on the weight watch

square # whatever.

2011-10-31T20:30:00.000+01:00

i got to start using this space again. because not using this space is not working anymore. tautology ftw!i've been struggling with being healthy, lately. which is good, i guess, because struggling means that you haven't given up yet, right? isn't that how the saying goes? fact is: life's been hectic in recent months, and with life being hectic came missed gym dates and crappy lunches and cake in the afternoon, because life's been so hectic. and then there were two wonderful holidays without workouts and three weeks looking after the kiddo, and then the time was switched over last weekend, and now it's dark, all of a sudden, and my clothes fit weird and i'm not feeling so great. also, this morning i got on the scale at my gp, and even though i swore that i didn't want to know the number, i saw it.so there.it's still different, life. and better, of course. i've just lost my track a bit, and i'm hungry, so hungry (haha!), to regain it. to be more conscious about everything again, above all myself and what's happening to me and how i'm making the best of everything. haven't been doing that lately, really. i suspect that my being hectic and my not looking after myself so well is an attempt to make myself miserable in the most easy way so that i've got something to spend my time on and don't get a chance to tackle the stuff that's actually important. or something. weird theory, that one, i admit.and yet.i ran a lot, this summer, spending 16 weeks preparing for a 10k. it was hard work, but it was worth it. i reached my goal of running the 10 in less than 60 minutes. running that much really burned me out though. i was barely able to do anything besides running, was always superhungry and while my stamina improved, the rest of my physical skills really declined. after the race, i took some time off running, started lifting weights again and did tons and tons of ashtanga (three or four classes a week), and that was fine and dandy, but then came the holidays and the stress, and now i've been sitting on my bum for weeks, being hormonal and miserable.speaking of hormones: i suspect it's my weight gain that's made my cycles all wonky, out of a sudden. they'd been quite alright and more or less regular from june 2010 till june 2011. maybe the weight i was then was the best weight for my wonky pcos-enhanced endocrine system. who knows. fact is: right now i'm not feeling too good, and i want to feel better. and clothes i want to wear without tugging on them all the time. and there's this half marathon that i want to run on april 1st and that i'll have to start training for in mid december.so i'll get back to basics: good old weight training three times a week & points counting. and i'll take it all from there.been there, done that, right?

status update.

2010-09-07T14:12:00.001+02:00

it ain't easy, this trying to eat well and move and listen to my body-thing.

i've been very gently watching what i eat and couting points and am amazed every day by how quickly i run out of points. i'm even more amazed, however, by my urge to eat and eat and eat, even when i'm not hungry, even though it's much less stressful at our house right now (omg, no houseguests in five days! oh, look! that'll change tonight again! blergh.), even though we're heading off to italy tomorrow.

i finally started reading 'breaking free from emotional eating' (i bought it right after reading 'when food is love' in april) and it's an eye-opener in every way. no wonder i put off reading it for months, and even now, i've started (and almost finished) another book. just thinking about all this is tiring and touchy and whatnot. ordered the workbook to go with it, and will force, no, gently coax myself through it as well.

i'm just not feeling that great physically. i'm supertired and demotivated at work, and i threw my back out yet again over the weekend, and practically haven't moved my head since sunday (imagine me riding my bike home yesterday....that was not road safe.). saw a doc yesterday who told me i should simply take painkillers (helpful, that, who would have thought!), got myself am appointment with my ortho next week, and am seeing chris in just about 90 minutes (for the third time in two weeks, mind you). oh well.

on top of everything, the weekend was...indulgent. i drank booze for the first time in months really (made me realise while i haven't done that in a while), there was my boss' wedding (where the food was kinda crappy, but where i ate too much of the only food that was nice - cake!), an excursion to a winery on sunday and some salty food, and now i'm retaining water like crazy (which made me realise, yet again, why i stopped weighing myself). i feel all swollen and squishy and uncomfy and am (seriously, someone kick me for typing this) hoping this is not my cycle again (cd 17 today). reminding myself to drink lots, and tonight, i'll do some kind of workout and follow up with the sauna. likely a yoga class, anything else would be a very bad idea.

baby steps, baby steps.

all work and no play.

2010-09-01T23:44:00.001+02:00

things are going better. i'm feeling a lot better about everything already, and it's not due to the fact that i'm counting points, it's due to the fact that i'm taking care of myself again. i felt hunger for the first time in weeks these past days. and it felt good to feed myself because i was hungry (and to make a good choice then), not because i was stressed out tired or because it was lunchtime.

i'm still super tired, though. and i realised what my main issue right now is: i hate the fact that everything feels like work right now. there's my main, bill-paying job, obviously, and on top of that there's a gym habit that feels like a part-time job at times, i'm like a b&b host for the houseguests, cook & housekeeper for the bf and i (even if i go to the gym after work, i'm usually home before him, so if i don't want to wait hungry...), go-to-problem-solver for one of the kids who's in a dire situation right now, and on top of that i'm me, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend. i seriously suck at the latter, btw, because the first few things take up so much time and leave me so exhausted that i just can't deal with anyone or anything at the end of the day. like right now, for example, when i'm surprisingly home by myself for a few hours. there are so many things i should be doing (laundry, some extra work, prepare a skit my friend g. and i will be doing at our bosses wedding on saturday,...) but i'm making a conscious decision to not do any of that and to just hang out in bed for a while, blogging. here's to some me-time, hooray!

however. i need to figure out some things, and i need to do so, soon.

the main one is my or rather - our - living situation. due to the way r. and his business pal changed their shop concept last year, there will be a recurring need to house people for a few days or a few weeks. there is no way around it. this summer, r. and i hosted the majority of 'em for a variety of reasons. when we didn't have work people stay over, we had family staying because of various dramas. r. wasn't (and isn't) phased by either one bit. he's used to living in hectic households, and hey, these were his colleagues, and his (previous) family, not mine. i'm different. while i like having people around, i am seriously bothered by hecticness and things being out of place, and also by some specific people we've had to host. i'm the one with the regular job, the one who has to get up first every morning, the one who gets the groceries and the toilet paper and does the laundry. and i've reached my limit, to be honest.

and i'm not sure how we can solve this, really, not sure what rules we can instill that will make life better for me. install date night? (when?) enforce breaks between houseguest? (not possible, most likely). i know that small things cans make a big difference (we swapped wardrobes, btw, which gave me the one in our bed- instead of the guestroom, which made life a lot better instantly), but i find it hard to find and name these small solutions. and even if we set rules: how are we going to make them work with our hectic, always changing schedules and unexpected happenings?

the weirdest bit is this though: i still have my little appartment. an appartment i haven't slept in for months. i can't imagine spending a night there, again, really, and yet i've kept that flat. as a security blanket (a really expensive one, too). however, i weigh living with r. against peace and quiet (and loneliness), living with r. wins. and yet. it can't go on like this. because the way things are right now is making me unhappy.

part of it is probably because i feel so uprooted here. my things aren't here, this isn't my home (yet), this is still very much r.'s house. maybe i feel so threatened by this string of houseguests, because they make me feel like a guest as well. i'm so worried about whether we will be able to make this my home. i'm worried about whatever moving-in-related-crap we might argue about, worried about our clashing lifestyles. worried about what will happen then. hello, fear of committment, what the hell are you doing here?

i wish i had a conclusion here, but i don't. apart from this one, maybe: my eating habits these past few weeks have very little to do with food, and a hell of a lot to do with my feelings. who would have thought?

the summer of my discontent.

2010-08-30T12:38:00.000+02:00

in late june, i stopped weighing myself. i just didn't feel like it anymore. i also stopped counting points, which i hadn't really been doing for a while, anyway, and i stopped reading weight loss and fitness blogs and books about food and eating. call it an experiment in normaldom, if you wish, even if it wasn't a conscious decision to attempt intuitive eating, even if it wasn't a conscious thing at all.

i guess i was just tired of it all.

and then i had a hellish four weeks at work, had major intestinal trouble that sent me to my gp first, and then to a gastroenterologist, then i had to get a tooth pulled and despite all that my body somehow managed to do something my body practically never does: i had a cycle and menstruated a few times (horray for the effort, boo for the pms and the bloating and the boobs), and there was a bunch of travel that had me away from r. for way too long and i found myself being totally fed up and bored at the gym even though i still went three times a week and......and did i mention that we had houseguests for eight weeks straight? it wasn't because of them that i started being sneaky around food, but i did, and i somehow forgot that i feel best when i plan my daytime meals, so i was starving at work because i forgot my brekkie, started having cake for lunch or 500g of full fat vanilla yoghurt and half a bag of crunchy granola or a bag of wasabi dusted macadamias.....and somehow i started prefering some clothes over others, and during bikram class, i couldn't slide into garurasana as deeply as i used to because my thighs seemed so plump (must be the water weight!), and then yesterday i realised that i had to put on my largest jeans for the three hour hike with the dog, which made me feel so bad that i couldn't stop reaching for the (homemade, healthy, vegan) biscuits after dinner.....and this morning i finally stepped on my scale again, and i weigh 71.3kg.

the number doesn't matter. i'm actually really surprised that it really doesn't matter. what matters though, is that i don't feel well, haven't really felt well for these past eight weeks, and probably the eight weeks before that, too, back when my weight was creeping up and i was in a total panic about it. it was good to stop being panicky. it was not good to stop being...me.

i've been looking after myself crappily, not feeding myself well, being secretive about food, taking extra servings (always so scared to miss out, to go hungry, to not have enough, unable to stop), and now my clothes don't fit, and and yes, i could buy bigger ones, but i really don't want to. i like my clothes. i liked, no, loved the way i felt in my body in the spring. i miss that feeling.

i love myself. i love my body. i'm not angry with it, for wanting and holding on to some extra weight, so soft on my hips and thighs (extra padding to distance myself from all these people invading my household, my life?). i'm not angry with myself for gaining these five, seven, eight, whatever, kgs. i'm just sad about this summer, which really lacked in the fun and happiness and sunshine and eating strawberries department, sad about the stress and the worries and about being unable to reach out.

i tried, in a variety of ways ways, actually. sitting in my docs office, whining about my intestinal worries and about life, to which he recommended homeopathic anti-anxiety-medication which i tried for two weeks and hated. i had a trainer appointment the week before last, where i complained to c. about being run down, and she told me to relax, to do less, to change my routine, to go to the sauna after class, and who let me weigh in without me knowing the number. that helped, somewhat. and yet last week, i had to crawl into my physio's office after throwing out my back in pump class. how many more messages from my body do i need? message received, body. it's time to look after you better again.

i know that it'll all get better. everything will get better. r. and i we're figuring out how i'll finally, properly move in this fall. we'll go to italy, twice (and i won't think twice about wearing a bikini), and in early october, i'll fly out to chicago for a long weekend with my dad to see my brother run his first ever marathon.

i owe it to myself to make good choices for myself, to really work out (and not just go through the motions), to relax and stretch and quiet my mind in yoga class and to feed myself well and to treat me gently and look after my emotions. i'm trying to keep it simple, right now. all changes that i do right now have to be substainable. no extreme measures, no bootcamp.

for now, i'm starting to weigh myself again daily and to track my food by counting points again.

so there.

we're having a love affair.

2010-06-21T08:39:00.003+02:00

....that green drop and i. a hot and sweaty and happy love affair with lots of quality time at the gym and a bunch of great food.

i feel like myself again.

and that is all.

my life is complete.

2010-06-19T11:42:00.000+02:00

i finally found edamame in a local store. hooray!

bootcamp, day five.

2010-06-16T23:46:00.001+02:00

dudes. i am feeling so much better. SO MUCH BETTER! i've been eating well and lots and yummily, and i've been working out, well and lots and yummily. yesterday, i did a nicely hard weights session, and today i did my third long cardio session, while watching an itunes u political philosophy session from harvard. mens sana in corpore sano. right?

(still whispering weirdly. also forgot my headband and had a bad hair day after getting rained on three times.)

just 17 hours on the bike to go! afterwards i took a 90 minute yvengar class, my second, and because i'd forgotten to bring a second t-shirt (the first one was sweat through), i took the class in my sports top, which no one ever does at my gym. well. bit uncomfy, that.

the yvengar, however, wasn't uncomfy. it was fab. you know, theoretically, i hate yvengar. it's stupid accessories driven yoga. for non-flexible losers. or whatever. too bad it works so well. it's freaking hard, and i love that it's so detail obsessed. will continue to go, in the absence of a bikram studio.

the rest of my bootcamp stuff is going well, struggling most with drinking 80 oz of water a day, but that's no biggie.

so yeah. i feel so much better. oh yes.

the past three months.

2010-06-15T14:02:00.003+02:00

i've got a crush on that tiny little green drop at the very end there.

whine.

2010-06-14T19:13:00.000+02:00

on 15 days out of the last 45, the guy and i have had houseguests. and the next batch is set to arrive tomorrow.

trying to find a frame of mind that will let me get through the next few days, calmly and happily and unfazed and unstressed by the mess and chaos and everything else.

arnica d6.

2010-06-14T16:33:00.000+02:00

i don't believe in homeopathy. and yet i have to admit that that bruise on my leg, which was practically egg-size 23 hours ago, is a whole lot better.

weird.

cd154.

2010-06-14T08:42:00.001+02:00

after six weeks of hormonal horror, i'm having a party for my hardworking uterus today. oh yes. thank you, uterus, for finally getting your act together. i am so very very proud of you! :)

bootcamp, day two.

2010-06-13T23:46:00.008+02:00

one more boring hour on the bike down, yay! 't was a bit less boring then yesterday, actually. i listened to 'speaking of faith' and kept calculating how many % i'd already done.

what was not so yay though, was this: right after hopping off the bike, i smashed my shin into a crosstrainer, which resulted in some bleeding and a bruise so immediately massive, that i headed home sans vibra plate and sans stretching to ice it and to start chuckinh homeopathic arnica. that was painful and pretty embarrassing (not the first time i've run into stuff at the gym), and i'm a bit annoyed by the fact that my legs are always bruised in the summer.

duh.

right now, walking hurts, so i am officially cancelling tomorrow mornings' cardio workout and moving it to either tuesday or thursday, depending on how my leg feels.

inspiration. [#13]

2010-06-12T23:12:00.001+02:00

the great fitness experiment: who would i be if i weren't broken?

[which is yet another reminder that i shoul finally, finally pick up geneen roth's "breaking free from emotional eating" that's been on my nightstand for a few weeks and that i keep putting down because it hits too close to home.]

bootcamp, day one.

2010-06-12T17:47:00.003+02:00

this morning, i kicked off my jillian michaels inspired self-planned kickass-bootcamp and spend some quality time at the gym, including a rather boring hour on the stationary bike. because the knee is still wonky (and felt surprisingly crap today), i can't hang out on a crosstrainer for an hour.

in any way, here's proof:

(i'm whispering very weirdly. got to work on my filming-self with ipod-technique.)

't was good!

i've figured out how i will attempt to work out this week, and it's rather insane, totally not how i want to spend my life for the rest of my life, but i'll give it a go, for this week. just because.

sunday: vibraplate, one hour cardio, stretching
monday: am, one hour cardio, stretching; pm: 90 minutes ashtanga
tuesday: pm warm up, fat burning circle, weights, stretching
wednesday: am, one hour cardio, stretching; pm: 90 minutes yvengar
thursday: pm warm up, fat burning circle, weights, stretching
friday: am, one hour cardio, stretching
saturday: warm up, fat burning circle, vibraplate, weights, one hour cardio, stretching

this plan will quite likely (and rightfully so!) be derailed by the homebirth of a my friend e., whose second kid is set to arrive any day now, and while that will be happening, i will look after her firstborn. i will not let it be derailed by the soccer world cup and the impending visit of the boy kid and his boyfriend, who will be here starting tuesday.

and everything else? is going well. drinking water, eating self-prepared foods. all good.

kickstart.

