so.

"so." i say, every morning, after lingering longer than i should when kissing the guy goodbye in the morning, when i finally get up to go. sometimes, it takes more than one "so." i noticed these past few days that i say this tiny word with a really annoying tone in my voice, full of dread and boredom and forced activity and fake cheeriness. i hope you can imagine it, as i pick up my poor old weight loss blog.

so.

everything's been a bit rough round here. i'm generally happy, yes, but i was swamped at work, we had the kids staying over, i was travelling a lot, there were houseguests, hormones (hello, cd 141!) and emotional eating.

so.

and i've finally admitted defeat and taken charge again. the way i'd been eating lately just hasn't been working. today, the scale showed 66.8kg, and while i am sure a bit of that is hormonal/water weight/what have you, it is still a whopping 5kg more than my lowest weight, back in january, and 3kg more than what i feel comfy with.

i can see these 3kg, in my thighs, and my bum and my belly. and i don't need them and don't want them, and so i'm back to properly counting points again.

i should have done that right after my holidays in march, actually. instead, i fell into a comfy hole padded with fluffy oatmeal and nuts and cake. i've not only been performing the search for the perfect lärabar replacement, and really: while they're yummy, i should eat fruits and nuts, not fruit and nuts bars, and planning badly, and eating too large portions and too much chocolate and too much cake. and on top of that, i've been stressed out at work and worrying about stuff (mainly related to my & our living situation), and that had me eating as well, which is above silly and pointless and just doesn't get me anywhere.

i kept saying that i wanted to start, to kick those final kgs, to fight to the finish, what have you, but i just didn't have it in me. i was just too tired of the challenge. and also, a good part of it was "damn, i deserve some new york cheesecake." which was the stupidest thought of them all, because ny cheesecake is no birthright, and yes, it's yummy (especially made this way), but it's not a food group, it's not even real food. it's a treat. i should treat it that way.

so. i'm back to eating really well, back to my old fave foods that helped me lose weight in the first place. no more cheesecake, for now, no more bars. no more chocolate, besides my lovingly portioned 10g of premium choc with my nightly espresso. i ate this way today, lots of fruits, and greek yoghurt, and a fab 101 cookbooks dinner tonight, and i felt satisfied and well fed and happy all day. eating well, watching what i eat is no punishment. it is an expression of self-love. i got to remind myself of that.

above all, i am trying not to freak out because of this setback. it is, quite simply, proof that a) by losing weight i've not magically transformed into a skinny person, i.e. someone who can eat whatever she wants and b) i medicate with food instead of dealing with my issues. i need to be change that. it is supremely unhealthy.

to finish this off, however, i really don't want to overanalyze these past few weeks though. that'd just be a manifestation of a "i'm struggling"-mindset. instead, i want
to focus on all the good stuff i'm doing to feel better again. which is a wee bit hard right now, because on top of everything, i've been struggling with a major head cold since friday.

but today was a good start. tomorrow will be just as good. or even better.

mapplethorpe.

that work thing i did saturday night took place at a museum hosting a robert mapplethorpe exhibition. i knew his work casually, had filed him away as the dude with the dicks and the flowers and patti smith. so before we kicked off our four hour livestream, i had the chance to check out the exhibition, and got a quick guided tour. to my great surprise, there weren't just dicks and flowers and patti smith: there were also female bodybuilders. neither the photos, nor the portrayed women look anything like bodybuilding these days.  they were beautiful, and irritating. check them out: lisa lyons & lydia cheng.
i'm kinda longing for some prints to put up as motivation.

same old, same old.

it's happened again: i'm at my parents' place, and i've fallen into a cake-shaped hole.

it was kicked off by a workday that lasted until 2am this morning, gained momentum when i discovered that there were none of my fave foods available for brekkie (had to resolve to bread rolls and an egg, duh. sundays in germany=no shops are open, and my parents are about to head off on a holiday, so they're trying to empty the fridge), and then i spent my day grazing. partly with healthy stuff, like fruit and walnuts. but also on cookies. and one lead to another and another and... i got into a total "oh, it's ruined, i can start fresh some other time-mindframe, until i finally managed to get a grip by dinner time. dinner was white asparagus and new potatoes and a side of edamame, which was nice. but yeah: it's been stressful (if a lot less stressful than that visit in november), and i've been hungry, and achy (hello, uterus, what are you been up to, dearest? you're all achy and crampy yet not doing much. what is UP with you?) and have slept too little.

tomorrow will be better. hell, this very moment is better already.

that work thing i did, btw, went pretty damn well. i've been checking flickr for pictures tonight, and i actually kinda like what i'm seeing. i mean: http://tinyurl.com/34hgfn2 that's not so bad, eh? can't get over what my legs actually look like. all my hard work? totally paying off. oh yes.

in any way, here's my food plan for tomorrow:
brekkie: oatmeal (will totally head to the shops at 8am to hunt for breakfast)
lunch: sushi (& edamame, if i can find some)
dinner: red lentil soup with mozzarella
snacks: bananas, yoghurt & the like

and while my soup is cooking, i will do a little bit of yoga, just a 20 minute class from yoga download.

can't wait to have my life back on wednesday. i miss it and it's rhythms already.

i love a good plan.

i feel so much better. i guess it had all been a bit much, lately. and i had failed to plan. which means planned to fail, obviously.

