the big issue.

this past month has been a bit rough. i travelled a lot, i worked a lot, i slept little. and then r. got stuck on the canary islands for an additional week because of the volcano whose name i am too lazy to google and copy and paste, and in the middle of it i realised that i was just a tad bit lonely. which i hadn't been in months. and it felt like my life before. before happiness, before weight loss, before r.

and damn, did that ever suck.

i suddenly realised that this lovely life that i have is pretty damn fragile. that while everything is so much better these days, deep deep down? nothing much has changed, really. and that realisation motivates me to work hard at enjoying and working on this beautiful, fragile life that i have. and to change.

shauny posted a quote by jen of  awesome sauce today, that really resonated with me:

"i don’t think i gained weight in order to hide from the world—i think that weight and size are much more complex issues than that. but i think it was comfortable and easy to let fat be my whole problem. and when i was left with no fat, but plenty of problems—i was the only one left to blame. it’s like i’ve cleaned out the flooded basement, which is great and all, but now i have to actually address the cause of the flooding, and it’s harder than you think.

[btw: my real basement is actually still full of stuff i should throw away unseen, because i haven't needed anything that's down there in, oh, two years. i am kinda scared of the stuff in my basement, though. as in: overwhelmed. that's why it's all still there. don't want to dig through it, because digging through it will remind me of those years i wasted in my twenties, which will make me sad.]

i wouldn't say that i've got plenty of problems. my life is pretty damn fine. and yet. my issues are still the same as they've always been. i am still me, even at 60lb (give or take) less. my ass is smaller (and it's so much more fun to move and dress it), but the rest of me is still, well, me: always laughing, always talking too loud, often over-excited and overly critical. and with depressive tendencies, fear of doing taxes and general anxiety about thefuture.

of course i am still me.

and yet i'm all shocked by that fact. that i am not a completely revamped, perfect person, but still me, just with more muscles, less fat. who would have thought that my actual self had little to do with that weight?

i just finished reading "when food is love" by geneen roth, which it's all about the fact that fat and food and how we deal with both is actually not about food and fat, but about love and pain and death. and yes, that is just as grim as it sounds.  the book had me nodding heavily in place and then recoiling in horror at others because it's just such a downer when someone suggests that you're the person you are because of some crap that happened when you were a kid...and yet all of it felt true.

when i eat too much lentils for dinner when i'm by myself these days, i am replaying what i did those afternoons alone at home when i was in junior high and would eat 2 cups of freshly cooked vanilla custard. i'm trying to fill a hole inside myself with warm, slurpy goodness. and yet that hole cannot be filled with food, ever. and of course i know, these days, that eating doesn't make that pain go away. it can only be dulled, never eradicated, by feeling stuffed.

in so many ways i'm still struggling with a lot of the crap i struggled with in my twenties (and my teens). and nothing will change if i don't change. because no one is responsible for my life but me.

three things of note.

• i eat when i am stressed. or unhappy or lonely. i eat until i am more than full. i really need to work this.
  
  
  
• i had an impromptu session with thomas last night, and we revamped my schedule. just a bit. i want some more definition, especially in my legs, and that's why i will be doing two fat burning circuit sessions and one weights/whatever i feel like-one instead of the other way round. and up my low intensity cardio. which means less time with sean, i'm afraid. which sucks. i'll work it out.
  
  monday am: run to the gym or warm up there (10 min), 2 rounds fat burning circle, pull up-work, knee strenghtening work, low intensity low impact cardio for as long as i've got time (i.e. hypoxi)
  monday pm: ashtanga yoga
  
  wednesday am: run to the gym or warm up there (10 min), 2 rounds fat burning circle, pull up-work, knee strenghtening work, low intensity low impact cardio for as long as i've got time (i.e. hypoxi)
  wednesday pm: kundalini yoga
  
  saturday: run to the gym or warm up there (10 min), 2 or 3 rounds weight circle, pull up-work, knee strengthening work, weights, vibraplate, cardio coach work out
  

• oh, and then i got into a fight with a new pt at my gym.
  