2010-06-11T19:11:00.002+02:00

my body's still not back to normal. i'm still bloated and crampy and just feeling off. and yet i'm feeling better. it's all about the frame of mind, innit? i've been trying to listen to my body, eating when i'm hungry, and eating stuff that i am hungry for, and on wednesday evening, i made it to the gym and decided on a whim that i needed a yoga class, not my usual workout, and that felt good as well. i'm so glad i can be flexible about my workout habits, these days. i struggled with that big time in the past, one of the many reasons why i never managed to make my habits last.

i realised anyway, that i really need to give myself some credit. i've now managed to work out consistently for a whole year, and i am fitter than i've ever been. i've now been pretty consistently feeding myself well for more than two years. today, i ran into a friend of r. who hadn't seen me in a while and who said "good grace, girl, you've lost a ton of weight!". as i am writing this, i am wearing a size 36 dress. what i am learning to do right now is maintenance. i've never been at this spot, ever before. i've got no idea how this works. it's not surprising that i'm not that great at doing it yet, and on top of that, my poor body is majorly confused, hormone wise. it'll all be good. i'll get there.

in any way, i want to kick my own ass back into gear, for a while. in a loving way, obviously. to make myself feel better. because if i'm really honest with myself: i'm just a wee bit too comfy with everything, right now. i'm doing barely enough.

and i got jillian michaels newsletter today.

"you know what i like to call those last 10 or 15 pounds that won't come off no matter what you do? vanity pounds. the term describes our desire to lose weight that, as far as our bodies are concerned, actually feels healthy. today's society pressures us to want to look a certain way, so for aesthetic reasons we try to be thinner than our bodies want us to be. personally, i have gained and lost the same 8 vanity pounds more times than i care to admit. losing your first 50 pounds might have been tough, but believe me, dropping those final few stubborn pounds is a whole different challenge. the body struggles to hold on to that last bit of fat for survival purposes."

oh yes.

so i decided that i will be doing what jillian recommends to lose that weight anyway:

cut your sodium to 1,000 mg a day.
drink at least 80 ounces of water daily.
cut out processed foods.
abstain from alcohol.
train at 85 percent of your MHR (maximum heart rate) for 1 hour 5 times a week.

i'm properly starting tomorrow morning. and no, it's not a case of the tomorrows (you know those tomorrows, right? it's the ones that never ever happen.). i was telling myself i wasn't going to start this before july 1st, because starting asap will mean that i won't get to booze up on my birthday, at the big awards thing i'm going to at the end of the month and at the national gig i'm heading to in early july. but i am starting asap. and it will be worth it.

i made a lovely little motivational chart to put up on the fridge. i've got no idea yet how to get all that cardio done, but it's only 30 days and 20 workouts. i can totally do this.

kick, kick!

falalalalalaaaaaaa.

2010-06-08T11:34:00.000+02:00

another pound up today. and as if everything that wasn't sucky enough, i've got a super creepy infection on my gums. seeing my dentist at 1:30 today. and getting that lymphatic drainage massage after work.

bit much, everything.

in pufferfish mode.

2010-06-07T13:28:00.004+02:00

this morning, i weighed 68,3kg.

i am trying very very hard not to be freaked out by it, and i am totally and utterly failing. i'm obviously in total pufferfish-mode. i am on day 147 of my cycle (hahahaha! cycle!). it's suddenly warmed up significantly (finally 30°c yesterday). i drank too little these past few days. i had a carb heavy and kinda salty dinner. and also, this is just weight, a freaking number on the scale.

and yet.

i can see the fluid in my face and my arms and legs and feet and hands and especially my achy boobs (i am wearing a freaking sports bra today, to tame them). AND I HATE IT ALL. and my feet hurt. and i am SO FREAKING SCARED that this weight gain will not stop, and that i will magically balloon back to 90kg, just like i've magically gained these 5 or 6 or whatever kg these past months. and my dear old sugar-craving little brain keeps telling me to reach for the banana bread for comfort. as if that'd make ANYTHING better.

i've been hormonal and horrible for a whole MONTH now, and i've had enough. really. i wish my body worked. i wish i didn't have pcos. i wish i had a cycle. i wish i knew whatever my body is doing (or trying to do) that's causing these weight fluctuations. i wish i wasn't struggling with these freaking girl department infections again (just like last winter). i wish i could eat whatever i wanted. i wish i was normal.

but i'm not. so i got to calm down. change things that i can change. and keep on keeping on.

stuff i am doing to deal:

work out - i've worked out yesterday and this morning, and i went for two long walks with the dog yesterday as well. more gym on wednesday, friday and saturday;
tracking - still not totally back in the groove. i can do it!;
see my crappy old gyno (can't do anything 'bout the cycle without giving me hormones, which i will not do, but can at least treat my infections)
drinking a shitload of water (almost 2 litres down already!);
taking my supplements, including the good mineral one that i got to take between meals,
talking to r. about it; and
quitting all cake and baked goods until my birthday on june 23rd.

stuff that i am considering doing:

go swimming (won't really have time before the weekend, though);
get abhyanga (ayurvedic oil massage);
get a manual lymphatic drainage massage (will call a therapist offering that today to inquire); and
get myself to an homeopath (downside: don't really believe in it; also: cost).

any other ideas, friends?

indeed.

2010-06-02T06:54:00.001+02:00

"in the morning i think how i should get things under control, at night i tell myself i’ll get back on track tomorrow. i start feeling bad about myself, which sends me right back to the source.

i want to stop, and at the same time the idea of stopping makes me sad and . . . scared, somehow. i’m overwhelmed by the idea of having to give up the instant gratification in favor of long term happiness."

[all & sundry: fix]

i should have known that going hungry to a work meeting at 7pm last night just wouldn't work. i ate some strawberries that i brought, but eventually i dug into some crappy, fatty food not because it tasted great, but because it was there. and because it made me feel good, ever so briefly.when i got home, i ate a good dinner, though. and my alloted piece of choc. and this morning, i tracked that crappy food.

i can do this.

like linda writes so eloquently "the good news is i know how to quit. after all, i’ve done it about a hundred times now."

size 44.

2010-06-01T07:48:00.000+02:00

and then yesterday, as if to fire my resolve, i finally got a dress i ordered from h&m online weeks ago. and it's not the 36 (8) that i ordered, but a 44 (16), the size i used to wear, back in the day. the dress was labelled correctly as a 44, but put into a 36-marked plastic bag for mailing. i tried it on, anyway, just because, and it was supremely weird. i took up that much space? when i wore 44s, i would quite likely never have worn that dress, because of the giant boobs i had back then, and the chub rub i'd get when wearing skirts. returning it tomorrow.

so.

2010-05-31T23:27:00.002+02:00

"so." i say, every morning, after lingering longer than i should when kissing the guy goodbye in the morning, when i finally get up to go. sometimes, it takes more than one "so." i noticed these past few days that i say this tiny word with a really annoying tone in my voice, full of dread and boredom and forced activity and fake cheeriness. i hope you can imagine it, as i pick up my poor old weight loss blog.

so.

everything's been a bit rough round here. i'm generally happy, yes, but i was swamped at work, we had the kids staying over, i was travelling a lot, there were houseguests, hormones (hello, cd 141!) and emotional eating.

so.

and i've finally admitted defeat and taken charge again. the way i'd been eating lately just hasn't been working. today, the scale showed 66.8kg, and while i am sure a bit of that is hormonal/water weight/what have you, it is still a whopping 5kg more than my lowest weight, back in january, and 3kg more than what i feel comfy with.

i can see these 3kg, in my thighs, and my bum and my belly. and i don't need them and don't want them, and so i'm back to properly counting points again.

i should have done that right after my holidays in march, actually. instead, i fell into a comfy hole padded with fluffy oatmeal and nuts and cake. i've not only been performing the search for the perfect lärabar replacement, and really: while they're yummy, i should eat fruits and nuts, not fruit and nuts bars, and planning badly, and eating too large portions and too much chocolate and too much cake. and on top of that, i've been stressed out at work and worrying about stuff (mainly related to my & our living situation), and that had me eating as well, which is above silly and pointless and just doesn't get me anywhere.

i kept saying that i wanted to start, to kick those final kgs, to fight to the finish, what have you, but i just didn't have it in me. i was just too tired of the challenge. and also, a good part of it was "damn, i deserve some new york cheesecake." which was the stupidest thought of them all, because ny cheesecake is no birthright, and yes, it's yummy (especially made this way), but it's not a food group, it's not even real food. it's a treat. i should treat it that way.

so. i'm back to eating really well, back to my old fave foods that helped me lose weight in the first place. no more cheesecake, for now, no more bars. no more chocolate, besides my lovingly portioned 10g of premium choc with my nightly espresso. i ate this way today, lots of fruits, and greek yoghurt, and a fab 101 cookbooks dinner tonight, and i felt satisfied and well fed and happy all day. eating well, watching what i eat is no punishment. it is an expression of self-love. i got to remind myself of that.

above all, i am trying not to freak out because of this setback. it is, quite simply, proof that a) by losing weight i've not magically transformed into a skinny person, i.e. someone who can eat whatever she wants and b) i medicate with food instead of dealing with my issues. i need to be change that. it is supremely unhealthy.

to finish this off, however, i really don't want to overanalyze these past few weeks though. that'd just be a manifestation of a "i'm struggling"-mindset. instead, i want
to focus on all the good stuff i'm doing to feel better again. which is a wee bit hard right now, because on top of everything, i've been struggling with a major head cold since friday.

but today was a good start. tomorrow will be just as good. or even better.

mapplethorpe.

2010-05-10T01:59:00.001+02:00

that work thing i did saturday night took place at a museum hosting a robert mapplethorpe exhibition. i knew his work casually, had filed him away as the dude with the dicks and the flowers and patti smith. so before we kicked off our four hour livestream, i had the chance to check out the exhibition, and got a quick guided tour. to my great surprise, there weren't just dicks and flowers and patti smith: there were also female bodybuilders. neither the photos, nor the portrayed women look anything like bodybuilding these days. they were beautiful, and irritating. check them out: lisa lyons & lydia cheng.
i'm kinda longing for some prints to put up as motivation.

same old, same old.

2010-05-10T00:17:00.001+02:00

it's happened again: i'm at my parents' place, and i've fallen into a cake-shaped hole.

it was kicked off by a workday that lasted until 2am this morning, gained momentum when i discovered that there were none of my fave foods available for brekkie (had to resolve to bread rolls and an egg, duh. sundays in germany=no shops are open, and my parents are about to head off on a holiday, so they're trying to empty the fridge), and then i spent my day grazing. partly with healthy stuff, like fruit and walnuts. but also on cookies. and one lead to another and another and... i got into a total "oh, it's ruined, i can start fresh some other time-mindframe, until i finally managed to get a grip by dinner time. dinner was white asparagus and new potatoes and a side of edamame, which was nice. but yeah: it's been stressful (if a lot less stressful than that visit in november), and i've been hungry, and achy (hello, uterus, what are you been up to, dearest? you're all achy and crampy yet not doing much. what is UP with you?) and have slept too little.

tomorrow will be better. hell, this very moment is better already.

that work thing i did, btw, went pretty damn well. i've been checking flickr for pictures tonight, and i actually kinda like what i'm seeing. i mean: http://tinyurl.com/34hgfn2 that's not so bad, eh? can't get over what my legs actually look like. all my hard work? totally paying off. oh yes.

in any way, here's my food plan for tomorrow:
brekkie: oatmeal (will totally head to the shops at 8am to hunt for breakfast)
lunch: sushi (& edamame, if i can find some)
dinner: red lentil soup with mozzarella
snacks: bananas, yoghurt & the like

and while my soup is cooking, i will do a little bit of yoga, just a 20 minute class from yoga download.

can't wait to have my life back on wednesday. i miss it and it's rhythms already.

i love a good plan.

2010-05-08T07:18:00.002+02:00

i feel so much better. i guess it had all been a bit much, lately. and i had failed to plan. which means planned to fail, obviously.

the other day, my fabulous motivational matchup, lizzie reminded me that i've been here, and done that before (mystery weight gain, hunger, everything) and that switching up my gym routine always makes me hungry, and renée of lowfatpie gratiously offered via twitter to look at my foodlog. which has been awesome, because it has made me track better (and well, there are obviously a few more points on my logs, than anticipated) and want to choose more variety. just two days have made a difference in how i feel. so thanks, you two!

last night, i was super exhausted and got out of the office later than hoped, so when the 'i don't want to go to the gym'-talk started in my head, i called r., told him i needed a pep talk, and he delivered. and it was all good: working out last night even though i didn't feel like it, really helped me clear my head and made me feel good. gotta remember that!

this week has been super stressful. i'm about to head up north for four days in a few hours. tonight, i will be moderating a four hour live stream from an event up north, so if you want to see & hear me live in action and wearing dressy shorts and a flowy grey top, go to http://tinyurl.com/2a45a6b (no link, because i am soooo sneaky about the weight loss blogging!). we start streaming at 8pm cet (7pm gmt/2pm edt/11am pdt), and users can participate via twitter and facebook.

and me? i'm super stressed. have never moderated for this amount of time, feel totally out of my league because i'm not quite up to par with the local political and art scene (have decided to just make that my thing for the night - not being a local). and of course i'm doubting my ability to do that kind of thing in the first place (ye older "i am an impostor!"-line of thought) and worried stupidly about looking stupid (and saying stupid stuff) and ugly. bought new clothes (dresscode for us was 'smart casual', which means what exactly for women again?) and got a make up appointment this arvo. it'll all be fun. i hope.

spending two days at my parents (instructing my mom on exactly what kind of lärabars to bring home from the us - they'll be visiting my brother next week, yay!), and then on tuesday, i'm heading to a work event, where i'll be representing that award i've been involved in. big press conference, where the results of what we've been up to these past few months will be unveiled. also worried about looking capable, smart and good there. ahem. 'tis always the same. wondering whether people i admire professionally also feel this way.

so keep your fingers crossed, everyone. and tune in tonight. just 13 hours to go! eeep!

off.

2010-05-05T22:27:00.000+02:00

i'm not happy right now, people. i'm off, ever so slightly. my gym going and working out is great. my eating, however, these past few days, just hasn't been up to par. i'm hungry, hungry, hungry. my appetite is bottomless. i worked way too much on monday and tuesday, planned my meals badly and ended up eating crappily as a result. today i brought lots of yummy snacks to work, and i ate them all way too quickly. i haven't tracked my points. i feel puffy and bloated and swollen.

i keep thinking that this is pms, but my period still hasn't show up. so it's all in my head. the kid' visits, work, a big assignment coming up this weekend that really, really, really scares me. no wonder i'm reaching for the banana bread as consolation.

i will make better choices starting right this very moment. i will start tracking again at my next meal. i've got a busy few days ahead, i need energy and clarity. i can do this.

goals for the week. [#12]

2010-05-02T22:01:00.000+02:00

my weight on sunday morning:

65,2kg. seriously, what is up here? i'm absolutely perplexed by what's been happening on the scale lately. yes, i've been eating all my points (but not my activity points). but i'm exercising a lot. and riding my bike everywhere. i should not be gaining weight living like this. is it water rentention? (not sure, the bodyfat measurements on my scale fluctuate kinda wildly.) and if so, who and what's to blame? pms? (cd 112, yeah!) the warmer weather? not drinking enough?

how was my week?

busy but much happier than the one before that. r.'s back and that's lovely. i revamped my workout plan. was adequately flexible with said plan. and spend a 20 minutes on the crosstrainer for the first time in months. and now? i've got knee pain again. duh!

how did i do on my goals?

sleep more than 6 hours every night - yup! these past two days i've really caught up on much needed sleep;
work on my pull-ups - yup!
no baking - yup! just barely, however. got some dying bananas on my kitchen table waiting to be resurrected as banana bread.
eat reasonably at the birthday party - failed. kinda. i ate really reasonable first and second courses. but then came the cake and desserts. felt sick for the rest of the day, no fun.

  nsv of the week:  

didn't really have one. however, i dealt with an urgent nolunchbreaksuperhungrymeetinginfiveminutes-crisis by eating two spoonful of nut butter and eating some fruit. in the past, i would i've sprinted down to the bakery downstairs. well done, gal.

where's my head at?

i'm surprisingly stressed by the number on the scale. and i hate that.

what will i do this week?

it's houseguest time again. r.'s daughter is here, and when she leaves on tuesday, his son will show up. they're much easier (and fun!) to have around than strangers, but still disrupt our routines. on friday, i will head north to my rents for work for five days total. boo. not feeling like travelling yet again at all.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday, am: gym (2 rounds fat burning circle, as much cardio as i've got time, stretching)
wednesday, am : (2 rounds fat burning circle, as much cardio as i've got time, stretching), pm: yoga class, sauna
friday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, as much cardio as i've got time, stretching)
not sure yet, what i'll do while at my rents, can't run, so possibly some homemade bikram or sp.

weekly goals:

stay away from the crosstrainer and be kind to my knees;
really, really, really count points again;
i suspect my portion size is totally crap, so i won't be doing "satiety portions" but actually weigh out all portions instead; and
less fruit, more veges. and when and if i have fruit, always add some good fat for more satiety and to lessen the high.

the big issue.

