all work and no play.

things are going better. i'm feeling a lot better about everything already, and it's not due to the fact that i'm counting points, it's due to the fact that i'm taking care of myself again. i felt hunger for the first time in weeks these past days. and it felt good to feed myself because i was hungry (and to make a good choice then), not because i was stressed out tired or because it was lunchtime.

i'm still super tired, though. and i realised what my main issue right now is: i hate the fact that everything feels like work right now. there's my main, bill-paying job, obviously, and on top of that there's a gym habit that feels like a part-time job at times, i'm like a b&b host for the houseguests, cook & housekeeper for the bf and i (even if i go to the gym after work, i'm usually home before him, so if i don't want to wait hungry...), go-to-problem-solver for one of the kids who's in a dire situation right now, and on top of that i'm me, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend. i seriously suck at the latter, btw, because the first few things take up so much time and leave me so exhausted that i just can't deal with anyone or anything at the end of the day. like right now, for example, when i'm surprisingly home by myself for a few hours. there are so many things i should be doing (laundry, some extra work, prepare a skit my friend g. and i will be doing at our bosses wedding on saturday,...) but i'm making a conscious decision to not do any of that and to just hang out in bed for a while, blogging. here's to some me-time, hooray!

however. i need to figure out some things, and i need to do so, soon.

the main one is my or rather - our - living situation. due to the way r. and his business pal changed their shop concept last year, there will be a recurring need to house people for a few days or a few weeks. there is no way around it. this summer, r. and i hosted the majority of 'em for a variety of reasons. when we didn't have work people stay over, we had family staying because of various dramas. r. wasn't (and isn't) phased by either one bit. he's used to living in hectic households, and hey, these were his colleagues, and his (previous) family, not mine. i'm different. while i like having people around, i am seriously bothered by hecticness and things being out of place, and also by some specific people we've had to host. i'm the one with the regular job, the one who has to get up first every morning, the one who gets the groceries and the toilet paper and does the laundry. and i've reached my limit, to be honest.

and i'm not sure how we can solve this, really, not sure what rules we can instill that will make life better for me. install date night? (when?) enforce breaks between houseguest? (not possible, most likely). i know that small things cans make a big difference (we swapped wardrobes, btw, which gave me the one in our bed- instead of the guestroom, which made life a lot better instantly), but i find it hard to find and name these small solutions. and even if we set rules: how are we going to make them work with our hectic, always changing schedules and unexpected happenings?

the weirdest bit is this though: i still have my little appartment. an appartment i haven't slept in for months. i can't imagine spending a night there, again, really, and yet i've kept that flat. as a security blanket (a really expensive one, too). however, i weigh living with r. against peace and quiet (and loneliness), living with r. wins. and yet. it can't go on like this. because the way things are right now is making me unhappy.

part of it is probably because i feel so uprooted here. my things aren't here, this isn't my home (yet), this is still very much r.'s house. maybe i feel so threatened by this string of houseguests, because they make me feel like a guest as well. i'm so worried about whether we will be able to make this my home. i'm worried about whatever moving-in-related-crap we might argue about, worried about our clashing lifestyles. worried about what will happen then. hello, fear of committment, what the hell are you doing here?

i wish i had a conclusion here, but i don't. apart from this one, maybe: my eating habits these past few weeks have very little to do with food, and a hell of a lot to do with my feelings. who would have thought?

1 comment:

Pinky said...

wow. heavy stuff. it's no wonder you feel so tired and things feel like work.

First thing you can do is go a little bit easier on yourself. I know it's not an ideal situation but if you ACCEPT things as they are at this very moment, (not saying you should accept this is your life for the rest of it... no, just the present moment) maybe already you can let go of some of the things you have no control over.

You can not take all the burden, especially with the practical things, so next step is to somewhat non-emotionally talk to r. about things that you need. Helpful to already know what those things are of course - but think practical. You need to not cook all the time. You need to not be the one buying the groceries all the time. Two things that can already be divided up in the household. You also NEED him to be slightly phased by it, to understand that you are on the opposite part of the spectrum here. Like meet you in the middle so that you are not so overwhelmed.

don't beat yourself up over these things. accept this moment. it will not be forever. if staying at your own apt is not an option (and honestly, I would even say you NEED to have at least some time on your own, where you feel like it's your own space, even once a month or week or whatever), accepting this temporary situation may help a little bit.

hang in there!