holidays!

it's sunday night. sunday nights are usually filled with dread because of the workweek ahead, but not today. because tomorrow night, the bf and i will pack up the car we've rented for the next two weeks (and have christened 'jacques'), and very early tuesday (like: 5am), we will start driving south. we're going on holidays to southern france. and i can't quite believe it, really.

our holiday will include lots of driving with jacques, lots of wine, the ocean, lovemaking, excursions to montpellier, sete, millau and carcasonne, running and bikram yoga (without heat). we'll be staying with hippie friends of the bf, who live as marginals in the middle of nowhere. they do their own farming, have built their own house; the kitchen is outside, the shower, too, and the loo is an outhouse. and i can't wait, really. i so deserve these ten days away, with the boy. and while trying my best to eat well, i will not stress out about food too much. i will enjoy what is there, drink wine, try new stuff. and i will alternate mp3-led bikram yoga sessions (by bikram himself!) with running. and that will be enough.

i've been doing pretty alright this past week, btw, if not superwell, and it was more maintain-then-weight-loss mode, really. went to the gym twice for nice and hefty workouts, had a good weigh-in, whatnot. alas, for time reasons, no running, and some rather relaxed eating (big indian homecooked feast with friends on thursday, family party celebrating n.'s first day of primary school over the weekend etc.) the food made me feel crappy (afterwards, at least), and i missed running. early this morning, i went for my first real run since the 5k (did hypoxi-stuff at the gym this week), and spontaneously did about 7k. enjoyed every single step and can't wait to run during our trip.

what's been not so great is my health. again. ha. apart from that recurring viral crap, my md suspects gastritis (and ebv, yay!) and ordered a bunch of tests, whose results i'll get tomorrow. i made the mistake to google some recent symptoms, and dr.google suggests gallbladder issues. which wouldn't be surprising at all, considering that i've lost 50lb and all. am kinda freaked out about that.

oh well. doc's appointment tomorrow. then packing. then holidays. no matter what.

see you in october!

the soundtrack to my first 5k.

[and my fave lines of that last song? "you can go wherever you wanna go, you can do whatever you wanna do" how fitting.]

letting go of the greed.

a large part (no pun intended, ha) of my weight problem was caused by greed.

looking back on it, that greed - in all it's glory - is extremely ridiculous and embarrassing. i ate in secret, where no one could take my food away (much like diane - her posts on this really hit close to home). i always made sure i had a portion that was as big as (or bigger than) my partners' and had more of the stuff that i liked the best, like cheese crust on a lasagna. at my parents' house i made sure to re-buy the stuff that i had finished (like a 12 pack of ice cream sticks in a weekend) so that they wouldn't notice. i also got ridiculously upset when someone ate food that i had bought for myself. and at the office, after everyone had left, i would polish off whatever leftover sweets could be found in the kitchen. at the supermarket, i'd buy two cans of wasabi nuts and finish off one while cooking before the bf came home and hide it in the trash.

it was all rather ugly.

it's surprisingly hard let go of all that. these old habits die hard. or maybe not at all.

right now, for example, i'm at the office by myself. everyone has left for the day. and there's a full plate of cookies in the office kitchen. "no one would notice if i had some." was the first thought in my head when i saw them a little while ago, when i went into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. "it's been such a long day, you deserve a treat."

hello old habits.

you know: i know that these cookies aren't even yummy. i bought them for an interviewee who was here yesterday. they are factory cookies, made from cheap ingredients. they were cheap andthey've been on that plate since yesterday and are most likely kinda soggy. there are a zillion things that are better treats than these cookies. and anyway: instead of lunch, i had apple cake today.

that voice in my head? my voice in my head? needs to shut up. i might need a treat, i might deserve it, even, but those cookies aren't what i need, and they will not make me feel better.

i'm not safe yet. i might not be almost 90kg anymore, but my brain still works the same way it did back then. the closeted eating is over, but my brain still gives me the impulses it gave me back in the day. i'm still learning to let go of my greed. when "i deserve this." is the first thought in my head upon seeing free food, i need to consciously tell myself "yup, you do, but you deserve to be healthy and skinny as well."