2010-04-28T23:54:00.004+02:00

this past month has been a bit rough. i travelled a lot, i worked a lot, i slept little. and then r. got stuck on the canary islands for an additional week because of the volcano whose name i am too lazy to google and copy and paste, and in the middle of it i realised that i was just a tad bit lonely. which i hadn't been in months. and it felt like my life before. before happiness, before weight loss, before r.

and damn, did that ever suck.

i suddenly realised that this lovely life that i have is pretty damn fragile. that while everything is so much better these days, deep deep down? nothing much has changed, really. and that realisation motivates me to work hard at enjoying and working on this beautiful, fragile life that i have. and to change.

shauny posted a quote by jen of awesome sauce today, that really resonated with me:

"i don’t think i gained weight in order to hide from the world—i think that weight and size are much more complex issues than that. but i think it was comfortable and easy to let fat be my whole problem. and when i was left with no fat, but plenty of problems—i was the only one left to blame. it’s like i’ve cleaned out the flooded basement, which is great and all, but now i have to actually address the cause of the flooding, and it’s harder than you think.

[btw: my real basement is actually still full of stuff i should throw away unseen, because i haven't needed anything that's down there in, oh, two years. i am kinda scared of the stuff in my basement, though. as in: overwhelmed. that's why it's all still there. don't want to dig through it, because digging through it will remind me of those years i wasted in my twenties, which will make me sad.]

i wouldn't say that i've got plenty of problems. my life is pretty damn fine. and yet. my issues are still the same as they've always been. i am still me, even at 60lb (give or take) less. my ass is smaller (and it's so much more fun to move and dress it), but the rest of me is still, well, me: always laughing, always talking too loud, often over-excited and overly critical. and with depressive tendencies, fear of doing taxes and general anxiety about thefuture.

of course i am still me.

and yet i'm all shocked by that fact. that i am not a completely revamped, perfect person, but still me, just with more muscles, less fat. who would have thought that my actual self had little to do with that weight?

i just finished reading "when food is love" by geneen roth, which it's all about the fact that fat and food and how we deal with both is actually not about food and fat, but about love and pain and death. and yes, that is just as grim as it sounds. the book had me nodding heavily in place and then recoiling in horror at others because it's just such a downer when someone suggests that you're the person you are because of some crap that happened when you were a kid...and yet all of it felt true.

when i eat too much lentils for dinner when i'm by myself these days, i am replaying what i did those afternoons alone at home when i was in junior high and would eat 2 cups of freshly cooked vanilla custard. i'm trying to fill a hole inside myself with warm, slurpy goodness. and yet that hole cannot be filled with food, ever. and of course i know, these days, that eating doesn't make that pain go away. it can only be dulled, never eradicated, by feeling stuffed.

in so many ways i'm still struggling with a lot of the crap i struggled with in my twenties (and my teens). and nothing will change if i don't change. because no one is responsible for my life but me.

three things of note.

2010-04-28T17:21:00.001+02:00

i eat when i am stressed. or unhappy or lonely. i eat until i am more than full. i really need to work this.
i had an impromptu session with thomas last night, and we revamped my schedule. just a bit. i want some more definition, especially in my legs, and that's why i will be doing two fat burning circuit sessions and one weights/whatever i feel like-one instead of the other way round. and up my low intensity cardio. which means less time with sean, i'm afraid. which sucks. i'll work it out.

monday am: run to the gym or warm up there (10 min), 2 rounds fat burning circle, pull up-work, knee strenghtening work, low intensity low impact cardio for as long as i've got time (i.e. hypoxi)
monday pm: ashtanga yoga

wednesday am: run to the gym or warm up there (10 min), 2 rounds fat burning circle, pull up-work, knee strenghtening work, low intensity low impact cardio for as long as i've got time (i.e. hypoxi)
wednesday pm: kundalini yoga

saturday: run to the gym or warm up there (10 min), 2 or 3 rounds weight circle, pull up-work, knee strengthening work, weights, vibraplate, cardio coach work out

oh, and then i got into a fight with a new pt at my gym.

his name is robert. he's young, early twenties, and working on nights that i'm not usually there. such as tuesdays. so he doesn't know me. doesn't know how much i work out, how much weight i've lost, what improvements i've made. thursday last week, i was just starting my cardio coach ride while casually chatting with a dude working out in that corner of the gym. we were talking about weights, and the guy said "yeah, but i actually don't care about lifting iron, i care more about being able to lift my body weight", which got us into talking pull up variations. at about that time, the pt joins us. the conversation is almost over, i put my headphones back in, while pt lingers, and he flexes his arm, i do it, too (as you do, at the gym), and he points to my triceps, points to his, makes a wobbling motion and laughs "well, your triceps sucks, like it does on so many women." no. i didn't laugh, either. later, as i was working on pull-ups, coached by another pt, he kept laughing about my not managing one. i explained to him that i was working on them because i couldn't do them, and that i expected coaching from him. not meanness, not jokes. "well, she's here", he said, poiting to a female pt, standing by. "she can cheer you on." he totally didn't get it, and i was flabbergasted. and fuming throughout the rest of my workout, pondering whether i should tell someone, like head of training, frank, straight away. i didn't, though, wanting to give robert the chance to apologise. so that was thursday.

so he was at the gym again last night, says hi, asks whether i want to work on my pull-ups again, and i tell him that yes, i was going to work on my pull-ups. "and what about you?", i added. "planning on making unhelpful jokes about my triceps again?" he was all "i didn't mean it that way" to me. sorry. not enough.

so i gave him a serious talk about his comment not being okay, about what it means to be fat and to feel like you are constantly judged by your body. and that the gym should be a safe-space (i chose this expensive, health-focused, mirrorless gym because it strives to be just that). a place of challenge, yes, but also of cheer and of constructive critism. and that jokes were uncalled for, unless you know someone well. and that he didn't know a single thing about me, and hence was in no position at all to joke about me or my effort.

and you know what? he didn't say a single word in reply. he made some 'i'm listening'-sounds, but didn't say a word. didn't apologise. and then he ran off. i followed him, and completed what i wanted to say. and he was all "it's okay, it's okay", as if *i* had to be sorry. phew.

i started working out, and five minutes later, frank, head of training, came over, and asked me, what had been up. and so i told him. and he agreed, that roberts' behaviour sucked. so there. loser.

goals for the week. [#11]

2010-04-25T22:53:00.003+02:00

my weight on sunday morning:

64,7kg hello, bloat!

how was my week?

busy & lonely. can't wait for r. to finally, finally come home.

how did i do on my goals?

didn't set any.

  nsv of the week:  

i wore a shirt dress today, that i bought as one of my first skinny pieces (back in august '08, when i weighed 12kg more than i do now). it's huge. i shouldn't be surprised, i know. but i am. there was all this loose fabric around me, and i remember it being tight, not so very long ago. how odd.

where's my head at?

well. i've been lonely, this past week. and the week before as well. i need company, and proper me time and some loving. i'm pretty sure i won't crave chocolate that much then. and not eat until i'm uncomfortably full. the latter has been really weird. got to think about it some more and write about it.

what will i do this week?

work. sleep. have a date with r. get back into the swing of things. go to r.'s dad's 70th birthday on saturday.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

tuesday, pm: gym (40 minutes cardio coach, 2 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
wednesday, am : (30 minutes cardio coach; 2 rounds fat burning circle, stretching), pm: yoga class, sauna
friday, am: gym (30 minutes cardio coach, 2 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
sunday: not sure yet; (40minutes cardio coach, and some kind a gym group class).

weekly goals:

sleep more than 6 hours every night;
work on my pull-ups;
no baking; and
eat reasonably at the birthday party.

sunday as a single.

2010-04-25T22:29:00.004+02:00

today was pretty damn fine. went to the gym this morning, where i took a ride with sean o'malley and cardio coach volume 3 (and took challenge 2 twice, yay!) and then went to a bums, tums & thighs class, which i hadn't done in years.

it was supremely weird: this class was like pretty much every btt class i've ever been to, as if nothing about working out had changed in the past, oh, twelve years or so. it wasn't a bad workout per se, it just felt...inefficent. not because i didn't feel any burn (i did), but because it just didn't feel that challenging, or so. in any way: (and this'll sound weird, i know) it was actually kinda nice to look at myself in the mirror for an hour. never do this (i think i've mentioned before that my gym doesn't have a lot of mirrors), so i got a decent reality check as to the state of my muscles. i might feel bloated and chubby, but i am nowhere near.

so the bloat is still around, yes. the boobs are still there and feeling kinda full, and when i started riding the stationary bike this morn, my thighs were jiggling in a way that felt like something was sloshing around in there. which kinda hurt, too, but got better after some riding. weird.

so that's that. had some fine meals, even though i dug into my weekly allowance (i tracked the extra, go me!), worked for a couple of hours, finished tidying the place up. can't believe the guy is finally, finally coming back tomorrow night. i'll have to pick him up at the airport, which is a freakin' two and a half hour drive (and back!), so there won't be any gym going before work tomorrow. i really really need some sleep (actually took a one hour nap today, as well). and i need to finish an assignement tomorrow before work as well. gotta set priorities.

i'm actually really concerned about the driving. don't like driving that much at night (especially when i've been sleeping a

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s little as i have been these past few weeks). got no choice, will drink coffee and take caffeine pills and won't be alone for the trip back, so it'll be alright.

anyway: time for bed very very very soon.

better.

2010-04-24T23:27:00.000+02:00

i'm feeling much better. it's actually been supernice to have today for myself.

spend all day tidying up r.'s flat: threw away a garbage bag full of bathroom stuff (inspired by dooce, i telly 'ya), decluttered a closet in the hallway, decluttered the kitchen counters, recycled our glass and washed all the drapes. it was all much needed, and there is still much more to do, but at least i'm feeling a bit more at home now. (i really, really, really want to properly move in with r., and soon. i miss my stuff, but i hate my flat, and i don't want to put pressure on him and... argh!)

and before all that cleaning, i spend three hours at the gym: took a nice, hard ride with sean o'malley, did weights, hypoxy (hadn't done that in months, really), stretched and then had a massage. bliss!

and tonight, i cooked myself a lovely dinner: spicy almond soba noodles. and i've been watching mad men. it's all good.

tomorrow: some work at home, then the gym, then some hanging around, then some more work in the afternoon. and then it's monday, and r. finally, finally, finally comes home. actually excited about all of it.

fight to the finish.

2010-04-23T22:28:00.000+02:00

in other news, i've decided to take part in fight to the finish, a contest between ryan of no more bacon and mish of eating journey.

my goal: 61kg/134lb by june 2nd. right now, my weight is 64,5kg/142lb. 8lb in six weeks? sounds reasonable. the extra level of accountability and motivation will hopefully do me good and help me stay motivated. so there.

inspiration. [#12]

2010-04-23T22:01:00.000+02:00

"married men, long-distance relationships, lovers who are addicted to drugs or work or alcohol or sex - pursuing them is the same as believing that when you get thin, the anguish that follows you like a shadow will disappear. both are fantasies; one involves achieving something; the other involves getting someone. both are a way of saying, 'the present (or past) might be awful, but i don't have to think about it because the future will be glorious.' both are designed to distract you; they both provide a focus, a goal that you can constantly move toward without ever arriving."
[geneen roth. when food is love.]

married men ✓
long-distance relationship ✓
addicts ✓

and yes, for years i ignored how awful the present (or past) were. things are so much better these days, but i know there is stuff i still need to work on. otherwise the fact that r.'s been gone for 16 days (just three more!) wouldn't unsettle me as much as it has. my equilibrium really depends on him. and that? ain't great.

in any way, i started reading 'when food is love' after erin wrote about it, and it is as good as she says. indeed. more thoughts on it, soon.

what a year it has been.

2010-04-22T18:10:00.002+02:00

april 2009

april 2010

the official photos from that work thing i mentioned. not too shabby, eh?

oh flow, where are you?

2010-04-22T06:45:00.000+02:00

it's been weird, everything.

there's been more travelling, which is always bad for 'ye olde routine, and a lot of fun and work, which is equally bad for 'ye olde routine, and in the middle of it, i started to feel kinda crappy and bloated. i thought it was pms-related (hello, cd 102!) and not just giving in to my cravings for nuts of all kind - (oh, nuts, how do i love thee, let me count the ways while eating you by the handful), but here i am, ten days or so later, still feeling kinda emo, still feeling kinda bloated, and a good four pounds of so above where i was before my holidays and where i'd like to be. i thought that a supplement that i started taking a few weeks ago, l-lysine, might be to blame. i've since stopped taking it, which kinda sucks, too, because everyone is raving about its effect on herpes. i'll see.

on top of everything, r. has been stuck on the canary islands because of volcano ash for the past week, too, and i miss him like crazy. we quite simply haven't seen enough of each other in the past month; i can't wait for him to get home, which could be as soon as today or monday.

in any way, i want to clean my act up again. i don't like what this feels like. i've been doing a bit better in the food department anyway (started counting points again yesterday, and even though i dug into my weekly allowance, that's certainly a good thing). i've started cycling to work again. and with the guy not in town, i've been working out every day, too, alternating my regular weight training with yoga classes at the gym; that's helped with me feeling a bit more in control as well. i'll get a good sweaty workout tonight, and then possibly head to the sauna as well. and next monday, i've got a trainer date with c., to figure out how to get my workouts to a new level. right now, it's all been getting a bit too easy and just a tad boring. i need a challenge. i need change. i need my flow back. and i also need some sleep.

today

workout (6pm) - 40 minutes cardio coach work out, 2 rounds fat burning circle, hypoy (haven't done that in months!), stretching, massage, sauna
no snacking between meals
meals:
brekkie: oatmeal
lunch (with e.): probably a salad
dinner: soba noodles with almondcurry sauce
and only one cup of coffee and one piece of choc after dinner

status update. [#3]

2010-04-10T21:14:00.000+02:00

i didn't manage to start eating better at dinner yesterday: my parents hadn't prepared the greatest meal, really (just some baked potatoes), and i compensated with ice cream, afterwards. twice.

today, however, was fabulous: oatmeal for brekkie, sushi and algae salad for lunch, a fruit smoothie as a snack and wholewheat pasta with homemade (by me) veggie sauce for dinner. and some high quality dark choc for dessert. all' good, me thinks.

haven't worked out since wednesday morning though; woke up too late on friday to do yoga before my work meeting. can't wait to get to the gym on monday morning. and to ashtango yoga on monday night, yeah.

'tis all good.

status update. [#2]

2010-04-09T19:27:00.004+02:00

the holidays are over, and oh, were they fun. so far, i'm not yet stuck in the daily grind yet again, because lots of different than usual stuff has been happening. i've been at a work related event for the past two days. it's been fun work, stuff that i am passionate about, stuff that's important to my career, and i've had a fab two days deep in discussion and argueing. both has been successful and right now, i am on my way to spend the weekend with my parents, which is nice, too.

a couple of notes, however:

i can't wait to see the official photo shoot of the group of folks doing the work thing, just so that i can show you the before and afters. i hadn't looked at last years' photo in a while. it's quite...something.
this work event was a tiny group thing. we're ten people in total. and one of the dudes is obese. think: 500lb or so. when i first met him last year, i was in total shock. i'd never seen someone that fat ever before (i'd never been to the us), and the photos he has of himself on the net (i'd known him online for a while) had been totally and utterly misleading. he's smart and funny and knows his stuff, but sitting next to him for two days straight, his behaviour towards and around food weirded me out somewhast. we spend the entire time at the same hotel, so work and meals were intertwined, and we went out for dinner last night. said guy didn't join us for the meals, and instead scarfed down the snacks inside our conference room, quite possibly (and really, i am guessing here) because the chairs in the restaurant (where we ate) had armrests. or something. and it made me feel like shit that i noticed. and that i was weirded out by his size. and because...it just did. i feel terrible about noticing. and about noticing how he was out of breath after we got back from a 200m walk across the road to take the group photo. and i hope i didn't make him uncomfy. and i hope he felt good these past two days. he certainly didn't look the part, and i certainly didn't help him.
i have a major case of the munchies though. it's been that way for the past week, really, ever since i got back from the us. had so much cake and chocolate and so many nuts and.... not sure where this is coming from, and i vow to make better choices starting right now, at my next meal, tonight. because no matter where this is coming from - happiness and wellbeing will not be found inside a lärabar wrapper, right?

more (including a re-cap of my awesome holidays and goals for the week - no, really!) soon.

on the wagon, still.