the other day, my fabulous motivational matchup, lizzie reminded me that i've been here, and done that before (mystery weight gain, hunger, everything) and that switching up my gym routine always makes me hungry, and renée of lowfatpie gratiously offered via twitter to look at my foodlog. which has been awesome, because it has made me track better (and well, there are obviously a few more points on my logs, than anticipated) and want to choose more variety. just two days have made a difference in how i feel. so thanks, you two!

last night, i was super exhausted and got out of the office later than hoped, so when the 'i don't want to go to the gym'-talk started in my head, i called r., told him i needed a pep talk, and he delivered. and it was all good: working out last night even though i didn't feel like it, really helped me clear my head and made me feel good. gotta remember that!

this week has been super stressful. i'm about to head up north for four days in a few hours. tonight, i will be moderating a four hour live stream from an event up north, so if you want to see & hear me live in action and wearing dressy shorts and a flowy grey top, go to http://tinyurl.com/2a45a6b (no link, because i am soooo sneaky about the weight loss blogging!). we start streaming at 8pm cet (7pm gmt/2pm edt/11am pdt), and users can participate via twitter and facebook.

and me? i'm super stressed. have never moderated for this amount of time, feel totally out of my league because i'm not quite up to par with the local political and art scene (have decided to just make that my thing for the night - not being a local). and of course i'm doubting my ability to do that kind of thing in the first place (ye older "i am an impostor!"-line of thought) and worried stupidly about looking stupid (and saying stupid stuff) and ugly. bought new clothes (dresscode for us was 'smart casual', which means what exactly for women again?) and got a make up appointment this arvo. it'll all be fun. i hope.

spending two days at my parents (instructing my mom on exactly what kind of lärabars to bring home from the us - they'll be visiting my brother next week, yay!), and then on tuesday, i'm heading to a work event, where i'll be representing that award i've been involved in. big press conference, where the results of what we've been up to these past few months will be unveiled. also worried about looking capable, smart and good there.  ahem. 'tis always the same. wondering whether people i admire professionally also feel this way.

so keep your fingers crossed, everyone. and tune in tonight. just 13 hours to go! eeep!

off.

i'm not happy right now, people. i'm off, ever so slightly. my gym going and working out is great. my eating, however, these past few days, just hasn't been up to par. i'm hungry, hungry, hungry. my appetite is bottomless. i worked way too much on monday and tuesday, planned my meals badly and ended up eating crappily as a result. today i brought lots of yummy snacks to work, and i ate them all way too quickly. i haven't tracked my points. i feel puffy and bloated and swollen.

i keep thinking that this is pms, but my period still hasn't show up. so it's all in my head. the kid' visits, work, a big assignment coming up this weekend that really, really, really scares me. no wonder i'm reaching for the banana bread as consolation.

i will make better choices starting right this very moment. i will start tracking again at my next meal. i've got a busy few days ahead, i need energy and clarity. i can do this.

goals for the week. [#12]

my weight on sunday morning:

65,2kg. seriously, what is up here? i'm absolutely perplexed by what's been happening on the scale lately. yes, i've been eating all my points (but not my activity points). but i'm exercising a lot. and riding my bike everywhere. i should not be gaining weight living like this. is it water rentention? (not sure, the bodyfat measurements on my scale fluctuate kinda wildly.) and if so, who and what's to blame? pms? (cd 112, yeah!) the warmer weather? not drinking enough?

how was my week?

busy but much happier than the one before that. r.'s back and that's lovely. i revamped my workout plan. was adequately flexible with said plan. and spend a 20 minutes on the crosstrainer for the first time in months. and now? i've got knee pain again. duh!

how did i do on my goals?

• sleep more than 6 hours every night - yup! these past two days i've really caught up on much needed sleep;
• work on my pull-ups - yup!
  
• no baking - yup! just barely, however. got some dying bananas on my kitchen table waiting to be resurrected as banana bread.
• eat reasonably at the birthday party - failed. kinda. i ate really reasonable first and second courses. but then came the cake and desserts. felt sick for the rest of the day, no fun.



nsv of the week:



didn't really have one. however, i dealt with an urgent nolunchbreaksuperhungrymeetinginfiveminutes-crisis by eating two spoonful of nut butter and eating some fruit. in the past, i would i've sprinted down to the bakery downstairs. well done, gal.

where's my head at?

i'm surprisingly stressed by the number on the scale. and i hate that.

what will i do this week?

it's houseguest time again. r.'s daughter is here, and when she leaves on tuesday, his son will show up. they're much easier (and fun!) to have around than strangers, but still disrupt our routines. on friday, i will head north to my rents for work for five days total. boo. not feeling like travelling yet again at all.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• monday, am: gym (2 rounds fat burning circle, as much cardio as i've got time, stretching)
  
• wednesday, am : (2 rounds fat burning circle, as much cardio as i've got time, stretching), pm: yoga class, sauna
  
• friday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, as much cardio as i've got time, stretching)
• not sure yet, what i'll do while at my rents, can't run, so possibly some homemade bikram or sp.

weekly goals:

• stay away from the crosstrainer and be kind to my knees;
• really, really, really count points again;
• i suspect my portion size is totally crap, so i won't be doing "satiety portions" but actually weigh out all portions instead; and
• less fruit, more veges. and when and if i have fruit, always add some good fat for more satiety and to lessen the high.