i need to, no, i am letting go of fat-me and all the habits that got me fat, including eating in secret and always fixing myself the bigger portions and having the leftovers standing at the kitchen counter.

i deserve a life without that ugly greed.

my first 5k.

well, well. i did it. and i still can't quite believe it. my first ever 5k, in 26:10 min. i'd told everyone i was aiming for 35 minutes, but secretly, i was hoping for 30.

and then i did 26:10.

running without my still not functioning nikeplus, i had no idea how fast i was running, and after 2k, when i ran past the clock at the finish line and it showed 9:09, i thought that i had started way too fast, like out of my league too fast. i felt so good, however, that i started wondering whether i might actually be able to do a much better than i had dared to dream. waiting for the start right next to a dad and his sons, one of the kids asked me how fast i was going to run. "no idea", i said. "maybe 12:95, like your starting number?" the kid joked. "probably twice that, and some more", i replied. so funny that i actually ended up running exactly that. ha.

it was super hot on sunday, mid-twenties and sunny, and between 2 and 4k, i was hot, thirsty (and hungry!) and kinda lost, mentally. i had a full on case of tunnel vision. i just couldn't believe that i was really running a race. in public. with 1800 other people. after two or three songs, i didn't even hear the music in my ipod. i saw r. cheering me at various spots of the track though, and e. and her hubbie. but no one else, even though i was so thankful for each and every (faceless) person who was cheering from the sidewalks (blessed be the folks who had prepped cups of water at the exact point of the race when i needed it the most!).

at about 3k, i was running with a guy in a yellow shirt, and deemed him to be as fit as me (no clue, really, how i made that decision), and i decided to make him my sparring partner for this race. i wanted to be faster than that bloke, and his yellow shirt made it easy to keep track of him. at 4k, i was pretty damn tired (and thirsty and hungry), and my brain gave me that silly "hey, walk for a while"-talk, but i didn't listen to it and kept running and overtook the guy in the yellow shirt, and before i knew it, i had turned the final corner and was running the last few metres towards the finish line, through cheering crowds. and just before i crossed that finish line, i saw the clock and it showed 26:05 and smiled and ran and cried and ran and crossed the line and stopped. and then i was done. and crying and smiling and happy.

afterwards, i drank four cups of water, found e. and her hubbie and the boyfriend (still looking for me at the finish line by 33 minutes or so, ha!), had a piece of cake from the unbelievable cake buffet and an unfaltering smile on my face for the rest of the day. at home, i took a long, much needed nap, had a shower, put on my new size 38 nümph dress and then went out on a date with the boyfriend. our first anniversary date, i might add, for a five course dinner at one of the swankiest places in town, a restaurant whose cook gave away his michelin star because he hated the added pressure.

exactly a year before, on the night that we first kissed, i stood in a little event space in town and out of nowhere thought "i could be this man's partner and life would be splendid". i would have never dared to dream, though, how very very good life with him would turn out to be. i never thought that my life could be this easy and fun and just all around good. and would have never deemed it possible, that it could include size 38 dresses and running 5ks.

i am one happy girl. oh yes.

[next 5k (actually, a 5,5k): november 28, basel, switzerland. november! the middle of winter! gasp!]

26:10 min.

i officially rock.

race day.

my first ever 5k starts in 4 hours and 18 minutes.

my clothes are laid out, the right running music is on my ipod, everything's ready. i am ready. and i am effing scared. oh yes.
my brother is running his first ever half today, halfway round the world, in chicago. bet he's scared, too.

keep your fingers crossed for both of us! :)

65,7kg.

i now weigh 65,7kg. it's been half my life since i was this weight. crazy.

this weekend, i also had half my hair cut off and took the dog for a 5,5k run. which is also kinda crazy.

totally underestimated how far you can actually run in 40 minutes, even with a dog, and when the route i had thought up turned out to be too short, the dog and i got a little lost and suddenly found ourselves on a cemetery, where running was definitely not called for on a sunday morning. with lots of properly dressed folks who had just been in church. took an unnecessary walking break, because i still have some manners left. :) also: hills are mean. but kinda awesome.