2010-03-15T00:04:00.000+01:00

since i last wrote, i have

worked out three times a week, without fail;
started working out at 7am, before work, which is the awesome and really sets the tone for the day;
started running again - 2x5 minutes to and from the gym, so far, and all's well;
finished my physio sessions with chris for now;
haven't had any major knee pain;
bought a dress in size 36;
gotten myself out of a healthy-food-rut i'd gotten stuck in; and
gotten myself through the busiest time at work i've ever had.

i'm kinda impressed, actually. as i was cycling with sean o'malley on friday morning, before work, i thought to myself: "wow, this is life now. heading to the gym at 7am is not this crazy outrageous thing i need to blog about, it's just what i do these days." and it is. i still want to blog about it, though, to keep myself accountable and all. in any way: it's been hellish round here, and crazy busy, but i've been doing really well. just barely holding up, but holding up, nonetheless.

and now i only have four more days of holding up to get through and then....i head off to the us. for the first time ever. for just about two weeks. yay! i'm flying out to chicago to visit my brother (who hasn't seen me since the day this photo was taken, haha!), will head to ny with him (where he's going for a work conference and where i will spend 7 hours cycling through the city) before flying to orlando, for the wedding of my dear friend alex. this trip has been in the works for about 18 months or so (or rather: in my dreams, really), and i'm amazed it's working out, after all. kinda freaked out by going by myself, but it will be THE AWESOME. it's going to be so odd to finally visit the usa, after three decades of being indoctrinated by american tv shows and movies, so odd to be in chicago and ny, after reading about life in these cities in various blogs for years. also: whole foods! anthropologie! gap jeans! target! a big fat american wedding! and i will also be going to bikram in both chicago and orlando, oh yes.

speaking of bikram: got back from a mini-trip to munich tonight, where we visited r.'s daughter and some extended family. got up at 9 this morning and headed to bikram class, which was lovely and fabulous, and had me feel awesome all day. so there.

it's all good, really. apart from my blogkeeping, that is.

on the wagon, part two.

2010-02-19T20:33:00.003+01:00

so it's happened again. this week? has been killing me. and even though it's friday evening already, it's still not done, this one: i'll spend all day tomorrow teaching a bunch of undergrads. and i've yet to do final prep on my presentation. well.

this week i've had a mardi gras donuts feast with the guy (which i'd been looking forward to for WEEKS), went to the gym before work on monday and friday (which is awesome - despite the 6:30am alarm clock) and once in the evening (wednesday), had a physio appointment before work on tuesday morning, spend all day thursday travelling (got up at 4am, came home at 10pm), saw one set of houseguests departing, and another one arriving and had a shitload of work. oh, and i had my hair cut off, quite dramatically, too. and i finished michael pollan's 'in defense of food', which was reassuring and inspiring and has already lead to a lot of additional changes and has inspired me to keep tweaking and improving my diet.

in short: it's been a lot. A LOT. with no time for sleeping, emailing, blogging, whathaveyou. but i'm proud of myself, really. these past two weeks have been extreme, and yet here i am, holding up quite nicely, still very much on the wagon, really. there's still not been any weight loss to speak of (just lots of little fluctuations, which are NORMAL!), which isn't that surprising, really, considering the mardi gras donuts and other assorted goodies, but my eating's still been really really really good, all things considered. and i'm holding up really well. and powering through. and asking for help. which is all SO MUCH BETTER than how i did in previous busy times.

well done, me. really.

still gotta get to my presentation, now. want to get at least seven hours of sleep before tomorrow... which would be as much as i've had the previous two nights, taken together. so there.

hello, thighs!

2010-02-08T09:54:00.004+01:00

so glad to see you shrinking.

[strangely enough, the change in my thighs and stomach these past two months has felt much more extreme than what it actually looks like in these pics though. weird. still: very happy about what i have accomplished.]

goals for the week. [#10]

2010-02-08T09:00:00.000+01:00

my weight on sunday morning:

still marvelling at how much it fluctuates in a week. i'm trying hard to cultivate a really scientific, non-judgemental mindset in regards to my weight, as in 'i am observing this weird, shifting natural phenomenon that has nothing to do with me'. and it is, in a way: i have no idea what my body does in response to water, food, sodium, work outs. so here i am, trying to learn about it. fun!

also: now that january is over (and i've gotten over my knee shock and everything), i should totally step it up a notch and finally tackle these last few pounds, right? right.

how was my week?

one part nightmare, one part calm. the second half of the week was much better than the first, and on satuday and sunday, i really unwinded. on saturday, i went to farmers market, to the gym, to the supermarket and then home. didn't do anything besides showeing, puttering around at home and cooking dinner. and then i fell asleep on the couch by ten. heaven! didn't get anything done that needed getting done, though. ahem. you do what you have to do. right now that is: resting. sunday was hence the same, apart from three hours i spent at a band contest because of work.

how did i do on my goals?

no bread - yup!
no booze - yup!
take a lunch break on thursday and friday - yes - took a superbrief one with the bf on thursday, and a shopping one on friday;
stay in touch with lizzie - yup!
use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening - not often enough, but yes;
get more physio appointments - nope, will call first thing monday morning;
get appointment for insoles - nope, need to talk about it with chris before doing so;
blog about my knee issues and 2010 goals - done (kinda); and
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - still in draft stage, but getting there.

  nsv of the week:  

decided to take some measurements today. compared to the last time i did so, two months ago, at more or less weight the same, i have lost:

1cm each off of my hips and chest (sob) ; and
2cm each off each arm, my stomach, and each thigh.

yay!

what will i do this week?

this week will be busy again, both at work (really need to work on my uni stuff!) and at home. we'll have houseguests all week, which will be the first time of many.

not sure whether i ever mentioned it, but the bf is a piercer and body modifier who runs a studio with his best friend. they did a major move and revamp last year, and part of said revamp is offering tattoo services in their store, done by (travelling) guest artists from across the world. this is a major life change, in a way, because this means we'll more or less regularly have people stay with us for a week or so. we've always had people staying over a lot anyway, but that's either been the kids, or very good friends, and now we'll have people come and stay who are not yet friends. or so.

in any way, the first two arrived last night, c & c (she's called caro, too!), i like these two, they were here for a few days in december, and it'll doubtlessly work. they'll be here for a week, and it'll be interesting to cultivate a groove with them here. i'm usually in a 'must be a fabulous host mode' when people are staying over, but these past few months, i've really worked hard on letting that slide a bit and relaxing more. the people who come and visit us (hopefully) won't care if there's still that untidy cupboard in the kitchen, but they'll (hopefully) enjoy a yummy dinner and good conversation and a more relaxed me, though.

it's still going to be interesting, though, because i very much need to live my regular, everyday life while they are here, which means sleeping enough, working out and getting up early.

i'll be the first one out the door in the morning, so apart from choosing my clothes the previous night and getting them out of the guestroom (where we keep all of our clothes), nothing much will change in the mornings. i'm kinda expecting more eating out in the evenings, which i'm not a fan of right now, but well, small concession. i'll happily cook dinner once or twice but that'll be it, really.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

tuesday, pm: gym (35 minutes cardio coach, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, stretching)
thursday, pm: (35 minutes cardio coach; 2 rounds fat burning circle, another 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night (if possible)
saturday, am: gym (15 minutes cardio, 3 rounds strength circle, weights, 35 minutes cardio coach, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

not get too stressed out by our visitors;
no bread;
no booze;
take at least a brief lunch break every day;
get out of the office by 6pm every day;
stay in touch with lizzie;
use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening;
get more physio appointments;
get appointment for insoles; and
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

inspiration. [#11]

2010-02-06T19:36:00.004+01:00

"it’s counter intuitive, but true, that losing weight is very emotionally taxing. i read a lot of blogs by others who have also experienced a similar weight-loss and feel this sort of anticlimactic remorse. it’s like setting out for a long journey in which you are isolated and consumed by this quest and when you finally reach your destination, well…it’s akin to being reintroduced into society. it’s exciting, frustrating and invariably disappointing. that’s kinda how i feel sometimes – like i was gone in this quest and, now that i’m back, i have no choice but to acknowledge how different my life is and how differently others receive me. i also have to acknowledge how it’s not different in the ways i thought it would be."

[feed me i'm cranky: big fat musings]

annabel's entire post really resonates with me. what i'm also struggling with a bit right now is a weird kind of delayed guilt for gaining the weight, treating myself so poorly in the first place - and, above all, failing to realise how far gone i was.

"i was still fat!" i exclaimed while looking at a picture of me a few weeks ago. the pic had been taken in the spring of last year or so, when i weighed about 12kg less than i did when i first started. "yes, you were", said the bf. and bizarrely enough? that hurt me. in some totally warped way, i'd somehow thought that no one had noticed that i was overweight. i mean: i hadn't. really. but of course they had, including my most favourite person, the bf. "you were actually the biggest person i'd ever dated", he added. "did you ever consider not doing so because of my weight?" i asked. "yes, i did. but before i could come to a concluion, i had already fallen in love with you."

phew. that stung for a moment, too. i'm thankful that he's that honest, though.

i've been thinking about this, since then: i could have missed out on this awesome relationship (the best i've ever had) because of my weight (and this would have been his loss, obviously, too). now i am nowhere near blaming my fat for things that didn't work out in the past (and if my fat is to blame for stuff, i quite likely will never know, anyway), but it makes me sad, retroactively. and wonder about the now, too.

i, too, believe that i have not fundamentally changed. i am still vegetarian, i still suck at paying bills, still talk too loud and i can't, for the life of me, answer email in a timely fashion. however, i am now superdedicated to being healthy, i eat in a very specific way, dress differently, work out. and above all, the way people perceive me has fundamentally changed. and i still just can't seem to find a balance (yet) between their image of me and mine.

cardio coach crush.

2010-02-06T15:31:00.004+01:00

could shane o'malley say the words "cruise control" any sexier? i don't think so.

seriously, i never thought i could have this much fun doing cardio. cardio coach is optimistic and cheerful and awesome and hard. three workouts in, and i totally love it. i was dripping with sweat by the time i got to step off the spinning bike (which flew by, again). and: knee pain free.

me=happy.

a new friend.

2010-02-05T18:57:00.004+01:00

you've got a new friend.

likes to go to the gym.

likes to run far and wide.

sounds familiar, better hold on tight:

a good pair of shoes can be so hard to find.

you've got a new friend.

and the two of you don’t ever seem to part

you got a new friend ooh.

you got a new friend, now i’m the odd pair gone.

you got a new friend.

you got a new friend, i know

[dear tim, please forgive this crappy joke. i love you. and that song. and my new shoes.]

cardio coach, the bike & me.

2010-02-04T20:59:00.003+01:00

so. all is not lost, fellas. i will not die of boredom on a stationary bike any time soon. because i've found cardio coach.

shauny wrote about him this past week, and i finally purchased an episode today (totally missing out on her discount, boo), and dudes! i had fun on the bike today! i used episode one for my pre-fat-burn-circuit 30 minute cardio, and again afterwards. and now? i am spent. in the best way possible. i can't believe that i did about 70 minutes of cardio without a second of boredom. crazy.

the episode worked so well on both the boring, sucky stationary bike and even better on the much more fun spinning bike my gym keeps in the cardio area (which is taken most of the time). time just flew by, and i loved it, and now i feel like i finally got a good cardio workout again. and my knees don't hurt at all. woohoo!

sean really, really had me the moment he started talking about lance and the yellow jersey and....oh, i love me a good tdf mental image to get myself going. oh yes. so: i'm now in love with cardio coach!

last night, i listened to the latest two fit chicks podcast (featuring lizzie and me in the blogger news bit, yay!), and shauny's and carla's advice on getting through an injury made me realise that i could handle my knee issues much better, and work a wee bit harder while looking at myself better. the idea that i could actually improve on some things while letting my knees heal? had never crossed my mind. but that's what i want to do. and that's what i kicked off tonight.

i also had a lovely epiphany at the gym tonight: i really don't care much about perfection anymore. and that's fab. that lovely spin bike i mentioned? was taken when i got in. and instead of getting all angry about it, i used what was available (the boring stationary bike), and did the best that i could.

i always used to have that 'perfect or not at all'-mindframe. and i don't have that anymore. it's lovely to have that perfect workout, that perfect eating week every once in a while. but if it's not happening? who cares. i can still do the best i can with what's available. make the best possible choices on a crappy menu, use the cardio equipment that's available instead of the one that i really want, work out for an hour instead of an hour and a half if i am in a rush. there is no point in freaking out about not being able to achieve perfection. if something doesn't go 100 % as planned? so what. it's just one workout in a lifetime of workouts, just one meal in a lifetime of meals. i can never be perfect, but i can always try to make the best choice possible, try to do the very best that i can.

so there.

me: happy. and hungry. and waiting for the boyfriend to be done with getting tattoed so that we can go out for dinner. where i will make the best possible choice.

i'm so very happy tonight.

what's in my bag? [gym-bag edition.]

2010-02-04T11:58:00.005+01:00

click-through to see annotations on flickr

ch-ch-ch-changes.

2010-02-04T11:24:00.002+01:00

picasa's facial recognition feature is super-useful and super-creepy. it's been freaking me out a bit, really: it finds all the crappy pictures i ignored back when they were taken. and hence provides a much more realistic view of myself over the years than, say, my self-edited-must-look-fab-let's-take-another-selfportrait-flickr-stream.

2007

2009/2010

and comparing the crappy old pics with the new ones? is kinda awesome, really.

my new (kinda) realistic 2010 fitness goals

2010-02-03T21:12:00.007+01:00

goal #1: get happy knees again
my knees are unhappy. and they've been unhappy since late october, and they haven't improved at all, despite not running and icing them all the bloody time.
how will i get there? rest. warmth. physiotherapy. working on hamstrings. stretching. new running shoes. insoles in my regular shoes.
time frame? start asap. significant improvement hopefully within three weeks. full happiness by may 1st. (maybe?)

goal #2: do at least 3 full unassisted pull-ups in a row
considering i can't entertain any running goals right now, this is an upper body one which should keep me entertained for a while.
how will i get there? start with assisted pull-ups, work my way down the assistance levels every week. i started at level 15 (80-something lb support), with 3 sets of 15. i will attempt to lower my level every three workouts, i.e. every week.
time frame? start asap. complete by june 1. (no clue whether that's do-able, to be honest.)

goal #3: run at least one 5k race
maybe the one i ran last year?
how will i get there? get happy knees again, start running again, slowly.
time frame? mid-september?

goal #4: run at least one 10k race
how will i get there? get happy knees again, start running again, slowly, not overdoing it.
time frame? november?

goal #5: learn how to swim proper crawl
putting my grande triathlon goals to rest for the time being gives me more time to learn how to swim properly.
how will i get there? take swimming classes.
time frame? research class by april 1st. start class by june 1, at the latest.

goals for the week. [#9]

2010-02-03T21:02:00.004+01:00

[i'm a bit late with these, but better late than never, right?]

my weight on sunday morning:

63,4kg. still weighing myself every day, and trying to get used to that. some mornings, i've had to remind myself actively that that number has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my self-worth. that it's just a number. nothing else. same old, same old. surprisingly though, on other days, i really don't care. because today, i noticed that i've actually shrunk out of yet another set of skirts, even though i haven't lost any weight. good stuff! 

how was my week?

let's not talk about this week, yes? the last ten days have been rough. not because anything terrible happened, really, but i've been working too much, taking too few breaks (as in: none), and slept way too little. and then i was told i should ditch all my goals because of my knees! haha!

 nah.

it really wasn't all that catastrophic, though. i still worked out as planned (with only stationary biking as cardio, however) and ate ok. for once i kinda ate all of my points, which had been my plan and all, but felt kinda odd. only troublesome spot was late-night-eating during and after djing on saturday night. banana bread upon coming home at 5am? i've done smarter things.  

and did i mention that i've got another bout of viral fun?

through all that i struggled mightily at staying in touch with my awesome motivational match-up lizzie. and that sucked. which made me feel sucky. and stopped me from opening up twitter. which made me feel even suckier. and.... gah! 

enough.

how did i do on my goals?

no bread - yup! (apart from some homemade baked goods that don't count, though.)
no booze - yup!
ice my knees twice every day - yup! quitting that now, though. my physio (who i reckon knows my knees best) thinks i don't actually have any inflammation. and hence recommends warmth. and so i'll give my knees a hot water bottle every night from now on. and just ice straight after workouts, in case of pain.
read the beck book on my way to work - somewhat. did that three of four times, then chose another book.
finish getting my flash cards ready - nope. simply didn't have time. am postponing all beck related goals till march; it's just not happening right now.
get appointments for physio - yup! had my first appointment on tuesday, need to get more! research new running shoes - yup! bought awesome asics nimbus 11!
get appointment for insoles - not yet, but got everything ready to do so, i.e. got recommentations on a place to get them done, etc.
blog about my 2010 goals - just not time
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - just not time.

  nsv of the week:  

got lots of compliments by lots of different people, including my physio (who hadn't seen me in two months or so), a colleague, and others. i also realised that i now need a size small in regular american apparel girl t-shirts. it used to be large a year ago! woohoo!   

what will i do this week?

i want to try to calm down a bit these next few days. it's been so hectic round here, so adrenaline-driven, with early mornings and late nights and lots of deadlines and crap. and way too little sleep. all deadlines have been met (for now), and i'll try to set my stuff up in a way that i won't end up in deadline hell again any time soon. there'll still be a lot of work though.

apart from regular office stuff i'll have to prep for my uni course on saturday (the class is in two and in three weeks) and attend an event on sunday. other stuff that'll impact my plans: tomorrow will be kinda difficult because the public transport folks will be on strike, so i'll have to bike (which i don't ever do in winter). on friday, one of the bf's kinda-kids will arrive for a weekend visit as well, and then on sunday, our houseguests for the next two weeks will arrive as well.  

