on the wagon, part two.

so it's happened again. this week? has been killing me. and even though it's friday evening already, it's still not done, this one: i'll spend all day tomorrow teaching a bunch of undergrads. and i've yet to do final prep on my presentation. well.

this week i've had a mardi gras donuts feast with the guy (which i'd been looking forward to for WEEKS), went to the gym before work on monday and friday (which is awesome - despite the 6:30am alarm clock) and once in the evening (wednesday), had a physio appointment before work on tuesday morning, spend all day thursday travelling (got up at 4am, came home at 10pm), saw one set of houseguests departing, and another one arriving and had a shitload of work. oh, and i had my hair cut off, quite dramatically, too. and i finished michael pollan's 'in defense of food', which was reassuring and inspiring and has already lead to a lot of additional changes and has inspired me to keep tweaking and improving my diet.

in short: it's been a lot. A LOT. with no time for sleeping, emailing, blogging, whathaveyou. but i'm proud of myself, really. these past two weeks have been extreme, and yet here i am, holding up quite nicely, still very much on the wagon, really. there's still not been any weight loss to speak of (just lots of little fluctuations, which are NORMAL!), which isn't that surprising, really, considering the mardi gras donuts and other assorted goodies, but my eating's still been really really really good, all things considered. and i'm holding up really well. and powering through. and asking for help. which is all SO MUCH BETTER than how i did in previous busy times.

well done, me. really.

still gotta get to my presentation, now. want to get at least seven hours of sleep before tomorrow... which would be as much as i've had the previous two nights, taken together. so there.

hello, thighs!

so glad to see you shrinking.

[strangely enough, the change in my thighs and stomach these past two months has felt much more extreme than what it actually looks like in these pics though. weird. still: very happy about what i have accomplished.]

goals for the week. [#10]

my weight on sunday morning:

still marvelling at how much it fluctuates in a week. i'm trying hard to cultivate a really scientific, non-judgemental mindset in regards to my weight, as in 'i am observing this weird, shifting natural phenomenon that has nothing to do with me'. and it is, in a way: i have no idea what my body does in response to water, food, sodium, work outs. so here i am, trying to learn about it. fun!

also: now that january is over (and i've gotten over my knee shock and everything), i should totally step it up a notch and finally tackle these last few pounds, right? right.

how was my week?

one part nightmare, one part calm. the second half of the week was much better than the first, and on satuday and sunday, i really unwinded. on saturday, i went to farmers market, to the gym, to the supermarket and then home. didn't do anything besides showeing, puttering around at home and cooking dinner. and then i fell asleep on the couch by ten. heaven! didn't get anything done that needed getting done, though. ahem. you do what you have to do. right now that is: resting. sunday was hence the same, apart from three hours i spent at a band contest because of work.

how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yup!
  
• no booze - yup!
  
• take a lunch break on thursday and friday - yes - took a superbrief one with the bf on thursday, and a shopping one on friday;
  
• stay in touch with lizzie - yup!
  
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening - not often enough, but yes;
  
• get more physio appointments - nope, will call first thing monday morning;
  
• get appointment for insoles - nope, need to talk about it with chris before doing so;
  
• blog about my knee issues and 2010 goals - done (kinda); and
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - still in draft stage, but getting there.
  



nsv of the week:



decided to take some measurements today. compared to the last time i did so, two months ago, at more or less weight the same, i have lost:

• 1cm each off of my hips and chest (sob) ; and
• 2cm each off each arm, my stomach, and each thigh.

yay!

what will i do this week?

this week will be busy again, both at work (really need to work on my uni stuff!) and at home. we'll have houseguests all week, which will be the first time of many.

not sure whether i ever mentioned it, but the bf is a piercer and body modifier who runs a studio with his best friend. they did a major move and revamp last year, and part of said revamp is offering tattoo services in their store, done by (travelling) guest artists from across the world. this is a major life change, in a way, because this means we'll more or less regularly have people stay with us for a week or so. we've always had people staying over a lot anyway, but that's either been the kids, or very good friends, and now we'll have people come and stay who are not yet friends. or so.

