help. which is all SO MUCH BETTER than how i did in previous busy times.

well done, me. really.

still gotta get to my presentation, now. want to get at least seven hours of sleep before tomorrow... which would be as much as i've had the previous two nights, taken together. so there.

hello, thighs!

so glad to see you shrinking.

[strangely enough, the change in my thighs and stomach these past two months has felt much more extreme than what it actually looks like in these pics though. weird. still: very happy about what i have accomplished.]

goals for the week. [#10]

my weight on sunday morning:

still marvelling at how much it fluctuates in a week. i'm trying hard to cultivate a really scientific, non-judgemental mindset in regards to my weight, as in 'i am observing this weird, shifting natural phenomenon that has nothing to do with me'. and it is, in a way: i have no idea what my body does in response to water, food, sodium, work outs. so here i am, trying to learn about it. fun!

also: now that january is over (and i've gotten over my knee shock and everything), i should totally step it up a notch and finally tackle these last few pounds, right? right.

how was my week?

one part nightmare, one part calm. the second half of the week was much better than the first, and on satuday and sunday, i really unwinded. on saturday, i went to farmers market, to the gym, to the supermarket and then home. didn't do anything besides showeing, puttering around at home and cooking dinner. and then i fell asleep on the couch by ten. heaven! didn't get anything done that needed getting done, though. ahem. you do what you have to do. right now that is: resting. sunday was hence the same, apart from three hours i spent at a band contest because of work.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yup!
  
• no booze - yup!
  
• take a lunch break on thursday and friday - yes - took a superbrief one with the bf on thursday, and a shopping one on friday;
  
• stay in touch with lizzie - yup!
  
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening - not often enough, but yes;
  
• get more physio appointments - nope, will call first thing monday morning;
  
• get appointment for insoles - nope, need to talk about it with chris before doing so;
  
• blog about my knee issues and 2010 goals - done (kinda); and
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - still in draft stage, but getting there.
  



nsv of the week:



decided to take some measurements today. compared to the last time i did so, two months ago, at more or less weight the same, i have lost:

• 1cm each off of my hips and chest (sob) ; and
• 2cm each off each arm, my stomach, and each thigh.

yay!

what will i do this week?

this week will be busy again, both at work (really need to work on my uni stuff!) and at home. we'll have houseguests all week, which will be the first time of many.

not sure whether i ever mentioned it, but the bf is a piercer and body modifier who runs a studio with his best friend. they did a major move and revamp last year, and part of said revamp is offering tattoo services in their store, done by (travelling) guest artists from across the world. this is a major life change, in a way, because this means we'll more or less regularly have people stay with us for a week or so. we've always had people staying over a lot anyway, but that's either been the kids, or very good friends, and now we'll have people come and stay who are not yet friends. or so.

in any way, the first two arrived last night, c & c (she's called caro, too!), i like these two, they were here for a few days in december, and it'll doubtlessly work. they'll be here for a week, and it'll be interesting to cultivate a groove with them here. i'm usually in a 'must be a fabulous host mode' when people are staying over, but these past few months, i've really worked hard on letting that slide a bit and relaxing more. the people who come and visit us (hopefully) won't care if there's still that untidy cupboard in the kitchen, but they'll (hopefully) enjoy a yummy dinner and good conversation and a more relaxed me, though.

it's still going to be interesting, though, because i very much need to live my regular, everyday life while they are here, which means sleeping enough, working out and getting up early.

i'll be the first one out the door in the morning, so apart from choosing my clothes the previous night and getting them out of the guestroom (where we keep all of our clothes), nothing much will change in the mornings. i'm kinda expecting more eating out in the evenings, which i'm not a fan of right now, but well, small concession. i'll happily cook dinner once or twice but that'll be it, really.


when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (35 minutes cardio coach, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
  
• thursday, pm: (35 minutes cardio coach; 2 rounds fat burning circle, another 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night (if possible)
  
• saturday, am: gym (15 minutes cardio, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• not get too stressed out by our visitors;
• no bread;
  
• no booze;
  
• take at least a brief lunch break every day;
• get out of the office by 6pm every day;
  
• stay in touch with lizzie;
  
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening;
  
• get more physio appointments;
  
• get appointment for insoles; and
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

inspiration. [#11]

"it’s counter intuitive, but true, that losing weight is very emotionally taxing. i read a lot of blogs by others who have also experienced a similar weight-loss and feel this sort of anticlimactic remorse. it’s like setting out for a long journey in which you are isolated and consumed by this quest and when you finally reach your destination, well…it’s akin to being reintroduced into society. it’s exciting, frustrating and invariably disappointing. that’s kinda how i feel sometimes – like i was gone in this quest and, now that i’m back, i have no choice but to acknowledge how different my life is and how differently others receive me. i also have to acknowledge how it’s not different in the ways i thought it would be."