all's pretty good, if stressful. this coming week will be a killer. there's a shitload of work and travelling coming up. am going to munich tomorrow after work for a wedding, heading back to freiburg early thursday to work for half a day, and then up to hamburg late thursday where i'll give a two day professional seminar before heading home late saturday (on the last train, no less).

and then on sunday afternoon, i'll run my first ever 5k race.

realistic fitness goal for the week: two more runs (one in muc, one in hh). no gym this week, and i'm literally heartbroken about having to ditch my gym plans for tonight because of work and packing and everything.

boo.

denim days.

yesterday, in my old, too big jeans

i wore jeans for the first time in months this week.

see, i'm a girly girl, these days, all dresses and skirts and more dresses. don't know when and how exactly that happened, but at some point during this journey (oh, i hate that word), i stopped wearing jeans. not because i hated them, just because i started to prefer other kinds of clothes. and well, maybe i did hate them, a bit. jeans, during my fat days, were (like most clothing) uncomfy and too warm and uncomfy. and did i say that they were uncomfy? always digging into my love handles and pinching my ass and just never feeling right. first thing i did when coming home was always taking off my jeans and my bra.

during my fat days, i wore pretty much nothing but jeans and random tops. jeans were the only pants i could ever find that fit and i got so obsessed about fits that did, that i got people to import them from the us and uk for me. as if there were no jeans in this country that could snug my bum just so.

[on another note: you know, i'm still learning how to dress and all. i never learned how to combine clothes, what stuff flattered my shape, how to accessorize, whatnot. i never learned on what items to splurge and on what items to save. never had enough pants or bras, not because we were poor, but simply because my mom had no clue about how to dress herself, either.]

in any way, i wore jeans this week. and lo and behold, the jeans that i bought at 75 or so kilos just about a year ago, they're too big. way too big. taking-them-off-without-undoing-them-too-big. i wore them anyway because it's cooled down significantly and i had just done four loads of laundry with all my fave skirts. and poof!, all day, i got compliments. out of nowhere. from colleagues that i hang out with every day (who should have gotten used to the smaller me by now), from random aquaintances i ran into and especially from a., the bf's daughter (who lives in another ity and came to visit over the weekend). a. couldn't get over how much weight i've lost. she last saw me in late june, btw.

it's the jeans, i swear. i guess all those skirts and dresses i've been wearing (while nicely showing off my back and arms) just haven't shown off my legs and bum. and well, they're smaller, that bunch. a lot smaller, actually. i had a weird disconnect all day, looking down at my jeans-clad thighs, not recognising them as mine. they're SO! SMALL! NOW! (which they're not really, just in comparison to what they were like back in the day.)

loved that feeling so much that i actually went out and bought some more jeans today, at h&m. just cheap ones (they had a 10 euro off any jeans-offer, yay!) , to get me over this fall. one, a lovely dark dress pant cut, is a dress size 38 (or 10, woohoo!), the other a 30 inch; same cut, just two inches smaller than my too big jeans from last fall. yay.

i guess i'm making peace with jeans. and well: they're not uncomfy anymore. which surely helps. lucky me.

inspiration. [#8]

"i’m realistically only 10-12 pounds from my goal weight. it doesn’t feel like i thought it would. it’s not a sudden elation. it’s more of a feel-good-all-the-time situation." [ben does life]

'tis the same for me, even at three (or whatever) pounds away from goal. whatever goal is, anyway. but that 'feel-good-all-the-time situation'? is pretty intoxicating.

iron will.

i resisted.

not one m&m, not one smurf has passed my lips, and those little beasties are still around today, obviously. i'm deaf to their siren songs now. go me.

last night's workout session was, well, interesting. i just didn't feel it, in a way. i was kinda tired, even though i pushed myself rather hard. that general tiredness only eased up after my treadmill run, which was - compared to my real world runs in lugano - all of a sudden terribly boring and lame. very funny, that. i'll do some more real world runs these coming days, one on sunday, and then two next week, in munich and hamburg. yay.