in any way, the first two arrived last night, c & c (she's called caro, too!), i like these two, they were here for a few days in december, and it'll doubtlessly work. they'll be here for a week, and it'll be interesting to cultivate a groove with them here. i'm usually in a 'must be a fabulous host mode' when people are staying over, but these past few months, i've really worked hard on letting that slide a bit and relaxing more. the people who come and visit us (hopefully) won't care if there's still that untidy cupboard in the kitchen, but they'll (hopefully) enjoy a yummy dinner and good conversation and a more relaxed me, though.

it's still going to be interesting, though, because i very much need to live my regular, everyday life while they are here, which means sleeping enough, working out and getting up early.

i'll be the first one out the door in the morning, so apart from choosing my clothes the previous night and getting them out of the guestroom (where we keep all of our clothes), nothing much will change in the mornings. i'm kinda expecting more eating out in the evenings, which i'm not a fan of right now, but well, small concession. i'll happily cook dinner once or twice but that'll be it, really.


when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (35 minutes cardio coach, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
  
• thursday, pm: (35 minutes cardio coach; 2 rounds fat burning circle, another 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night (if possible)
  
• saturday, am: gym (15 minutes cardio, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• not get too stressed out by our visitors;
• no bread;
  
• no booze;
  
• take at least a brief lunch break every day;
• get out of the office by 6pm every day;
  
• stay in touch with lizzie;
  
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening;
  
• get more physio appointments;
  
• get appointment for insoles; and
  
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

inspiration. [#11]

"it’s counter intuitive, but true, that losing weight is very emotionally taxing. i read a lot of blogs by others who have also experienced a similar weight-loss and feel this sort of anticlimactic remorse. it’s like setting out for a long journey in which you are isolated and consumed by this quest and when you finally reach your destination, well…it’s akin to being reintroduced into society. it’s exciting, frustrating and invariably disappointing. that’s kinda how i feel sometimes – like i was gone in this quest and, now that i’m back, i have no choice but to acknowledge how different my life is and how differently others receive me. i also have to acknowledge how it’s not different in the ways i thought it would be."

[feed me i'm cranky: big fat musings]

annabel's entire post really resonates with me. what i'm also struggling with a bit right now is a weird kind of delayed guilt for gaining the weight, treating myself so poorly in the first place - and, above all, failing to realise how far gone i was.

"i was still fat!" i exclaimed while looking at a picture of me a few weeks ago. the pic had been taken in the spring of last year or so, when i weighed about 12kg less than i did when i first started. "yes, you were", said the bf. and bizarrely enough? that hurt me. in some totally warped way, i'd somehow thought that no one had noticed that i was overweight. i mean: i hadn't. really. but of course they had, including my most favourite person, the bf. "you were actually the biggest person i'd ever dated", he added. "did you ever consider not doing so because of my weight?" i asked. "yes, i did. but before i could come to a concluion, i had already fallen in love with you."

phew. that stung for a moment, too. i'm thankful that he's that honest, though.

i've been thinking about this, since then: i could have missed out on this awesome relationship (the best i've ever had) because of my weight (and this would have been his loss, obviously, too). now i am nowhere near blaming my fat for things that didn't work out in the past (and if my fat is to blame for stuff, i quite likely will never know, anyway), but it makes me sad, retroactively. and wonder about the now, too.

i, too, believe that i have not fundamentally changed. i am still vegetarian, i still suck at paying bills, still talk too loud and i can't, for the life of me, answer email in a timely fashion. however, i am now superdedicated to being healthy, i eat in a very specific way, dress differently, work out. and above all, the way people perceive me has fundamentally changed. and i still just can't seem to find a balance (yet) between their image of me and mine.

cardio coach crush.

could shane o'malley say the words "cruise control" any sexier? i don't think so.

seriously, i never thought i could have this much fun doing cardio. cardio coach is optimistic and cheerful and awesome and hard. three workouts in, and i totally love it. i was dripping with sweat by the time i got to step off the spinning bike (which flew by, again). and: knee pain free.

me=happy.

a new friend.

you've got a new friend.

you've got a new friend.

likes to go to the gym.

likes to run far and wide.

sounds familiar, better hold on tight:

a good pair of shoes can be so hard to find.

you've got a new friend.

you've got a new friend.

and the two of you don’t ever seem to part

you got a new friend ooh.

you got a new friend, now i’m the odd pair gone.

you got a new friend.