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

tuesday, pm: gym (3 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes cardio, stretching) - done!
thursday, pm: (30 minutes cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, another 30 minutes cardio, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
saturday, am: gym (3 rounds strength circle, weights, 45 minutes cardio, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

no bread;
no booze;
take a lunch break on thursday and friday;
stay in touch with lizzie;
use a hot water bottle on my knees and back in the evening;
get more physio appointments;
get appointment for insoles;
blog about my knee issues and 2010 goals;
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

on the wagon.

2010-02-01T19:23:00.003+01:00

i have not fallen off the earth or the wagon: i've just been swamped with work and social stuff (friends visiting! djing!) and more work. and then more work. and i've been kinda down, really, as well. a result of the former, i guess.

i've been holding up ok, though. haven't fallen headfirst into chocolate, or anything, even if i've been eating more in a 'maintain' than in a loss-mode, which was my plan, but which hasn't been working so great: my physicsdiet-chart dipped into red territory for the first time, ever, which is freaking me out a bit. as is my to-do-list. so many things on there.

need to get a grip on things. and i will. tomorrow. ha.

status update. [#1]

2010-01-27T23:30:00.003+01:00

iced my knees twice today;
took nsaids;
used diclofenac cream;
substituted all cardio machines with the stationary bike;
lowered all my lower body weights;
upped all my upper body weights; and
started working on project pull-up (3 sets of 15, assisted with 80 pounds or so).

my mood has hence somewhat improved, oh yes.

[in unrelated news: flax in oatmeal = glorious digestive action. hooray!]

the knees have it.

2010-01-26T23:02:00.005+01:00

had a much needed appointment with my trainer tonight. i'd casually been whining to thomas for weeks about my knees, and today we sat down and talked about 'em. for real. while my ortho was kinda indifferent and not exactly helpful, thomas reckons i really, really, really need to tone it all down for now.

which apparently translates to a lot of no's:

no serious weights on my legs;
no more hypoxi;
no arc trainer;
no crosstrainer; and
no rowing.

which leaves only super light weights and the stationary bike, with almost no resistance. i whined that this wasn't a hard enough workout, that i needed to sweat, that i wanted to lose weight, that i wanted to push myself, and yadayadayada. thomas scolded me and told me that right now, my focus should be getting my knees happy and healthy again, and that whatever number was on the scale really wasn't something i needed to focus on anymore.

so it will be me, some light weights, my boredom, and the stationary bike. for three weeks. and then we'll check for improvement.

thomas also reckons that i should not entertain any goals this year that involve running. and that competing in a triathlon this summer (and training for it) is totally out of the question. in his opinion my knees would not be able deal with any kind of serious cycling training involving hills either.

my one kinda fun goal for now: learning to do pull-ups.

can't tell you how sad & defeated i feel right now.

credit, where credit is due. [#1]

2010-01-25T23:43:00.003+01:00

i ended up working longer than expected today, and while waiting for the tram to take me to the gym (and then home), a tiny voice turned up in my head 'you'll be home so late tonight if you go to the gym right now, you totally deserve to go home asap. and you deserve a snack. pretzels, maybe.' yet before that crappy self-talk could turn into crappy action, i reminded myself that i had NO CHOICE about going to the gym, and the tram turned up and i read a few pages in the beck book (it really is like the big book for former fatties, innit?) and before i knew it, i was in the gym changing rooms, putting on my gym shoes.

and then i chugged out more metres than ever before on the rowing machine. and then i pushed myself really hard doing weights. and then i pushed myself on the arc trainer. and then i crawled to the stretching area, stretched for a good, long while. and then i crawled into the shower and into my clothes and then home. where the guy was cooking dinner for me. and i felt glorious. much better than if i had given in earlier tonight.

well done, me. well done.

now that i've lost weight. [#8]

2010-01-24T21:59:00.002+01:00

i have to mention bones once more: these new bony bits? they are weird.

i mean, they are nice and all, and they look good (at least to my eyes). and yet. they hurt. a bit. a tiny tiny bit. the guy (the superskinny one) keeps assuring me that everything i've been complaining about (bruises from bumping into things, belts sitting uncomfortably on hip bones, the fact that one of my shoulder bags, which has really thin straps, is not very comfy to wear because of annoying bone rubbing, ad nauseam) is perfectly normal. but well: DUH! . no one ever told me that skinny people feel their bones this much, and that some extra padding can actually be useful at times.

but don't get me wrong: i do not miss the padding qualities of the 27kg/60lb i've lost so far, not one bit. but just to quench any sort of fat nostalgia, here are a few random uncomfy things i don't have to deal with anymore:

no more chub rub between my thighs!
no more chub rub under my arms!
jeans are suddenly comfy and don't hurt my sides!
the rubber bands of socks don't leave uncomfy dents!

goals for the week. [#8]

2010-01-24T18:07:00.008+01:00

my weight on sunday morning:

it's been really interesting to weigh myself every day. i never realised how much my weight fluctuates! it's been as high as 63,3 kg (morning after a carb heavy meal) and as low as 61,9 kg (morning after carb-free night, hypoxi workout). never thought i'd say that, but starting to weigh myself daily might have been the sanest thing, ever, in this whole weightlossjourneything, because it has totally taken all pressure of my weigh-ins. (need to elaborate on that in a seperate blog post.)

how was my week?

pretty damn fine, really: diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned (and really pushed through some negative self-talk when i didn't feel like it at first on wednesday night), weighed myself every day. everything went pretty smoothly, really. the one kinda stupid thing i did this week though was once again overeating on healthy stuff: made myself a proper, yummy dinner, but just didn't stop when i was full. the yellow lentils were just too yummy (and i'd had a majorly stressful day at work). i'm still paying for that with a seriously unhappy digestive track. to prevent this from happening again, i will cook less lentils in the future. and really work on learning how to stop when i'm full. i also haven't followed up on my ortho visit; really need to schedule my physio appointments soon and get myself new shoes and those insoles.

haven't felt that great this weekend: fell asleep on my way into town saturday night and felt so crappily, that the guy and i cancelled our going out plans and went back home. i fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm and was totally out of it. today's been better, but i've been struggling with a major headache all day. let's see what that is - there are lots of crappy bugs going around right now (aren't they always?). i hope it's nothing.

in general, i've been terribly busy: work was really stressful this past week, and at the end of the day, i was really out of it. neither had the time nor energy to do stuff, blog or read the beck book, as planned. just wasn't my week in that regard, and i actually don't see that changing for at least three more weeks. which is when we'll have houseguests for two weeks straight. oh well.

how did i do on my goals?

no bread - yup! getting easier and easier, that one;
no booze - yup! still easy;
ice my knees twice every day - did kinda ok on that one, managed one ice session every evening; have been getting up so early, that the morning one was too much of a struggle, really; i'll keep aiming for two though;
start actually working through the beck diet - didn't manage that one, and i'm starting to wonder whether i'll have to postpone that for a little while. this coming week. i will start reading the book on my way to work, complete the flash cards and take it from there;
get an appointment with thomas - done, seeing him tuesday night;
get appointments for physio - still have to do that;
blog about my 2010 goals - dito;
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.

nsv of the week:

for our sunday walk with the dog today, we chose a route that we hadn't taken since december '08. back then, it was a horrible experience for me. i felt like shit, trying to get up a certain ascend. huffing and puffing my way up there back then i said "it's my goal of '09 to get fit again." and i did it. and today master that same ascend barely being out of breath. which very much rocks. because that's what it's all about, in the end, this weight loss, this fitness stuff: being better at doing stuff in the real world.

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on, really. and try to eat more of my weekly allowance points, i've been having trouble digging into these, and i shouldn't. they are there to be eaten.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching, sauna)
wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

no bread;
no booze;
ice my knees twice every day;
read the beck book on my way to work;
finish getting my flash cards ready:
get appointments for physio;
research new running shoes;
get appointment for insoles;
blog about my 2010 goals; and
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

hungryhungryhungryhungry.

2010-01-19T19:48:00.005+01:00

i'm HUNGRY. right now. right this very moment.

because i most certainly haven't eaten enough protein and fat during the day today. and because eating chopped veggies with quark in the middle of winter for lunch just isn't satisfying enough. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? (well, i would have, if i had thought about it, that is.)

thankfully, the guy will be home soon. and then we will have dinner, asap, and all will be good. and i will feel awesome for not snacking before dinner, and for having dinner when hungry.

all this? is beck diet-thinking at work. even though i still haven't properly started the programme, with reading my flash cards, and whatnot. what i have changed, so far, however is this, just after reading the first part:

i've started weighing myself once (and just once) every day, without judging, and writing down that weight;
i've been planning my meals in the evening for the following day, written that plan down and then followed that plan;
i've made an effort to eat more slowly;
i've dealt with hunger, and let myself feel hunger, it's something i've been terribly afraid of while dieting, but it turns out i can deal with hunger, in lots of different ways (like by writing this blog post);
i've defined times when i wanted to eat, and stuck to these times (using e.ggtimer, actually, to prevent myself from snacking right after meals before i'd had time to start feeling satisfied); and
in challenging moments, i've reminded myself why i was abstaining, why i want to be skinny, why i like myself, told myself that i could do it, and gave myself credit.

i actually gave myself a shitload of credit this past week. for going to the gym. for working out. for choosing healthy meals. for sticking to my plans.

it sounds a bit stupid, really, but i rock, for doing all this. i am proud of myself for turning my life around, proud of the changes i have made and will continue to make. i'm proud i'm not crouching in front of the kitchen cupboard right now, chucking down wasabi peanuts by the handful. i can't wait to start cooking (as soon as the guy calls that he's leaving the shop).

one week kinda-in with beck, with barely one foot in the door, and so much is different already.

good stuff, me thinks.

but good grace, am i HUNGRY.

goals for the week. [#7]

2010-01-18T09:20:00.000+01:00

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

so. much. better. diligently counted points, worked out three times as planned, started reading the complete beck diet for life, some friends i hadn't seen in a year visited, i had the most perfect workout morning on saturday and then pretty much spend all day sunday in bed with the bf. it was all kinda awesome, really.

and the new week started interestingly, too: had an 8:30am appointment with my ortho: he reckons i have dysplasia in my knees, prescribed physio and insoles. very much need new running shoes and decent shoes to wear every day. hmph.

how did i do on my goals?

no bread - yes! i deserve so much credit for not eating bread during two dinners out, and when the bf got fresh flat bread from the downstairs kebap place to have with soup. i smelled it, i touched it, i didn't eat any. ha!
no booze - yes! very much wanted some, when eating out this past weekend, but i resisted; loving the clearheadedness of everything right now, so easy!
ice my knees twice every day - failed, yet again. i need to get myself new ice packs, i somehow managed to lose the cloth covers of the ones i got a few months ago, and since then, my compliance has deteriorated, so there;
blog about my 2010 goals - failed, yet again, too busy to blog, in a way. definitely (and finally) this week!
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance - dito.

nsv of the week:

resisting the bread basket during too dinners out, and resisting the salt pretzels while hanging out at a cocktail bar. and a comment by my pt on saturday morning: "have you lost weight this week? your face looks super skinny this morning, it's really obvious."

what will i do this week?

keep on keeping on. and start working throught the beck book. i also want to up my veggie intake, these past few weeks have been a bit grain-heavy.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, possibly hypoxi, stretching, sauna)
wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna), followed by no-carb-night
saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

no bread;
no booze;
ice my knees twice every day;
start actually working through the beck diet;
get an appointment with thomas;
get appointments for physio;
blog about my 2010 goals; and
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

some random things that i believe about food.

2010-01-17T22:19:00.006+01:00

all fast food ist evil.
the only chain fast food i've had in the past years is subway, and that hasn't happened in at least six months or so.
all processed food is evil.
i avoid processed, pre-packaged pretend food, including 'organic' processed, pre-packaged stuff.
all 'diet' food is evil.
i believe that artificial sweeteners are bad for your metabolism, and i avoid them as well as i can.
diet soda is especially evil.
and hence i haven't had any in 700 days. one of the best things i've ever done.
eating meat is bad for the world in a multitude of ways.
earth, water, climate, people.
eat food. not too much. mostly plants.
the stranger the grain, the better.
and the more strange grains i try, the more i realise that i can love them all.
legumes are superawesome and surprisingly yummy.
i didn't grow up eating legumes, and i'm kinda sad that i lived without yellow lentils for the first thirty years of my life.
the more protein something non-animal has, the better.
nut butters! amaranth!

waterworld.

2010-01-15T12:07:00.002+01:00

5 pounds down in the last 72 hours. down the loo, obviously.

my rings are way too lose again, my clothes fit better, and the definition in my arms, legs and upper body is almost back to normal. this recent experience of swelling like a pufferfish has been a first, which isn't that surprising, really, given that the number of pill-free cycles my body has ever had is less than a dozen or so. or maybe this is just the first time that i ever truly noticed. because that's different, these days: i'm so much closer to my body right now, than i ever was.

the extend of disconnect that i obviously had at a higher weight baffles me. i now notice what happens in my belly after dinner. i know the landscape of my body, the bones and muscles. i know where i begin and end. and i like it that way. and yet: there's so much stuff i still don't know, or don't get. like that i retain water like crazy before my period. or that my patella tendons are still so very unhappy, despite no running in three months and pretty regular icing.

i'll learn all that eventually, i guess. for now, i need patience, right? right.

recovery.