during my gym visit, i finally checked the ingredients of their complimentary on-tap sports drinks. in the past, i'd usually drink them very diluted (probably half/half), during every visit. not sure why i never checked what exactly i was consuming there (apart from the flavour, obviously), but i am glad that i finally did. the main ingredients: inverted sugar syrup and a whole collection of sweeteners. stuff i both try to avoid. the sugar-shit because of the yeast issue, the sweeteners because of insuline and everything else. so: no more on-tap sports drinks, unless in case of emergency, like an extreme blood sugar crash. had sparkling water during my workout yesterday, instead, and that worked well, even though i drank significantly less, just 0,7l during my 2 1/2 hours there.

so that's that. in other news, i finally did a proper weigh-in (four days late, due to our travels and, well, life): 66,6kg, still, which is awesome, considering that i've had pizza three times in the past week, dolci for breakfast and drank more energy drinks than water over the weekend. definitely better than expected. not sure i'll manage to achieve my goal of 65kg by sunday in a week though. i'd be happy enough about a 65 in front of the comma, anyway.

hey you. [#2]

you bought all that chocolate for the new trainees who came for their inaugural office visit this arvo. now that they're gone, and so very much is still left over, you don't have to eat it. in fact, you quite simply shouldn't.

yes, those m & ms are singing their siren song, with the gummybear smurfs as a background choir while the chocolate marshmallows are rapping along.

don't listen to them. don't eat them. they will not make you feel better. you had a superyummy mango yoghurt earlier, you don't need any additional treats. those m & ms and saltines and smurfs are actually bad for you, not just because of your weight. that yeast infection you have right now? will absolutely feed on all that sugar.

keep resisting, woman. you can do it. also: have fun at the gym, later.

much love,

c.

health, or something like it.

that freakout that my dentist gave me last week? unfounded. everything's fine and dandy. i was back in his chair by thursday afternoon (that's how freaked out i was), and he deemed it to be a weird infection that looked like nothing he had ever seen. so there.

what's not fine and dandy, however, are the nether regions, yet again. it's yeast infection number whatever; i've lost count this past year. #20? possibly. the last one was two weeks ago, and my gyno has prescribed the full arsenal of anti-fungal glory, yet again: six days of topical cream, 3 days of oral fluconazol, and some lactobacillus for later. same procedure as every month. and so very lame.

i'll also take a tropaeolum supplement and finally get started on that acid/alcali-supplement, that helped back in may and gave me a break from the yeast troubles for at least 8 weeks or so. i've purchased the latter two weeks ago, but just haven't taken it yet: you're supposed to do so an hour after your meals. this instruction seems to be a bit too hard for me to follow, ha. i've also bought that pre-biotic treatment (that will take several months to complete) my pharmacist recommended back in may. last ditch effort. hooray to that!

i'm really at a loss as to what else i can do. crappy food, i.e. lots of simple carbs, seems to be a trigger, which is a supercreepy thought. yes, i ate pizza this past weekend, and gummybears and drank soda. but in quanitities that normal people consume. if that's what causes this, or keeps pushing me over the edge? i'm effing angry about it. oh yes.

running in the real world.

you know what? all my slightly bizarre freaking out about running on, you know, a road instead of a treadmill were totally unfounded.

saturday morning, 7am, i went for my first ever real life run. a proper run, i mean. just me and the road. because my nike plus was still refusing to cooperate, i simply ran with that week 9 c25k run again. right along the main road along the lake.

and i loved it.

the rather lovely scenery might have had something to do with it. and that smug feeling you get from running while everyone else hasn't even started to nurse their hangovers, too. but it was also, quite simply, really lovely to be out there in the morning, running and moving, and enjoying myself. how very very odd.

i tried not to worry at all about distance, and instead ran at a super manageable pace. and you know how far i ran? 6k, total. (checked the distance with the car, ha.) my usual 1k warmup/cooldown and 5k run combo during week 9 on the treadmill, actually. how very very awesome. on my second run, i made a conscious effort to run faster. and ran 500m more.

i'm a little less scared of my 5k the weekend after next.

any 5k prep tips for a newbie, though? what should i eat? when should i run my last prep run? do i need to drink during? how does an organised race work, anyway? eeeeep!