you got a new friend, i know

[dear tim, please forgive this crappy joke. i love you. and that song. and my new shoes.]

cardio coach, the bike & me.

so. all is not lost, fellas. i will not die of boredom on a stationary bike any time soon. because i've found cardio coach.

shauny wrote about him this past week, and i finally purchased an episode today (totally missing out on her discount, boo), and dudes! i had fun on the bike today! i used episode one for my pre-fat-burn-circuit 30 minute cardio, and again afterwards. and now? i am spent. in the best way possible. i can't believe that i did about 70 minutes of cardio without a second of boredom. crazy.

the episode worked so well on both the boring, sucky stationary bike and even better on the much more fun spinning bike my gym keeps in the cardio area (which is taken most of the time). time just flew by, and i loved it, and now i feel like i finally got a good cardio workout again. and my knees don't hurt at all. woohoo!

sean really, really had me the moment he started talking about lance and the yellow jersey and....oh, i love me a good tdf mental image to get myself going. oh yes. so: i'm now in love with cardio coach!

last night, i listened to the latest two fit chicks podcast (featuring lizzie and me in the blogger news bit, yay!), and shauny's and carla's advice on getting through an injury made me realise that i could handle my knee issues much better, and work a wee bit harder while looking at myself better. the idea that i could actually improve on some things while letting my knees heal? had never crossed my mind. but that's what i want to do. and that's what i kicked off tonight.

i also had a lovely epiphany at the gym tonight: i really don't care much about perfection anymore. and that's fab. that lovely spin bike i mentioned? was taken when i got in. and instead of getting all angry about it, i used what was available (the boring stationary bike), and did the best that i could.

i always used to have that 'perfect or not at all'-mindframe. and i don't have that anymore. it's lovely to have that perfect workout, that perfect eating week every once in a while. but if it's not happening? who cares. i can still do the best i can with what's available. make the best possible choices on a crappy menu, use the cardio equipment that's available instead of the one that i really want, work out for an hour instead of an hour and a half if i am in a rush. there is no point in freaking out about not being able to achieve perfection. if something doesn't go 100 % as planned? so what. it's just one workout in a lifetime of workouts, just one meal in a lifetime of meals. i can never be perfect, but i can always try to make the best choice possible, try to do the very best that i can.

so there.

me: happy. and hungry. and waiting for the boyfriend to be done with getting tattoed so that we can go out for dinner. where i will make the best possible choice.

i'm so very happy tonight.

what's in my bag? [gym-bag edition.]

click-through to see annotations on flickr

ch-ch-ch-changes.

picasa's facial recognition feature is super-useful and super-creepy. it's been freaking me out a bit, really: it finds all the crappy pictures i ignored back when they were taken. and hence provides a much more realistic view of myself over the years than, say, my self-edited-must-look-fab-let's-take-another-selfportrait-flickr-stream.

2007

2009/2010

and comparing the crappy old pics with the new ones? is kinda awesome, really.

my new (kinda) realistic 2010 fitness goals

goal #1: get happy knees again
my knees are unhappy. and they've been unhappy since late october, and they haven't improved at all, despite not running and icing them all the bloody time.
how will i get there? rest. warmth. physiotherapy. working on hamstrings. stretching. new running shoes. insoles in my regular shoes.
time frame? start asap. significant improvement hopefully within three weeks. full happiness by may 1st. (maybe?)

goal #2: do at least 3 full unassisted pull-ups in a row
considering i can't entertain any running goals right now, this is an upper body one which should keep me entertained for a while.
how will i get there? start with assisted pull-ups, work my way down the assistance levels every week. i started at level 15 (80-something lb support), with 3 sets of 15. i will attempt to lower my level every three workouts, i.e. every week.
time frame? start asap. complete by june 1. (no clue whether that's do-able, to be honest.)

goal #3: run at least one 5k race
maybe the one i ran last year?
how will i get there? get happy knees again, start running again, slowly.
time frame? mid-september?

goal #4: run at least one 10k race
how will i get there? get happy knees again, start running again, slowly, not overdoing it.
time frame? november?

goal #5: learn how to swim proper crawl
putting my grande triathlon goals to rest for the time being gives me more time to learn how to swim properly.
how will i get there? take swimming classes.
time frame? research class by april 1st. start class by june 1, at the latest.