2010-01-13T22:40:00.002+01:00

i used to hate people who said "i'm still recovering from that...." days after something had happened to them. i was young, i had no clue. at some point yesterday i realised that i was still recovering from the week with the kids, and the just barely made deadlines, the pms, the everything else. last night, i hung out at home, cooked myself a decent meal and did nothing. nothing at all. and it felt great. and then i slept for a good seven hours or so. and felt even better. and yet even today, i am still recovering from that stress.

guess i'm getting old, harhar.

in any way, i'm in much better spirits right this very moment than i've been in a good long week or so. had an alright day at work, my first lunch break of the year with my friend e. and her adorable kid, went to the gym after work and cooked myself a great, carb-free dinner. and right now, i'm sipping my second cup of gourmet espresso and waiting for the guy to come home. it's all good.

i'm trying to be okay with the fact that i've been so upset with everything this past week because of frickin PMS, but doing so is surprisingly hard. it feels so ridiculous, really. and i feel like a total newbie dealing with it and all it's glory. which i guess i am, because i was on the pill for all my adult life. the pms i struggled with then was of a different kind, really, it had zero physical components, it just made me suicidal (and i'm totally not kidding, it was my then therapist who realised i was on the brink once every four weeks, like clockwork). right now, my body is apparently trying to get herself a proper cycle for the first time in, well, her whole life, and i'm kinda amazed by it, and freaked out. and a wee bit sad for me being so amazed and freaked out. i am 31, not 13. shouldn't i know this stuff already? (like: weight fluctuations? NORMAL! also: thank you, sandrelle, for your fabulous posts on weight and it's fluctuations, pt.1,2,3.)

yesterday, i started reading the beck diet for life, following in jen's footsteps. and i'm blown away by it already. it feels like just the thing i need, really: a training programme for my head. it's been so interesting to just read the first step, without actually doing the exercises yet (i like to know what i get myself into, after all): i've felt so much resistance against the book already, it's very telling. reading it has been a bit like reading diane's fabulous blog: it brings up so many of my own issues that it's a bit too close to comfort at times. which is, obviously, what makes it so very fabulous. in any way, so i'll start working through it, one skill at a time, once i'm done reading the first step. have started gathering my supplies. it will be grand.

goals for the week. [#6]

2010-01-12T10:17:00.003+01:00

my weight on sunday morning:

up 2kg. there's NO WAY i've gained that much weight in the past week. it has to be hormonal, really. not stressing about it for now (or: trying to), kinda waiting for it to pass, really. and drinking more. and watching my portions. and counting points.

how was my week?

i'd totally underestimated the impact that the kids' visit would have on the life the bf and i share. it was just off, and he and i were transformed into a management team, trying to keep a stressful situation under control.

it sounds so silly, really, but i'd kinda thought that a six year old was much less work. but he needs to be fed! (and hates most food!) and put to bed! and dressed! and washed! and entertained! good grace. and that on top of work. i have a much deeper admiration for parents now. after just one week. i practically didn't get a single break all week and cooked every night, and then i had to get myself to the office on saturday and sunday as well (to work on a non-work assignment for that conference thing i mentioned a while back) as well.

since i wrapped that up on sunday, i'm much happier, actually. that'd been bothering me all week as well. in any way, i was hungry all the time, didn't take any breaks during work, only got to the gym twice (had to ditch my third trip because of absolutely having to make that deadline), and i had to ditch my pt appointment as well. shouldn't be surprised that i'm tired now, eh? i was super weirded out by *feeling fat* this week as well, and want to nip that kind of disconnect in the butt. ordered the book that jen of prior fat girl is reading on the blog, "the beck complete diet solution", and will start working through that now.

how did i do on my goals?

no bread – failed, big time, again, when i mindlessly got myselfpretzels as snacks TWICE. enough!
no booze – done & easy.
ice my knees twice every day - managed once most days, got to step that up
blog about my 2010 goals - just didn't have time (plus the older kid blocked the computer most nights)
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance (dito)

nsv of the week:

eating well on our day trip to the zoo and not tiring during said trip.

what will i do this week?

get back to normal! i just want to get my groove back, really, and since sunday morning, i've almost fully recovered. i'll properly count points again (failed to do so on friday and saturday), do my usual workouts, get back to basics. we got friends visiting from thursday on (not sure yet, how long they'll stay, strange nomads that they are), and that'll be lovely.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

no bread;
no booze;
ice my knees twice every day;
blog about my 2010 goals; and
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

oh, sweet fame!

2010-01-11T13:58:00.000+01:00

you can hear me and the remnants of my aussie accent in the latest episode of the fabulous two fit chicks and a microphone: getting started in 2010! thanks for having me, carla & shauny!

i'm in the fabulous (albeit kinda humbling) company of:

Jen of Prior Fat Girl
Diane of Fit to the Finish
Jennette of PastaQueen
Kepa of Fat Lazy Guy's Log
Mary of A Merry Life
Roni of Roni's Weigh and
Lynn of Lynn's Weigh

weeh!

haven't listened to the episode myself yet, will do so tonight, while sweating at the gym, how perfect.

cd 50

2010-01-11T13:57:00.003+01:00

well done, body!

[also: ouch!]

another mirage.

2010-01-07T20:24:00.003+01:00

i had another fat-me-mirage, on wednesday night. this time, it was an old grey aa v-neck longsleeve that caused it.

and another one bites the dust.

dear body, [#1]

2010-01-07T10:59:00.004+01:00

first off: i love you. i'm so happy with what you and i have been up to over the past year and a half. you rock! now it's because of you're usual rock-ness that i'm a bit puzzled by you this week.

first off, you're once again not too fond of digesting food in a timely manner (thanks for finally deciding an hour ago to let go of the oatmeal that hat turned to bricks in my gut over the past three days though, that was lovely), then you request tons of sleep, you've obviously decided that you need to store water for something (because seriously: you and i, we haven't gained 2kg in the past three days), you crave to be fed with sweets and you've mysteriously given me some of my lost boobage back.

dearest body, could it be that you're trying to get our joint uterus ready to menstruate again? if so, i wholeheartedly congratulate your efforts, considering that it's only cd45, after all (last time, it was cd166!), which would be a stellar achievement for all of us involved. you can rest assured, body, that i wholeheartedly support all of your undertakings in regards to reproductive health. the diva cup and i excitedly await the result of your striving.

you can do it! but please just get over this pms-crap already.

much love,

inspiration. [#10]

2010-01-05T14:30:00.004+01:00

"what has the potential to trip me up once in awhile is not so much the physical transformation as the emotional transformation. i’ve said many times since reaching goal that i finally feel like the outside me and the inside me finally match, but the longer i maintain, the more i think that descriptor may be a bit premature. in many ways, my inside is still catching up.

the emotional transformation from obese me to maintaining me is perhaps even more astounding than the physical transformation. it’s just not as apparent. the transformation began the moment weight loss “clicked” five years ago. most people who successfully lose and maintain their weight had an “aha!” moment – that realization that things are different “this time” as opposed to all the other times they tried to lose weight and failed. for me, that moment was followed by an avalanche of changes, not just in the way i ate – that was the easy part – but in the way i related to food and, even more important, how i related to myself. i began to demand from myself respect, forgiveness, and understanding – three things i rarely asked of myself or others. i often hid in my fat or other emotional insecurities and believed i didn’t deserve to be treated fairly.

physical transformation is, for the most part, finite. we can sculpt our bodies through weight training and surgery, but if we remain the same weight, we pretty much look the same. emotional transformation is infinite, an evolutionary journey."

[lynn @ refuse to regain: emotional transformation and the skinny girl]

the fat-me mirage.

2010-01-05T13:45:00.002+01:00

something odd happened last night as i was brushing my teeth. i'd fallen asleep on the couch watching a documentary with the bf, who woke me up and made me head to the bathroom (oh, sweet love). and there, in the mirror, fat-me was looking back at me.

earlier that night, after coming home from the gym , i'd put on some jeans and an old, too big sweater that i had decided to keep during my wardrobe cull over the weekend. it's this one, actually. supercheap, h&m, acrylic v-neck. nothing special at all, and too big now. but wearing it last night, in the dimly lit bathroom, there was fat-me in the mirror.

in broad daylight, the sweater is quite obviously too big. my arms used to fill the sleeves out completely (see photo), and they just don't anymore, and the boobs that made the sweater tight are gone. and yet. for a few moment there, i saw fat-me. much more clearly, than i ever saw her, when she was actually there.

[i will chuck the sweater into the bin later today.]

things that i love right now. [#2]

2010-01-05T13:09:00.003+01:00

towel service at my gym, 2 euro a week that make me work out more;
my nalgene bottles, which help me drink enough water;
lemon-ginger yogi tea, which really heats me up on these chilly days; and
fennel-aniseed-caraway tea, which is soothing and lovely and awesome.

goals for the week. [#5]

2010-01-05T08:46:00.007+01:00

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

my week was generally lovely – holidays, wee! - but foodwise a total 'so-so'. first off, there were mystery weight fluctuation (64,3kg, anyone?), then i failed to plan lunches, then new years' happened, which sucked, and over the weekend, i totally struggled with having some leftover christmas goodies in the house. they're all gone now. and i feel much more in control again already

how did i do on my goals?

no bread – failed, big time, over new years'. new years' would be worth a whole post by itself, actually, if writing said post wouldn't be so damn depressing. so many things sucked about it (don't they always?), above all, however, my reaction to them. i was a ball of pure stress most of the night, and actually delusioned enough to believe that having my right hand firmly alternating between the bread basket and my mouth would improve the situation.
no booze – oh>, i so wanted to drink on new years'. instead, i guzzled down alcohol free radler (beer with lemonade), which tasted like radler, but didn't give me the relaxing effect of radler, which was very irritating; not having a hangover on january 1^st though? priceless. and good grace, are people ever assholes when intoxicated.
enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling – fail, see above. it wasn't all bad, really, but pretty bad nonetheless. if still a lot better than at previous occasions.
ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up and make an appointment with the ortho;
come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them: kinda – got the goals, need to blog 'em.
get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals: appointment set for january 11.
maintain - kinda. what are normal weight fluctuations of skinny people?

nsv of the week:
lots of compliments from friends i hadn't seen in ages.

what will i do this week?

the kids are here, so meals might turn out to be different than usual. we already had mashed potatoes and (organic) fish fingers last night, ha. the whole thing has been fun, but stressful. life in our household so far has been reduced to management of sleep, food, poop and bodily cleanliness. which is normal, innit? on wednesday, we'll daytrip to switzerland, so i'll have to fix some good out-of-the-house-food for me. the kiddos leave on sunday. can't wait for normalcy, already.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

tuesday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
thursday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)

weekly goals:

no bread;
no booze;
ice my knees twice every day;
blog about my 2010 goals; and
blog about my new plan for when and how start maintenance.

these used to be my skinny jeans.

2010-01-04T16:16:00.004+01:00

i chucked them in the donation bin on saturday.

[mentioned here & pictured here. | very sorry about the fact that i did that whole 'leaning the other way'-pose to make this more obvious. silly me!]

2009 in review.

2009-12-31T00:36:00.002+01:00

1. what did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
stand on mont ventoux. go on holidays with a partner. drive through peage on a frensh auto-route. be faithful. run a 5k. fit into skinny jeans. buy clothes in sizes 36 and 38 and small. go to a tattoo convention.

2. did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i kept them all. but then, my resolutions were pretty simple: one was related to my relationship (and was kept), another one was reading at least 20 books (read 27), and the third and last was taking part in (and finishing) project 365 on flickr. i'll write my new ones down on january first.

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
my bf's sister gave birth to an adorbale new niece, emma.

4. did anyone close to you die?
my dear old cat.

5. what countries did you visit?
france, switzerland, luxemburg

6. what would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
more staying power when it comes to challenging stuff at work, and more focus during and fun there. i also want to become more reliable and better at staying in touch with people.

7. what dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
none, really. no drama, no nightmares.

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
it's so silly, really, but it was indeed finally losing all that weight.

9. what was your biggest failure?
overtraining out of excitement. same old, same old. so glad though, that i didn't use that as an excuse to stop altogether!

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
yup. hurt my knees by running too much and resting too little, still struggling with tension and nerve pain in my shoulder and having way too much fun with various little recurring infections. but it's all small stuff, really.

11.what was the best thing you bought?
the best money i spent was certainly on the rental car for our holidays in france.

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
the boyfriends', obviously. he's been a continous source of support, fun and excitement all year. and mine. i did pretty damn well this year.

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
someone i worked with. but those days are over, woohoo!

14. where did most of your money go?
the trip to france, various other travel and new clothes, oh yes!

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
running!

16. what song will always remind you of 2009?

17. compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? thinner
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. what do you wish you’d done more of?
holidays, obviously. and i wish i'd visited my parents earlier and more often.

19. what do you wish you’d done less of?
nothing, really.

20. how did you spend christmas?
with the bf, not celebrating, as we did last year. it was awesome.

21. did you fall in love in 2009?
every day a little more.

22. what was your favorite tv program?
tatort, a german crime show. and a crappy reality tv dating show about single farmers. 't was the only telly i watched.

23. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
nope. i generally don't hate anymore.

24. what was the best book you read?
sibylle berg. der mann schläft.

25. what was your greatest musical discovery?
julian plenti.

26. what did you want and get?
a fit and strong body. a mirror ball for my flat.

27. what did you want and not get?
nothing, really.

28. what was your favorite film of this year?
michael haneke's 'the white ribbon'.

29. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 31. and i had a fun night out at a local bar, dj-ing with my pal m., pretending we were celebrating the luxemburg natioal holiday.

30. what’s the one things that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
my wonderful relationship.

31. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
dresses! skirts! leggings! tights! for the first time in my life, i own fun clothes and really enjoy coming up with awesome ways to wear stuff. i love to dress up now. oh yes. tonight, i'll be wearing shiny black leggings, like so. and a jumper as a dress. i've obviously lost my mind.

32. what kept you sane?
my wonderful relationship.

33. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
julian plenti/paul banks.

34. what political issue stirred you the most?
nuclear energy.

35. who did you miss?
my pal s., in faraway berlin.

36. who was the best new person you met?
s. from munich. i should really make an effort to become friends with her.

37. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
you can do pretty much anything, if you really really want to.

38. quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
it's getting better all the time.

inspiration. [#9]

2009-12-28T23:40:00.004+01:00

"i don’t love broccoli, and i don’t love the treadmill, but i love the way i feel when i’m healthy and strong. it empowers me in all facets of my life. so remember, that although something may not be fun in the moment, remind yourself of the ultimate reward, and allow that to motivate you through the tough times."

jillian michael [via move your booty|losing weight in the city]

[and i actually love broccoli.]

goals for the week. [#4]

2009-12-28T16:40:00.006+01:00

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

my week was good! i really enjoyed christmas and could actually use another christmas asap. and hey: i reached my goal weight. go me!

how did i do on my goals?

no bread - had whole-wheat bread once, on wednesday, as an emergency measure, ha, to get my stomach moving again; that tastes alright (nowhere near as awesome as i had imagines), and worked okay; but that was that
no booze - totally easy; only downside - i felt like a smug idiot when everyone started being incoherent at our christmas eve get-together
ice my knees twice every day - done; need to keep that up
enjoy christmas - done; and
maintain - failed this one, ha. :) yay for losses, yay for reaching goals!

nsv of the week:
hiking a hill with the dog on yesterdays' walk that left me totally out of breath and winded and unhappy exactly a year ago. and was now easy-peasy.

what will i do this week?

work monday, tuesday and wednesday. i'll be cooking dinner tonight, we'll prolly be going out to dinner tomorrow and i'll be having no carb night by myself on wednesday. we will spend new years' in zurich, which is always total mayhem - not just, because of the hard partying, actually. last year, we ate raclette for 4 hours straight. and again for breakfast. on friday, the guy and i will travel back, hang out at home on saturday (he's got the day off work), and on sunday, the half-sibs of his daughter will come to visit for a week, which will be more of a time-challenge than anything else.

the biggest challenge is definitely new years'. i'll bring some alcohol-free drinks, and some okay snacks, so that i won't freak out and so that some things that i want will be available.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday, pm: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
wednesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
saturday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxi, stretching)

weekly goals:

no bread;
no booze;
ice my knees twice every day;
come up with some definite fitness goals for 2010 and blog about them;
get an appointment with thomas to talk about said goals; and
enjoy new years' and not spend the night nibbling.

possibly the worst photo ever taken of me.

2009-12-28T14:03:00.004+01:00

it's been 618 days, 27,5kg and 5 dress sizes since this picture was taken.

what freaks me out the most, however, is that i actually thought that i looked good then. and i really didn't.

i'm having lots of weird moments of residual shame and sadness right now, looking at photos from my fat days - you know the ones, the ones that just barely escaped the delete-button, the ones other people took and emailed, the ones that are not on flickr.

it's so odd to think: that was me. i still own the very same body that looked that way. i'm so sad about having been that way. and so sad about feeling so crappy about my former self.

it's all a wee bit much sometimes, this change.

now that i've lost weight... [#7]

2009-12-28T13:46:00.004+01:00

wearing stuff in layers is fun!

i never wore layers in my fat days and never got how people could stand wearing plenty of layers. doing so made me supremely uncomfy. i always felt constricted and bulked up and horrible when wearing more than one layer.

i was also often cold.

those days are over. right now, i'm wearing aa winter leggings (oh, i love you!) and socks and legwarmers and a cami and a dress and a cardigan and a scarf. oh, the options!

61,8kg

2009-12-27T11:37:00.003+01:00

arbitrary number? totally. still awesome to reach it?
oh yes, indeed.

[and yay for not-stressing over christmas, eating white chocolate mousse and lasagna and still losing weigh. oh yes. and now i want to find my happy space between 60 and 62kg somewhere.]

to lose or not to lose.