  his name is robert. he's young, early twenties, and working on nights that i'm not usually there. such as tuesdays. so he doesn't know me. doesn't know how much i work out, how much weight i've lost, what improvements i've made. thursday last week, i was just starting my cardio coach ride while casually chatting with a dude working out in that corner of the gym. we were talking about weights, and the guy said "yeah, but i actually don't care about lifting iron, i care more about being able to lift my body weight", which got us into talking pull up variations. at about that time, the pt joins us. the conversation is almost over, i put my headphones back in, while pt lingers, and he flexes his arm, i do it, too (as you do, at the gym), and he points to my triceps, points to his, makes a wobbling motion and laughs "well, your triceps sucks, like it does on so many women." no. i didn't laugh, either. later, as i was working on pull-ups, coached by another pt, he kept laughing about my not managing one. i explained to him that i was working on them because i couldn't do them, and that i expected coaching from him. not meanness, not jokes. "well, she's here", he said, poiting to a female pt, standing by. "she can cheer you on." he totally didn't get it, and i was flabbergasted. and fuming throughout the rest of my workout, pondering whether i should tell someone, like head of training, frank, straight away. i didn't, though, wanting to give robert the chance to apologise. so that was thursday.
  
  so he was at the gym again last night, says hi, asks whether i want to work on my pull-ups again, and i tell him that yes, i was going to work on my pull-ups. "and what about you?", i added. "planning on making unhelpful jokes about my triceps again?" he was all "i didn't mean it that way" to me. sorry. not enough.
  
  so i gave him a serious talk about his comment not being okay, about what it means to be fat and to feel like you are constantly judged by your body. and that the gym should be a safe-space (i chose this expensive, health-focused, mirrorless gym because it strives to be just that). a place of challenge, yes, but also of cheer and of constructive critism. and that jokes were uncalled for, unless you know someone well. and that he didn't know a single thing about me, and hence was in no position at all to joke about me or my effort.
  
  and you know what? he didn't say a single word in reply. he made some 'i'm listening'-sounds, but didn't say a word. didn't apologise. and then he ran off. i followed him, and completed what i wanted to say. and he was all "it's okay, it's okay", as if *i* had to be sorry. phew.
  
  i started working out, and five minutes later, frank, head of training, came over, and asked me, what had been up. and so i told him. and he agreed, that roberts' behaviour sucked. so there. loser.

goals for the week. [#11]

my weight on sunday morning:

64,7kg hello, bloat!

how was my week?

busy & lonely. can't wait for r. to finally, finally come home.

how did i do on my goals?

didn't set any.



nsv of the week:



i wore a shirt dress today, that i bought as one of my first skinny pieces (back in august '08, when i weighed 12kg more than i do now). it's huge. i shouldn't be surprised, i know. but i am. there was all this loose fabric around me, and i remember it being tight, not so very long ago. how odd.

where's my head at?

well. i've been lonely, this past week. and the week before as well. i need company, and proper me time and some loving. i'm pretty sure i won't crave chocolate that much then. and not eat until i'm uncomfortably full. the latter has been really weird. got to think about it some more and write about it.

what will i do this week?

work. sleep. have a date with r. get back into the swing of things. go to r.'s dad's 70th birthday on saturday.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (40 minutes cardio coach, 2 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
  
• wednesday, am : (30 minutes cardio coach; 2 rounds fat burning circle, stretching), pm: yoga class, sauna
  
• friday, am: gym (30 minutes cardio coach, 2 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
• sunday: not sure yet; (40minutes cardio coach, and some kind a gym group class).
  

weekly goals:

• sleep more than 6 hours every night;
• work on my pull-ups;
  
• no baking; and
• eat reasonably at the birthday party.

sunday as a single.

today was pretty damn fine. went to the gym this morning, where i took a ride with sean o'malley and cardio coach volume 3 (and took challenge 2 twice, yay!) and then went to a bums, tums & thighs class, which i hadn't done in years.

it was supremely weird: this class was like pretty much every btt class i've ever been to, as if nothing about working out had changed in the past, oh, twelve years or so. it wasn't a bad workout per se, it just felt...inefficent. not because i didn't feel any burn (i did), but because it just didn't feel that challenging, or so. in any way: (and this'll sound weird, i know) it was actually kinda nice to look at myself in the mirror for an hour. never do this (i think i've mentioned before that my gym doesn't have a lot of mirrors), so i got a decent reality check as to the state of my muscles. i might feel bloated and chubby, but i am nowhere near.