goals for the week. [#9]

[i'm a bit late with these, but better late than never, right?]

my weight on sunday morning:

63,4kg. still weighing myself every day, and trying to get used to that. some mornings, i've had to remind myself actively that that number has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my self-worth. that it's just a number. nothing else. same old, same old. surprisingly though, on other days, i really don't care. because today, i noticed that i've actually shrunk out of yet another set of skirts, even though i haven't lost any weight. good stuff!


how was my week?

let's not talk about this week, yes? the last ten days have been rough. not because anything terrible happened, really, but i've been working too much, taking too few breaks (as in: none), and slept way too little. and then i was told i should ditch all my goals because of my knees! haha!


nah.

it really wasn't all that catastrophic, though. i still worked out as planned (with only stationary biking as cardio, however) and ate ok. for once i kinda ate all of my points, which had been my plan and all, but felt kinda odd. only troublesome spot was late-night-eating during and after djing on saturday night. banana bread upon coming home at 5am? i've done smarter things.



and did i mention that i've got another bout of viral fun?

through all that i struggled mightily at staying in touch with my awesome motivational match-up lizzie. and that sucked. which made me feel sucky. and stopped me from opening up twitter. which made me feel even suckier. and.... gah!


enough.


how did i do on my goals?

• no bread - yup! (apart from some homemade baked goods that don't count, though.)
• no booze - yup!
• ice my knees twice every day - yup! quitting that now, though. my physio (who i reckon knows my knees best) thinks i don't actually have any inflammation. and hence recommends warmth. and so i'll give my knees a hot water bottle every night from now on. and just ice straight after workouts, in case of pain.
• read the beck book on my way to work - somewhat. did that three of four times, then chose another book.
• finish getting my flash cards ready - nope. simply didn't have time. am postponing all beck related goals till march; it's just not happening right now.
• get appointments for physio - yup! had my first appointment on tuesday, need to get more! research new running shoes - yup! bought awesome asics nimbus 11!
• get appointment for insoles - not yet, but got everything ready to do so, i.e. got recommentations on a place to get them done, etc.
• blog about my 2010 goals - just not time
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - just not time.



nsv of the week:



got lots of compliments by lots of different people, including my physio (who hadn't seen me in two months or so), a colleague, and others. i also realised that i now need a size small in regular american apparel girl t-shirts. it used to be large a year ago! woohoo!




what will i do this week?

i want to try to calm down a bit these next few days. it's been so hectic round here, so adrenaline-driven, with early mornings and late nights and lots of deadlines and crap. and way too little sleep. all deadlines have been met (for now), and i'll try to set my stuff up in a way that i won't end up in deadline hell again any time soon. there'll still be a lot of work though.

apart from regular office stuff i'll have to prep for my uni course on saturday (the class is in two and in three weeks) and attend an event on sunday. other stuff that'll impact my plans: tomorrow will be kinda difficult because the public transport folks will be on strike, so i'll have to bike (which i don't ever do in winter). on friday, one of the bf's kinda-kids will arrive for a weekend visit as well, and then on sunday, our houseguests for the next two weeks will arrive as well.




when will i work out and what will i be doing?

• tuesday, pm: gym (3 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes cardio, stretching) - done!
• thursday, pm: (30 minutes cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, another 30 minutes cardio, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
• saturday, am: gym (3 rounds strength circle, weights, 45 minutes cardio, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

• no bread;
• no booze;
• take a lunch break on thursday and friday;
• stay in touch with lizzie;
• use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening;
• get more physio appointments;
• get appointment for insoles;
• blog about my knee issues and 2010 goals;
• blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

on the wagon.

i have not fallen off the earth or the wagon: i've just been swamped with work and social stuff (friends visiting! djing!) and more work. and then more work. and i've been kinda down, really, as well. a result of the former, i guess.

i've been holding up ok, though. haven't fallen headfirst into chocolate, or anything, even if i've been eating more in a 'maintain' than in a loss-mode, which was my plan, but which hasn't been working so great: my physicsdiet-chart dipped into red territory for the first time, ever, which is freaking me out a bit. as is my to-do-list. so many things on there.

need to get a grip on things. and i will. tomorrow. ha.