better.

i'm feeling much better. it's actually been supernice to have today for myself.

spend all day tidying up r.'s flat: threw away a garbage bag full of bathroom stuff (inspired by dooce, i telly 'ya), decluttered a closet in the hallway, decluttered the kitchen counters, recycled our glass and washed all the drapes. it was all much needed, and there is still much more to do, but at least i'm feeling a bit more at home now. (i really, really, really want to properly move in with r., and soon. i miss my stuff, but i hate my flat, and i don't want to put pressure on him and... argh!)

and before all that cleaning, i spend three hours at the gym: took a nice, hard ride with sean o'malley, did weights, hypoxy (hadn't done that in months, really), stretched and then had a massage. bliss!

and tonight, i cooked myself a lovely dinner: spicy almond soba noodles. and i've been watching mad men. it's all good.

tomorrow: some work at home, then the gym, then some hanging around, then some more work in the afternoon. and then it's monday, and r. finally, finally, finally comes home. actually excited about all of it.

fight to the finish.

in other news, i've decided to take part in fight to the finish, a contest between ryan of no more bacon and mish of eating journey.

my goal: 61kg/134lb by june 2nd. right now, my weight is 64,5kg/142lb. 8lb in six weeks? sounds reasonable. the extra level of accountability and motivation will hopefully do me good and help me stay motivated. so there.

inspiration. [#12]

"married men, long-distance relationships, lovers who are addicted to drugs or work or alcohol or sex - pursuing them is the same as believing that when you get thin, the anguish that follows you like a shadow will disappear. both are fantasies; one involves achieving something; the other involves getting someone. both are a way of saying, 'the present (or past) might be awful, but i don't have to think about it because the future will be glorious.' both are designed to distract you; they both provide a focus, a goal that you can constantly move toward without ever arriving."
[geneen roth. when food is love.]

married men ✓
long-distance relationship ✓
addicts ✓

and yes, for years i ignored how awful the present (or past) were. things are so much better these days, but i know there is stuff i still need to work on. otherwise the fact that r.'s been gone for 16 days (just three more!) wouldn't unsettle me as much as it has. my equilibrium really depends on him. and that? ain't great.

in any way, i started reading 'when food is love' after erin wrote about it, and it is as good as she says. indeed. more thoughts on it, soon.

what a year it has been.

april 2009

april 2010

the official photos from that work thing i mentioned. not too shabby, eh?

oh flow, where are you?

it's been weird, everything.

there's been more travelling, which is always bad for 'ye olde routine, and a lot of fun and work, which is equally bad for 'ye olde routine, and in the middle of it, i started to feel kinda crappy and bloated. i thought it was pms-related (hello, cd 102!) and not just giving in to my cravings for nuts of all kind - (oh, nuts, how do i love thee, let me count the ways while eating you by the handful), but here i am, ten days or so later, still feeling kinda emo, still feeling kinda bloated, and a good four pounds of so above where i was before my holidays and where i'd like to be. i thought that a supplement that i started taking a few weeks ago, l-lysine, might be to blame. i've since stopped taking it, which kinda sucks, too, because everyone is raving about its effect on herpes. i'll see.

on top of everything, r. has been stuck on the canary islands because of volcano ash for the past week, too, and i miss him like crazy. we quite simply haven't seen enough of each other in the past month; i can't wait for him to get home, which could be as soon as today or monday.

in any way, i want to clean my act up again. i don't like what this feels like. i've been doing a bit better in the food department anyway (started counting points again yesterday, and even though i dug into my weekly allowance,  that's certainly a good thing). i've started cycling to work again. and with the guy not in town, i've been working out every day, too, alternating my regular weight training with yoga classes at the gym; that's helped with me feeling a bit more in control as well. i'll get a good sweaty workout tonight, and then possibly head to the sauna as well. and next monday, i've got a trainer date with c., to figure out how to get my workouts to a new level. right now, it's all been getting a bit too easy and just a tad boring. i need a challenge. i need change. i need my flow back. and i also need some sleep.

today

• workout (6pm) - 40 minutes cardio coach work out, 2 rounds fat burning circle, hypoy (haven't done that in months!), stretching, massage, sauna
• no snacking between meals
• meals:
  brekkie: oatmeal
  lunch (with e.): probably a salad
  dinner: soba noodles with almondcurry sauce
  and only one cup of coffee and one piece of choc after dinner

status update. [#3]

i didn't manage to start eating better at dinner yesterday: my parents hadn't prepared the greatest meal, really (just some baked potatoes), and i compensated with ice cream, afterwards. twice.

today, however, was fabulous: oatmeal for brekkie, sushi and algae salad for lunch, a fruit smoothie as a snack and wholewheat pasta with homemade (by me) veggie sauce for dinner. and some high quality dark choc for dessert. all' good, me thinks.

haven't worked out since wednesday morning though; woke up too late on friday to do yoga before my work meeting. can't wait to get to the gym on monday morning. and to ashtango yoga on monday night, yeah.

'tis all good.

status update. [#2]

the holidays are over, and oh, were they fun. so far, i'm not yet stuck in the daily grind yet again, because lots of different than usual stuff has been happening. i've been at a work related event for the past two days. it's been fun work, stuff that i am passionate about, stuff that's important to my career, and i've had a fab two days deep in discussion and argueing. both has been successful and right now, i am on my way to spend the weekend with my parents, which is nice, too.

a couple of notes, however:

• i can't wait to see the official photo shoot of the group of folks doing the work thing, just so that i can show you the before and afters. i hadn't looked at last years' photo in a while. it's quite...something.
  
  
• this work event was a tiny group thing. we're ten people in total. and one of the dudes is obese. think: 500lb or so. when i first met him last year, i was in total shock. i'd never seen someone that fat ever before (i'd never been to the us), and the photos he has of himself on the net (i'd known him online for a while) had been totally and utterly misleading. he's smart and funny and knows his stuff, but sitting next to him for two days straight, his behaviour towards and around food weirded me out somewhast. we spend the entire time at the same hotel, so work and meals were intertwined, and we went out for dinner last night. said guy didn't join us for the meals, and instead scarfed down the snacks inside our conference room, quite possibly (and really, i am guessing here) because the chairs in the restaurant (where we ate) had armrests. or something. and it made me feel like shit that i noticed. and that i was weirded out by his size. and because...it just did. i feel terrible about noticing. and about noticing how he was out of breath after we got back from a 200m walk across the road to take the group photo. and i hope i didn't make him uncomfy. and i hope he felt good these past two days. he certainly didn't look the part, and i certainly didn't help him.
  
  
• i have a major case of the munchies though. it's been that way for the past week, really, ever since i got back from the us. had so much cake and chocolate and so many nuts and.... not sure where this is coming from, and i vow to make better choices starting right now, at my next meal, tonight. because no matter where this is coming from - happiness and wellbeing will not be found inside a lärabar wrapper, right?

more (including a re-cap of my awesome holidays and goals for the week - no, really!) soon.