so the bloat is still around, yes. the boobs are still there and feeling kinda full, and when i started riding the stationary bike this morn, my thighs were jiggling in a way that felt like something was sloshing around in there. which kinda hurt, too, but got better after some riding. weird.

so that's that. had some fine meals, even though i dug into my weekly allowance (i tracked the extra, go me!), worked for a couple of hours, finished tidying the place up. can't believe the guy is finally, finally coming back tomorrow night. i'll have to pick him up at the airport, which is a freakin' two and a half hour drive (and back!), so there won't be any gym going before work tomorrow. i really really need some sleep (actually took a one hour nap today, as well). and i need to finish an assignement tomorrow before work as well. gotta set priorities.

i'm actually really concerned about the driving. don't like driving that much at night (especially when i've been sleeping a

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s little as i have been these past few weeks). got no choice, will drink coffee and take caffeine pills and won't be alone for the trip back, so it'll be alright.

anyway: time for bed very very very soon.

better.

i'm feeling much better. it's actually been supernice to have today for myself.

spend all day tidying up r.'s flat: threw away a garbage bag full of bathroom stuff (inspired by dooce, i telly 'ya), decluttered a closet in the hallway, decluttered the kitchen counters, recycled our glass and washed all the drapes. it was all much needed, and there is still much more to do, but at least i'm feeling a bit more at home now. (i really, really, really want to properly move in with r., and soon. i miss my stuff, but i hate my flat, and i don't want to put pressure on him and... argh!)

and before all that cleaning, i spend three hours at the gym: took a nice, hard ride with sean o'malley, did weights, hypoxy (hadn't done that in months, really), stretched and then had a massage. bliss!

and tonight, i cooked myself a lovely dinner: spicy almond soba noodles. and i've been watching mad men. it's all good.

tomorrow: some work at home, then the gym, then some hanging around, then some more work in the afternoon. and then it's monday, and r. finally, finally, finally comes home. actually excited about all of it.

fight to the finish.

in other news, i've decided to take part in fight to the finish, a contest between ryan of no more bacon and mish of eating journey.

my goal: 61kg/134lb by june 2nd. right now, my weight is 64,5kg/142lb. 8lb in six weeks? sounds reasonable. the extra level of accountability and motivation will hopefully do me good and help me stay motivated. so there.

inspiration. [#12]

"married men, long-distance relationships, lovers who are addicted to drugs or work or alcohol or sex - pursuing them is the same as believing that when you get thin, the anguish that follows you like a shadow will disappear. both are fantasies; one involves achieving something; the other involves getting someone. both are a way of saying, 'the present (or past) might be awful, but i don't have to think about it because the future will be glorious.' both are designed to distract you; they both provide a focus, a goal that you can constantly move toward without ever arriving."
[geneen roth. when food is love.]

married men ✓
long-distance relationship ✓
addicts ✓

and yes, for years i ignored how awful the present (or past) were. things are so much better these days, but i know there is stuff i still need to work on. otherwise the fact that r.'s been gone for 16 days (just three more!) wouldn't unsettle me as much as it has. my equilibrium really depends on him. and that? ain't great.

in any way, i started reading 'when food is love' after erin wrote about it, and it is as good as she says. indeed. more thoughts on it, soon.

what a year it has been.

april 2009

april 2010

the official photos from that work thing i mentioned. not too shabby, eh?

oh flow, where are you?

it's been weird, everything.

there's been more travelling, which is always bad for 'ye olde routine, and a lot of fun and work, which is equally bad for 'ye olde routine, and in the middle of it, i started to feel kinda crappy and bloated. i thought it was pms-related (hello, cd 102!) and not just giving in to my cravings for nuts of all kind - (oh, nuts, how do i love thee, let me count the ways while eating you by the handful), but here i am, ten days or so later, still feeling kinda emo, still feeling kinda bloated, and a good four pounds of so above where i was before my holidays and where i'd like to be. i thought that a supplement that i started taking a few weeks ago, l-lysine, might be to blame. i've since stopped taking it, which kinda sucks, too, because everyone is raving about its effect on herpes. i'll see.