2009-12-26T23:55:00.000+01:00

i'm at a supremely weird stage in my weight loss right now, at one pound away from goal (or so). the closer i get, the more i wonder what (if anything at all) that goal actually means. the answer i get to on most days is: nothing. it's just a number. a number that i kinda randomly chose. a number that is not important at all. a number that doesn't mean anything.

because very little will change, once i see that number on the scale. and because, in so many ways, i have already reached whatever goal i had. i am already there. no: here.

i can (and do!) buy clothes everywhere, in smalls and 38s, and sometimes in 36s, and as a result i own a shitload of beautiful clothes and i dress up each and every day. i work out three times a week and it makes me feel strong and badass and awesome, and i love the sweat and the hard work. i don't feel self-conscious about my body anymore. i weigh between 62 and 63kg, my bmi is 22 and my body fat around 20%. and i can run 5k in 26:10 minutes (if i have to).

and all that is very, very, very odd. these past few weeks have had me in shock about what i look like these days. it's like i haven't looked in the mirror since june or so (but believe me, i have), but there's this skinny person looking back at me, and it is me. and when i say skinny, i actually mean it. i'm pretty lean, apart from my thighs. my chest has got bony bits in them, my arms have got definition and (when not constipated) my belly is flat and muscly.

on thursday at a christmas get-together a friend of mine whom i hadn't seen in a while worriedly asked me whether i "still had that weight loss thing under control". that same day, another friend asked me, whether "i still wanted to lose even more weight". the bf reckons i should be done as well. and this morning at the gym, pt thomas (whom i hadn't seen in a while) said "so that plan we got you is working, eh?" and it is. and it has.

now. what do i want? what do i want to look like, what do i want to achieve fitness-wise, what do i want to weigh? i'm still not sure.

my head is full of various non-scale goals for 2010: 5ks, 10ks, being able to do a real pull-up, that mini-tri. but what else do i want? what does all that mean?

i'm still not sure.

fuel vs. happiness.

2009-12-26T23:44:00.006+01:00

ben wrote something smart this week:

"food is fuel for the body, not a source of happiness.
this is something i constantly need to remind myself."

and he's right, of course.

however.

for me, good fuel is also a source of happiness. fresh, homecooked, healthy and delicious food that i want to eat and that makes me feel good makes me happy. it's an expression of self-love, that good food. i feed myself well, because i love myself. and that self-love? makes me happy.

this morning, after i got home from the gym (i went to the gym at 9am on boxing day, crazy me), i snacked on an apple, a banana, a slice of honey cake that i'd baked yesterday, a zimtstern that my mom had sent from a bakery at home and two organic marzipan potatoes with 70% almond content (super high quality). and that? made me happy. because it was a snack that was just right for that very moment. indulgent, kinda. but just right. and a much better choice than anything i'd eaten say, a year ago. back in the day, i would eat entire bags of marzipan potatoes as dessert after my work lunch. which didn't bring me any lasting happiness at all, i might add.

the past few days were full of good fuel that made me happy. the bf and i, we've spend a good long time every day in the kitchen, cooking and baking and cleaning up afterwards. and all that made me happy as well. we always cook from scratch anyway, but having the time to cook elaborate stuff is so! much! fun! yesterday, he made monkfish wrapped in pesto-covered eggplant, which was healthy and heavenly and happiness-inducing, at the same time. ignoring and/or denying the happiness aspect of that meal would be plain evil. and well: a lie.

and yet.

i am well aware that the reason i finally lost weight this time around (and why i believe it will stay off for good, too) is because i primarily eat for fuel, and because i have retrained myself, as to what food happiness is. these days, it's not pringles and choco crossies. it's making healthy choices. and it's a much better, much longer lasting feeling, that happiness: it's feeling good before, during and after a snack like this morning's, not for the two minutes (if at all) that wolfing down a bag of cheap marzipan potatoes at my desk used to take.

maybe fuel and happiness can be comrades, not necessarily enemies. or so.

overeating on healthy stuff.

2009-12-22T22:09:00.000+01:00

i ate too much healthy food this past week. my hastily cooked oatmeal-servings were a bit large, i had a few nicely un-ripe bananas, and a super-large serving of yellow lentils.

and then, nothing happened.

as in: in my bowels. all day saturday, i felt like i had swallowed a bunch of bricks. had cups and cups and cups of supposedly digestion-enhancing herbal tea, drank a lot of water, took some homeopathic drops and lay around with a hot water bottle on my belly. all to no avail. ouch. not really my kind of problem, that one. it has since improved somewhat, but i'm still feeling bloated and uncomfy and just...not happy. duh. and it's gotten worse tonight, even though i ate super-healthy and totally normal portions of veges and fruit all day.

had that problem prolly three or four times since starting to loose weight, very odd. i seem to notice it more since there's less belly. much harder to ignore what's happening (or not) in there, when there is so much less padding and all.

according to dr.google, i shouldn't have been surprised by the sudden stoppage, really. all that stuff i've been eating, all that fibre, was kinda like eating concrete. the oatmeal should cook longer, the bananas should be riper, i should be drinking even more and eating more fats. same old, same old.

but what can i do right now? since i got home from the gym tonight, i haven't really felt like eating at all, so i just sipped some miso. but this is supposed to be my carb free protein rich dinner-night. boo.

and: ouch.

christmas shopping.

2009-12-22T11:19:00.001+01:00

there are so many eggs on our christmas food shopping list one might think we actually want to celebrate easter this week.

on our menu are lasagna (without meat, though, obviously), monkfish with chestnut-sweet potato-mash and veges, romanlily's mustard-maple salmon (without hollandaise, though) and pumpkin soup.

and tiramisu, white chocolate mousse, an apple pie and a honey cake. oh yes.

desserts - if not now, when?

goals for the week. [#3]

2009-12-21T08:35:00.013+01:00

my weight on monday morning:

how was my week?

work was as nightmarish as expected and my cat died. it sucked. but give that, i did relatively well, really. am so very tired right now, though. can't wait for three days off and nothing to do.

i've had a bit of stomach trouble in the second half of the week: was kinda stopped up, super uncomfy and bloated. guess i'll have to cook my oatmeal longer and eat less bananas (or let them ripen more) and switch back to my old fave meal of carrots and quark every once in a while

how did i do on my goals?

no bread - only had bread once, at that dinner-thing on saturday, that was totally aimed at meat-eaters and where i'd been hungry, otherwise, so totally okay;
no booze - absolutely easy-peasy;
no sweets apart from the daily piece of chocolate - failed this one. there was that mindless christmas cookie incident when i was super hungry, have already forgiven myself though;
diligent point-counting and hunger tracking - tracked everything, go me!
write a blog-post on body image and goal weight - still owe this one;
decide the christmas menu with the guy and come up with a plan for the holidays - done!
ice my knees twice a day, every day - done!

nsv of the week:
sauna-ing with the bf without a moment of feeling self-conscious about my body (germany, land of full on nudity saunas).

what will i do this week?

enjoy christmas! i've decided that i don't want to be super-restrictive over christmas. i won't let my guard down completely (pretty sure i wouldn't be able to, anyway), and i'll still be counting points, but it's going to be, well, christmas. and there will be dessert.

the bf and i, we've figured out, what we'll cook, and it's a nice combination of kinda indulgent (as in: not everyday) stuff and regular meals. we'll have lasagna on christmas eve, monkfish with mashed chestnut sweet potatoes and veggies on the 25, or fave baked salmon on the 26 and our fave pumpkin soup on the 27.

i'm so very good at making dessert, and i just never ever do that, these days, so i'll be making white chocolate mousse, tiramisu, apple pie and a christmas honey cake. we'll have friends coming over sometime to help us finish those off, so that's all good. i'll also buy a tiny bit of high quality christmas sweets from our fave bakery, and that'll be it.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

tuesday, pm: (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching), followed by no-carb-night
thursday, am: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)
saturday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)

also: long walks with the dog, who'll be with us from the 25th on.

weekly goals:

no bread, still the best rule of all,
no booze;
ice my knees twice every day
enjoy christmas; and
hence: maintain. 'tis the time of the year and all.

now that i've lost weight. [#6]

2009-12-21T08:20:00.002+01:00

it's uncomfy to sleep on my side with my knees aligned.

r., who has been skinny all his life, assures me that that's normal. apparently, some skinny people actually put blankets or pillows between their knees to remedy that bone-on-bone-feeling. i never knew!

tired.

2009-12-18T23:40:00.003+01:00

i'm tired, folks. it's been a weird, sad week, this one.

see: my dear old cat that i've had for half my life died on wednesday. i've been exceptionally sad about it. not just because she was a good cat (she hated me, really, but she was just the kind of cat our family needed and deserved, just as weird as all of us), but also because of what she meant for the family. when we had nothing to talk about, we could always talk about the cat. when we weren't talking to each other, we could always talk to the cat. i keep thinking about all the tiny little things i loved about her (her awesome ears, her hatred of certain types of music, the way she'd welcome my mom every moring), and get all soppy about 'em. and then i think about my friend s's girlfried, whose dad died of lung cancer within seven days of being diagnosed, and feel all ridiculous being sad about a cat. so there.

everything else has been pretty ok though, really. have been to the gym three times already this week (and will go again on sunday; change of plans and all), haven't had a drop of booze, have been eating well, yadayadayada. am still on a roll, kinda. hopped on the gym's fancy fat scale on wednesday, and while i only lost a tiny bit of weight in the past month, i dropped two kg of fat (!), so it proclaimed a giant 10% body fat loss since june. good stuff. i also bought some skinny jeans this week. which is extremely weird. and awesome. love 'em.

but the dominating feeling right now is exhaustion. i'm so very very tired. and it shows.

this arvo, i didn't get a lunch break till 3pm. walked to the bf's shop during said break, superhungry, and immediately gorged down some christmas cookies just because they were there (the bf and his colleague are -get this- currently giving a mighty discount to every customer who brings homemade christmas cookies). they were not worth it, i briefly felt shitty about it (and really, my behaviour was rather worrisome) but then forgave myself immediately. i need to look after myself better, not let myself get that hungry and exhausted and let myself enjoy some high quality christmas stuff in a situation that's actually enjoyable. oh well.

speaking of exhaustion: time to head to bed right this very minute. more tomorrow.

now that i've lost weight...[#5]

2009-12-16T15:00:00.001+01:00

i wear skinny jeans. can't quite get my head around that fact.

goals for the week. [#2]

2009-12-13T18:54:00.010+01:00

my weight on monday morning:

how was my week?

my week was pretty spectacular! had a fab time in berlin (and off work), ate a lot of superyummy food while staying within points, hung out with lots of friends, did bikram yoga three times (oh, yay!) and had a bikram related epiphany. and i also lost a tiny bit of weight - 0,4kg, one pound. a bit more would have been nice, but is maybe a bit much to ask after a few days of late-night eating and partying, even if the latter has been booze-free.

see: we got to talk about booze. i will not drink any alcohol until april 1st.

i would have abstained from january 2nd until april 1st anyway (the bf and i did that this year, and it did us both extremely well), and this early start is a gift to my friend s. to cut a long story about a not so spectacular part of the week short: our partying on wednesday night got out of hand, and the same happened to her when she was out by herself on thursday, and i held her hair as she puked and collapsed on her bathroom floor when she got home just after i did. then she hyperventilated, and her eyes got all weird and i seriously considered calling an ambulance, but then managed to get the whole situation under control.

now drinking too much every once in a while is kinda okay (if kinda stupid, still)
when you're 19, but a whole lot less okay when you're 39, and most definitely not okay at all when you drink to deal with problems and if your hangovers are so bad that you can't get up for a whole day. this wasn't the first time stuff like this has happened. last year, she ended up in hospital after a festival, and every time she and i have been at festivals, she collapsed because of booze. her boyfriend (who had a definite booze and drug problem) just left her, and the last time that happened, she got into the habit of drinking two bottles of red by herself at home at night. which was most definitely not okay, either.

the one way i could convince her to quit booze was telling her that i'd do it as well. even though i do not have a problem, and barely drink, really, ever since the bf and i went cold turkey this past january; which totally turned all my booze drinking around. and so i am. doing so will be hard, and has been hard, already. had nothing but mineral water at saturdays' office party, and got to dodge two "are you pregnant?"-questions. there will be christmas. and new year's (among a whole bunch of people who love to booze and else). everything.

now, s. and i, we're so far apart (800km), that neither of us would know, if the other one did booze up. but i really want to be honest and make this work. because i really want her to stop drinking. and not just for the next three months, but for good.

so yeah. all that kinda made my week a bit less spectacular. but i'll make it work.

still lovin' the new ww programme: i get to eat so very much! all the time! it's very easy and very enjoyable, and i feel much less deprived than i did on the previous programme.

how did i do on my goals?

no bread: did ok! (apart from those evil christmas cookies at the office christmas party and the burger i had friday night)
relaxing no booze-rule for two nights: done! had drinks on one night only: wednesday, and diligently jotted down their points.
diligent points counting: done! (even though i did eat my weekly allowance; amassed a glorious 53 activity points though, that i didn't dig into at all)

what will i do this week?

this will be a regular, if kinda crazy pre-christmas work-week. will have a lot of work on monday and tuesday, and there's a friend of the guy visiting, so we'll go out for dinner tonight. will cook tuesday night, and do my usual no carb-night on wednesday. saturday might get a bit difficult, food- and boozewise: the bf and his best friend and workmate are throwing a dinner party for everyone who helped with their shop reopening this year. it'll be hard, but i'll manage.

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)

wednesday: gym (30 minutes rowing or other cardio; 2 rounds fat burning circle, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching, sauna)

saturday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, 30 minutes hypoxy, stretching, sauna)

weekly goals:

no bread;
no booze;
no sweets apart from the daily piece of chocolate (got another yeast infection, hooray!);
diligent point-counting and hunger tracking;
write a blog-post on body image and goal weight;
decide the christmas menu with the guy and come up with a plan for the holidays (and write about it); and
ice my knees twice a day, every day.

burger & fries.

2009-12-12T09:01:00.002+01:00

i had (veggie) burger & fries last night. and they were totally worth it.

had a discussion with the guy sometime last week, about when and why i'd eat some fast food. turns out last night was one of those nights. met a friend at a legedary local burger place (at his insistence), where they actually home-make the veggie, bean and tofu patties that they put on their veggie burgers. which of course makes them superyummy. so i had a burger & fries, and they totally hit the fast food spot last night. even though i could have chosen not do eat anything, because of the weight thing. and weirdly enough, after i allowed myself to enjoy this splendid crappy meal, i only ate about 1/3 of the (small) serving of fries. because they were yummy, yes, but i really didn't need em that much.

is this how normal eating people eat fast food? i wonder.

now back to hometown. i'm kinda sad.

bikram. [#03]

2009-12-11T16:21:00.004+01:00

i had an epiphany after class today. (blessed be those bikram endorphins.)

i will become a bikram teacher.

yesterday was a supremely weird day. i was somehow, somewhat, kinda offered a job for next year and a writing gig on the side for now, and someone else (the conference in chile guy) liked my initial ideas a lot and wants me to take part in another conference/teaching thing in summer. and it all got me thinking about what's important in life, namely: how important is my job in the grande scheme of things? would i move to berlin for a job? (which would mean a definite end to my relationship, because i will never ever have a ldr again, and because r. cannot relocate because of his business) it really got me down a bit, all that. talked about it with friends for most of the night and all.

and then i had class today. it was taught my f., and he was as high-energy and awesome as on wednesday, and the class was SPLENDID. very hot and sweaty and fun. i had a fantastic time, really. i put my head and elbows on the floor again and even - get this - could let go of the floor in toe stand and put the palms of my hands together in front of my chest. i was smiling through the rest of class after that, and the entire floor series was fabulous. rabbit was great, and in tortoise, i touched my forehead to the floor before my hands for the very first time ever. crazy.

afterwards i was high and happy and kinda sad, and when i left and said goodbye, f. commented on my smiling: "it's so lovely that you smiled in class today, i had a class yesterday where everyone was grim, and it's so nice when someone lifts the mood." i told him how much i'd enjoyed it and how sad i was to not have a studio to practice and whatnot, and then he said, out of the blue: "do teachers' training." "what about the requirement of a 6 month studio practice?" "i had a guy in my year from scotland, who came out of a home practice as well. you can do it. ask h&k (from our previous studio) for a recommendation. you're such a vibrant, positive person, you'll do well."