[feed me i'm cranky: big fat musings]

annabel's entire post really resonates with me. what i'm also struggling with a bit right now is a weird kind of delayed guilt for gaining the weight, treating myself so poorly in the first place - and, above all, failing to realise how far gone i was.

"i was still fat!" i exclaimed while looking at a picture of me a few weeks ago. the pic had been taken in the spring of last year or so, when i weighed about 12kg less than i did when i first started. "yes, you were", said the bf. and bizarrely enough? that hurt me. in some totally warped way, i'd somehow thought that no one had noticed that i was overweight. i mean: i hadn't. really. but of course they had, including my most favourite person, the bf. "you were actually the biggest person i'd ever dated", he added. "did you ever consider not doing so because of my weight?" i asked. "yes, i did. but before i could come to a concluion, i had already fallen in love with you."

phew. that stung for a moment, too. i'm thankful that he's that honest, though.

i've been thinking about this, since then: i could have missed out on this awesome relationship (the best i've ever had) because of my weight (and this would have been his loss, obviously, too). now i am nowhere near blaming my fat for things that didn't work out in the past (and if my fat is to blame for stuff, i quite likely will never know, anyway), but it makes me sad, retroactively. and wonder about the now, too.

i, too, believe that i have not fundamentally changed. i am still vegetarian, i still suck at paying bills, still talk too loud and i can't, for the life of me, answer email in a timely fashion. however, i am now superdedicated to being healthy, i eat in a very specific way, dress differently, work out. and above all, the way people perceive me has fundamentally changed. and i still just can't seem to find a balance (yet) between their image of me and mine.

cardio coach crush.

could shane o'malley say the words "cruise control" any sexier? i don't think so.

seriously, i never thought i could have this much fun doing cardio. cardio coach is optimistic and cheerful and awesome and hard. three workouts in, and i totally love it. i was dripping with sweat by the time i got to step off the spinning bike (which flew by, again). and: knee pain free.

me=happy.

a new friend.

you've got a new friend.

you've got a new friend.

likes to go to the gym.

likes to run far and wide.

sounds familiar, better hold on tight:

a good pair of shoes can be so hard to find.

you've got a new friend.

you've got a new friend.

and the two of you don’t ever seem to part

you got a new friend ooh.

you got a new friend, now i’m the odd pair gone.

you got a new friend.

you got a new friend, i know

[dear tim, please forgive this crappy joke. i love you. and that song. and my new shoes.]

cardio coach, the bike & me.

so. all is not lost, fellas. i will not die of boredom on a stationary bike any time soon. because i've found cardio coach.

shauny wrote about him this past week, and i finally purchased an episode today (totally missing out on her discount, boo), and dudes! i had fun on the bike today! i used episode one for my pre-fat-burn-circuit 30 minute cardio, and again afterwards. and now? i am spent. in the best way possible. i can't believe that i did about 70 minutes of cardio without a second of boredom. crazy.

the episode worked so well on both the boring, sucky stationary bike and even better on the much more fun spinning bike my gym keeps in the cardio area (which is taken most of the time). time just flew by, and i loved it, and now i feel like i finally got a good cardio workout again. and my knees don't hurt at all. woohoo!

sean really, really had me the moment he started talking about lance and the yellow jersey and....oh, i love me a good tdf mental image to get myself going. oh yes. so: i'm now in love with cardio coach!

last night, i listened to the latest two fit chicks podcast (featuring lizzie and me in the blogger news bit, yay!), and shauny's and carla's advice on getting through an injury made me realise that i could handle my knee issues much better, and work a wee bit harder while looking at myself better. the idea that i could actually improve on some things while letting my knees heal? had never crossed my mind. but that's what i want to do. and that's what i kicked off tonight.

i also had a lovely epiphany at the gym tonight: i really don't care much about perfection anymore. and that's fab. that lovely spin bike i mentioned? was taken when i got in. and instead of getting all angry about it, i used what was available (the boring stationary bike), and did the best that i could.

i always used to have that 'perfect or not at all'-mindframe. and i don't have that anymore. it's lovely to have that perfect workout, that perfect eating week every once in a while. but if it's not happening? who cares. i can still do the best i can with what's available. make the best possible choices on a crappy menu, use the cardio equipment that's available instead of the one that i really want, work out for an hour instead of an hour and a half if i am in a rush. there is no point in freaking out about not being able to achieve perfection. if something doesn't go 100 % as planned? so what. it's just one workout in a lifetime of workouts, just one meal in a lifetime of meals. i can never be perfect, but i can always try to make the best choice possible, try to do the very best that i can.

so there.

me: happy. and hungry. and waiting for the boyfriend to be done with getting tattoed so that we can go out for dinner. where i will make the best possible choice.

i'm so very happy tonight.