on top of everything, r. has been stuck on the canary islands because of volcano ash for the past week, too, and i miss him like crazy. we quite simply haven't seen enough of each other in the past month; i can't wait for him to get home, which could be as soon as today or monday.

in any way, i want to clean my act up again. i don't like what this feels like. i've been doing a bit better in the food department anyway (started counting points again yesterday, and even though i dug into my weekly allowance,  that's certainly a good thing). i've started cycling to work again. and with the guy not in town, i've been working out every day, too, alternating my regular weight training with yoga classes at the gym; that's helped with me feeling a bit more in control as well. i'll get a good sweaty workout tonight, and then possibly head to the sauna as well. and next monday, i've got a trainer date with c., to figure out how to get my workouts to a new level. right now, it's all been getting a bit too easy and just a tad boring. i need a challenge. i need change. i need my flow back. and i also need some sleep.

today

• workout (6pm) - 40 minutes cardio coach work out, 2 rounds fat burning circle, hypoy (haven't done that in months!), stretching, massage, sauna
• no snacking between meals
• meals:
  brekkie: oatmeal
  lunch (with e.): probably a salad
  dinner: soba noodles with almondcurry sauce
  and only one cup of coffee and one piece of choc after dinner

status update. [#3]

i didn't manage to start eating better at dinner yesterday: my parents hadn't prepared the greatest meal, really (just some baked potatoes), and i compensated with ice cream, afterwards. twice.

today, however, was fabulous: oatmeal for brekkie, sushi and algae salad for lunch, a fruit smoothie as a snack and wholewheat pasta with homemade (by me) veggie sauce for dinner. and some high quality dark choc for dessert. all' good, me thinks.

haven't worked out since wednesday morning though; woke up too late on friday to do yoga before my work meeting. can't wait to get to the gym on monday morning. and to ashtango yoga on monday night, yeah.

'tis all good.

status update. [#2]

the holidays are over, and oh, were they fun. so far, i'm not yet stuck in the daily grind yet again, because lots of different than usual stuff has been happening. i've been at a work related event for the past two days. it's been fun work, stuff that i am passionate about, stuff that's important to my career, and i've had a fab two days deep in discussion and argueing. both has been successful and right now, i am on my way to spend the weekend with my parents, which is nice, too.

a couple of notes, however:

• i can't wait to see the official photo shoot of the group of folks doing the work thing, just so that i can show you the before and afters. i hadn't looked at last years' photo in a while. it's quite...something.
  
  
• this work event was a tiny group thing. we're ten people in total. and one of the dudes is obese. think: 500lb or so. when i first met him last year, i was in total shock. i'd never seen someone that fat ever before (i'd never been to the us), and the photos he has of himself on the net (i'd known him online for a while) had been totally and utterly misleading. he's smart and funny and knows his stuff, but sitting next to him for two days straight, his behaviour towards and around food weirded me out somewhast. we spend the entire time at the same hotel, so work and meals were intertwined, and we went out for dinner last night. said guy didn't join us for the meals, and instead scarfed down the snacks inside our conference room, quite possibly (and really, i am guessing here) because the chairs in the restaurant (where we ate) had armrests. or something. and it made me feel like shit that i noticed. and that i was weirded out by his size. and because...it just did. i feel terrible about noticing. and about noticing how he was out of breath after we got back from a 200m walk across the road to take the group photo. and i hope i didn't make him uncomfy. and i hope he felt good these past two days. he certainly didn't look the part, and i certainly didn't help him.
  
  
• i have a major case of the munchies though. it's been that way for the past week, really, ever since i got back from the us. had so much cake and chocolate and so many nuts and.... not sure where this is coming from, and i vow to make better choices starting right now, at my next meal, tonight. because no matter where this is coming from - happiness and wellbeing will not be found inside a lärabar wrapper, right?

more (including a re-cap of my awesome holidays and goals for the week - no, really!) soon.