and a lightbulb went off in my head: there are so many options. i don't just have the choice between crappily paid superstressful (but awesome) journo jobs in my hometown (the one that i have) or in faraway places. i don't have to choose between interesting work and happiness. i don't have to freak out because of this media crisis thing right now, and be scared about a potential job loss. this is not a definite plan by any means, but i could be self-employed and a bikram teacher while i write on the side. and there are a zillion other things i could do. i know that my life has been so much better with r. in it than ever before. what we have is above everything else. my life has also been so much better since i threw bikram into the mix. i need this yoga. i want this yoga. it has made me happy and healthy and skinny. i want more of it.

i called r. right after i left the studio, crying happy tears (no, seriously, endorphins are killer!), and after i'd stopped telling him that i really really want to become a bikram teacher, he said "i love you. not the journalist c. you are so many things. you can and will do this, if you want to."

so there.

bikram? is freakin' life-changing yoga. and i feel so much better already. so much less scared about my job stuff. i can be a bikram teacher.

i will be a bikram teacher.

bikram. [#02]

2009-12-10T13:52:00.003+01:00

i'm such a rockstar.

my friend s. and i stayed out drinking till 2:30am last night. and 7 hours later, i was sweating on my mat at bikram. oh yes. sweating out beer, possibly. he.

the class was good, but not as good as yestersdays': it was taught by b., whose dialogue is too soft; she's not very specific, kinda sloppy, not strict and even her tone of voice is not hard enough, really. in turn, her classes (and i've taken a few of them, both here and in my home studio) are always kinda wobbly and the energy isn't very high. tried to remind myself during class, when i felt resistance to her teaching welling up, that this was one more opportunity to work on non-attachement to everything surrounding the yoga, by doing my best, despite the crappy dialogue. oh well. 't was lovely anyway, and halfway through class, my towel looked like the shroud of turin from the sweat.

was a wee bit sore and tight today, but nowhere near as bad as i feared. managed to put my head on the floor in standing separate leg stretching pose and my elbows during head to knee stretching pose, and my standing head to knee and bows were pretty damn fine. in fact all my backbends were pretty fab. really felt a good lift in full locust, which never ever happens, really.

awesome, all that.

now off for a busy afternoon meeting various business contacts and friends; the grande outing i'd planned with my pal s. for tonight fell through though. bummer. got other plans already, that will quite likely be better for my health and wellbeing though. :)

yay for bigcitylife and bikram!

bikram. [#01]

2009-12-09T18:59:00.003+01:00

my first bikram class in eight months was awesome. oh, so very awesome.

one of my teachers from my previous studio taught todays' class, and it was intense, and hot and oh-so-familiar. like coming home. f. has got a superstrong dialogue, and i kept hearing out joint teachers in his voice: h. from our home studio, craig and bikram himself, obviously. it was lovely.

the whole class was lovely and amazing and weird and great at the same time. i felt fantastic. i loved the sweating and i was close to happy tears during my old foe, camel pose. it feels so good to move this way, so natural, so familar. so good. even though everything was different. i can do the poses so much better these days. i can wrap my toes around my calf in eagle. i can actually see my bellybutton during rabbit. there is so much less of me, that there is so much more space to move my body. it's very very odd.

the weirdest thing was looking at myself for 90 minutes though. i've never done that, obviously (my gym, which is of the health variety, only has mirrors in the free weights area, and in the class rooms; and when i'm there, i wear significantly more clothes than during bikram); especially not in shorts and a bra and while moving and using my muscles. and by god, i have so many of 'em, and so many bony bits, too!

it's weird. i really am a bit disconnected, still, from my new, kinda skinny body. i haven't quite realised that it's mine. but it is, and it's mine to keep.

and yeah: next class, tomorrow morning 9:30am.

melting away.

2009-12-07T22:51:00.002+01:00

"you look fabulous." she has complimented me months before and we've said hi every time we've seen each other at the gym since then. "you look really fabulous, it's like that weight has been melting off you." "thank you", i reply. "it's been a lot of hard work and it's lovely that you're telling me you've noticed." "really, how could one not notice! keep it up!"

[<3]

goals for the week. [#1]

2009-12-07T12:42:00.008+01:00

my weight on sunday morning:

how was my week?

superbusy and good. had a lot of stuff at work that turned out alright, and some patchwork family stress that had me upset for a while, but that i see much more clearly now. the weekend was lovely and relaxing and good. my eating was ok this week, apart from wednesday night, when i was at a business meeting and fell into the pretzel trap. love the new ww plan, and am really motivated right now. only real bummer: still some knee pain.

what will i do this week?

monday and tuesday: work

wednesday till saturday: berlin trip

saturday: office christmas party

sunday: relaxation & kid-visit

when will i work out and what will i be doing?

monday: gym (2 rounds strength circle, weights, 30 minutes rowing or other cardio, stretching)

wednesday: 8:30am bikram class

thursday: 9:30am bikram class

friday: 9:30am bikram class

won't manage to go to the gym on saturday (will get back at 5:30pm or so, and have to be at the party by 7:30 or so), and realistically won't be able to (and won't want to) work out on sunday (kid's here, there might be a hangover and there will definitely be some exhaustion and post-bikram pain, so i'll veg out and enjoy it). will get back in the swing of things next monday, with my usual monday-wednesday-saturday-routine

weekly goals:

no bread (that's doing me so very good!), not even during the train trips (got to plan my train trip meals!)
general no booze-rule will be relaxed for thursday (hanging out with friends) and saturday (office party)
diligent points counting (no digging into weekly extra, if possible)

how did i do on my goals?

hadn't set them well enough this past week.

pardon me?

2009-12-05T16:32:00.005+01:00

the woman, mid-fifties, probably, comes over to me while i am doing my second round on the weight circle, just as i am adjusting everything for the last but one exercise.

"you really shouldn't grimace like that while you're working out", she says, smiling conspiratively. "you'll get wrinkles."

[i really wish i'd had a good reply. instead i stared at her in disbelief before mumbling something along the lines of "i won't mind wrinkles once i get them, that's life." thing is: i know i grimace. i'm really pushing it during my workouts these days. i sweat and grimace and breathe hard (and try not to moan). i'm at the gym to work out, not to look good. if at all, i want to look good outside of the gym. tsk.]

downhill.

2009-12-04T21:40:00.002+01:00

hooray. the worst, it is over. not just for the week, but probably for the rest of the year, really. it's all downhill from here. i took it really easy at work today, so there's quite a bit of stuff i need to get done before i head off on tuesday (might have to sneak in an hour or two of uni-course stuff this weekend, actually), but it's all manageable. no terrible deadlines, no presentations, nothing.

pheww.

made sure the new year wasn't going to get too boring though: i was asked today to give a presentation for a conference in early january on using the net to create change in the real world (or something, still not fully discussed that with the organisers). the conference is in - get this - santiago de chile. and they'd fly me out, which would be superawesome, but is totally not doable, with the amount of holidays i can take this coming year. so it's going to happen via video. which is kinda funky, but very sad. the more i think about it, the sadder i get. chile! south america! i've never been! and then i think about air travel, by myself, and doing it via video suddenly seems super attractive again. meeting the guy in charge in berlin next week, to discuss the whole thing. kinda weird, but fun. good stuff.

other good stuff about berlin: will definitely hang out with my guy pal s. on thursday; last time we did, at an award-night in june, it ended in a gloriously drunken night out dancing: we were the overdressed people drinking real champagne on the dancefloor of the indie club. ha.

not so good stuff about berlin: my friend s. is sick, possibly with bacon fever (h1n1), and has serious asthma issues. saw her doc today, who wants to have her admitted to hospital this weekend, if things get worse. no matter what: things are not looking up for my visit, really. duh.

will see.

food wise, all's good. loving the new and obviously improved ww plan here in germany (they call it propoints). have been diligently keeping diary, and so far it's been good (apart from my pretzel pig out at a work meeting last night). am much more motivated, right now, and love the new hunger-tracker; great tool to check out why you're eating, which is such a problem for me sometimes.

so happy it's friday night, so happy i don't have to get up at 7am tomorrow, so happy i get to work out and go shopping and cook and bake cookies and take a long walk with the dog and sleep in with the guy and just exhale.

oh yes.

some more befores.

2009-12-04T17:59:00.003+01:00

while searching for some pics on my computer at work, i once again stumbled across some photos i'd forgotten about. and that i can't stop looking at.

july 2007
oh, boobs: i miss you.

april 2008
this is a crappy hotel elevator mirror shot that i took a few days before i finally started weight watchers. i remember that day pretty well: a band that my then-bf managed played their final show that weekend, and i remember making sure to dress up: in jeans and a jersey shirt (clothes i wouldn't even wear to work these days), and i remember how tight the jeans were, how the shirt felt too short and how uncomfy i was all weekend.
i'm in shock really, how puffy my face was. so very different now.

july 2008

this is a 'during' shot, taken in late july 2008. i'd lost about 10kg by then. and when i saw this pic (and others), i couldn't quite get my head around the fact that i was still chubby.

it's thursday, and i'm angry.

2009-12-03T11:13:00.007+01:00

i'm ANGRY this morning, and i HATE it.

first off, the it department did an automatic update on my work pc, which killed all my browsers (bye bye, bookmarks, you'll be missed). and then i hear that the guys' immediate ex, n., who dumped him, oh, just about 20 months ago , is currently hanging out with the family.

(this is, where it gets complicated, because it is: the family, that's the bf's first wife. not the one we hung out with this past weekend, but l., the mother of his grown daughter and non-bio sons).

and this? just rubs me the wrong way. which is pretty silly, really, and most likely a serious case of patchwork family growing pains.

see: ex-wife l. recently ended up in a freaking nigerian romance scam (yes, that shit really happens to real people), and i've basically spend the past six weeks on the phone to her every single night. it's been a shitload of emotional work and so freaking hard.

when the stuff l. told me about her online relationship started to raise a whole army of red flags, back in september, i really wanted to help her, wanted to save her both the emotional and the financial pain. i was all gentle and instead of telling her i thought it was a scam all along, i pointed out the inconsistencies, until i finally had to be direct. i totally failed, really, and she got all angry with me for being so negative about her relationship. and when it dawned on her, weeks later, that i'd been right all along, i had to work through all her shitty feelings towards me.

i was super gentle and patient and helpful. i was on the phone with a woman who does a self-help group for victims. i read books on the topic. i did ip scans and checked databases for the scammers photo. and above all, i really worked hard at getting through to her and helping her cope, which was really frustrating, because some part of her? is still, even now, in denial, making up possible explanations for this shit.

and after all that, she's now hanging out (for a few days, even) with n.? n., the immediate ex of the bf. n., who rings our freaking doorbell at 3am in the morning, high on some shit, on a night when she thinks i am not at home, wanting to be with the bf again.

i'm not supposed to like that, am i?

i know i'm all ridiculous and whatnot. it's their lives, their relationship, and neither has a direct impact on mine. but really: it still feels shitty. it feels like one more way that n. is trying to sneak back into everyone's lives (specifically the bf's). and it feels like l. does not value what i've done these past months.

argh, argh, argh.

hello, insecurities, haven't seen you in quite a while.

pheeeeeew.

2009-12-02T23:57:00.004+01:00

that sound? that was me, exhaling. these past few days and weeks have been evil. the weekend trip to r's not-yet-ex-wife and her new boyfriend was lovely, if carb-loaden. the best part was shopping at aa with the bf on monday, where i finally bought the school girl skirt i've been ogling for months. it's super-hot, and i have no clue (yet) as to how to wear it without coming off all 'hit me baby one more time'-like, but i'll figure it out. i'm seriously lusting for all those new crazy aa tights, btw, but resisted. good me! so while monday was all relaxing, tuesday and today were super-crazy again with a doc's appointment (hello, viral infection that shall not be named!), a shitload of work and the first part of this semesters' teaching gig at uni tonight. it was all super stressful, really, but it's all downhill from here on, oh yes.

there's still a lot of work and whatnot (isn't that always the case?), but i'll leave work at 4pm tomorrow (come hell or high water) and get my hair cut (so very necessary!), before a work gig/media roundtable thing in the evening. i'll sail through friday, and then it'll be the weekend, which i'll spend with the guy and the dog and at the gym and baking cookies for the office christmas party. and then i'll sail through monday as well, have more fun at the gym, and on tuesday after work, i'll hop on a train to berlin, where i'll spend the rest of the week with my best friend s who i haven't seen since april. i'll also get to do bikram yoga, every single day.

but that's next week.

this week has been going ok in the fitness and food department (at least since returning from that weekend away), had a good workout today, even though thomas had me ditch the rowing machine because of knee pain. used a stationary bike and nearly died of boredom instead. whine, whine. (seriously wondering though: was i really on pain, or just too tired for the rowing machine? i wonder, really.).

on no carb night tonight as well. almost ruined it, when i realised i didn't have any of my fave chocolate for dessert and grabbed a chocolate covered rice cake. before i could open its wrapper though, i realised the mistake. found some other choc in the fridge, took a piece, and threw it away, when the first bite tasted stale. changes, people, changes! got to buy choc tomorrow, though.

final note to self: those granola bars with maltitol? are totally not worth the gastro-trouble they cause. oh no. (had one this arvo, and felt bloated and crappy for the rest of the day. crazy. am i getting more sensitive to that crap? no more!)

now that i've lost weight. [#4]

2009-11-27T22:30:00.001+01:00

now this will sound rather pro-ana, but one of the fave parts on my newly skinny body? is that bony dent on my sternum. oh yes, indeed.

after you killed me.

2009-11-27T21:45:00.005+01:00

this week, people? it has killed, no, slayed me. (don't i say this every week, btw?) there's just been a mount everest of work, way too little sleep, the gym trips have been hard and i'm just...spent.

so glad it's friday night now. so glad i got my bum to the gym tonight already, so glad that all i have to do tonight is put one more story online, tidy up a wee bit and pack my bag for the weekend trip r. and i are going to embark on tomorrow to see his - please laugh now, or wonder what kind of weird life i lead - erm, wife and her new boyfriend.

see, r. and her split up six years or so ago, and just haven't gotten divorced yet, for visa reasons, among other things (they're going to, soon though, because she wants kids with her new bf). their relationship is all amicable and i like her a lot (totally would have married her, if i was him) and i am super curious about her new boyfriend. good stuff, actually, all that. we just don't see each other nearly enough. last time was in late april. which should spark some comments, seeing i was about 15kg heavier then. ahem.

so yeah: long weekend ahead, because i've got monday off work as well. there'll be sleeping in tomorrow, then a relaxed train trip, and then fun with friends and on monday, there'll be shopping, just the guy and me, before we head home.

it's going to be splendid.

everything has been pretty alright, really, despite the stress. eating-wise, i'm in the groove, really. switched my breakfast to oatmeal, and that keeps me super-satisfied and happy for a good long while and is very yummy. also had a hot lunch (just some organic soup) some days, and that's been awesome, too. even my no carb-evening on wednesday was easy. same's true for the gym: that new workout schedule i'm on is super-intense, but super-quick, and i'm loving both.

only thing that's not been so great are my knees: haven't been icing them diligently (for lack of time, haha), and they were hurting during regular walking today. and during rowing. duh. which (as sick as that is) makes me feel better for not running that long planned and paid for 5,5k in basel tomorrow. sob!

anyway. 'tis all good. really.

looking at the woman in the mirror.

2009-11-25T14:27:00.003+01:00

19 april 2008

20 november 2009

cd166

2009-11-23T10:46:00.002+01:00

and on cycle day 166, my body decided it was time to menstruate again. hooray!

[also: ouch! and: now my whole freaking out-eating crap-thing over the weekend makes even more sense! weeh!]

post-freak out.

2009-11-22T21:39:00.003+01:00

i'm home again, and the weekend seems a lot less terrible than, say, 20 hours ago. this trip to my parents, while stressful, was a lot better than expected, actually. i'm just glad it's over for now, and that contact has been re-established. we can all move forward now, and it's going to get better from now on. or something.

my eating hasn't been much better today though than yesterday, i'm afraid. brekkie and lunch were really good, but there's been tons of mediocre snacking again, and then a four hour train trip, and right now, i'm hungry and waiting for a friend to finish work so that we can finally, finally head out to our planned late-night dinner. i've already forgiven myself for the snacking yesterday and today. i was stressed out and lonely and medicated in a crappy way, but it's ok. it happened, i can't change it, and feeling bad about it won't make a positive difference. i'll move forward. i can and will make better choices the rest of today and tomorrow and the rest of the week, month, year, my life.